BP CEO at yacht race during spill

The oil giant’s head takes a break from disaster to enjoy a British yachting contest

By Associated Press

BP chief executive Tony Hayward, often criticized for being tone-deaf to U.S. concerns about the worst oil spill in American history, took time off Saturday to attend a glitzy yacht race off England’s Isle of Wight.

Spokeswoman Sheila Williams said Hayward took a break from overseeing BP efforts to stem the undersea gusher in Gulf of Mexico to watch his boat “Bob” participate in the J.P. Morgan Asset Management Round the Island Race.

The one-day yacht race is one of the world’s largest, attracting hundreds of boats and thousands of sailors.

In a statement, BP described Hayward’s day off as “a rare moment of private time” and said that “no matter where he is, he is always in touch with what is happening within BP” and can direct recovery operations if required.

The corporate spokesman continued, “None of the yachts hit an oil rig here.  Why doesn’t the media report that?”  When the media were so rude as to note that are no oil rigs near the Isle of Wight, the spokesman said “That only proves BP and Mr. Haywood’s dedicated, caring commitment to the environment.  And no whales or walruses were hurt either.  Yes, Mrs. Hayward did accidently drop her pug Wrinkletto from the yacht, but Wrinky was rescued and is fine.  Of course, you media should blame yourself; all that stress made Mrs. Hayward and Wrinky nervous.

“Why can’t the media cover the positive aspects of this story.  Isn’t ‘Bob’ a friendly, folksy name for a yacht?    It just shows you the kind of person Mr. Haywood really is.  His polo ponies are named Fred and Ethel.”

p.s.  Happy Summer Solstice: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/21/the-ptomaine-entree-2/

Leonardo DiCaprio has been recruited by Clint Eastwood to play former head of the FBI J. Edgar Hoover.

Of course, I would have cast Linda Hunt to play J. Edgar Hoover.  She would be the right height…among other things.  Nonetheless, I believe that Eastwood will do an intelligent and insightful film, which is more than J. Edgar deserves.

Imagine what other directors would do…

Ridley Scott’s “Hoover” begins at the battle of the Argonne, where young Lieutenant Hoover (played by Russell Crowe) defeats the German army and personally arrests the Kaiser.  Pursuing justice becomes the sole purpose of his life, suppressing any other interests.  (Ahem.  Ridley does show that Hoover has an autographed picture of Lawrence of Arabia.)  Hoover will subsequently defeat the 50,000 members of the Capone/Dillinger gang in a shootout at Wrigley Field.  Then, in Korea, he vanquishes the Red Chinese army and its leader Ethel Rosenberg.

 Ron Howard’s “Hoover’ introduces us to third-grade patrol boy (Tom Hanks) who sees how the inherent depravity of jay-walking leads to a life of crime and treason.  In Howard’s interpretation, J. Edgar’s only ambiguity is that he sometimes confuses himself with Herbert Hoover.

 Judd Apatow’s “Hoover” has Jonah Hill realizing that the only way he can get a date is by arresting the woman.  Costarring Katherine Heigl as Bonnie Parker, Scarlet Johansson as Ma Barker and Drew Barrymore as Eva Braun.

Pedro Almodovar’s “Hoover” has Javier Bardem with a crush on Franklin Roosevelt (played by Antonio Banderas).  He hopes to break up the President’s marriage by framing Eleanor (Penelope Cruz) as a Communist bootlegger.

You know, I would be willing to see any of these films–except Ron Howard’s.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/18/waterloo-or-lieu-2/

Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III (really):  Miss Kagan, we in Alabama believe in the Christian institution of marriage, and I understand you New York people have something similar.  But you’re not married.  Now I’m not gonna ask if you’re some sort of pervert but I think that the other Justices of the Supreme Court oughta know if they’re safe sharing a bench with you.

Elena Kagan:  I appreciate your interest in my sex life.  I wish I had some interest in it, too.  Let me explain why I’m not married….

Where have all the Goodmans gone,

At least the wed-able

willing Jewish paragon

who’s not too Oedipal?

Where’s that Mr. Rightstein who J-Date said I’d find?

Am I asking for so much–a CPA Einstein

(chorus)

I need a Hebrew.

I’m holding out for a Hebrew for the sake of the tribe.

He’ll be bright and adept

and can read right to left.

Why can’t Superman be circumcized?

I need a Hebrew.

I’m holding out for a Hebrew, Talmudic and wise,

with Kosher gametes

and’s in Dun & Bradstreet.

I’m so ripe for that stereotype.

Somewhere there’s a Semite

who suppose to marry me.

But my demographic plight,

he wants a thin, blonde valkyrie!

I’ve twice her body mass and three times her I.Q.

I’d let him have his mannequin but first please wed the Jew!

(chorus)

I need a Hebrew.

I’m holding out for a Hebrew for the sake of the tribe.

He’ll be bright and adept

and can read right to left.

Why can’t Superman be circumcized?

I need a Hebrew.

I’m holding out for a Hebrew, Talmudic and wise,

with Kosher gametes

and’s in Dun & Bradstreet.

I’m so ripe for that stereotype.

My ticking clock says we should rush to wedlock

while my estrogen’s still in stock.

Don’t stop here after 4000 years.

Persevere.

The bad dates and the slurs I’ve endured.

No, I’m not the L word.

My libido’s not skewed.

There’s a He in Hebrew.

(chorus)

(With apologies to Bonnie Tyler, but since the song was written by James Steinman of New York–he’d understand.  And would it have killed him to ask Elena Kagan out.)

Apparently the identify of BP is almost as murky as the waters of Gulf of Mexico.  For some inexplicable reason, reporters have referred to the gushing oil philanthropist as British Petroleum.  However, that is not merely wrong but slanderous.  As company spokesman Sir Reginald “Binky” Dabwattle insisted, “This is bloody well not a British company.  None of our products were used in the Hundred Years War–except for basting Joan of Arc.  We gladly would have sold axle grease to both sides at Waterloo, but that wog Bonaparte never asked.  Really, BP does not mean British.  It stands for something completely different, and a focus group is working on that right now.” 

Bulgarian Petroleum would be a possibility.  The Balkan country might be grateful for any attention.

Or the company could dispense with the initials and choose a name with a more illustrious, noble image.  How about Philip Morris?  No one is using it now.

And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/15/king-johns-involuntary-gift-to-us-2/

Of course, you have long wondered which wine to serve with French fries.  Through the vagaries of social obligation (my wife made me), we found ourselves at a restaurant where the menu recommends the suitable vintage for each and every offering.  If you want the Russet frites–alias fries- you should savor them with a sparkling wine.  That will be $8 for the fries and $9 for the glass of wine. 

Let’s continue our oenophiliac’s guide to bankruptcy.  What wine would you serve with a beet salad?  (Please ignore the fact that beet salad is only slightly more appealing than waterboarding.)  Beets are red, so you would probably order a wine of the same color.  Well, to plagiarize Alex Trebek, “I’m sorry.”  The correct answer is a Gewurztraminer, which does sound like a death camp but actually is another sparkling wine.  And yes, the glass of wine does cost more than the salad.

Time for entrees.  What goes with ricotta gnocchi?  Something Italian?  “I’m sorry.”  You should have served a viognier, even if you have never heard of it.  Naturally, I wouldn’t know what to serve with pork; I suppose a crucifix and a beer.  However, the restaurant assures me that Mel Gibson would expect a syrah.

And don’t forget the dessert wines.  For bread pudding you want the muscat, and the creme brulee requires a semillon.  God may forgive you for ordering wrong, but the sommelier never will.  (He may be entitled to strangle you with his chain–and, yes, there will be a corkage fee for that.)  Mind you, there is one advantage to being condemned as a social outcast.  If you are drinking yourself into oblivion, any wine is correct.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/12/incompetent-bureaucrats-and-overachieving-fleas-2/

June 13, 1625:  The First Martyrdom of Charles I

There was a fifty/fifty chance that one of our states might have been “Henriettaland”. Fortunately, the wife of Charles I had a more palatable middle name: Marie. That probably was the most tolerable thing about her.

On this day in 1625, she became the wife of Charles I. What an unfortunate time for an English king to be a heterosexual. It did not help that Charles was a weak-willed dolt. The French Princess Henrietta was a domineering, belligerent moron. Her father, Henri IV was a wise, adroit, charming, tolerant ruler but who died when his daughter was an infant. Henrietta took after her mother, a blundering battle-axe (yes, Henri cheated on her) whose inept regency of France triggered rebellion and coups. In fact, the Queen Mother was eventually exiled by her annoyed son Louis XIII (on the always wise advice of then Bishop Richelieu).

However, England had no Richelieus. (James I had picked his ministers for their looks.) Charles I simply…very simply…deferred to his wife. Henrietta’s goading and provocations triggered the civil war that would kill her husband. In fairness, Cromwell should have beheaded her, too–but she was watching the Civil War from a spectator’s box in France.

Upon Restoration of the monarchy, she returned to England where her belligerent nature quickly exasperated her wise, adroit, charming, tolerant son Charles II (who obviously took after grandpere). She was encouraged to retire to France.

Nonetheless, as an observant Catholic, Henrietta Marie did have some admirers–among them her fellow parishioner Lord Calvert. In 1632 Calvert decided to sponsor a Catholic colony in North America, and it seemed a clever idea to name the haven for both the Queen of England…and the presumed Queen of Heaven.

Musing I:

Has it really been 2,333 years since Alexander the Great died?  I thought that Oliver Stone had embarrassed Alexander to death just six years ago.

I started watching Stone’s travesty “Alexander” but I gave up faster than a Persian.  (Will anyone here explain to me the appeal of Colin Farrell. He seems like a scrofular pub lout–which by a remarkable coincidence he is.)

Tell me, when did the Greeks have Irish accents? Given Stone’s pathological reinventing of history, I was surprised that we didn’t see James Joyce tutoring the young Alexander. And with computer graphics doing the casting, imagine Barry Fitzgerald as Ptolemy and Victor McLaglen as Philip. Furthermore, Maureen O’Hara is still available for the role of Olympias. If only John Ford had made the film….

However, I don’t think that Ford would have been comfortable with Alexander’s libido.    Scrolling through my papyrus editions of Asia on Five Denarii a Day I see that Alexander ‘s favorite bar was called The Hung Gardens of Babylon.

Musing II:

Chicago again has a championship team.  (The Capone Gang is still the sentimental favorite.)  In honor of the Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup, I will afflict you with this lecture on the Stanleys.

https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/10/25/the-dubious-derby/

For Paul Family, Libertarian Ethos Began at Home

New York Times

WASHINGTON — In keeping with their position as the First Family of Libertarianism, the Pauls of Lake Jackson, Tex., did not have many rules around their home.

“Behave yourself and be polite” is how Representative Ron Paul describes his regulatory philosophy about rearing five children. Mr. Paul, a Republican, and his wife of 53 years, Carol, never believed in assigned chores or mandates.

They did not give out allowances, which they viewed as a parental version of a government handout.

During each of  the pregnancies, Ron Paul induced his wife’s labor in her eighth month.  “Any longer than that would be socialist.”  Each child was born on the front lawn.  Paul wanted them to have an early understanding of Libertarianism.  “If they come into this house, it has to be their own choice.  In a truly free market, they should be allowed to see other housing possibilities.  The infant should also explore other meal options available.  My wife does not have a mammary monopoly, and I wouldn’t want my child to think otherwise.  We are not running a welfare state.”

Rand Paul remembers the valuable lessons of his childhood.  “We could only eat what we found or caught.  I can tell you 14 different recipes for cat.  But Dad wouldn’t let us eat roadkill.  That would be acknowledging the value of government-built roads.”  

And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/06/d-day-musings-2/

June 4, 1942:  Zen and the Art of Aircraft Carrier Maintenance

According to the best-sellers list from 30 years ago, the Japanese were expected to be running the universe by now. The Yen was almighty, and the rest of the world was simply Japan’s outer islands. Any aspiring entrepreneur was told to think like a samurai–except for the hara-kiri. Corporations restructured themselves on the basis of two viewings of “Yojimbo.”

Of course, we now know that the Chinese will dominate the world. (No, it was not a case of mistaken identity. There is a physical difference between the Chinese and Japanese; the Japanese dress better.) The Japanese may actually have overworked themselves into their decline. While putting in 80 hours a week at the job, they forgot to reproduce. Perhaps a 15 minute “coppy” break in the work day could have replenished the demographics; unfortunately, the Japanese sense of hygiene must have been a detriment. Japan now has a dwindling population.

No, the Japanese “invincibility” of the Eighties was simply that they were methodical. They knew a good idea when they stole one. Think of all the Japanese inventions. That didn’t take long. But consider how they successfully developed and marketed those products. If you would like an American television set, go to the Smithsonian. In fact, Japan was the first to use cheap Chinese labor for manufacturing. (The Chinese also know a good idea when they steal it.)

The Japanese are thoroughly methodical but they have no talent for improvisation. How many Japanese comedians do you know? At an open-mike night in a Tokyo club, people would reenact their favorite scenes from Kabuki. This lack of spontaneity would explain why Kurosawa made so few comedies and why the Japanese lost the battle of Midway.

On this day in 1942, a Japanese fleet found itself totally disoriented (sorry but I couldn’t resist) by the presence of a smaller American force at Midway. The Japanese were surprised to find three evidently hostile aircraft carriers confronting them. No doubt, the Japanese would have liked a few days to contemplate the petals of a chrysanthemum and develop a brilliant strategy in a haiku. But we Americans are always in a rush–fighting a two-front war can be hectic–so we rather brusquely sank four Japanese carriers. Apparently, Zen is not a good defense.

If the Japanese were a more spontaneous people, they would not been so stupefied by the surprises of war. Did they think that they had a monopoly on surprise attacks? Admiral Yamamoto did graduate work at Harvard but apparently none at the Lampoon. Just imagine if the Japanese fleet at Midway had been commanded instead by a Groucho Marx. The Japanese could have quickly reacted and reduced the American fleet to the equivalent of Margaret Dumont.

But the Japanese mind lacked that flexibility. You can’t fly by the seat of your pants when wearing a kimono.