FinermanWorks

London:  Today Mitt and Ann Romney met with Queen Elizabeth.  Mr. Romney warned Her Majesty, “Now, don’t you burn the White House when I am President.”  Adding to the hilarity of the moment, he then playfully punched the Queen in the stomach.  Mrs. Romney expressed her satisfaction with Buckingham Palace and told the Queen to get out.  “It’s our turn now.”  Following a minute or two of Mr. Romney’s nervous laughter, the Queen playfully hit him in the face and said  “Next time, bring the horse instead.”

Tel Aviv:  In a precautionary press release, the Romney campaign stated that “we acknowledge major differences between Obamacare and the Final Solution, so please disregard any comparisons that might be made.”  

Greeting the hundreds of Adelson employees flown in to applaud him, Mr. Romney exclaimed “It is great to be with people who appreciate money.  I have been told that our horse Ralfaca sounds like it has a Hebrew name.  Who knows?  Maybe it really wants to pull a junk wagon.”

The Romney campaign had no comment but agreed to pay for the stained glass Chagall windows that Mrs. Romney had taken from the Knesset. 

Warsaw:  In a preemptive press release, the Romney campaign denied that the candidate would ever use the word “Pollack or ask  how many it took to screw in a light bulb.”  However, any diplomatic gaffes were avoided when the Warsaw Airport, claiming to be Kiev, diverted the Romney plane with flight directions to Paris. 

A stunned Romney said, “But I admire the Polish people.  They have the same religion as my lawn service.”  Ann chided her husband, “I told you we should have landscaped our estates with Hermes scarves.”

The following are actual job offers for writers.  My comments may not be quite so serious.

We are currently in search of a Communications Manager for an Association in downtown Chicago .

POSITION TITLE: Communications Manager
SALARY: $15 – $17/hour, commensurate with experience”

In Mumbai, a 14 year-old is considering this for an after-school job.

Throughout most of the Middle Ages the only literates were the clergy. If Guinevere insisted on place cards for the Round Table, the clergy did the clerical. (Yes, the words are related.) Perhaps this company–offering that impressive $15 a hour–thinks that we writers still have vows of poverty.

Communications Consultant

WORK ENVIRONMENT
When applicable and appropriate, consideration will be given to reasonable accommodations.”

I may not be entitled to use a washroom but I would be within walking distance of an alley.

And if your underwriting is as good as your writing, Allstate has a position for you.

Qualifications

This position requires strong writing skills for and a working knowledge of financial and life insurance products and services. It also requires the ability to understand internal and external customers’ needs and to execute communication programs and plans to support them.

Series 6 license preferred.

Strong writing, communication and follow-up skills required”

So, I could be writing the company newsletter as well as estimates on car repairs.

But what are follow-up skills for a writer? I hope that means negotiations with film studios….”James Cameron and Martin Scorsese are both bidding on that home owners policy you wrote for the Weinblatt family. Scorsese would like to make the family Italian and guarantees you an Oscar nomination. Cameron prefers them to be extraterrestrial and is willing to throw in $25 million for the rewrite.”

Kvetching Bull or Avatorah?

 ‘Best in Show’ actor Willard accused of lewd act

Actor Fred Willard, perhaps best-known as a dog-show announcer in the movie “Best in Show,” has been arrested on suspicion of committing a lewd act at a Hollywood adult theater.  Los Angeles police Sgt. Mark Ro says uniformed vice officers were conducting a routine investigation of the theater shortly before 9 p.m. Wednesday and saw Willard engaging in a lewd act.

He says Willard appeared to be alone.

Why does this sort of thing have to happen in an adult theater?  I can assure you that I would only be arrested while watching a fine film…

“La Grande Illusion“:  You see, officer, I was demonstrating the infantry strategy of the First World War. 

“The Quiet Man“:  You see, officer, it was the fight scene between John Wayne and Victor McLaglen, and I was so excited to see two Republicans trying to kill each.

“My Dinner With Andre“:  You see, officer, I was just trying to stay awake.

 George R.R. Martin Gushes About Diana Rigg Joining ‘Game Of Thrones’

I hope not literally.

Ed Gillespie, one of Mitt Romney’s top advisors, tried to explain the candidate’s departure from Bain Capital by noting that he’d “retired retroactively.”

A campaign spokesman refused to decipher Mr. Gillespie’s remark, saying that “the profound and spiritual intricacy of a koan must be understood rather than explained.  Otherwise, it would be an insult to all the Buddhists of the world.” 

Three hours later, following the denunciations from Talk Radio, another campaign spokesman explained Mr. Gillespie was not a Buddhist and had never justified the attack on Pearl Harbor.  “In fact, retroactive retirement is a Christian concept.  It is exactly what Jesus did.  Let’s face it, after that Good Friday, how many lepers has He cured?  Yes, His name is still on the corporate stationery–but 1900 years is a little more than a leave of absence.  This is a retroactive retirement, and would you expect Governor Romney to do any less than Jesus did?”   

Two hours later, following the death threats, another campaign spokesman insisted that Governor Romney had not compared himself to Jesus.  “Obama is the one trying  to cure lepers, not us.”

Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day.  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/07/16/divorce-italian-style/

Job Opening 1

Syria: ambassador who defected should be punished

BEIRUT — Syria’s Foreign Ministry said Thursday that the country’s former ambassador to Iraq should be punished after his defection to the opposition seeking to overthrow President Bashar Assad.

To defect to Iraq…that is humiliating.  Yes, it is better than fleeing to North Korea or Zimbabwe, but nonetheless consider the affront.  “Hi, I would rather be blown up in Baghdad than Damascus.  The gruesome chaos here is much nicer.”  Now, if the Ambassador had fled to France, who would blame him?  Madame Assad would probably join him.

Job Opening 2

Yes, this is a real ad:

We are currently in search of a Communications Manager for an Association in downtown Chicago .

POSITION TITLE: Communications Manager

SALARY: $15 – $17/hour, commensurate with experience

In Mumbai, a 14 year-old might consider this as an after-school job.

I could make more money running a lawn service….

Eugene’s Lawn and Lectures:  I can design your yard to look like any famous battlefield.

The Teutoburg Hint:  An arbor for any political canvassers, Jehovah Witnesses and those high school fundraisers (“Hi, Wanna buy a coupon book for our marching band and methadone clinic”).  As they stroll through your front yard forest, they should notice that previous solicitors have their skulls nailed to the trees.  Let them know how much you appreciate their visits.

Austerlitz Terrace:  What is more envigorating than a brisk climb up a hill?  Having someone push you off it.  A Tolstoy motif–“War, Splat and Peace”.

The Somme Valley:  Trenches and mud.  Very low maintenance–if anything gets mowed down, it won’t be grass.

So let me make your yard look like a spectacle!

Yesterday I found myself in a casino.  No, I did not play any of the tables.  I had to save my luck for the auditions of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”  After all, I was one of some 800 people vying to stand next to Meredith and guess either the capital of France (for $1,000) or the square root of Kanye West’s social security number (for $500,000).  In four weeks I will know whether or not I have a prayer, and then so will you. 

While waiting in line for the audition,  I did notice the desperate variety in the slot machines.  Apparently, the prospect of losing one quarter in the hope of winning fifty is not incentive enough.  Today’s slots need themes!  I saw one for “My Magic Pony”.  That should appeal to all the five-year-old girls at the casino.  Maybe it was intended to lure their grandparents–“Darling, look where I lost your college fund!”  But I was especially impressed with “The Sex in the City” slot machine.  Perhaps I should have invested a dollar to see how the game worked.  Obviously, the orgasms and tribulations of those four Manhattan women could not be scored by six oranges in a row.  No, I imagine the scoring would be…

Three Cosmopolitans in a row–$5.

Four Kim Cattrall nude scenes–$20

Five non-abusive heterosexual males in New York–$100

Six Manolo Blahnik shoes–enough to pay for one pair.

How could I resist?  The thought of losing a dollar to Sheldon Adelson….

 And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day (and imagine John Calvin on “Sex in the City”; well, he’d be more fun than John Knox):  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/07/10/the-joys-of-misery-and-the-embarrassment-of-evolution/

TV Legend Andy Griffith Dies at 86

Noting the passing of Andy Griffith, Senator Mitch McConnell blamed Obamacare.  “The death panels are already at work.  And the Anti-Gun policies of this administration meant that poor Mr. Griffith couldn’t have the machine guns or howitzers to defend himself from liberal bureaucrats.”

Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney noted Griffith’s passing as the death of an era.  “Mayberry was America, your America, my America.  An America where Gomer Pyle was proud to take my place in Viet Nam.  An America where Aunt Bea never had an abortion.  She just pretended that Barney was a foundling.  Yes, Otis was the town drunk; but he was the only liberal there.  And look how happy the minorities of Mayberry were; you never saw a dark look from any of them.   Perhaps that Mayberry is gone, but we can bring it back.  And when I am president, I can promise you the same wages as those golden years of the 1960’s.”

And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/07/03/how-wyoming-got-its-name-to-its-complete-bewilderment/

Sr. Communication Manager

Must foster an inclusive work environment and respect all aspects of diversity. Must demonstrate and value differences in others’ strengths, perspectives,…

 

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Divorcing

Dominic Strauss-Kahn and Wife Divorcing

Leon Trotsky and Meyer Lansky evidently were unavailable, so I was the synagogue’s third choice to conduct this Friday’s Sabbath service.  But am I ready to be the Jewish Elmer Gantry?  My first attempt at faith healing proved rather tactless.  I thought the lady was paralyzed and I laid hands on her botox.  My thumbprints literally left the impression that she had been lobotomized.  The synagogue’s malpractice insurance is dealing with it. 

As part of the Sabbath service, I will be discussing this week’s Torah portion.  Here is a summary of it:  the Israelites moved to Kibrothhataavah after we were caught stealing the towels at Ramada, then on to the more pronounceable Hazeroth, then Rithmath because the schools were better, then Rithmonperez for the lower property taxes, and forty-seven campsites later Aaron died.  He may have been 125 years old; he certainly felt it. 

I have to believe that every word of this story is true because it is soooo boring.  “And they set out from Terah and encamped at Mithkah.”  Any fabrication would have enlivened it.  “The dragons of Mount Shepur attacked our encampment–eating Aaron alive and carrying off Zipporah to breed a race of  fire-breathing flying accountants.”   

Hey, this is a Reform Temple.  I can get away with it.

Romney Exhibits a Change in Tone on Immigration

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. — Mitt Romney struck a more conciliatory tone toward illegal immigrants on Thursday than he took during the Republican primary season, but he backed only limited steps to address the concerns of many Hispanic voters as he confronted one of the trickiest issues in his efforts to build a broad general election coalition.  Speaking to a group of Hispanic officials in the heart of a swing state, Mr. Romney made his most extensive remarks on immigration since President Obama announced last week that he would use executive authority to allow many young people who are in the country illegally to avoid deportation.

Attempting to establish a rapport with the Hispanic community, Mitt Romney announced that he was moving the Velasquez painting from the guest bathroom to the living room.  When asked in which of his homes, Romney conferred with his advisors before exclaiming, “All of them.”

The former governor added, “I really don’t think you are inferior.  In fact, Ann tells me that your King Juan Carlos is much better at polo than Prince Charles.”  Romney further gushed his enthusiasm for Man of La Mancha-“What great Spanish music”– and asked the audience to sing along with him “The Impossible Dream.”  When the crowd proved unfamiliar with the Broadway music of an American Jew, the still chipper Mr. Romney proposed “How about Carmen?”

At least, the audience knew the word “toreador.”