FinermanWorks

Act I: The Democratic Debate

If out of desperation you watched last night’s debate among the Democratic candidates, you may have noticed a slight bias on the part of NBC media.

Brian Williams: Joining us tonight will be Senator Barak Obama, former Senator John Edwards and–because Margaret Hamilton is unavailable–mean old Mrs. Clinton. Tim Russert will join me in the questions. I will start. Senator Barak, what if I told you Senator Clinton has compared you to Butterfly McQueen?

Sen. Barak: Well, I am too thin to be Hattie McDaniels. And in today’s America I can dream of being Rhett Butler.

Tim Russert: Sen. Clinton, how do expect us to believe that you wouldn’t have said that?

Sen. Clinton: You just are trying to make me cry again.

Tim Russert: And would you cry if I told you that Chelsea was just murdered.

Sen. Clinton: I don’t believe you. It’s not a sweeps month.

Brian Williams: Senator Edwards, did you know that Michelle Obama and Bill Clinton are having an affair?

Act II: Willard Romney Wins Something

Putting together a coalition of “Golfers for Eisenhower” and “Gilbert & Sullivan Amateur Societies”, Willard Romney won the Michigan Primary. It was noted that the ballot had been changed, asking Republican voters their choice for Scoutmaster, but Romney nonetheless won.

In his victory speech, Mr. Romney offered his vision of America. “I’ll bring us back to the days when we used more oil in our hair than in our cars. And a great America is a clean America. So no more naughty words. Let’s limit our vocabulary to what you would have heard on “Leave It to Beaver”.

Act III: President God

Governor Mike Huckabee announced his intention to replace the Constitution with the Bible. He regretted the necessity of stoning anyone for adultery or eating pork, but the Law required it. Huckabee also mentioned that slavery would again be permissible but only six days a week. Under President Huckabee, Protestantism would not be compulsory; Catholics and Jews would just be registered as idolators. However, Moslems would have to be slaughtered.

Although his political platform might seem horrifying, Mr. Huckabee announced it in such a folksy, engaging manner that no one seemed to mind.

Nero was the last of the Caesars; kicking to death a pregnant wife is not good for a dynasty. His uncle Caligula had merely thought himself a God; Nero was less modest and insisted on a career in show business. The entire Empire was a captive audience to this aspiring Homer. In fact, he did put on a good–and free–show with lavish spectacles that the audience enjoyed. Nero may have terrorized the patrician class and some obscure Jewish sect, but the public generally liked him.

However, the Emperor was not an elective position, and the pudgy, melodramatic Nero did not command the respect or loyalty of the generals, each of whom fancied himself a more suitable emperor. Rebellion was inevitable, and Nero’s response was to kill himself. He was succeeded by Galba, a man everyone respected but no one really liked. The cheap and charmless bureaucrat quickly inspired a wave of nostalgia for Nero. A playboy patrician named Otho exploited this popularity as well as the Praetorian guards’ susceptibility to bribes. In less than a year, Galba was dead and Otho was emperor, a reign beginning on this day in A.D. 69.

Unfortunately, Otho was less impressive than Nero. People tended to remember Otho for his wig, so he was not likely to have a long reign. Within a few months, he was overthrown by a Roman general named Vitellius. People tended to remember Vitellius for his gluttony; he didn’t last long either. Within a few months, he was overthrown by a Roman named Vespasian. (The year A.D. 69 would have an exhausting time for whomever was supposed to update the emperor’s portrait on the coinage.) People tended to remember Vespasian for his ability; he lasted ten years and had the originality to die of natural causes.

Born of more modest origins than a Caesar and conscious of his blood-stained inauguration, Vespasian sought to ingratiate himself with the Roman populace. His gift to the city is still standing: the Colosseum.

A Republican familiar with the administration’s thinking said President Bush would present ideas to stimulate the economy.

Introducing his “Wealthing the Economy” plan, President Bush offered the following proposals.

1. Prayers on the New York Stock Exchange.

2. Coupons on dollar bills (The President commented that the public would be more eager to spend money that offered a ten percent discount at Dunkin Donuts.)

3. The dime will be made larger than the nickel because it is worth more.

4. Jenna’s wedding gifts will be tax-deductible. (And her gift registry will be included in your tax forms.)

According to a poll conducted by Frank Luntz, Republicans have more sex than Democrats. And the Republicans have the credit card receipts for proof. Supposedly, 55 percent of Republicans have sex at least once a week, while only 43 percent of the Democrats get regular exercise. Actually, the survey only proves that Republicans are more eager to lie. But we already knew that. The party of James Craig will brag of its “prowess” and the party of Bill Clinton will insist on its chastity.

Imagine the questions on the survey.

Have you ever had sex with someone other than yourself? (If not, how long have subscribed to The Weekly Standard?)

Have you ever attempted a sexual position that you can’t spell. (For Republicans: can you spell “missionary”?)

When watching Turner Classic Movies, are you sorry that you never had a chance to see Greer Garson nude? (Olivia De Havilland is still available but now it might not be such a thrill.)

Would you rather share a hot tub with Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, or Mitch McConnell and Condi Rice? (If this thought makes you feel guilty, would you rather be punished by Antonin Scalia or Ruth Bader Ginsberg?)

This is a genuine press release. (Thank you, Fran):

Governor Mitt Romney in East Grand Rapids Tomorrow

Former Governor Mitt Romney will be in East Grand Rapids tomorrow for a tour of Gas Light Village. The event will begin at Olga’s Restaurant located at 2213 Wealthy St. at 2:45 p.m. To RSVP, contact the Romney for President Michigan Office at 248-254-6530.

Wealthy Street? Willard Romney has finally found his constituency! And Gas Light Village is just perfect for him:

Gaslight Village, near Reeds Lake in East Grand Rapids, includes luxury condominiums totaling 107 residences and offers refined attention to detail

And those details would be…a broad diversity of people, reflecting all the shires of England. (Of course, those Yorkshire types could be a bit gauche.) But they are bound by the same heartfelt principle: America should be run like a country club, especially with the same membership restrictions.

Yes, this is Willard’s constituency. Unfortunately, they are not the only ones allowed to vote.

If Michigan disappoints Willard, he will have no choice but to outsource the American electorate to China. Really, for the same amount of money that he has spent on ungrateful Americans, Willard could get ten times as many votes from the Chinese. True, the Chinese may not understand a word of what he is saying, but that is a distinct advantage. That way they won’t mistake him for Eddie Haskell.

January 8, 1815:  The Battle of New Orleans

On this day in 1815, Edward Pakenham’s watch must have been running fast. The British general evidently thought it was 1915 and that he had to slaughter his troops in as stupid a manner as possible. So, he ordered a full-frontal assault on the entrenched American positions at New Orleans. Andrew Jackson’s troops did not have machine guns but they certainly knew how to make the best use of their Kentucky long rifles . Men who can shoot a squirrel out of a tree are not likely to miss a prancing brigade in red coats.

Edward Pakenham was the brother-in-law of the Duke Wellington and actually had proved himself to be a brave and effective subordinate in the Peninsular Wars. In fact, Pakenham was leading the same troops who had performed so brilliantly in Spain, defeating larger French forces. At New Orleans, the British troops for once had the numerical advantage; they outnumbered the Americans by two-to-one. Perhaps that is why Pakenham did not bother with tactics.

The American forces did have an abysmal reputation.  In 1812, they had a forty-to-one numerical advantage over the 5000 British troops in Canada; and guess who was winning?  American attacks on Canada sometimes never got past the border.  Worse, those borders were shortening.  The territories of Maine, Wisconsin, Illinois and Michigan seemed more likely to become provinces than states.  America’s best hope was the military genius of its ally Napoleon, and 1812 proved poor timing for that alliance.  By 1814, Napoleon had retired to Elba, and now Britain could turn its full and vindictive attention to America.  The Duke of Wellington was offered the command the punitive expedition.  Perhaps Ontario was less alluring than Paris and Vienna; compared to Napoleon, James Madison was certainly anti-climactic.  Wellington declined the commission and even recommended a peace settlement.  Nonetheless, he did have a brother-in-law to spare.

The British had no real military objective; they simply wanted to make the Americans miserable.  Burning Washington certainly accomplished that.  Seizing the rich port city of New Orleans would be another humiliation.  The city seemed vulnerable, with only a meager slapdash force to defend it.  Pakenham assumed that his veterans would simply push the Americans aside. That was a mistake he did not live to regret; neither did a quarter of his command.

To add irony to the disaster, the battle was unnecessary. The War was over; however, the news of the Treaty of Ghent had yet to reach the opposing armies at New Orleans. Of course, the Battle of New Orleans might have taught the British military the disadvantages of a frontal assault. However, judging from the number of British War Memorials, commemorating 1914-18, that lesson was not in the syllabus at Sandhurst.

Should the need arise, I now can help you build a sodhouse. Of course, I doubt many of you were planning to go back to the nineteenth century. Even if you were, your intended destination probably was a bistro with Toulouse-Lautrec and not the prairie of Wyoming. However, my editor at Boss Magazine was more interesting in the settling of the West than coping with an Absinthe hangover. That would explain my sodding expertise.

A sodhouse is really just a mud hut. Why would the pioneering farmers of the Great Plains settle in such primitive, unProtestant dwellings? They really had no choice. The Great Plains are exactly that: no trees for lumber, no hills for quarries, just a vast prairie. Those settlers needed a shelter; no one would want to spend a Great Plains winter in a covered wagon. In the desolate, scarely populated prairie, there were no equivalents of Home Depots, So the pioneers carved bricks of sod from the ground to construct a house. Each sod brick was approximately was 18 inches wide by 24 inches long, and weighed about 50 pounds; and the bricks had to be checked to remove any wildlife, especially snakes. It required an acre of sod, 3000 bricks, to build a one-room house just 16 feet wide and 20 feet long. The sod construction was inherently dirty but also had its virtues. A sod house was cheap, well-insulated and–always a distinct advantage in the West–bulletproof.

However, the sod house could erode from heavy rain. For protection, “stucco” was plastered on the house’s exterior. Of course, in the West the ingredients had to be improvised. The nearest store was days away and there was no guarantee that it had in stock the cement required for stucco. Besides why should a farmer squander money when he had a practical and free substitute. If the farmer was near a river, he would use its clay to make the stucco. And if clay was not available, then there was always manure. Remember that hygiene was a luxury found east of the Mississippi. No one probably could tell the stucco’s stench from their own–and it may have been one in the same.

Now you have to wonder if the annals of the Old West include manure rustling.

CNN is now broadcasting in High Definition. I can have the thrill of seeing Wolf Blitzer in 3D, although he is only 2D in reality. His missing dimension is depth. When he is conducting an interview, you get the feeling that he is not listening to the answers. In fact, he does not seem to understand the questions he is reading. You wonder why anyone would make the creative effort to lie to him; perhaps there is the slight chance that the audience is more alert than Ditzer Blitzer.

This could be one of his interviews with Dick Cheney.

Blitzer: Mr. Vice President, how do you respond to those critics who say that you are consistently wrong about Iraq?

Blitzer: Mr. Vice President, critics of the postal service….

Larry King would conduct a better, more probing interview. True, Cheney would be asked about his favorite Esther Williams movies, but thanks to King’s persistent grilling, the American public would know exactly what Cheney felt about “Million Dollar Mermaid.”

Poor Iowa. With the end of the caucus, the state may feel like it has lost its 15 best friends. Iowa has grown so used to those ingratiating candidates. For the last year, they seemed part of the family. Rev. Mike was so helpful in the kitchen; remember how he entertained the children by making crosses of the green beans. John really made a great little league coach; no one before thought of suing the umpire. Mitt just loved washing the car; where did he get all that soft soap? And people would make up chores just to keep Barak happy. Worse, the children’s grades now will suffer, without Hillary doing their homework; if only the caucus could have lasted another year or two, she would have gotten the kids into the Ivy League.

Poor Iowa. For solace, it can listen to the soundtrack of “The Music Man.” But after having 15 Prof. Harold Hills, one charming conman just isn’t enough.

I was not named for St. Eugene but December 30th is his feast day. Here is what the Catholic Encyclopedia had to say about him.

St. Eugene
Feastday: December 30
unknown

Bishop of Milan, Italy, not documented at this time.

Well, that is edifying….Of course, I am relieved to know that he was not one of those medieval maniacs: “Converted Southern France by depopulating it.”

However, I do enjoy reading about the creative martyrdoms the exasperated Romans inflicted on those annoying saints. “Within three minutes of meeting Eugenius, Marcus Aurelius lost his temper and ordered that the complete works of Aristophanes be tattooed on the bishop’s tongue.”

Unfortunately, this Eugenius seems to be the patron saint of anonymity. Perhaps I can ghostwrite his hagiography, but Milan is not exactly an interesting place. If you had to have appendicitis in Italy, I really would recommend Milan; in Rome or Florence the doctors would take a three hour lunch in the middle of your surgery. (In Naples, the doctors would ship you to Rome or Florence…by bus.) Otherwise, Milan is just Zurich with pasta.

So, what could St. Eugenius have done there….

And, lo with one liter of gelato he did cure the models of Versace of anorexia.