Posts Tagged ‘John McCain’

Accusation du Jour

Posted in General on October 6th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment


Accusing his opponent of coddling terrorists, John McCain demanded that Barack Obama denounce the leader of a 19th century slave rebellion. “Why hasn’t Senator Obama disassociated himself from this extremist, murderer and labor organizer Nat Turner? Let me tell you about Nat Turner. He used a honest discussion on the minimal wage as an excuse to murder 60 men, women and children in Virginia. And is this how Obama intends to campaign in that state?”

Three days later, the reporters capable of arithmetic began questioning McCain’s allegation. The Nat Turner Rebellion had occurred in 1831, 130 years before Obama was born. The McCain campaign replied, “Obama obviously needs more than 130 years to denounce his terrorist association.”

Nat Turner’s Rebellion lasted two days. In its suppression and aftermath, more than 100 blacks were killed or executed, including Turner. McCain credited the verdicts to strict constructionist judges, the type he would appoint. “If they had been Obama’s liberal judges, Turner might still be alive.”

In her campaign, Governor Sarah Palin continued this particular attack; however, she kept referring to Obama’s ties to the terrorist Nat King Cole. The McCain campaign defended the discrepancy by noting the song “Mona Lisa” referred to a painting by a homosexual.

Dunce Ex Machina

Posted in General on September 25th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – 4 Comments

Once Congressional leaders agreed on the $700 billion Wall Street welfare program, Senator John McCain descended from the ceiling to take credit–and applause–for everyone else’s work.

“Yes, my friends, my selfless example of putting patriotism over politics has been the inspiration for you all. I can’t stress enough how selfless I have been, suspending my campaign because my country needed my economic leadership. I understand the meaning of $ 700 billion; that is like marrying Cindy 3500 times. But I would make that sacrifice for America.”

When asked the specific details of his economic leadership, the Senator reached for his index cards and replied, “Regardless of what Senator Obama believes, I support the decimal system. I would never shortchange the American people by making the dollar worth three quarters. That one quarter might not mean much to my opponent but it does to millions of American children–children that Senator Obama would have aborted. And just for their quarters.”

Senator Obama denied any intentions to kill millions of children for their allowances, although he could offer no disproof of it. However, he did use a dictionary to demonstrate that a three-quarter dollar would be illogical. He was subsequently denounced for elitist arrogance in having a dictionary and flaunting his mastery of fractions.

Slander of the Free and the Home of the Brazen: How to win an election

Posted in General on September 13th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment


Would Barack Obama betray this country by selling illegal–and foreign–drugs to George Bush while America was fighting international terrorism? Could Barack Obama be that evil? And do you think that he would even pay taxes on those cocaine sales–money America needed–undermining and depriving our brave troops of the weapons and supplies to protect themselves AND YOU!

John McCain and Sarah Palin know what made America great–and it wasn’t cocaine!

I am John McCain and I approve this message.

The controversial ad eclipsed the other stories of the day: the nuclear war between Pakistan and India, China’s purchase of the Treasury Department, and Lindsey Lohan’s conversion to Judaism. Journalists were clamoring for more details.

Had President Bush really purchased cocaine from Senator Obama? Press Secretary Dana Perino refused to respond, saying that it would be improper to comment on the investigation of Senator Obama’s involvement in drugs, tax evasion, terrorism or any unsolved murders in Hawaii, Illinois or Washington D.C.

The Obama campaign denied the allegations and–after hours of discussions–called them “lies.” But the media demanded the Democrats prove that the Republicans were lying. The McCain campaign quickly produced this ad.

Barack Obama has called John McCain a liar. A wounded veteran. A prisoner of war. An American hero. But Barack Obama calls him a liar. Is this Obama’s idea of change…the same old politics of personal attacks? Obama should be ashamed of himself. America is.

I am John McCain and I approve of your righteous indignation.

The following news cycle–30 minutes later–the media asked “Should character assassin Barack Obama be forced to withdraw from the Democratic ticket?” After two minutes of questioning by Wolf Blitzer, Nancy Pelosi capitulated. Her Botox showing the strain, Speaker of the House Pelosi said “the Democratic Party needs a candidate beyond reproach-or at least one that the Republicans wouldn’t want to hurt. Maybe Joe Lieberman will take us back.”

Lieberman refused, however, unless he could have John McCain for his co-president. Obama stayed on the ticket despite demands for his indictment and his subsequent treatment for catatonia. Even in an incoherent stupor, Obama still won the Presidential debates if not the election.

In a bipartisan gesture, President McCain granted a blanket pardon to Senator Obama “just in case he actually did any of that stuff.”

Apocalypse Next

Posted in General on September 1st, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Demonstrating his concern for victims of Hurricane Gustav, President Bush announced guest memberships at Texas country clubs for anyone whose golf course has been flooded.

Arriving in Louisiana with 500 “John McCain for President” umbrellas, the Arizona Senator and his running mate Sarah “Rambelle” Palin expressed their conservative compassion for the victims. Ms. Palin demonstrated 30 different ways the umbrellas can be used to kill. Governor Bobby Jindal is expected to live. Ms. Palin almost apologized for the mistake, saying that the Indian-American “shouldn’t look that way, all terroristy.” Senator McCain did apologize, wishing Jindal “a full recovery or a better reincarnation.”

While McCain compared the plight of the hurricane victims to being in a North Vietnamese prison, Palin offered swimming lessons. “Every real American should be able to swim through ice floes while clutching a 50 caliber machine gun in your teeth.” Governor Rambelle also noted that the worst hurricanes always have “foreign names like Gustav and Katrina. And why don’t they ever strike those liberal places like New York or Beverly Hills?”

Rambelle may have included an ethic reference to her description of liberal places, but campaign spokesmen now insist that she said “jejune” or “Juneau”.

Responding to criticism that his running mate was a survivalist psychopath, Senator McCain said “Those are exactly the qualities America may need. You don’t really think that I can fix these Bush disasters: the economy, the wars, the climate–it is going to be chaos and barbarism. Anyone see “Mad Max” or “Waterworld”? I don’t expect to survive it; so the next President has to be a savage. Arnold Swarzenegger was just acting, but Sarah is the real thing. She will save the non-edible members of mankind. So what if she thinks that Christ’s first name is Thor?”

NBC’s Persecution of John McCain

Posted in General on August 19th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

McCain Campaign Attacks Bias of NBC

To prove NBC’s continuous discrimination against Senator John McCain, the Republican campaign presented the following examples:

Senator McCain has never been asked to portray a judge, witness or corpse on “Law and Order.”

Senator McCain was turned down for a role in “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” The role went to a younger man: Leo G. Carroll.

Although Senator McCain never appeared on “The Cosby Show”, neither Phylicia Rashād nor Lisa Bonet publicly denied that he was the father of a black child.

Despite John McCain’s comparable academic record, “The Today Show” hired J. Fred Muggs as its anthropoid correspondent.

J. Fred Muggs–McCain’s Vice Presidential Choice?

Why not? Mr. Muggs is 56 and certainly would have a broader appeal to youth. Like McCain, Muggs is known to have a temper–and once reportedly bit Martha Raye. However, Mr. Muggs was never verbally abusive. Cindy McCain should be so lucky.

Senator McCain and Mr. Muggs have similar long-playing records. As a former inmate of zoos, Mr. Muggs frequently refers to himself as a prisoner-of-war–whether or not it is relevant to the conversation.

Although Mr. Muggs is not–yet–a registered Republican, he shares many of the party’s values. He enjoys global warming and strongly supports banana republics. Mr. Muggs also questions evolution and certainly disputes its efficacy.

How to Get Published in the New York Times

Posted in General on July 22nd, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment


Dear _____

Thank you for your interest. Unfortunately, we find your article does not suit our needs at this time.
When submitting an article for publication in the New York Times, please remember the following rules.

Within the first paragraph mention your Ivy League school, a Pre-Raphaelite artist and, when applicable, any sexual orientation. For example, an essay on the International Monetary Fund could begin, “In my Junior year at Yale, I fantasized a tour of London based on the delirium tremens of Dante Gabriel Rossetti.” Please note that the International Monetary Fund was not mentioned here and indeed could be omitted from the entire article. This would be irony–and we just love that.

Please remember that any submitted article must contain the following words or phrases: post-modernist, bildungsroman, louche, byzantine, angst and “the alleged works of William Shakespeare.”

Following these precepts will elevate you above those presumptuous parvenus whose slush pile entries are just a needless risk of papercuts. And even if your article is still rejected, think of it as being slapped in the face by Marcel Proust. You can feel a little more significant just by the mere contact.

President Sidney

Posted in General on June 30th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Barack Hussein Obama must be a Moslem because of his middle name. Using that same irrefutable criterion, one must conclude that John Sidney McCain is Jewish. Just say the name Sidney and you conjure the images of a schlub accountant, a wisecracking deli man, or the retired garment worker in Florida. What do they have in common? Certainly not a foreskin.

Yes, I know that Sidney McCain does not look Jewish. But neither did Kirk Douglas until he turned 75. (So any minute now….) And the evidence is already there: Oy, is he a Sidney! Consider his campaign pledges. He denounces pork barrel legislation; so what has he got against pork? He also promises to cut government spending: the man just does not want to pay retail. As for his personal life, the stereotype holds true: his second wife is a younger, blonde shiksa. And what real Gentile would willingly hang around Joseph Lieberman? (Even we Jews are tempted to give the little nebbish a wedgie and steal his lunch money.)

Now that the world knows the truth, beware of a President Sidney. Would you want to see state dinners replaced by Sunday brunches? Do you want “The Star Spangled Banner” to be replaced by a Gershwin tune, even if it is easier to sing? (“Strike Up the Band” sounds patriotic but “I Got Plenty of Nuttin’ would be a more accurate state of the union.) Would you want an America run like a Hollywood studio? Well, that actually might be an improvement. If only we could be sure that Sidney McCain were as good as Louis B. Mayer.