FinermanWorks

Job Opening 1

Syria: ambassador who defected should be punished

BEIRUT — Syria’s Foreign Ministry said Thursday that the country’s former ambassador to Iraq should be punished after his defection to the opposition seeking to overthrow President Bashar Assad.

To defect to Iraq…that is humiliating.  Yes, it is better than fleeing to North Korea or Zimbabwe, but nonetheless consider the affront.  “Hi, I would rather be blown up in Baghdad than Damascus.  The gruesome chaos here is much nicer.”  Now, if the Ambassador had fled to France, who would blame him?  Madame Assad would probably join him.

Job Opening 2

Yes, this is a real ad:

We are currently in search of a Communications Manager for an Association in downtown Chicago .

POSITION TITLE: Communications Manager

SALARY: $15 – $17/hour, commensurate with experience

In Mumbai, a 14 year-old might consider this as an after-school job.

I could make more money running a lawn service….

Eugene’s Lawn and Lectures:  I can design your yard to look like any famous battlefield.

The Teutoburg Hint:  An arbor for any political canvassers, Jehovah Witnesses and those high school fundraisers (“Hi, Wanna buy a coupon book for our marching band and methadone clinic”).  As they stroll through your front yard forest, they should notice that previous solicitors have their skulls nailed to the trees.  Let them know how much you appreciate their visits.

Austerlitz Terrace:  What is more envigorating than a brisk climb up a hill?  Having someone push you off it.  A Tolstoy motif–“War, Splat and Peace”.

The Somme Valley:  Trenches and mud.  Very low maintenance–if anything gets mowed down, it won’t be grass.

So let me make your yard look like a spectacle!

Yesterday I found myself in a casino.  No, I did not play any of the tables.  I had to save my luck for the auditions of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”  After all, I was one of some 800 people vying to stand next to Meredith and guess either the capital of France (for $1,000) or the square root of Kanye West’s social security number (for $500,000).  In four weeks I will know whether or not I have a prayer, and then so will you. 

While waiting in line for the audition,  I did notice the desperate variety in the slot machines.  Apparently, the prospect of losing one quarter in the hope of winning fifty is not incentive enough.  Today’s slots need themes!  I saw one for “My Magic Pony”.  That should appeal to all the five-year-old girls at the casino.  Maybe it was intended to lure their grandparents–“Darling, look where I lost your college fund!”  But I was especially impressed with “The Sex in the City” slot machine.  Perhaps I should have invested a dollar to see how the game worked.  Obviously, the orgasms and tribulations of those four Manhattan women could not be scored by six oranges in a row.  No, I imagine the scoring would be…

Three Cosmopolitans in a row–$5.

Four Kim Cattrall nude scenes–$20

Five non-abusive heterosexual males in New York–$100

Six Manolo Blahnik shoes–enough to pay for one pair.

How could I resist?  The thought of losing a dollar to Sheldon Adelson….

 And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day (and imagine John Calvin on “Sex in the City”; well, he’d be more fun than John Knox):  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/07/10/the-joys-of-misery-and-the-embarrassment-of-evolution/

TV Legend Andy Griffith Dies at 86

Noting the passing of Andy Griffith, Senator Mitch McConnell blamed Obamacare.  “The death panels are already at work.  And the Anti-Gun policies of this administration meant that poor Mr. Griffith couldn’t have the machine guns or howitzers to defend himself from liberal bureaucrats.”

Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney noted Griffith’s passing as the death of an era.  “Mayberry was America, your America, my America.  An America where Gomer Pyle was proud to take my place in Viet Nam.  An America where Aunt Bea never had an abortion.  She just pretended that Barney was a foundling.  Yes, Otis was the town drunk; but he was the only liberal there.  And look how happy the minorities of Mayberry were; you never saw a dark look from any of them.   Perhaps that Mayberry is gone, but we can bring it back.  And when I am president, I can promise you the same wages as those golden years of the 1960’s.”

And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/07/03/how-wyoming-got-its-name-to-its-complete-bewilderment/

Sr. Communication Manager

Must foster an inclusive work environment and respect all aspects of diversity. Must demonstrate and value differences in others’ strengths, perspectives,…

 

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Divorcing

Dominic Strauss-Kahn and Wife Divorcing

Leon Trotsky and Meyer Lansky evidently were unavailable, so I was the synagogue’s third choice to conduct this Friday’s Sabbath service.  But am I ready to be the Jewish Elmer Gantry?  My first attempt at faith healing proved rather tactless.  I thought the lady was paralyzed and I laid hands on her botox.  My thumbprints literally left the impression that she had been lobotomized.  The synagogue’s malpractice insurance is dealing with it. 

As part of the Sabbath service, I will be discussing this week’s Torah portion.  Here is a summary of it:  the Israelites moved to Kibrothhataavah after we were caught stealing the towels at Ramada, then on to the more pronounceable Hazeroth, then Rithmath because the schools were better, then Rithmonperez for the lower property taxes, and forty-seven campsites later Aaron died.  He may have been 125 years old; he certainly felt it. 

I have to believe that every word of this story is true because it is soooo boring.  “And they set out from Terah and encamped at Mithkah.”  Any fabrication would have enlivened it.  “The dragons of Mount Shepur attacked our encampment–eating Aaron alive and carrying off Zipporah to breed a race of  fire-breathing flying accountants.”   

Hey, this is a Reform Temple.  I can get away with it.

Romney Exhibits a Change in Tone on Immigration

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. — Mitt Romney struck a more conciliatory tone toward illegal immigrants on Thursday than he took during the Republican primary season, but he backed only limited steps to address the concerns of many Hispanic voters as he confronted one of the trickiest issues in his efforts to build a broad general election coalition.  Speaking to a group of Hispanic officials in the heart of a swing state, Mr. Romney made his most extensive remarks on immigration since President Obama announced last week that he would use executive authority to allow many young people who are in the country illegally to avoid deportation.

Attempting to establish a rapport with the Hispanic community, Mitt Romney announced that he was moving the Velasquez painting from the guest bathroom to the living room.  When asked in which of his homes, Romney conferred with his advisors before exclaiming, “All of them.”

The former governor added, “I really don’t think you are inferior.  In fact, Ann tells me that your King Juan Carlos is much better at polo than Prince Charles.”  Romney further gushed his enthusiasm for Man of La Mancha-“What great Spanish music”– and asked the audience to sing along with him “The Impossible Dream.”  When the crowd proved unfamiliar with the Broadway music of an American Jew, the still chipper Mr. Romney proposed “How about Carmen?”

At least, the audience knew the word “toreador.”

To my immense disappointment, none of you readers seem to be Hollywood producers.  If any of you are, why are you remaking “Spider Man” instead an epic on one of my Byzantines?  I am willing to compromise:  the Justinian Code could be a kewl kid’s guide to dating at Constantinople High.

We now resume the ongoing satire known as my life.  In the course of scrounging for writing assignments, I was asked to produce my college transcripts.  (But human resource departments also reject supplicants if they sound like college graduates; the trick is to go to school without learning anything.)

Yesterday, while applying for my college transcripts, I discovered that Northwestern is unaware that it has a school of journalism. The online service was quite adamant that I was making up Medill. Since Medill did not produce Stephen Colbert or Ann-Margaret, the obscurity may be deserved. Being old-fashioned, I am familiar with the telephone and decided to notify Medill of its demise.

Its number had not been disconnected, and the human on the other end was also surprised to learn that the college did not seem to exist. She did promise to help me obtain my transcript but she would need some basic information from me.

Her first question:  “Can you spell your last name?”

I replied,  “Yes, otherwise I doubt that I could have gotten into Medill.”   Five seconds later, she laughed.  I then proved my literacy by spelling Finerman.

Her next question:  “What year did you receive your degree?”

The answer was “1980.”  She seemed stunned, and I felt obliged to fill the silence.  “Yes, Guttenberg was on the faculty then.”  She seemed shocked that anyone my decrepit age would ask for a transcript.  Apparently, nursing homes and mortuaries don’t request them.

Ironically (what else), my request is a tribute to Medill.  With all the benefits of its education, I am adequately literate and definitely penurious to keep writing.

First, I want to wish a Happy Summer Solstice to all my pagan readers. The day meant little to my desert ancestors: “Hey, Abe. God is giving us another two minutes of daylight and heat prostration.”

And I doubt that the ancient Celts would have been especially thrilled with the solstice. “Och, we have another two minutes to enjoy our picturesque destitution.” (You have to be desperate to even think of fermenting peat, although the results seem to be effectively numbing.)

Let’s face it: the Summer Solstice was just the Greeks and Italians coming up with any excuse for an orgy.

And since it is now summer, let’s discuss food spoilage. (There was a time I would have thought about women in bikinis.) Francis Bacon knew there was a correlation between cold temperatures and food preservation, so he began a scientific study of the phenomenon. In his experiment of packing a chicken with snow, Bacon unfortunately discovered a correlation between cold, bronchitis and death.

However, history does not know who first made the correlation. It had to be someone who actually was familiar with cold and hot seasons, and observed–perhaps barely surviving–the climatic effects on food spoilage. Was it some Roman sentry along Hadrian’s Wall, who noticed that there was less morta in mortadella? Was it a Hun who discovered his raw horse jerky was less enjoyable in Italy than on the Steppes? I wonder if some Hun or Vandal shaman even gave health lectures to the troops…

MEN DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!

Barbarian Warrior: Sacking Rome is exhausting work. I could use a lunch break. Say, this restaurant looks tempting. Let’s loot it.

Shaman: Yes, those sausages look good, but who knows what’s lurking inside them? The Romans can’t put up a defense, but their food could kill you. So, if you must have meat this far south, make sure that it is still alive when you bite it.

Indeed, some of the barbarians apparently were quite worried about food poisoning. Believing that any taste was a sign of spoilage, the Angle-Saxons insisted on boiling everything until it was a pulp. However, the Franks went to the other extreme. They actually liked what mold can do to food. Ce botulisme est delicieuse! The idea of the Petri dish probably originated at Cordon Bleu.

Career opportunities for any aspiring Torquemadas, Himmlers or Stalins…

Loyalty Operations Support Project Manager

J.P. Morgan Chief, Tarnished by Trading Loss, Remains Steadfast Before Senate Banking Panel

Jamie Dimon explained the nature of hedging.  “Think of the market as a roulette wheel.  You want to be place a $5 bet on a number, say 23.  You have a 1 in 37 chance of winning a 35 to 1 return.  Now we, as the roulette wheel operator, will cover your bet; but we need to hedge it as well.  After all, your number might come up and we would lose $ 175.  So, our strategy is to place $175 on each of 34 other numbers on the roulette wheel.  If any of numbers come up, we have successfully hedged ourselves from the future possibility of your number coming up.  An investment of $5,950 could make us $5 and save us $175. 

Of course, if your number or a zero comes up, then we will have lost the $5,950 and still have to pay you $175.  That is why we have also made the same hedging bet on 35 other roulette tables.  Fifteen will be in Europe and Asia for any foreign exchange fluctuations. 

So you can appreciate the sophistication of our strategy.” 

Senator:  You lost three billion dollars hedging a $5 bet?

Dimon:  And you only have yourself to blame.  If you only allowed us to deregulate, we could have used a fixed roulette wheel.