Your RDA of Irony

My Career as a Scriptwriter

Leonardo DiCaprio has been recruited by Clint Eastwood to play former head of the FBI J. Edgar Hoover.

Of course, I would have cast Linda Hunt to play J. Edgar Hoover.  She would be the right height…among other things.  Nonetheless, I believe that Eastwood will do an intelligent and insightful film, which is more than J. Edgar deserves.

Imagine what other directors would do…

Ridley Scott’s “Hoover” begins at the battle of the Argonne, where young Lieutenant Hoover (played by Russell Crowe) defeats the German army and personally arrests the Kaiser.  Pursuing justice becomes the sole purpose of his life, suppressing any other interests.  (Ahem.  Ridley does show that Hoover has an autographed picture of Lawrence of Arabia.)  Hoover will subsequently defeat the 50,000 members of the Capone/Dillinger gang in a shootout at Wrigley Field.  Then, in Korea, he vanquishes the Red Chinese army and its leader Ethel Rosenberg.

 Ron Howard’s “Hoover’ introduces us to third-grade patrol boy (Tom Hanks) who sees how the inherent depravity of jay-walking leads to a life of crime and treason.  In Howard’s interpretation, J. Edgar’s only ambiguity is that he sometimes confuses himself with Herbert Hoover.

 Judd Apatow’s “Hoover” has Jonah Hill realizing that the only way he can get a date is by arresting the woman.  Costarring Katherine Heigl as Bonnie Parker, Scarlet Johansson as Ma Barker and Drew Barrymore as Eva Braun.

Pedro Almodovar’s “Hoover” has Javier Bardem with a crush on Franklin Roosevelt (played by Antonio Banderas).  He hopes to break up the President’s marriage by framing Eleanor (Penelope Cruz) as a Communist bootlegger.

You know, I would be willing to see any of these films–except Ron Howard’s.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:

  1. Michael says:

    John Waters would be the best one to direct Hoover. The ghost of Divine would play Hoover, both in his J. Edgar and in his Mary scenes. Mink Stole would play Clyde Tolson.

  2. Hal Gordon says:

    At a press dinner in Washington once, Sen. Bob Dole brought down the house when he quipped that the lovely dress worn by Helen Thomas “was on loan from the J. Edgar Hoover collection.”

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