Posted in General on January 2nd, 2012 by Eugene Finerman – 1 Comment
Episcopalians have new US home in Catholic church
AP
Pope Benedict XVI named a married former Episcopal bishop Sunday to head the
first U.S. organizational structure for disaffected Anglicans and Episcopalians
who want to join the Roman Catholic Church.
The Pope has offered the following concessions to the Episcopalians.
1. In depictions of the Last Supper, the table will have place cards.
2. Edith Wharton is an acceptable substitute for the Virgin. So is Henry James.
3. In deference to Episcopalians’ politics, the Beatitudes may begin “I suppose”.
According to the most charitable calculation, our A.D. chronology is off by at least four years. The mistake dates back to the early sixth century. Until then, even the Church was using the pagan calendar. That chronology was based on the legendary founding of Rome; as a cross-reference, it also cited whichever sycophant or relative of the emperor was serving as a Roman consul. For example, if you check the Vatican archives, the notarized date for the Nicene Creed should read “in the 1,078th year of Rome and the term of Sextus Anicus Paulinus.” (Who? Exactly. The Emperor wouldn’t have trusted him, otherwise.)
Western Civilization obviously needed a shorter and less pagan date. In the 1278th year of Rome (alias A.D. 525), the Church finally converted its calendar. The new chronology, based upon the birth of Jesus, was calculated by a Byzantine monk named Dionysius Exiguus. Dionysius is not the most trustworthy name for a mathematician or a monk. In fairness, however, the poor guy was working with Roman numerals. (MCCLXXVII minus DXXV =…) It is amazing that his chronology was wrong by only four years.
He reckoned that Jesus was born in the 753rd year of Rome; that year was christened Anno Domini I. Unfortunately Dionysius had not bothered to check his answer with the New Testament or any of the Roman histories available at the local Byzantine library. The Bible is quite specific that Jesus was born during the reign of Herod the Great, Rome’s designated thug of Judea. But Herod died in the 750th year of Rome, four years before Dionysius’ timetable would have permitted it. So by A.D. 1 Jesus was hardly an infant; he may have been halfway to His Bar Mitzvah. The Church apparently caught the error, because Dionysius was not made a saint. Yet, it never corrected that mistake. The Church seems to be quite ecumenical about arithmetic.
Ironically, the Reformation never publicized the mistake, either. Consider how the Protestants initially rejected the Gregorian Calendar, preferring the less accurate but un-Catholic Julian calendar. They could have taunted the Church, “We may be 11 days off but you Papists are wrong by four years.” Yet, the followers of Martin Luther, Jean Calvin and John Knox were surprisingly silent. You would expect them to wish you a dour but mathematically precise New Year.
No, all of Christendom went along with the cover-up. The secret was confined to faculty lounges. Then Johannes Kepler broke the silence. In 1613-14 the mathematician published his exposé De Vero Anno quo Aeternus Dei Filius Humanam Naturam in Utero Benedictae Virginis Mariae Assumpsit. Of course, the only people who even understood the title were college professors and Jesuits, and it was no secret to them. His book was not worth burning, even in Spain. Kepler would have to become famous for astronomy.
Since then, historians mention the chronological error as a point of pedantic pride. They are indisputably right and best ignored. In this case, the truth would be messy. The four-year discrepancy is rooted in our world. If Anno Domini is not a standard of history, it is a matter of faith for many, and a matter of convenience for all.
Posted in General on December 28th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 5 Comments
1st US museum dedicated to Greek culture opens:
December 28, 2011 (CHICAGO) — There is still plenty to see: shelves filled with items from a Greek family in New York, a wall of black and white pictures that chronicles the story of Greek immigrants in America and an area to learn the Greek alphabet. Visitors can watch a short introductory video narrated by, who else, George Stephanopoulos.
Museum curator Bethany Fleming hopes to travel to Greece and make casts of columns, gates and parts of temples to bring back to Chicago.
Downstairs the temporary exhibit space is home to “Gods, Myths and Mortals: Discover Ancient Greece,” an exhibit on loan from the Children’s Museum of Manhattan until August. It’s a child’s view of the daily life of ancient Greece and its legends and heroes, like Aristotle, Odysseus and Cyclops.
There’s a kid-sized recreated Greek temple, and children can dress up in togas in front of a mirror or crawl into a jungle-gym Trojan horse. Interspersed are nearly three dozen Greek artifacts, including coins, pottery and figurines. One Macedonian drachma coin dates to 336-323 B.C. and is about the size of a dime.
“So much of our world is inspired by the ancient.”
From Aristotle to Nick’s’ Coffee Shop—and nothing in between? The Hellenic museum doesn’t seem enamoured with its medieval heritage. The Byzantines, however annoying, were also significant and certainly deserve their own exhibition. We can call it “Dogma, Bureaucracy and Arrogance: The Unbearable Genius of Byzantium.”
Children can experience the fun of being a medieval Greek. We can have contests to see who can come up with the most convoluted definition of the Trinity. (There is never a right answer, at least for more than 30 minutes.) The little Byzantines can then use their rhetorical guile to avoid being beaten up by bigger German and Slavic kids. Being the brightest kid in the class–in fact, the only literate one–be sure to help the biggest Slavic kid with his homework. You will make a lasting friend, one who will be nursing your grudges when you are long gone.
However, as a little Byzantine, you don’t have to nice to the Italian kids. Slap them around, take their lunch money, threaten to break their crayons, and dare them to start their own church. Be sure to bully the Egyptians and Syrians, too; it is not as if they would defect the empire and convert to another religion.
To avoid lawsuits from the Art Institute, we won’t teach the children about Iconoclasm. Nonetheless, our exhibit will give visitors an appreciation of our Byzantine legacies–religious schism, the Middle East and the Cold War. Our world may be the heir of Athens, but it is also the repercussion of Constantinople.
Posted in General on December 24th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 1 Comment
Mel Gibson Loses $425 Million After Divorce Is Finalized
eonline
Sat Dec 24
EST
Mel Gibson ‘s ex-wife Robyn is getting for Christmas half of his net worth of $850 million. That’s the estimated take in a divorce settlement finalized today.
He and his wife of 28 years (and seven children) had no prenuptial agreement.
Robyn filed for divorced in April 2009 citing irreconcilable differences. Gibson split with Robyn after announcing he was having a baby with Oksana Grigorieva.
Robyn Gibson’s attorney is Laura Wasser.
But how should Robyn Gibson spend that money? She might want to endow the Laura Wasser School of Talmudic Law at Brandeis, although Laura Wasser can now afford to do that, too.
And just imagine how many trees Mrs. Gibson can plant in Israel? The foliage could be the designated the Meshugge Schmuck National Forest.
At least we know what she will be giving out for Christmas this year: Tiffany Mezuzahs for everyone! Every Nativity Scene should have one.
Posted in General on December 23rd, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 3 Comments
New Focus on Incendiary Words in Paul’s Newsletters
Representative Ron Paul of Texas is receiving new focus for decades-old unbylined columns in his political newsletters that included racist, anti-gay and anti-Israel passages that he has since disavowed.
An indignant Ron Paul responded to the accusations.
“I am not Anti-Negro. I would be proud to own Clarence Thomas. Herman Cain, too, if I had him fixed.
I am not Anti-Jew. I don’t believe that Ayn Rand and Fredrich Hayek intentionally killed Jesus. And even if they had, the pushy, little kike probably was asking for it.
I am not Anti-Pervert. In fact, I wish more Negroes and Hebes were that way.”
Obama’s Coded Moslem Christmas Creche
Fox News reports that the White House Nativity scene depicts three Iranian lobbyists attempting to bribe the infant Jesus. House Republicans are now demanding the President’s impeachment.
Posted in General on December 20th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments
Kim Jong-il Dead
At such times, I miss Larry King…
Welcome to Larry King Live. My guests tonight are former secretary of state and not bad golfer Colin Powell, former secretary of state and still a looker Madeleine Albright, and classy historian but regular mensch David McCullough. Our topic tonight: What is the impact of the death of Kim Novak, and how did a beautiful Chicago Polish girl become dictator of North Korea? Of course, I am not surprised that she had the atomic bomb. Did you see the way she danced with William Holden in “Picnic”?
Powell: “Picnic” was a very good movie, but I think that there is some confusion here.
Larry: You weren’t suppose to look at white women that way?
McCullough: Kim Novak is still alive. It is Kim Jong-Il who is dead.
Larry: So will Alec Baldwin get custody of their child? Let’s call Alan Dershowitz to find out. Hello eminent professor and killer lawyer, have you been watching the show?
Dershowitz: God help me, yes. Alec Baldwin was married to Kim Basinger. He has never been married to Kim Novak, Kim Stanley, Kim Hunter, Kim Darby, Akim Tamiroff or Kim Jong-il.
Larry: You know Akim Tamiroff looked sorta Jewish, but I think that he was Armenian. Madeleine, do you ever confuse the two?
Albright: No, I try to mistake myself for Episcopalian. But weren’t we suppose to discuss Korea?
Larry: Absolutely, and after this break, Paula Deen will join our conversation on the death of Kimchee.
Posted in General on December 18th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 10 Comments
So what are my symptoms? I am eating oatmeal, trying to ferment peat, imagining myself in a tartan and thinking of dyeing my leg hair red. Yes, I definitely have Scotsophrenia. But the most obvious and obnoxious manifestation is my singing. While I do have a good voice, how many times would you want to hear me sing “Wha Wadna Fecht for Charlie?” Please stand in line with your restraining orders.
But there is a method to my monotony. In the 18th century, songs served as news, editorials and opinion polls. Yes, even my singing is pedantic. My Highland medley is a musical history of the Jacobite Rebellion–from its early, exuberant triumphs to its mouldering, embarrassing nostalgia.
In 1745, Prince Charles Stuart landed in Scotland to reclaim the British throne for his ousted dynasty. “Wha Wadna Fecht for Charlie” reflects the Highlanders’ enthusiasm for the Young Pretender.
Wha wadna’ fecht for Charlie?
Wha wadna’ draw the sword?
Wha wad nae up an’ rally
At the royal Prince’s word?
Ironically, the Bonnie Prince could not have mastered the lyrics himself. With his French accent, his version would have been “Oo oodno feet fo Charlee. However, his opponent George II was just as unintelligible, having a German accent. The War was not a contest of grammar. But the rival songs of the rebellion would indicate the war’s outcome. The English were marching to “The British Grenadiers”, a good tune in itself and an indication of an ample supply of gun powder. The Scots were massacred and the Bonnie Prince wandered the Highlands disguised as a woman before finally escaping to France.
So the next song in my Highland medley is a dirge. The English were not gracious winners. Their hangmen were fully employed; as for the resulting widows and orphans, they found themselves indentured servants in North America. The Crown attempted to eradicate the Highland culture. Bagpipes were outlawed, and even the spelling of “Wha Wadna Fecht” would have gotten you six months in prison. However, the Scots did not blame the Prince who had led them to disaster; on the contrary, they were hoping for his return.
Will ye no come back again?
Luckily for the Scots, their incompetent Prince preferred to drink himself to death. He left no legitimate children and his only sibling was a Catholic cardinal. So there would be no Stuart heirs for the Jacobite cause. The Bonnie Prince died in 1788, but a Jacobite resistance continued–even if it amounted only to pointless mayhem. In 1792, an exasperated Robert Burns told his fellow Scots to grow up and get over it.
Ye Jacobites by name, give an ear, give an ear;
Ye Jacobites by name, give an ear;
Ye Jacobites by name,
Your fautes I will proclaim,
Your doctrines I maun blame–
You shall hear.
Was Burns a traitor to Scotland? No, he was an exhausted realist, pleading an end to the futility. His song fittingly ends this history and my Jacobite Bandstand.
My Scotsophrenia, however, continues. I tried convincing my Hebrew adult education class that Maccabee was a Scottish name.
Posted in General on December 16th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 1 Comment
Imagine if The Three Stooges had been attractive women. Just substitute Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and Wynona Ryder for Moe, Larry and Curly and you have the slapstick riot “The Black Swan.” True, the cream pies were omitted but the eye pokes are even more effective when using broken glass and nail files. I initially was a bit squeamish at director Darren Aronofsky’s ghoulish fantasies–Portman’s character can’t clip a nail without losing a quart of blood–but I eventually saw the humor in this Hadassah macabre. (Barbara Hershey evidently had her plastic surgery done by Josef Mengele.) During the last half hour I was laughing at the alleged drama. Judd Apatow would have been jealous.
In fact, Apatow and Aronofsky should star as the psychotic halves of “the Jewish man”. Apatow envisions a world where there are no Jewish women, only gorgeous, lovable shiksas and they all want Seth Rogen. Aronofsky’s world has only beautiful Jewish women, but they are all demented and evil. (Do you think that he had a friendly parting with Rachel Weisz?) Imagine his casting of “The Dick Van Dyke Show”: Joan Collins as Millie Helper–and she is out to destroy Rob and Laura, and turn Richie into matzoh.
So, what would we call this golem of Apatow and Aronofsky, only with more wit and depth? How about a young Woody Allen?
Posted in General on December 14th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments
State of the Union address scheduled for Jan. 24
AP
President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address is set for Jan. 24.
As tradition requires, House Speaker John Boehner invited the president to
speak to a joint session of Congress. The White House accepted.
In a letter to the president, Boehner said Republicans “welcome the
opportunity to hear your new ideas for working with Congress.”
Speaker Boehner offered a choice of two times: 3 a.m., when he could promise uninterrupted electricity for the microphone and the lights, or 9 p.m.–with a few conditions. The 9 p.m. broadcast must have a split-screen simultaneous televising of the Republican response: Eric Cantor playing selections from “Oklahoma” on his accordion.
Most of the major networks have not yet agreed to televise the President’s address. ABC has offered to let him have a three minute guest appearance on “Body of Evidence” where he can discuss the state of the union with Dana Delany during an autopsy. PBS will cover the broadcast if the President mentions the free copy of “Pride and Prejudice” for any subscription renewal. MSNBC would prefer that Rachel Maddow delivers the speech. Comedy Central will let “The Daily Show” have five minutes to salvage the adminstration.
As its educational alternative, Fox News will feature Megyn Kelly, Martha MacCallum, Gretchen Carlson and Dano Perino in “William Bennett’s Strip Poker Symposium.”
In an effort to broaden his appeal to Republican voters, Mitt Romney announced that he was marrying Betsy Ross, Snooki Polizzi, Ann Coulter, Ayn Rand and Nancy Reagan. Only Ms. Coulter has actually accepted. Neither Ms. Ross nor Ms. Rand were available for comment, but Mr. Romney insisted that they had agreed. Ms. Polizzi seems reluctant unless there is an open bar at the Mormon Tabernacle; however, in deference to Mormon beliefs, Snooki would only be allowed to swig from a paperbag during the service. Nancy Reagan refused the Romney proposal, but Mr. Romney assured voters that she would marry him in the next world.
And let’s not forget the historic significance of this week:
