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Sermon on the Mountebank

Romney faces challenge of winning over evangelicals

The chances for Mitt Romney could be hurt by his Mormon faith.

Chicago Tribune

Responding to questions and prejudice, Mitt Romney will speak about his Mormon faith.  A focus group is telling him what he believes.

Pollster and candidate trainer Frank Luntz recruited 15 insurance agents from a Rotary Club luncheon to find out what they wanted in a Mormon.

Luntz first questioned the focus group about its impression of Mormons.  The group knew that Mormons had big families and liked to sing, but somehow weren’t Italian.  Luntz then asked the group if it preferred Mr. Romney to be Italian.  Romney offered to curl his hair.

Then came a sort of discussion of the Mormon faith.  Since only Mormons are allowed to know the tenets of their religion, Luntz could only describe what he had read on Wikipedia: specifically that Jesus did not drink coffee.  The focus group considered that UnAmerican.  Mr. Romney volunteered to serve decaf for the Second Coming.

Luntz asked the group what it wanted in a Mormon Jesus.  Everyone agreed that He had to speak English and be an excellent golfer.  He also had to a legal alien.  Romney promised to personally check Jesus’ immigration papers and deport Him if necessary.

Confusing Mormonism with Scientology, several members of the focus group thought that a Mormon Jesus travelled in a space ship.  However, since this was not a majority opinion, Mr. Romney vaguely disagreed.

Finally, Luntz asked the audience what Mr. Romney should say.  The focus group recommended a concession speech.

  1. Hal Gordon says:

    Eugene — Congratulations! You are now the third pundit to successfully explain Mitt Romney in a few words. First, there was Andrew Sullivan: “Romney makes plastic look real.” Then there was Richard Cohen: “Romney is so hollow that if he ever swallowed a genuine moral principle it would rattle.” And now you: “Romney has a focus group to tell him what he believes.” What do you say about a descendant of polygamists whose mantra is, “I believe that marriage is the union of one man and one woman”?

    • Eugene Finerman says:

      When Willard compared Newt Gingrich to Lucille Ball, I thought that I would rather be Lucy than Eddie Haskell. What a pity that Newt couldn’t think of that.

      And in fairness to Lucille Ball, Newt is much more like Eric Cartman.


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