Donald Trump to Moderate Republican Debate

And here is the likely transcript…

His Profuse Eminence Donald Trump:   According to the rules, all the candidates will have a chance to beg for my endorsement.  But rules were never meant for people like me. Do you think that my time is going to be wasted on Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman?  Maybe Michele Bachmann if she were 15 years younger.  There are only two people I want to hear:  Willard Romney and Newt Gingrich.  All right, boys, start your groveling.

Romney:  You are looking wonderful, Mr. Trump, and so is this very handsome and beautiful audience, and the magnificent American people.  But all of you should know that Newt Gingrich did not wash his hands after using the washroom.

Gingrich:  As you are probably too stupid to know, hygiene is a foreign word–reflecting the depraved values of the Roman Empire.  George Washington and Jesus never took a daily bath, but Caligula and Nero did.  And these Roman monsters are the type of people that Willard would rather smell than hard-working Americans.

Romney:  Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Gingrich:  Of course, you would be quoting that European socialist, John Wesley.  Can’t you quote any Americans?

Romney:  When I wash my hands, whether I need to or not, I am thinking of the noble and photogenic Americans who made that sink, those faucets, the soap, and the water.  My cleanliness is the miracle of Free Enterprise, and I want to thank everyone of you because I am not sticky like Newt.

Trump:   Okay, boys, now tell me how you would deal with Iran.

Romney:  That is a brilliant question, Mr. Trump, and I am certain that the dazzling businessman like you will appreciate my strategy.  I would buy Iran.  Of course, I would borrow the money from China, using Iran’s oil as collateral.  Since I then will also be President of Iran, I will repeat the same managerial techniques that I used at Bain Capital:  looted assets, massive layoffs, crippling debts.  There won’t be a country left.  Iran may have been conquered by Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan, but they were nothing compared to a Harvard MBA.

Gingrich:  And yet your high-falluting Harvard degrees didn’t win the war in Viet Nam.

Romney:  I was never in Viet Nam…and neither were you.

Gingrich:  But I was here in America, ready to protect this country, when you were a spoiled rich kid vacationing in France.

Romney:  I was doing missionary work there.

Gingrich:  And is France now a Mormon country?  Have the Osmonds headlined at the Follies Bergere?  No, you failed–just as you would in Iran.

Trump:  Newt, your critics think that you are too evil to be President.  What is your response?

Gingrich:  By definition, my critics are imbecile.  Evil is a prerequisite to greatness.  Sociopaths make inspiring leaders.  Think how Hannibal Lecter could administer America’s healthcare.  He would be my first choice for Surgeon General.  Evil shows a creativity and initiative.  It adds charisma to my brilliance.  Who wants Goody-Two-Shoes here?  To quote Disraeli, “He does not have a single redeeming vice.”

Romney:  So you are quoting Disraeli?  Well, he was foreign.

Gingrich:  Are you saying that a Jew can’t be an American?

Romney:  Of course, a Jew can be an American.  Jack Benny was swell, and Irving Berlin and…

Gingrich:  So, you are flip-flopping again.  Now you just love all those New York liberal types.   Can you at least be a consistent bigot?

Romney:  Besides, maybe I didn’t know that Disraeli was Jewish!

Rick Perry:  Come on, Mitt, even I knew that.

Trump:  So, Willard, your critics think you are too nauseating to be President.  Don’t bother to respond.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic events of this week:

December 4th:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/12/04/pyromantic-2/

December 5th:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/12/05/finding-a-good-scapegoat-2/

December 6th:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/12/06/fool-russians-where-mongols-love-to-tread-2/

December 7th:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/12/07/valet-forge-2/

December 9th:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/12/09/nobel-lousiest/

December 10th:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/12/10/wikileaks-1905/

Judy Lewis, Secret Daughter of Hollywood, Dies at 76

New York Times

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4D Animation!  You know I can’t resist time travel.  So I may no longer be posting here, but look for me in history books and scripture….

Matthew 14:13:  And so the droll and rather handsome Pharisee said unto the Lord, “Fish and loaves are adequate, but you really should serve cream cheese as well.  What is the point of being omnipotent if you are not omniscient?  And how about some gelato afterwards?”

Rome, 1508:  Pope Evgenivs V explained his legalization of gay marriage.  “It was the only way that I could prompt Leonardo to invent refrigeration.  History will thank me when, centuries from now, tourists will be visiting the Sistine Gelateria.”

Washington–April, 1865:  The performance of “Our American Cousin” was interrupted by the assassination of Mary Lincoln.  “Damn,” complained actress Laura Keene, “That got a bigger laugh than the play.”  The culprit seems to have escaped.  In apparently unrelated news, the social event of the year was the ice cream social at the Stantons.

Versailles–1871:  The Prussian Chancellor pledged to unify Germany with “reisling und marzipan.”

And the world lived happily ever after.

As the chief of the neighborhood, it was Massasoit’s responsibility to get rid of the Europeans. They could not be ignored. The Hurons to the North had tried coexisting with their intruders, those who seem to call themselves the “Mondieux”. Now the poor Hurons were being enslaved to strange rituals, serving red wine with muskrat but white wine with pelican.

If these Europeans were so meticulous about food, Massasoit would use their obsessive quirks against them. He would convince these aliens that the local food was disgusting, so they might as well leave. He plotted the most inedible menu and then brought over the abominations as gifts.

The main course was what the tribe called mutant chicken. None of the locals would eat anything that ugly. For a side dish, there were bog berries. Those tongue-shriveling fruits were said to be healthy, but most people preferred scurvy. The most laughable squash and roots were passed off as delicacies rather than weeds. Finally, and most cruel of all, the Europeans were served maize. That alone should have sent them fleeing home for dental floss.

But to Massasoit’s amazement, these Europeans were impervious to this awful parody of a meal. He had failed to realize that these were different Europeans. Yes, the Mondieux would have been horrified; but these aliens were called English, and they had no tastebuds or teeth.

They were here to stay.

“I think that it is essential to instill in America’s children the principles and practices of capitalism,” Newt Gingrich exclaimed as he was being led away in handcuffs for stealing cookies from Girl Scouts.  His latest legal problems have somewhat eroded his lead as the Republican frontrunner.  He is now fourth behind Eczema and Mitt Romney.  The new frontrunner is the late Natalie Wood.

Conservatives have rallied behind her, asserting that she exemplifies their bare bones approach to government.  In response to concerns about Ms. Wood’s health, her supporters note that she is as articulate as Herman Cain, and certainly more animate than Mr. Romney.  Ms. Wood’s performance in “West Side Story’ has raised the question that she was an illegal alien.  However, Anne Coulter could reassure her audience that “Puerto Ricans are legal.  We own them.  Besides, that Maria character was not really Hispanic, just some gay Jews’ idea of one.”

Marnie Nixon is available to dub Ms. Wood’s inaugural address.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic events of this week.

November 20:  The Moderate Bunch  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/20/the-moderate-bunch/

November 21:  Babysitting with Bismarck  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/11/21/why-otto-von-bismarck-is-not-confused-with-dr-spock-2/

November 22:  The Patron Saint of Music  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/21/misery-chord-2/

November 23:  If You Missed the Obituary  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/23/on-this-day-in-1503-2/

November 24:  The Origin of Darwin https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/24/infamy-or-obscurity-2/

November 25:  So, I owe you one…

November 26:  Make that two.

November 17, 1869:  the Suez Canal is open for business.

Several years ago, I wrote an article on the construction of the Suez Canal.  In my research I read the New York Times’ coverage of the politics and theatrics that were inevitable in the engineering feat.  Even more amazing than building a hundred mile long canal through the desert is the fact that the prose style of the Times has not changed in 150 years.  The Times was unbelievably pompous back then, too.

In his account of the Canal’s opening in 1869, the reporter found the gala celebration to be a wonderful excuse to talk about himself.  (Ironically, the reporter’s name is not identified, surprising discretion for a monumental megalomaniac.)  Apparently neither the canal’s builder Ferdinand de Lesseps nor the Viceroy of Egypt had a greater challenge or higher calling than to entertain the New York Times.  I am sorry to say that the Canal got a poor review, however.  The reporter had unsatisfactory seating in the parade of boats floating down the canal; the receptions were too crowded (the Empress of France and the Austrian Emperor were served food before the Times); the fireworks were too loud and garish.    If only Peter Sellars or at least Julie Taymor had been allowed to build the Suez Canal!

I also found the Times’ report of the debate in Parliament after Disraeli’s brilliant if probably illegal coup in acquiring the ownership of the Suez Canal in 1875.  The Viceroy of Egypt had gone bankrupt and, beset by creditors, he offered his share of the Canal for a relatively paltrey 4 million British pounds.  We can speculate why Disraeli had such a gift for buying wholesale,  but he certainly appreciated a bargain and seized the opportunity.  There was a rival offer from a French business consortium, but  Disraeli was prepared to outbid it.  However, the French offered ready money while Disraeli was handicapped by British banking hours.  The Bank of England was closed for the weekend.

But Disraeli was on excellent terms with the Rothschild family.   (Do I need to explain why?)  He went that evening to the home of his friend Lionel Rothschild and asked for the money.  The banker was finishing his dinner, enjoying a dessert of muscatel grapes.  He asked Disraeli what would be the collateral for the loan.  Disraeli replied, “the British government.”  Rothschild answered, “You shall have the money in the morning.”  In fact, the Rothschild loan was on better terms than the Bank of England could have offered.  The Rothschilds offered immediate money, the same rate of interest and–at no extra cost–assumed complete responsiblity for the transfer of the funds from London to the Viceroy himself.

So Britain acquired control of the Suez Canal, and Parliament learned about it in the newspapers.  (Disraeli did have the tact to tell Queen Victoria.)  Of course, Parliament would discuss the matter after the fact, but what could it do or say?  Cancel such a brilliant feat?  Yes, it could complain about the questionable legality of the purchase; but even the opposition  had to concede that the situation did not permit time for a debate.   Nonetheless, the Liberal leader William Gladstone felt obliged to raise one issue–how was the Viceroy of Egypt going to spend that money!

Gladstone expressed his fears that the money would be used to finance Egypt’s invasion of Ethopia.  Apparently Gladstone had just seen a production of  “Aida” and confused the opera’s plot with Egypt’s foreign policy.  Egypt had indeed attempted to conquer Sudan–and was losing.  The Egyptian losses were one of the chief reasons that the Viceroy was bankrupt.  Given the fact that the Viceroy already was losing one war, he was unlikely to start another.  However, this hypothetical situation was the chief complaint that Gladstone raised against acquiring the Suez Canal.

Finding the Times  coverage of this debate, I anticipated reading a dazzling rhetorical duel between the two great rivals of British politics.  Disraeli is still renowned for his wit, and I imagined him devastating the self-righteous, humorless Gladstone.  Yet, the Times story did not quote Disraeli at all.  He must have said something; he was never known for modesty or reticence.  But here he was at his political heights, and the Times did not bother noting what he had to say.  Only Gladstone’s pontifications were printed.  Imagine a movie review of “Duck Soup” but only Margaret Dumont is mentioned.

If the Times preferred Gladstone to Disraeli, the newspaper had a liberal bias even then.

p.s.  If you would like to read the article (and how can you resist), click on this link and go to page 26.  http://www.dixonvalve.com/fgal/publications/BOSS_fallwinter09_10_DIXBOS.pdf

Our local Veterans Day commemoration was to conclude with the audience singing “America the Beautiful”.  The lyrics–for all four verses–were distributed among us.  Of course, we knew the first verse by heart and our singing was loud, clear and enthusiastic, an affirmation of our patriotism and superior dentistry.

Then we began the second verse, which for most of us was an introduction.

O beautiful for pilgrim feet

Whose stern impassioned stress

You could hear in the audience’s tone and subsiding volume a sense of bewilderment.  Stern, impassioned feet?  Our singing now reflected a certain caution, as if dreading further dismay.

A thoroughfare for freedom beat

Across the wilderness.

America!  America!

Nothing really weird or incomprendible in that.  The audience felt reassured, and the singing resumed some gusto.

God mend thine ev’ry flaw

Confirm thy soul in self-control,

Thy liberty in law.

Anyone who was still singing had a question in his voice.  Self-control?  That is often a punchline alluding to a certain adolescent expression of wishful thinking that might cause carpal tunnel syndrome if not blindness.  The definition of self-control is not completely irrelevant to Veterans Day.  To maintain some purity among the enlisted men, the army and navy were said to add saltpeter to the rations.  However effective that ingredient was for the libido, it certainly suppressed our urge to sing.  There was no effort to lead us into the third verse, and amid the smirks and “huhs” the ceremony awkwardly ended.

But now I was confronted with this onanistic interpretation of American history.  Was our Western expansion merely therapy for teenagers?  Grab Mexican and Indian land instead of yourself!  Furthermore, I now considered the name of the song’s lyricist:  Katherine Lee Bates.  Was she confronting her own shameful suspicions that she was related to the very Master Bates who inspired wrist yoga?

Perhaps I should add saltpeter to my diet.

Let’s not forget the historic significance of this week.

November 13:  If you hate Ikea  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/11/13/the-unready-2/

November 16:  A Lawyer’s Special  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/11/16/monday-medieval-medley/

November 18:  When in Rome (allegedly)  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/18/corporate-christi-2/

November 19:  Mediacracy https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/11/20/mediacracy/

Then

Mississippi Votes on Life at Conception Ballot Initiative

Hoping to demonstrate his conservative principles, Gov. Mitt Romney stated his belief that life begins at ovulation.  His rival–in his mind, anyway–Senator Rick Santorum took a slightly stronger position:  every woman who isn’t pregnant is a murderess.  Once he was told the meaning of ovulation, Gov. Rick Perry demanded the abolition of the FDA.  Upon a second explanation of ovulation, Gov. Perry giggled.  Herman Cain introduced his 9-9 plan–mandating each American’s production of nine children in nine years to surpass China’s population.  Michelle Bachmann denounced the Federal Reserve’s management of sperm banks.   Newt Gingrich declared that unfertilized ova were the leading cause of salmonella.  Ron Paul pretended his microphone wasn’t working.

But now

Mississippi Defeats Life at Conception Ballot Initiative

Mitt Romney announced that he had always been a supporter of Proception.  Rick Perry dismissed conception as a theory, noting that he never personally had one.  Herman Cain was personally offended by the obvious liberal bias of Merriam-Webster in placing menstruate so close to minstrel.  Michelle Bachmann said her husband could cure homophones.  Newt Gingrich noted that Fallopian is a foreign word, “the kind they use in socialist Europe.”  Rick Santorum would limit citizenship to infants produced by the missionary position; he was a little vague how that could be proved.  Ron Paul remembered when libertarians were considered lunatics.

Petrograd–November 7, 1917

Aleksandr Kerensky was setting up the chess board when Lenin came into the room. “Lenny, do want the black or white pieces?”

“It doesn’t matter, Al. We’re all pawns, anyway. I suppose you know the Bolsheviks are going to storm the Winter Palace and seize control of Russia.”

“I’ve seen the ads in the newspaper.”

“These theatrics aren’t my idea. John Reed’s the media consultant. He says I can’t get absolute power without absolute publicity. If the French went around singing ‘La Marseillaise,’ we couldn’t disappoint the reporters by not having a song of our own.
“Mind you, not just any revolutionary ditty would do. Reed had to test-market them all. Imagine five hundred peasants and workers being herded into an auditorium to determine whether they prefer ‘The Internationale’, ‘I Got Plenty of Nuttin’,’ or ‘Anything Goes’!
“And we couldn’t let the French get away with a media coup like storming the Bastille. So Reed has chartered a battleship to sail into downtown Petrograd and fire at the Winter Palace. Then ten thousand Bolshevik extras, waving red banners and praising dialectical materialism, will seize the place. Afterward, there’ll be the usual buffet supper and open bar for the press.”

“Sounds exciting, Lenny.”

“Reed’s not satisfied. He says the Bolsheviks lack charisma. I’ve had several memos about getting a toupee. And now Reed’s decided we won’t use real Communists to storm the Winter Palace. It seems that they just don’t convey the innocence and waiflike charm that Reed wants in a proletarian. We’re auditioning actors, instead. Could you have your friend Stanislavsky send over some of his students to topple the government?”

“Sure. It’ll be a nice change of pace from Chekhov.”

“Now, Al, you mustn’t tell your guards a little secret. They probably wouldn’t fire on a bunch of actors, and we need the casualties for the dramatic effect.”

“I don’t have any guards.”

“There’s no one to defend democracy in Russia?”

“Oh, maybe at a cocktail party, but you know how Russian liberals are. All they can do is write novels. Their idea of defense against a Bolshevik onslaught would be to make a sarcastic remark in French.”

“Al, I’m sending over a couple of regiments of Red Guards to portray your troops. Unfortunately, for our media purposes, they can’t be photogenic.”

“Doesn’t matter to me. All I want out of this revolution is sympathy and a job at an American university. You can do me a favor, though.”

“A letter of recommendation?”

“That’d be nice, too, but I really want to know why I failed. For centuries Russia’s been oppressed. First the Mongols, and then the Czars. Finally, the democrats gained power, established civil liberty, and after six months, we’re being overthrown by popular demand.”

“Al, civil liberty means nothing to Russia. What is freedom of the press to a nation of illiterates? What is freedom of speech to people who won’t open their mouths for fear of frostbite? Russians want only one thing from their government, but it is essential to them. It’s their very reason for living. The Mongols gave it to them, the Czars gave it to them, we’ll give it to them, but democracy never could.”

“What is it?”

“An excuse to drink.”