October 9, 1003:  Leif Ericson Lands in North America and Earns a Holiday in Minnesota

The Vikings are notorious for their vices, but they apparently possessed one fatal virtue: hygiene. Whether it was their fondness for saunas or the antiseptic cold of Greenland, the Vikings’ cleanliness ruined their chance to colonize North America. Starting with Leif Ericson in 1000, the Norse attempted to settle “Vinland.” Of course, the original inhabitants objected but the Vikings were never shy about other people’s property. Beyond their extrovert personalities, the Norse also had the tactical advantages of iron and steel armaments. The native American arsenal was still in the stone age. Nonetheless, the sheer number of the natives (Skraeling was the Viking name for them) made the prospect of slaughtering them rather demoralizing. And the Vikings’ damn hygiene eliminated the most effective weapon for depopulation: disease.

The Norse had nothing to infect their opponents, not a single small pox to share. Even their livestock was healthy. The “Skraelings” would have had no resistance to European germs; measles would have been a fatal plague. The Vikings then could have had Vinland to themselves. Just imagine how history would have changed: North America could have been one vast Minnesota. But the Vikings were too clean to succeed.

The Skraelings had a 500-year reprieve before they were introduced to the Spanish, French, English and small pox.

The Historical Significance of October 7th:

Today is Karen Finerman’s birthday.

Of slightly less historical importance, this is also the anniversary of battle of Lepanto.  In 1571 Venice was ruefully learning that crime doesn’t pay for more than three centuries.  All that valuable Byzantine territory that Venice had seized in the Fourth Crusade was now being reclaimed by the new empire in Constantinople.  The Ottomans had begun their conquest of Cyprus, so the Venetians begged help from the Pope, who begged help from the Spanish, who never refused any charity that involved killing non-Catholics.

The Spanish, the Venetians, along with the Genoese, amassed a fleet of some 200 ships, and the Pope provided a nifty name for the alliance:  the Holy League.  Emboldened by God’s’ product placement, this fleet embarked for western Greece where an equally large Turkish fleet was awaiting it.  The Turks, sailing oar-powered ships, and armed with archers and catapults, were more than ready to fight the battle of Actium.  The Latino gang came to the rumble with muskets and cannons.

Guess who won?  Yes, Christendom was saved from the Turks…except

1.  The loss of the Turkish fleet did not seriously impede the conquest of Cyprus.  The Turks completed the conquest of the island by 1573. Sultan Selim II compared his lost fleet at Lepanto to a singed beard:  “It will grow back.”

2.  Half of Christendom was actually rooting for the Turks.  Who would the Protestants prefer?  Philip II wanted to burn them alive.  Selim would have been content with the infidel tax.  But the Ottoman Fan Club was not solely comprised of Protestants.  Just scan the roster of the Holy League, and you should notice a major omission.  Mais oui, the French were pro-Turkish as well.  I am not suggesting that Catherine de Medici was belly-dancing in the Louvre; France just hated the Hapsburgs more than it liked Catholicism.  In fact, the French and the Turks had an alliance dating back to the 1520s and would last until 1798, when Napoleon was tactless enough to invade Egypt.  (He was surprised that the Turks seemed to mind his attack on their richest province.)

With the Spanish triumph at Lepanto, Philip II was more devout and unbearable than ever.  Deprived of the distracting Turkish threat, an intimidated France now would comply with Spain’s prejudices.  The next year’s St. Bartholomew’s Day would be memorable for the Huguenots.  Philip also resumed his crusade to make the Dutch into votive candles.

But the Dutch successfully resisted, with the none too covert aid of a large Protestant island to the West.  (Confronted with Spanish protests, the island’s sovereign averred her innocence, lying in superb iambic pentameter.)  Exasperated, Philip decided to conquer that island and amassed an invasion fleet–with many of the same ships that triumphed at Lepanto.  He did not quite anticipate two problems, however.  The English were better sailors than the Turks, and the North Sea is much rougher than the Mediterranean.

So the battle of Lepanto seems to have had no real lasting effect unless you were a Turkish widow or a Protestant cinder.  Yet, there is one footnote and it might be more important than the actual battle….One Turkish soldier evidently had a musket but a mediocre aim. He hit a Spanish soldier, leaving him with a crippled left arm and perhaps a sense of irony. The handicapped veteran must have written “Don Quixote” with his right hand.

Although most of the time I can pass for a precocious 14 year old, I will confess to a few hints that I might be somewhat older.  For instance,when I saw this headline:

Selena Gomez ‘Creeped Out’ by Franco Character

I first thought of Francisco rather than James.  The two are not easily confused…but perhaps they should be.  In fairness, the Spanish Civil War would have been much more congenial if James had been leading the Fascists…

Our Franco:  All right, Ern.  If I can drink these three bottles of Amontillado in 30 minutes–and keep ’em down–you give me Madrid and rewrite “The Sun Also Rises” to make Gertrude Stein the babe.

Mr. Hemingway:  And if you can’t?

Our Franco:  My army surrenders and I’ll let you punch me in the mouth every time I call you Ern.

And I dare say the Academy Awards would have been more interesting if the other Franco had been the host…

Anne Hathaway:  The nominees for best director are…

Their Franco:  Not allowed to be a Freemason or a Jew.

Anne:  You are joking?  You would be disqualifying half of the Academy’s membership.

Their Franco:  But at least I am not turning them over to Mel Gibson.  You know what he’d do.

Anne:  So the nominees won’t be Darren Aronofsky, the Coen Brothers or David Russell.  We still have Tom Hooper of “The King’s Speech”…

Their Franco:  Is there a Senora Hooper?

Anne:  Ah, no.  He went to Oxford…Our only nominee is David Fincher of “The Social Network” and he has been married!

Their Franco:  I don’t approve of divorce.  This year’s winner for best director is Leo McCarey for “Going My Way”.

I am planning to have my bar mitzvah next year.  (Most of you suspect that I am only 12; half of the time, my wife does.)  Forty-seven years ago, I dropped out of Hebrew school–and if you knew my classmates at the time, you wouldn’t blame me.  It was a Yiddish production of “Lord of the Flies.”

Fortunately, my family was not shocked by my rebellious irreverence; in my secular home, ancient incantations seemed less important than ethnic identity.  So I was trained to know the Jewish member of every film cast…Leslie Howard in “Gone With the Wind”, Erland Josephson in “Cries and Whispers”, half of Claire Trevor in “Stagecoach.”  At least it was good preparation for Jeopardy.

My wife Karen had a more conventional upbringing than I did, equal parts Sholem Aleichem and Philip Roth.  Years of Sunday school made her literate in Hebrew; however, at the time, her synagogue did not offer bat mitzvahs.  So the nice Jewish girl and the renegade Jewish boy were equally unmitzvahed.  No one would mistake us for Patrick and Deirdre, but we felt a desire to a fulfill our commitment to 4000 years of history, tradition and idiosyncrasy.  So the two of us enrolled in an adult bar mitzvah program.

The class began with a dozen aspiring candidates.  But the challenge and frequent absurdity of Hebrew (21 letters, half of which are k, along with 350 vowels) took a toll.  Half of the class dropped out; one lady found the gutteral exertions threatened her botox.  But Karen and I persevered.  I now have a command of Hebrew that qualifies me to be a village idiot anywhere in Israel.  And this week, in preparation for the actual ceremony,  we received our assigned chapters in the Torah.

The Torah is actually the first five books of the Bible.  We know that Genesis and Exodus have everything you’d want in a movie.  Leviticus actually can be quite funny:  imagine a temper tantrum by Jackie Mason.  Deuteronomy really is outtakes from Exodus; it would have been the added features in the special DVD of “The Ten Commandments.”  But then there is Numbers–apparently the root word of numb.  It is basically a census of how many warriors in each tribe and how many sheep each person contributed to the Israelite Bond Dinner.

So, what is the purpose of Numbers?  I believe that it was the first CPA examination.  Nothing in the book would pass a serious audit.  According to the tally, the ancient Israelites had an army of 603,550 men.  Really?  With that size army, why stop at conquering Canaan?  Take Egypt, Troy and Babylon, too.   Persia and Rome, at their height of power, never commanded half so large a force.  But Joshua did?  Either Bernie Madoff is 3000 years old, or he was following in the family business.

And, if you had any doubts, Karen and I have been assigned to read from Numbers.   Maybe we should have bribed the Rabbi.

October 1, 331 B.C.:  Alexander the Great Justifies His Adjective

Darius III no longer underestimated Alexander the Great.  He had lost almost half his empire by doing so.  In 334 B.C., when the 22 year-old Macedonian invaded the Persian Empire, the Persians first tried to stop him with the equivalent of the Asia Minor National Guard.  And that is how they lose Asia Minor.  The following year, the Persians mustered an army twice the size of Alexander’s.  And that is how they lost Syria, Judea and Egypt.

It turned out that mere numbers were no strategy against Alexander.  The Persian army was little more than a badly equipped mob.  Facing the better-armed and brilliantly led Greeks, the Persians had one of two choices.  To patiently wait to be impaled by the Macedonian phalanx or run, hoping that the Greek cavalry would tired of slaughtering them.  (That was the one advantage of Persian numbers.)    Darius, himself, had proved an embarrassment.  He led the army into battle but was foremost in the retreat, even abandoning his family to the Greeks.

Over the next two years Alexander toured the provinces of his new empire.  Some of the Persian governors and local populations attempted to resist.  Megalomaniacs hate to take no for an answer, and Alexander was not adverse to massacres.  What was left of the populations of Tyre and Gaza was sold into slavery.  Perhaps the people of Egypt heard; they decided to proclaim Alexander a God.  Megalomaniacs like that.

In the meantime, Darius prepared for his next battle.  He summoned the forces from the remaining half of his empire.  We can only guess the total.  Ancient historians, either employees or fans of Alexander, said that Darius had amassed one million men.  Modern historians have ventured estimates ranging from 100,000 to 250,000 men.   However, there is a consensus that this army was largely composed of cavalry.  Unlike the infantry, the Persian horsemen were only slightly inferior to the Greeks; a three-to-one advantage would make up for any disparity.  Furthermore, Darius chose a battle site that would allow his 40,000 horsemen, 200 chariots and 15 elephants to dominate the field: the plains of Gaugamela.

The battle was on this day in 331 B.C.  For all of Darius’ careful preparation, there was one flaw.  Alexander was still a military genius who could perceive any weakness in the Persian array and immediately improvise a devastating exploitation of it.  Furthermore, Alexander knew the panicky personality of Darius.  The Macedonian began the battle by ordering some of his cavalry to threaten the left wing of the Persian force.  The Persian cavalry set out after them and inadvertently exposed their king to a frontal assault.  Alexander considered that an invitation;  his best cavalry had been held in reserve for such an opportunity.  When Darius saw the Macedonian elite about to ride him down, guess what he did?

The Persian infantry joined in the panic.  The Persian cavalry thought it was winning the skirmish only to discover the battle was over.  Darius survived the battle but his reign did not.  No one wanted to follow him anymore.  The surviving Persian governors decided that Alexander would make a better Shah, and those who promptly grovelled found the young Macedonian to be quite generous.  Gods can afford to be.

As for Darius he lasted another year, a wandering fugitive, until his last remaining courtiers got tired of being loyal.  Alexander gave him a royal burial.

Saudi king gives women right to vote

Reuters

JEDDAH — Saudi Arabia’s king announced on Sunday women would be given the right to vote and stand in elections, a bold shift in the ultra-conservative absolute monarchy as pressure for social and democratic reform sweeps the Middle East.

It was by far the biggest change in Saudi Arabia’s tightly-controlled society yet ordered by the 88-year-old Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al-Saud, who took power six years ago with a reformer’s reputation but has ruled as a cautious conservative.

In practice, the measure will do little to change how the country is run: Saudi Arabia’s rulers allow elections only for half of the seats on municipal councils which have few powers. Only men will vote at the next elections which will take place next week; women will be allowed to vote in 2015.

How to Be a Saudi Election Judge; 2015 edition

All prospective women voters must have the following identification:  their husband standing next to them.

The husband must accompany any and all of his wives into the voting booth.  However, the wife is free to vote regardless of her husband’s wishes.  The husband is free to cut off her hand–but only one.  Any woman choosing to be organ donors may donate her offending hand to the goat feed charity of her choice.

Following her vote, a woman is to be flogged twenty times.  This is to discourage voter fraud.

On the other hand (the one still attached)

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court ruled Monday that states can require voters to produce photo identification without violating their constitutional rights, validating Republican-inspired voter ID laws. In a splintered 6-3 ruling, the court upheld Indiana’s strict photo ID requirement, which Democrats and civil rights groups said would deter poor, older and minority voters from casting ballots. Its backers said it was needed to prevent fraud.

Approving Indiana’s requirement of 12 photos–including three nudes and one of the prospective voter eating watermelon, Chief Justice John Roberts dismissed the objections that the standards were discriminatory and onerous. “Twelve photographs are easily accumulated. A picture at a Rotary golf outing, your Harvard yearbook, the wedding announcement in the New York Times. And anyone who hasn’t been photographed nude at a frat party just hasn’t lived.” The Chief Justice did acknowledge the possibility that the poor and minority groups might not have such prestigious photos, if any at all. “In that case, just bring a letter of introduction from your former owner.”

In a concurring but separate opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas felt that prospective voters–should at the request of election judges or state troopers–sing ‘Camptown Racetrack.’ “I do it without them even asking. And if you don’t know the words, you don’t deserve to vote.”

And now, from the people who brought you monotheism, psychoanalysis and the atomic bomb (you must have noticed the similarities) it is the year 5772!

Of course, there is no scientific or historical justification for that number. The Jews have only been around for 3500 years, and the world is somewhat older than 5,772. Yet, that number is not a zany choice or an arbitrary guess. As Milton Friedman explained in his classic work “How Little To Tip a
Waitress Before She Spits in Your Food“, the market will inevitably determine the correct value of everything. So it has to be 5772 if the Jews are willing to buy that.

But how did the Jews originally come up with such a paltry amount for the age of the world? When the chronology was first calculated–21 centuries ago–it seemed a reasonable sum. At the time, Rome only claimed to be 600 or so. Even Egypt couldn’t go back farther than 3,000 years. So, allowing for six days of creation, Methusaleh, 40 years in the desert, 4,000 years seemed a plausible total. (The Greeks had found the skeletons of very large reptiles but that only proved the existence of dragons.)

Even if the ancient Jews had known that the world actually was over 4 billion years old, they would have had trouble writing that large a number. The concept of zero did not yet exist. Yes, Jews did have a vague equivalent to the zero: the nebbish; but nebbish really was more of a metaphysical concept than a mathematical one.

So 21 centuries ago, our chronology was the best we could do. All right, now we know better. Happy 4,500,000,000th New Year might be precise, but 5772 has more eccentric charm.

As we look forward to a new year, let’s mingle nostalgia and nausea over the events of the last year.

We lost Amy Winehouse and can’t get rid of Eric Cantor.  With that smarmy personality, he probably still gets beaten up for his lunch money.  Of course, he would tell himself, “Wedgies are good for your posture.” While Eric was certainly was the most irritating Jew of the year, he actually was an improvement over the previous winner Ben Stein.  Two years ago, you couldn’t avoid the smug, smirking Stein on every television commercial.   “Hi, I’m Ben Stein, and I’m the reason that you’d want a good credit rating, clear refreshed eyes, and a $400 a month bill from Comcast.”  I am surprised that he didn’t foist himself on Jenny Craig:  “Hi, I’m the reason that Valerie Bertinelli left Eddie van Valen and wants to lose 40 pounds.”  Being surrounded by Republicans, Stein would have an exaggerated notion of his brilliance–any high school graduate would– but where did he get the idea that he was adorable?  Standing next to Eric Cantor?

The most embarrassing Jew of the past year was Anthony Weiner.  A congressman should keep in touch with his constituency, but where exactly does he want to be touched?  From a Jewish perspective, however, Weiner’s greatest outrage was waxing his chest.  For Jewish men, body hair is our claim to virility.  Even we Reform Jews still grow beards; they just happen to be on our backs. Sages study our ear hair for interpretations of the Kabala.  But that preening coxcomb Weiner has betrayed four thousand years of tradition and follicles. I hope that at least he waxed with a Yahrzeit candle.

As in any year, we won our usual 200 Emmys.  With categories like best agent for a make-up man, we never miss our quota.  This last year’s Nobel Prizes were a bit unnerving, however. Gentiles won in all the real categories–even medicine. We were about to take credit for one Jewish great-grandmother of physicist Andre Geim. Fortunately, we always have economics as a consolation prize. The winner–and our savior–was Peter A. Diamond. Diamond had the additional distinction of being rejected by Senate Republicans for a position on the Federal Reserve Board.  Apparently, having a Nobel Prize in Economics is not as impressive as having read the Cliffs Notes for “Atlas Shrugged”.

Finally, we end the year 5771  by thanking our cousin Jesus for-once again–not having a Second Coming. If He returned, three-quarters of the world would be proved wrong. But we might take it personally. Even worse, His Believers wouldn’t be too thrilled. The Protestants would be furious that He is a liberal. Furthermore, no one would be very happy that He looks more like Ben Stiller than Jude Law. And guess whom they would blame! We certainly can wait for that.

So, it is another year for Western Civilization’s Longest Running Road Show. Still under original management!

p.s.  Let’s not forget the this week’s historic significance–or at least my inventory of pedantics:

September 25:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/25/what-balboa-really-discovered/

September 27:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/26/happy-anniversary-to-all-our-jesuit-readers-2/

September 30:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/30/a-promising-young-man/

September 17, 2006

Yesterday was the Fifth Anniversary of this website and its pulpit for my pedantics.  I know that you all intended to send me gifts.  For those who did, I won’t mention your names because I will no longer admit knowing you.  Those two raffle tickets for “a steambath with Marcus Bachmann”–you can be sure that I am regifting them to my least favorite in-law.  But I am almost touched by the effort one of you made, coloring a Fruit Loops cereal with a light blue dry mark to disguise it as a gift from Tiffanys.

You’d think after five years I might have run out of history.  Yes, I have nearly exhausted my Byzantine gossip.  But not quite…(You have yet to meet the Empress Zoe.)  And, even to my surprise, I am still learning history.

For instance, I thought that I was quite familiar with that remarkable scoundrel–and possible ancestor–Herod the Great.  He was a masterful tyrant of Judea, extorting and exploiting his subjects but never quite to the point of full-scale rebellion.  And he proved a brilliant contortionist in Roman politics, making himself indispensable first to Cassius, then Marc Antony and then Augustus.  If anyone could be on both sides of a civil war, it was Herod.  The man was such a consummate villain that his notoriety was “borrowed” by the New Testament, adding him to the Nativity for the extra drama.      “The massacre of the innocents” in Bethlehem never occurred; Herod did execute three of his sons but they were adults and well past the innocents phase. 

So, what didn’t I know about this fascinating monster?  His actual name!  I recently was talking with a visiting Israeli and–won’t you be surprised–the topic turned to history.  I was speaking of Herod and the fact that he built the Wailing Wall, which actually was just a support structure for the Temple complex.  However, she was looking at me with bewilderment.  (Yes, I should be used to that.)  But deciphering the historical context, she said, “Do you mean Hordoos?” 

This was a revelation.  Herod was the Greek pronunciation; perhaps he hired a p.r. firm to come up with it.  The Romans, shamelessly plagiarizing the Greeks, repeated the Hellenized Herod and passed on it to us.  But to his miserable subjects, their reigning fiend was Hordoos.  And with its grating and sordid sound, Hordoos really is much more appropriate.

Let’s not forget the historic events of this week:

September 18:  Eugene tells you about Hordoos.

September 19:  Sorry, I owe you one.

September 20:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/09/20/learning-discretion/ or https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/21/how-not-to-die-of-old-age-2/

September 21:  Couldn’t you read the September 20 musings slowly?

September 22:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/22/if-you-thought-the-reign-of-terror-was-excessive/ or https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/09/22/royal-fractions/

September 23:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/09/23/the-repulsive-shall-inherit-the-earth-at-least-one-did/

September 24:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/09/24/cardinal-sins/

Romney faces challenge of winning over evangelicals

The chances for Mitt Romney could be hurt by his Mormon faith.

SpongeBob in hot water from study of 4-year-olds

AP

The cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants is in hot water from a study
suggesting that watching just nine minutes of that program can cause short-term
attention and learning problems in 4-year-olds.

In a series of intelligence tests, viewers of “Sponge Bob” fared consistently worse than 4-year-olds who had just watched three hours of Nova.  PBS viewer Tiffany Smarmley likes String Theory and is fantasizing that her Barbie will marry Neil deGrasse Tyson.  By contrast, SpongeBob fan Dulles Voyde knew that a Portuguese man-of-war was grouchy but saw no corelation to the colonization of Brazil.

Former know-it-all and still precocious Eugene Finerman compared the superior educational offerings of television in his childhood.  “We learned that Hitler was defeated by the Three Stooges, who obviously symbolized Stalin (Moe), Larry (FDR) and Curly (the resemblance to Churchill is too obvious).  However, I am still uncertain whether the pie in the face represented Stalingrad or the invasion of Normandy.”

Mel Gibson Takes on Judah Maccabee

New York Times