FinermanWorks

According to that endearing reactionary Mike Huckabee, “Homosexuality could pose a public health risk.” So, with a straight face (any other face could cause AIDS), I can predict the following medical prescriptions of a Huckabee Presidency.

To discourage Tchaikovsky’s influence on our youth, high school bands should not play “The 1812 Overture.” You can get AIDS from sharing phonograph needles.

Corn on the cob is just too suggestive.

No respectable person needs more than eight colors in a Crayola box. That so-called variety just encourages deviation; and the sixty-four pack guarantees it. Burnt Sienna leads to burnt Gomorrah.

The Catholic Church must stop celebrating Communion until the FDA determines exactly what part of Jesus is being served.

Religion requires marketing and marketing requires religion.

In the eight, nine and ten centuries, there was a competition between Rome and Constantinople to see who would convert the pagan Slavs to Christianity. The vying missionaries couldn’t always produce miracles on schedule to win converts, so they often used means that we might find nauseatingly familiar.

The Byzantines tried advertising. However, going door-to-door, they noticed that no one would read their Greek Orthodox religious tracts. The Slavs were illiterate and, even if they weren’t, it is not likely that they would want to read a foreign language. A pair of Byzantine marketing wizards, Cyril and Methodius, made their ad campaign more intelligible by modifying the Greek alphabet to the Slavic tongues. (Cyril and Methodius received sainthoods but Cyril got the glory; the Cyrillic Alphabet is named for him.)

Both Rome and Constantinople sought celebrity endorsements. Their respective salesmen appealed to the local kinglets and chieftains, who would then coerce their respective tribes to salvation. In wooing the petty royalty, the Byzantines had the advantage when it came to bribes: silks and crafted goblets, craftsmanship beyond the ability of those benighted western Europeans. To many a Slavic chieftain, the Byzantine luxuries were unearthly delights and easily seemed proof of Constantinople’s superior faith. That approach sold Russia.

Of course, Rome’s missionaries had their unique offers as well. They often could point to an army of Catholic Franks or Germans just across the border, and who were more than eager to proselytize in their own way. That proved very convincing as well, perhaps even more than silverware and a designer wardrobe.

Topic 1: I think that the quality of spam is improving. Here is an unsolicited ad that I just received.

Click Here To View Feynman’s Page Nobel Laureates Featured On Vega: … erectile dysfunction com viagra online generic erectile dysfunction diet …

Now, how many Nobel acceptance speeches discussed “erectile dysfunction”? I am sure that Ernest Hemingway wanted to. And I believe that Marie Curie complained about the social pressure to shave her legs. Linus Pauling could have asked the audience if anyone would lend him some Swedish coins for the parking meter. But evidently only Richard Feynman was so inspired by the thought of Nobel groupies and the demands that they might make on him.

Topic 2: The Suppuration of Church and State

In my adventures as a speechwriter, I have grown too familiar with the Willard Romneys of this world. They have nothing to say, but always want an audience. Willard just did that, purportedly addressing the topic of his religion convictions but presenting instead a platter of platitudes. However, he did say something memorable if only because it was so absurd.

Freedom requires religion, just as religion requires freedom.

The Founding Fathers would have been surprised to hear that freedom requires religion. And any number of Inquisitors and Imans have disproved that religion requires freedom.

Of course, Willard could deal with those Founding Fathers, Inquisitors and Imans by converting them to Mormonism. One of the more unique facilities of his faith is posthumous conversion. One of the apparent advantages of death is that you can become a Mormon with just a little paperwork; the corpse’s consent is not even necessary. Just imagine Ben Franklin, Tomas Torquemada and the Ayatollah Khomeini sitting in the same pew listening to the Tabernacle Chorus. In fact, Willard could convert 39 of our past Presidents into Latter Day Saints.

Then he could proclaim, “If Mormonism was good enough for Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln, it should be good enough for every American.”

Tomorrow Mitt Romney will speak about his Mormon faith. Today a focus group is telling him what he believes.

Pollster and candidate trainer Frank Luntz recruited 15 insurance agents from a Rotary Club luncheon to find out what they wanted in a Mormon.

Luntz first questioned the focus group about its impression of Mormons. The group knew that Mormons had big families and liked to sing, but somehow weren’t Italian. Luntz then asked the group if it preferred Mr. Romney to be Italian. Romney offered to curl his hair.

Then came a sort of discussion of the Mormon faith. Since only Mormons are allowed to know the tenets of their religion, Luntz could only describe what he had read on Wikipedia: specifically that Jesus did not drink coffee. The focus group considered that UnAmerican. Mr. Romney volunteered to serve decaf for the Second Coming.

Luntz asked the group what it wanted in a Mormon Jesus. Everyone agreed that He had to speak English and be an excellent golfer. He also had to a legal alien. Romney promised to personally check Jesus’ immigration papers and deport Him if necessary.

Confusing Mormonism with Scientology, several members of the focus group thought that a Mormon Jesus travelled in a space ship. However, since this was not a majority opinion, Mr. Romney vaguely disagreed.

Finally, Luntz asked the audience what Mr. Romney should say tomorrow. The focus group recommended a concession speech.

Not every Roman was enamoured with Greek culture. Cato (234-149 B.C.) was a xenophobic bigot who found creative fulfillment as a Censor, an office that became his epithet. He was opposed to Hellenism and strived to protect Rome from such Greek perversions as hygiene and literacy.

He was more successful with his other phobia: Carthage. A veteran of of the Second Punic War, Catomade a grudge into a fixation. When addressing the Roman Senate, he would conclude any and every speech, regardless of the topic, with his signature line “Delenda est Carthago”–“Carthage must be destroyed.” He did successfully stoke Rome’s hatred of Carthage. The year of Cato’s death, Rome declared war on Carthage and eventually destroyed the city, slaughtering or enslaving the populace. As a final gesture, the Romans plowed Carthage’s soil with salt so that nothing might grow there. Cato would have been so pleased.

An editorial in yesterday’s New York Times lamented the decline and fall of the Latin language. There was a time, and really not so long so ago, when a person could not be considered well educated without a knowledge of Latin. That was true even in the early 20th century. The subtitles for the silent version of “Ben Hur” could have been in Latin, and much of the audience would have followed along.

But as America became a world power, we succumbed to self-infatuation. We assumed ourselves to be the measure of all things. Weren’t we the the envy of the world? Our dollars and television shows would bridge cultures. Why should we know another language; it was the world’s task to learn English. American education reflected our imperial perspective, and it had our uniquely democratic arrogance: the lowest common denominator should be the standard of culture. Our children do not need to know any language but English, and even grammar is optional.

However, a classical education would have taught us that the word “infatuation” is derived from the Latin for fool. The other great imperial powers of history, for all their cultural presumption, still respected a classical education. Spain wanted everyone to know Latin, if only for prayer. The British Empire at its height was confident God was an English gentleman and, as one, certainly had a classical education at Heaven’s equivalent of Eton. Even the Roman Empire, which evidently was fluent in Latin, included a mastery of Greek in its educational standards.

In fact, only the ancient Greeks themselves had a cultural myopia similar to our own. They saw no need to know another language. In fact, they had a word for anyone who was not Greek: barbarian. Their overbearing sense of superiority does have one mitigating explanation; they happened to be right.

I doubt we are.

We just went shopping for Hanukkah candles. For any Rothschilds here, you can purchase a box of 44 candles for as much as $6. For that kind of money, I would expect a personal appearance by the Messiah.

Of course, we planned to buy the brand that we have been purchasing since the Fall of the Temple. That box costs $2.59.

But we noticed a special offering a box for just fifty cents. My wife was about to buy them. However, being an irrepressible cynic, I ventured “They probably were made in China.”

Guess What! Yes, cynics are frequently right.

The idea of Chinese Hanukkah candles at first is amusing. Then, knowing the quality of Chinese products, it is quite intimidating. Who knows what surprise ingredients are in those Hanukkah candles? Napalm? Industrial waste? A buffet of carcinogenics?

For the extra two dollars, my wife and I preferred to stay alive.

My wife just told me “Roger Smith died.” I thought that she was referring to a former actor best known for being the husband–and manager— of Ann-Margret. Karen corrected me, “No, Roger B. Smith, the chairman of General Motors in the 80s.”

In other words, the Roger Smith with the less successful career.

But what if Ann-Margret had made the same mistake. Imagine her life if she had married Roger B. Smith….

Sensing the tempo of the late Sixties, Roger B. Smith casts Ann-Margret with Tony Perkins in a revival of the Ma and Pa Kettle movies. By the 1990s, Mr. Smith feels that television is ready for Ann-Margret. He casts her as the daffy wife of an abusive Cuban band leader. The failure of that sitcom does not deter Mr. Smith. The next season, Ann-Margret is back playing identical cousins, and the following year she is cast as a nose-twitching witch.

Masterminding his wife’s return to movie stardom, Smith finds a film that captures the talents and allure of Ann-Margret. In 2006, the 64-year-old actress stars in the title role of “Kitten With a Whip.”

This day would have been the 67th wedding of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. Unless you are a blind Amish, you have seen episodes of their 1950’s television series. Even today, with our post-Eisenhower sophistication, the show is still quite funny. However, a modern perspective does offer two remarkable revelations. First, oh my God, Lucille Ball was really attractive. Second, yuck, Desi Arnaz was really unbearable.

Even in the 1950s, there was no secret that Desi was talentless and charmless. You had to conclude that Ethel Mertz(Vivian Vance) had better taste in men. Now, however, Desi seems more than just a drag on the show. He is an offensive, abusive pig. We might coin the term “cockpecking.” He is always badgering and bullying that poor lovely woman. “Lucy, where my dinner?” and of course, the immortal “Lucy, you got a lot of ‘splaining to do.” Granted, Lucy Ricardo’s mind isn’t as bright as her hair. Didn’t he notice before the wedding that she could earn him a Green Card but not a membership in Mensa?

Now, if a kindly(?) Jewish liberal has this visceral reaction to such tyrannical Latino machismo, imagine how your typical Republican would respond. We’d have another Spanish-American War. Those old video clips of Ricky Ricardo could well incite one. Most of us really do not care if Juan Carlos or Mario Vargas Llosa are sneaking across the border just to mow our lawns. But we wouldn’t want our sisters or daughters subjugated to these cockpecking Hispanic louts!

So, to protect our borders and women, “I Love Lucy” episodes should be required viewing. (The Justice Department can tell whether or not you are watching.) And, if the series seems a little dated, we can always remake it with Alberto Gonzales and Anne Coulter.

At least in the good old days, evil was grammatical. William Vanderbilt was shameless but intelligible when he growled, “The public be damned.” Today’s Robber Baron would say, “The nonvested stakeholders vectorize retrogressively.”

A prominent producer of Junk Food is advertising for a “Transformation Communication Lead.” That used to be called “writer.”
Here is the job description, along with the all-too-necessary translation.

The Release Communication Lead will be responsible for supporting the development and execution of release communications as defined by the communications approach and strategy.

You will parrot whatever you are told by a lying MBA or a blathering HR buffoon.

Responsible for working with the Readiness & Training team, One Up Release Leadership, One Up Communications Lead and the business to manage and optimize communications efforts in support of the Release Five deployment. Manage communication activities to ensure the associates and key stakeholders progress through the change process to ensure adoption of the new systems and processes.

Your responsibilty is to ensure that everyone gets One Up their’s.

Ability to take ownership and independently drive progress in a matrixed organization.

In the event of a scandal, you are the scapegoat.

Tolerance for ambiguity

You should enjoy dishonesty or be too stupid to know when the company is lying.

This is a junk food conglomeration. It makes some of our favorite cholesterol. Since we already know that its products are cheerfully killing us, why would its corporate communications need to be cryptic and oblique? What further scandals need to be surpressed? Did Cap’n Crunch command death squads to kill labor organizers among the Keebler Elves?

No, once again, the miscreants of Human Resources are waging their vendettas against coherence. And they are stacking the corporation communications department, hiring only those who share their determination to replace intelligible English with impenetrable jargon.

Or should I say, a matrixed pro-activized terminological jargonization.