Author Archive

The Chicago Tribulation

Posted in General on April 5th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

The Chicago Tribune is one of Chicago’s grandest institutions.  Of course, so is Al Capone.  And since Mr. Capone was a Republican, the Tribune no doubt gave him favorable coverage.  No other newspaper would have linked Eleanor Roosevelt with the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.  Given the newspaper’s lopsided editorial perspective, it was rather surprising the Trib-owned Cubs never celebrated “Joseph McCarthy Day” at Wrigley Field (with a free bobble-head of Anne Coulter to the first 500 fans).

You may know that the Tribune now has been acquired by a real estate magnate named Sam Zell.  Since he openly admits to reading David Brooks and Charles Krauthammer, there is no hope of a major editorial shift in the newspaper.  Yet, I imagine that there still will be a few changes in the Tribune.  For example, the editorials now may be less adamant about keeping America out of World War II.  On the comics page, “Dick Tracy” is likely to drop his investigation of “Cathy” over whether she really kills Christian children to make matzo.

How to Replace the Electoral College

Posted in General on April 4th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

APES TO NAME NEIGHBORING TRUMPETER SWANS
Associated Press

DES MOINES, Iowa – The eight bonobos at the Great Ape Trust of Iowa howled Tuesday as they watched two trumpeter swans dip into a lake for the first time. Who can blame them? Not only will the apes get new neighbors, they’ll get a chance to name the rare birds. “They were very excited,” said scientist Karyl Swartz. “It’s something new in their environment.” Department of Natural Resources officials released the white swans as part of a restoration project that places birds to nest and produce offspring that are then released into the wild. 
The Great Ape Trust’s grounds include 40 acres of lakes and wetlands, making it a perfect spot for the swans. And the birds will give the bonobos at the trust an interesting distraction.
“They’re going to be curious about what’s going on down here,” Swartz said. “They monitor their environment closely.”

Bonobos walk on two legs and are the most humanlike in appearance of the great apes. They have sophisticated language skills, a trait they’ll demonstrate when asked to name the swans.  Swartz said they’ll either use a board that has symbols the apes associate with objects or choose names from a list researchers provide. The apes already use the board to Communicate with humans to identify things like location, food and color.

Swartz said after observing the swans, the bonobos could pick a name that they think reflects the birds’ behavior. They’ll also get photos of the swans to carry around. She said the apes can recognize gender, with the help of a tag collar around the male swan’s neck.

 

Although deemed too intelligent for jury duty, the bonobos are routinely employed in focus groups for snack foods, television shows and political campaigns. Any improvement in Sen. Mitch McConnell’s toupees has been attributed to the bonobos’ taste. Republican consultant Frank Luntz has hopes of training them as either candidates or at least a physically attractive alternative to NeoConservatives.

And Co-starring Jennie McCarthy as Emily Dickinson

Posted in General on April 2nd, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

For those of you who have had salacious fantasies about sharing a hot tub with Jane Austen, Hollywood now will spare you any further strain on your imagination.  In “Becoming Jane“, the beauteous Anne Hathaway will portray the author in all her erotic allure.  I can just imagine the commercial tie-ins with “Victoria’s Secret”–featuring the real Queen Victoria. 

And this may lead to a Jane Austen craze in Hollywood.  Here are the scripts that I am offering…

Quentin Tarentino’sRegency Dogs“–in which Jane Austen hunts down and kills the Bronte Sisters.

Nora Ephron’sWhen Jane Met Benny“–in which adorable super shiksa Jane (Meg Ryan) meets funny but neurotic Jewish Prime Minister (Adam Sandler).

Ron Howard’sJane Awesome“–in which the big-hearted writer sacrifices her own literary career to help a deaf Beethoven compose music, keep Lewis and Clark from getting lost, and save Western Civilization by beating Napoleon in a boxing match.

Epistle From the Hebrews

Posted in General on April 1st, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

“It’s funny that people are freaking out about how the Jews are portrayed. If you believe or even look at the Bible as a history book, it’s not like Mel Gibson changed the story. The Jews were responsible for Christ’s death.”

So, according to the Gospel of a college-educated 30 year-old, I am guilty of deicide.   My friend probably would give me the benefit of the Statute of Limitations.   As I informed her, the Jews did not kill Jesus but we do make wonderful scapegoats.

Now beginneth my sermon. The Four Gospels should not be viewed as histories but as advertisements, a potent mix of marketing and polemics that sold a new theology. They were written in a period from 40 to 70 years after the death of Jesus, and their text and tone reflect the conflicts and challenges of the early Church. Christianity had begun and was floundering as a Jewish movement. The Acts of the Apostles admits as much. The Church hierarchy was in Jerusalem, led by Jesus’ relatives and the Apostles, and adamantly directing its message solely to a Jewish audience. Any interested Gentile was first obliged to become a Jew in order to be a Christian.

The prospect of 100 dietary laws and circumcision certainly deterred conversion. St. Paul was the first to challenge this approach, proposing to market Christianity as Judaism-Lite: morality, salvation and pork. In hindsight, we can see that Paul’s interpretation was the more appealing; yet, in his lifetime, he had limited success. The Church was still in essence “Jews for Jesus.”

Then Rome determined the future of both Judaism and Christianity. The Emperors showed a consistent sadism in choosing brutal, greedy governors to control Judea. (On a comparative scale, Herod the Great was one of the more charming rulers.) In A.D. 66, after 12 years of Nero’s appointees, Judea rose in rebellion and put up a ferocious resistance. It took the Empire four years to crush the rebellion but the outcome should have been obvious. Imagine one Richard Dreyfuss fighting twenty Sylvester Stallones. My ancestors evidently were expecting a miracle…and our lease with the Landlord practically guaranteed it. I suppose the miracle was that anyone survived. However, one third of the population did not, and Jerusalem was destroyed. While the Romans were slaughtering the Judeans, they did not distinguish the various theological divisions among their victims. The “Jews for Jesus” were just as dead as the rest.

Without the constraints of the Jerusalem hierarchy, the surviving Christians were now free to drop the Jewish aspects of their religion and make the Church more appealing to Gentiles. The Gospels of Mark and Matthew still adhered to the original Jewish orientation, preaching that Jesus was indeed the promised fulfillment of Judaism. Of course, they weren’t having much success with a Jewish audience; wouldn’t a real Messiah have provided better protection against Romans? The rebuffed Matthew retorted that the Jews had suffered divine retribution for rejecting Jesus and would continue to suffer until they converted. “His blood be on us and on our children.” The frustration of rejection and Matthew’s dyspeptic nature are also evident in his denunciations of the Pharisees, lumping them with the High Priests as Jesus’ killers. In reality, the Pharisees were the long-standing opponents of the Temple Hierarchy, denouncing its politics and venality. The Pharisees had no power in Jerusalem and no culpability in Jesus’ death. However, in the aftermath of the War, their rabbinical, communal approach to worship became the prevalent practice of Judaism. They were succeeding where “Jews for Jesus” was failing, and Matthew hated them for that.

The Gospels of Luke and John were written for a Gentile audience. (It was effortless for Luke; he was the only one of the Gospel writers with a foreskin.) To do so, the authors had to address and surmount the Jewish origins of their religion. In the Hellenized world of the 1st century, Jews were unpopular. We were regarded as obnoxious, crude troublemakers, and we had yet to develop our disarming sense of humor. The Greeks-those cultural snobs–had despised us for centuries, and no one ever accused us of killing Apollo. The Christian Evangelists had to ingratiate themselves with the pagan public, and they had to divorce themselves from Judaism to do so. In a brilliant marketing campaign, the Church reinvented and repositioned itself. It was no longer “Jews for Jesus” or even St. Paul’s Judaism-Lite but a completely different, competitive and hostile religion.

Christianity had to be made more Gentile, and the Church had to avoid any semblance to challenging Rome. Since Nero, Christians were mindful of the lions’ feeding times at the local arena. Jesus had been crucified by the Romans, but the Church seemed willing to forgive a powerful enemy. All the Gospels bestow Pontius Pilate with a tact and sensitivity that his mother wouldn’t have believed. If the crucifixion required a villain, the Jews would be a safer choice. The Church could demonstrate its independence from the other monotheism and assimilate itself in the popular prejudice. The later Gospels reflected this pragmatism. While Mark and Matthew say a crowd called for the death of Jesus, Luke incriminates “the people” and John spells it out: “the Jews.” The Gospels present Pontius Pilate as yet another victim of the Jews, a philosophical but weak soul bullied into ordering the crucifixion. The notion seems more appropriate for satire than scripture. Even by Roman standards, Pilate was a brutal thug. Historians of the period recount his casual use of massacres to ensure quiet. Furthermore, as the Governor of Judea, Pilate had complete power over the Temple Hierarchy, including the right to hire and fire the High Priest. When Pilate was recalled in A.D. 37, his acting successor Lucius Vitellius replaced two High Priests in a three-month period. In A.D. 70, in the aftermath of the Rebellion, the Romans finally abolished the High Priesthood for having failed to reconcile the Jews to servitude. Yet, the Gospels blame the Priesthood instead of the Romans, condemning the dummy rather than the ventriloquist.

 

The question remains: Why did Pilate kill Jesus? Despite their enthusiasm for violence, the Romans were not in the habit of executing philosophers. Otherwise, Athens would have been depopulated. Furthermore, the Romans had a variety of tortures and executions to punish an itinerant preacher for practicing medicine without a license. The agony and spectacle of crucifixion was reserved for one crime alone: insurrection. Jesus was condemned as a Zealot. Pilate certainly had reasons to suspect it. Jesus and many of his followers were from Galilee, a chronic site of rebellion against Rome. Worse, the Galileans tended to incite the rest of the populace. The Romans had recently crushed an uprising in Jerusalem by “the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices.(Luke 13; 1)” Now Pilate had to deal with another Galilean mob, one with a charismatic leader promising a coming kingdom that apparently would supersede Rome. It may have only been a metaphysical threat but Pilate wouldn’t chance the distinction.

 

Pilate also might have heard a very interesting allegory. Mark recounts it; none of the later Gospels dared. In Mark 5, Jesus meets a possessed man. Addressing the demons Jesus asks, “What is your name?” The demons respond, “My name is Legion, for we are many.” Jesus then exorcises the demons, casting them into a conveniently close herd of swine. The afflicted animals then are driven into the sea. Of course, Legion was more than just an arbitrary choice of names; it was the principal unit of the Roman army. And what was a herd of swine doing in a nice Jewish neighborhood? It either was the property of an unwelcome Roman garrison or-more likely-it was a metaphor for that garrison. So, to summarize the story, Jesus confronts a legion of demons-a herd of swine-and drives them into the sea. Pilate would have gotten the message, and Jesus evidently got Pilate’s response.

 

Rome definitely killed Jesus, but that brutal power made it too dangerous to challenge. Mark and Matthew blamed their Jewish rivals. Luke and John incriminated an entire nation. Yet, the Evangelists would never have imagined that their literary license would incite centuries of persecution and massacres. Nor would they have been acquiescent or indifferent to Anti-Semitism. Mark, Matthew and John would have died in the Crusades, the pogroms and the Holocaust. So would Jesus. The Gospels did blame Jews for the death of Jesus, but they really didn’t mean it. “They knew not what they do.”

On This Day in 1492

Posted in General, On This Day on March 31st, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Part I

Why Disraeli Was Not Prime Minister of Spain

Isabella of Castille was an idiot; it is not an usual condition in royalty.  Her husband Ferdinand of Aragon actually was bright and completely free of scruples; Machiavelli considered him a role model.  However, Ferdinand turned out to be a little too clever.   

He had a get-rich-quick scheme. The wily and avaricious king commissioned a Spanish Inquisition in 1483 with the idea of gouging wealthy suspects who showed any reluctance toward pork. Of course, the bulk of the loot would go to the crown. The Inquisition, however, was not content to be Ferdinand’s pickpocket. It was going to save Spain from tolerance, innovation and whatever else reeked of heresy. To his dismay, Ferdinand could not control the Holy Office’s pyromania. He became its most comfortable prisoner, complying with the rabid dictates of the Grand Inquisitor.  While the rest of Europe had the Renaissance, Spain had the Inquisition.

On this day in 1492, a pious Isabella and an intimidated Ferdinand ordered the expulsion of Jews from Spain. 

If Mel Torme and I had ghostwritten the proclamation, it would have been the following:

“Heretics roasting on an open fire.
Embers singeing Marranos.
Dies Irae being sung by the fire
While Luth’rans scream in their death throes.

Everybody knows where the Inquisition hangs its hood
They’re record sales on kindling wood.
So always do what those monks ask of you
Or else you will be barbecued.

If the friars find you lack
The proper faith they will put you on the rack
So on their good side be sure to stay
And go to Mass 12 times a day.

Just keep on offering your yearly tithe.
Its’ fire insurance on your life.
And on Ash Wednesday you can gloat in your pew.
The ash won’t be from you.” 

Part II

Ole Vey!

Out of mischief or masochism, I wondered what the Catholic Encyclopedia had to say about Tomas de Torquemada. Would modern Catholic scholarship admit that Spain’s Grand Pyromaniac was a monster, claim to never have heard of him, or equivocate over the meaning and context of mass-murder? Take a wild guess!

The Catholica Encyclopedia concedes that Torquemada was somewhat controversial and, perhaps from a modern perspective, a tad cruel. However, the Encyclopedia quibbles over the number of his victims: it couldn’t be 20,000, probably not even 6,000, say 2,000 tops. Who would think that Catholic scholars would act like Jewish wholesalers? In fact, that was exactly what Torqumada feared. According to the Encyclopedia. he was trying to protect Spain from being “Judaized”.

Apparently, he burned the most infectious 2,000, 6,000 or 20,000 people and saved Spain from that dreadful fate. But what if he had failed? Just imagine a Judaized Spain.

In 1492, Columbus was commissioned by their Most Sephardic Majesties Fred and Bella to sail west to China, where he was to pick up two orders each of chicken cashew, mongolian beef, and hot & sour soup. Naturally, he was to bring back the receipt.

During the 16th century, the countries we now know as Ladino America are overrun by armies of peddlers. The Aztecs are persuaded to buy Popeil cutlery for their human sacrifices. In Cubala and the Rabbinican Republic, the most promising athletes are enslaved by sports agents.

Of course, Spanish art is equally transformed. El Greco’s Transfigurations now depict a 13 year-old becoming a man. The princesses painted by Velasquez will seem much more annoying. And no one will ever call himself Goya.

Literature will also reflect this Judaizing. Hemingway’s Death in the Afternoon will convey the pageantry, drama and danger of an all-you-can-eat brunch. Of course, the masterpiece of Spanish literature is Cervantes’ Sancho Panza, the comic epic of a rotund schlep who hangs around a demented gentile for excitement.

Oh, and the Spanish Civil War was a lawsuit.

 

 

The Passion of the Eugene

Posted in General on March 30th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

I may give up Passover for Lent.  As if the last 2000 years did not provide persecution, Jews torture themselves once a year by eating a form of styrofoam called matzo.  For eight days we endure it as a substitute for bread. 

According to Exodus and Cecil B. DeMille, when the Jews were fleeing Egypt they did not have time to prepare the bread in any edible form.  Skipping a few steps–including leavening–in the baking, the result was mottled, tasteless slabs, flaky but indestructible.  No self-respecting mold would want to grow on it. 

However, the very nature of matzo makes me doubt the historical basis of the Exodus.   If the Exodus really had occurred, archaeologists certainly would have found the matzo crumbs by now.

Of course, I must mention Passover’s role in Christianity.    Why do you think that Jesus allowed Himself to be crucified?  Even HE couldn’t stand matzo for 8 days.

Craigslist: AD 193

Posted in General, On This Day on March 28th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

There were some advantages to being a Roman emperor. For instance, until the fifth century, the pay was excellent. You would rarely be turned down at an orgy. Furthermore, the job would never be outsourced to India, if only because the Romans had but a vague notion about India’s location.

Longevity, however, was another matter. From an actuarial perspective, an emperor would have regarded murder as a natural cause of death. In a period of five centuries, Rome had more than 80 emperors. The total is imprecise because the imperial reigns often were.

The Emperor Pertinax might have expected a longer reign. He certainly was an improvement over his predecessor, the depauched and incompetent Commodus. (You remember him from “Gladiator.”) Indeed, on his own merits, Pertinax had the makings of an excellent ruler. He was conscientious, honest and capable. You could add frugality to his virtues, but that actually was a flaw in Rome. The people wanted their bread and circuses, and the Praetorian Guard expected “donations”.

The Praetorians could overlook any vice in an emperor but stinginess. Pertinax had every virtue but generosity, so he did not survive his bodyguards. Today is that dubious anniversary.

The impulsive Praetorians seized the throne but had no one to occupy it. Then the extravagantly rich Didius Julianus,  the Steve Forbes of his day, simply decided to buy the position of emperor. He showed up at the Praetorians’ camp and proceeded to bid for their loyalty. Another patrician competed in the auction for the Empire, but Julianus outbid him. His purchased Praetorians then cowed the Senate into acclaiming him the emperor.

The Praetorians’ loyalty lasted two months. When an ambitious general marched on Rome, the imperial guard switched sides again. Julianus did not live to regret it. He now is remembered as a joke. (The same might be said of Steve Forbes.)

My Kind of Town

Posted in General on March 27th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – 1 Comment

You may have seen commercials with actor Jeff Daniels promoting Michigan and its wonderful climate for business.

I think that Chicago should try a similar tactic.  This city can’t live forever on the residuals from Al Capone, and we never got any for the atom bomb.  The question is which Chicago-born celebrity would be the perfect representative.  Jim Belushi might be the most authentic, but I am doubt many businesses would relocate based on his recommendations of the 50 best places to throw up. 

No, Chicago would want a more sophisticated appeal; and I can think of one of our natives who has it…

Of course, you know that I am John Malkevich.  If you don’t, go about your pathetic existence and let me speak to the sentient members of the audience.  I want to tell you about the wonderful opportunities awaiting you in Chicago.  Yes, like me, you would rather live in the south of France; but you can make a fortune here that would buy you a paradise in Provence.

Chicago is your kind of town for business.  Here I am at one of our totally mystifying and completely barbaric futures exchanges.  Yes, it is incomprehendible–and what better place to launder your money. 

Does your business need financing?  Here I am on Chicago’s Gold Coast, where you will find many lonely, rich widows.  With this city’s friendly spirit, you will not have any trouble talking your way into their apartments and lives. 

Do you need a creative means of transportation?  Chicago has alleys.  They are perfect for discreet entrances and impromptu exits. 

And even if worse comes to worse, you will appreciate Chicago’s convenient judicial system.  Cook County pays its jurors $17; I am sure that you could be more generous. 

So, if you are looking for a perfect climate for business, Chicago is your sociopath to success.

 

 

Mulling with the Mullahs

Posted in General on March 23rd, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment
IRAN SEIZES 15 BRITISH SAILORS, MARINES  DUBAI, United Arab Emirates – Iranian naval vessels on Friday seized 15 British sailors and marines who had boarded a merchant ship in Iraqi waters of the Persian Gulf as part of efforts to protect the Iraqi coastline and its oil terminals, U.S. and British officials said.

 

 

And that is Iran’s film review of “300.”  If you are not familiar with the Iranian rating system, here is an explanation:

Three or fewer hostages: excellent film, two thumbs up. (For instance, the slightly edited musical “Seven Brides for One Brother”)

 

Four to seven: good film, one thumb up. (“The Virgin Suicide Bombers”)Eight to twelve: fair, one thumb cut off. (“Edward Scimitarhands”)

Thirteen or more:  Don’t ask. (Anything with Jews)

 

 

And Today’s Special Guest Victim Is…

Posted in General, On This Day on March 23rd, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

If embezzlers and MBAs had a Hall of Fame, Nicolas Fouquet would be shamelessly prominent. As the Minister of Finance during the early reign of Louis XIV, Fouquet maintained a bookkeeping system modeled after the Gordian Knot. It could be said that he would collect all the revenues but was willing to share some with the government, or at least the officials he liked.

Fouquet had the finest home in France. It seems unlikely that he afforded it just by brownbagging his lunches. The thought certainly occurred to Louis XIV, who evidently resented being the social inferior of his minister. The King ordered Fouquet arrested for embezzlement. There was a public trial, and the verdict could hardly be in doubt, but the judges proved unusally sympathetic to the accused. (Had they been past recipients of Fouquet’s generosity?) They sentenced him to banishment; you might well suspect that Fouquet planned a comfortable exile. The King, however, overruled that lenient sentence and condemned Fouquet to life imprisonment. The disgraced minister spent the last fifteen years of his life in a less than luxurious cell. He died this day in 1680.

His second career began in the 1930s. Someone in Hollywood had been reading Alexandre Dumas. The 19th century French novelist apparently had screenplays in mind. “The Three Musketeers” and “The Count of Monte Cristo” had been box office hits, and the studios wanted more. While Dumas himself was no longer available, he had been prolific and his works included a sequel to The Three Musketeers. Based on a legend about a prisoner in the Bastille, the story was known as “The Man in the Iron Mask.”

Dumas had imagined that the title character was Philippe the twin brother of Louis XIV, hidden from birth but now the center of a plot to substitute him on the throne. In the novel, the younger brother was the unknowing pawn of ambitious men. Their attempted coup fails, however, due to the heroism of D’Artagnan and the shrewdness of a government minister named Fouquet. The real king is saved (even if France isn’t) and Philippe is condemned to the Bastille where his royal features are covered by an iron mask.

It seemed like another swashbuckler perfect for Hollywood…except for one problem: the villains. In Dumas’ novel the conspirators were the Jesuits, led by the renegade musketeer Aramis. Hollywood was not prepared to vilify the Catholic Church (although the Church never has been shy about vilifying Hollywood). So, a new villain had to be created.

Poor Fouquet already had a criminal record. Since he was an embezzler, why not make him a traitor, too? So, from helping to foil the plot, Fouquet became the mastermind of it.

But then Hollywood came up with yet another improvement on the plot. Instead of making poor Philippe a malleable cipher, portray him as a noble alternative to his wicked older brother Louis–and have the plot succeed. Good Philippe would secretly replaced Louis, who then would become The Man in the Iron Mask. Of course, Fouquet would still have to be a villain, but he would prove his intrinsic evil by being loyal to the legitimate King.

The logic of the plot was very similar to Fouquet’s Gordian bookkeeping. Dumas would have been dismayed; he actually seemed to like the wily minister. In fact, Dumas even gives Fouquet one of the novel’s few jokes.

Fouquet has heard rumors of the twin prince. He asks a trusted henchman, “Do you recall some mystery surrounding the birth of Louis XIV?”

The aide replies, “Do you mean that Louis XIII was not the father?”

Fouquet corrects him, “I said a mystery.”