Dead for 32,000 Years, an Arctic Plant Is Revived

New York Times

Living plants have been generated from the fruit of a little arctic flower, the narrow-leafed campion, that died 32,000 years ago, a team of Russian scientists reports. The fruit was stored by an arctic ground squirrel in its burrow on the tundra of northeastern Siberia and lay permanently frozen until excavated by scientists a few years ago.

The scientists will next try this on Mitt Romney, but they are less hopeful.

Rick Santorum: Prenatal testing encourages abortions

Politico

Santorum Demonstrates the Value of Home Schooling

“The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical,” former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) told a South Carolina audience. “And that is what the perception is by the American left who hates Christendom.”

Referring to the “American left,” Santorum observed: “They hate Western civilization at the core. That’s the problem.” Santorum also suggested that American involvement in the Middle East is part of our “core American values.”

Jerusalem, 1099:  While the European crusaders were slaughtering the city’s Moslems, Jews and Greek Orthodox, the American crusaders were distributing Hershey bars.  The chroniclers noted the severed hands clutching the candy and found melted chocolate among the ashes of synagogues and mosques.  But with his winning All-American smile Sir Kilroy gushed, “That Hershey bar makes a great last meal.”

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2011/02/21/brilliant-plans-1916/

Charlie Chaplin’s real name a mystery says UK spies

Reuters

The real name and birthplace of legendary silent-film star Charlie Chaplin is shrouded in mystery, Britain’s domestic spy agency concluded after a probe into U.S. claims he was a communist sympathizer, documents released on Friday revealed.

British MI5 agents were asked in 1952 to investigate Chaplin’s background by the FBI, which believed he was using an alias and that his real name was Israel Thornstein, over long-running U.S. suspicions about the actor’s left-wing leanings.

Chaplin, one of Hollywood’s first and greatest stars famed for his “Little Tramp” character, believed he was born on April 16, 1889, in south London.

And here was the response from MI5…

Dear Mr. Hoover,

While we share your bewilderment with heterosexuality, we do not always find it subversive.  And it does apparently predate Communism.  But as for your other suspicion, Mr. Chaplin is small, dark and talented.  Indeed, his somewhat recent wife Paulette Goddard is actually Marion Levy.  But she was his third.  If I correctly remember “Oliver Twist”, only the first wife is expected to be Jewish.  So that would preclude Mr. Chaplin from being Mr. Caplan.

But while we are delving into international conspiracies, we would like you to verify our suspicions of the following radicals:  Sam and Jake Abrams, Benjamin Frankel, Gershon Vashinstein, Al “Chaim” Milton and Tevye Cheffershein.

Yours (at discreet bars),

Guy Burgess–not Bergess

Pekingese Malachy Wins Best in Show at Westminster Dog Pageant

Malachy explained–in perfect English–that his celebrity status would have no real effect on his life.  “I will continue the 80-hour-a-week job for Apple while using my free time to earn a PhD from M.I.T.  But I wouldn’t refuse an invitation for Celebrity Jeopardy.”

The champion explained his fluency in four languages.  “Of course, I was born speaking Mandarin.  I subscribe to the New York Times, Le Monde and Asahi Shimbun, and I read each thoroughly before I go on them.”

Family Values Book Project 

(This is an actual ad for writers.)

We have begun working with a politically oriented first-time author who is looking for help telling her unique, only-in-America story.

The client is a black, Orthodox Jewish, single mother who grew up in the Midwest, now splits her time between her home state and New York City, and serves on the Republican National Committee.

Now the client is interested in writing a book that gives a fuller account of her experiences and uses them as a jumping-off point to address a mix of weighty cultural, moral, and racial issues.

The client is seeking a collaborator to first hone a proposal (we are working on lining up an agent for the project) and then develop the full manuscript.

She would prefer to work with someone who shares and can effectively channel her views on the value of faith and family.

I don’t watch “Downton Abbey.”  Yes, I suppose that I am betraying my stereotype:  the history-infatuated, vicariously-social climbing Anglophile.  But bear in mind that I am also monogamous.  Nearly forty years ago, the young Eugene gave his heart and some 50 hours of his Sunday nights to “Upstairs, Downstairs” which basically is the same story of “Downton Abbey”:  a rich portrait of the classes and characters of a household that was a microcosm of early 20th century Britain.  The servants were often worse snobs than the aristocrats.  In the first season, the housemaid Rose bossed around some old gentleman who got in her way.  Fortunately, Edward VII was very good-natured.  This is not suggest that the “Upstairs” class was consistently warm and lovable.  When Lady Majorie died on the Titanic, I was surprised; encountering her, the iceberg should have succumbed to frostbite.  Her son James was a fatuous, callous rake.  One of the tragedies of the Great War was his surviving it.  (Corporal Hitler missed his chance at a good deed.)  Alastair Cooke, the host of Masterpiece Theatre, opined that Captain James might have justified a Bolshevik coup.  Alas, the closest thing to social justice was a blackmailing chauffeur, a charming rogue named Thomas.  Yes, four decades later, I have yet to forgive or forget.

So, what can “Downton Abbey” offer me?  First love only happens once.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/02/09/turkey-in-distraught-2/

Cracking the Code in ‘Heeere’s Johnny!’

New York Times

February 1, 1328:  Charles IV Ends the Family Curse…

His death was the end of the Capetian dynasty and the likely start of a Dan Brown novel.  (The family was said to be cursed by the Grandmaster of the Templars–while he was being burned alive; the man was entitled to be vindictive.)  Charles was the last of three brothers, whose reigns were a total of 13 years.  Between the three–Louis X, Philip V and the aforementioned Charles–they had been married six times.  Yet, they left no living sons.  There were five healthy daughters but they didn’t count–at least in the royal succession.  That was the result of a law in 1316 and a scandal two years earlier.

At the time, Louis had yet to become the Tenth; but he was already known as “The Quarrelsome.”  His wife Margaret obviously was unhappy but not exactly resigned.  There was a good looking Norman lord at court, and a convenient rendez-vous at the Tour de Nesle.  The Paris palais may have been discreet but Margaret wasn’t.  She told her sister-in-law Blanche, the bored wife of Charles, about the therapeutic locale and also recommended a Norman boy toy.  It is possible that the third sister-in-law Jeanne knew about the activities.  If so, she shared the dirty joke without becoming one.  Since I am telling you (and I am not a Norman stud), the secret evidently got out.  The informant was Isabelle, the sister of the cuckolded brothers.  She was married to the King of England, but she was the lesser queen of the two.  Now, if she had to endure a marital travesty, she was not going to let her sisters-in-law enjoy themselves.  Isabelle informed her father, King Philip IV, of the scandal.

The two Norman lovers were arrested, tortured into confessions and then publicly vivisected.  Margaret, Blanche and Jeanne were all accused of adultery; but since adultery requires at least two people, Jeanne had to be acquitted.  Margaret and Blanche did not have that defense.  They were condemned to life in convents.  The scandal as well as 14th century medicine probably hastened the death of King Philip.  Louis the Quarrelsome became king and he was impatient for an annulment.  By a remarkable coincidence, Margaret died the next year.  Louis was probably more surprised when he died in 1316.  The diagnosis was that the 27 year-old caught pleurisy playing tennis, although some sources think that Duchess Jeanne had served wine after the game.  But Jeanne was not Queen yet.  Louis’ new wife and newer widow was pregnant, and she did give birth to a son.  The infant king lived for only five days.  Some sources think that Duchess Jeanne handled the christening robes.

But Jeanne’s husband was still not the certain successor.  Louis ostensibly and his first wife definitely had a daughter.  The four-year had a better claim to the throne–if she was the daughter of Louis.  Her mother was guilty of adultery in 1314, but there was no evidence of any indiscretion two years prior to that.  Since the child was inconveniently legitimate, the only way to disinherit her was to change the law.  Although it was the 14th century, the aspiring Philip V decided that fifth century German law was the correct arbiter of royal succession.  And according to that law, the royal succession was limited to men and only through male descent.  So the princess could grow up and have sons (she did), but they still would be ineligible for the French throne.

Philip was now the rightful king, but with appropriate irony he and Jeanne had only daughters.  So his successor was brother Charles.  He understandably had his first marriage annulled, then married two more times and had a daughter to survive him.  The throne passed to his first cousin, the direct and purely testosterone-linked grandson of Philip III.  But there was still one male descendant of Philip IV, albeit through a daughter.  Edward III of England was the son of Isabelle, the termagent who tattled on her sisters-in-law, and he claimed the throne of France.  He and his descendants would spend the next hundred years in a brutal form of probate.

The French crown never bothered to change its convoluted succession.  Daughters and nieces were disqualified, as were their sons.  In 1589, when Henry III died without an heir, his cousin Henry de Bourbon rightfully claimed the throne because of his uninterrupted male descent from Louis IX, who died in 1270.  But after all that effort to disinherit the daughter of Louis X…Henry IV was also directly descended from her.

Romney campaign touts his tax return transparency

AP

Romney released two large sets of documents Tuesday on his campaign website.
The 2010 federal return shows that he paid about $3 million on nearly $22
million in income. The 2011 return indicates he will pay $3.2 million on nearly
$21 million income. Much of Romney’s earnings came from investments made by his
blind trust and associated with his long career as a private equity manager.

From a reading of the finally released documents, Romney seems heavily invested in Wite-Out.  According to his 2010 taxes, Romney’s $21 million income was derived from his newspaper route, getting the deposits on soda bottles and the Viking gold found in his backyard.   His 2011 taxes report the same.

His rival Newt Gingrich accused Romney of being an accessory to “Viking secular-humanist crimes” and demanded that the gold be returned to the looted Irish monasteries.  Immediately amending the tax forms and press releases, the Romney campaign then insisted the regularly found treasure was Carthaginian gold and “we refuse to return it to suspected Arab terrorists.”

Mr. Gingrich’s 2010 income was $3 million, one seventh of Romney’s total.  Gingrich explained, “My chief income is the immense satisfaction of inspiring anyone who knows me.  So what if Mitt made $21 million?  I would have won twice that much on Jeopardy, but they won’t let me on the show because the liberal media doesn’t want the public to appreciate my brilliance.”

If you sensed a cosmic disturbance and had nightmares of Adam Sandler and Joan Rivers in “Brigadoon”, let me explain the cause.  Last night, in a gesture of ecumenicalism and anthropological curiosity, my synagogue had a “pulpit exchange” with a Presbyterian church.  We welcomed our guests with tartan yarmulkes.  Their minister’s sermon spoke of the common bond between Scots and Jews, specifically comparing Robert Burns and George Burns.  (They were born the same year; it says so in Wikipedia.)  I will add that the Mourners’ Kaddish did sound better with bagpipes.  We should consider using them instead of shofars.

After the service, my temple hosted a reception catering to our guests’ classic cuisine:  oatmeal and Scotch.  You know, the oatmeal does taste better with the Scotch.  After my fourth bowl, I performed a one-man reenactment of the battle of Culloden.  Of course, the historical accuracy was impeccable, but I may have overstepped propriety by using the Torah as a claymore sword.  In fairness, however, we are a Reform congregation and this was the most use of the Torah since October.

This Sunday, our rabbi will speak at their church and no doubt compare the patterns on their kilts and our sports jackets.

Wikipedia protests US antipiracy proposals

AP

NEW YORK — January 18 is a date that will live in ignorance, as Wikipedia started a 24-hour blackout of its English-language articles, joining other sites in protesting pending U.S. legislation aimed at shutting down sites that share pirated movies and other content.

In desperation, American students will be forced to open textbooks.  Over the next 24 hours, our nation’s healthcare system will collapse as hospital emergency rooms will be confronted with millions of cases of papercuts and hernias.

To alleviate this crisis, I am offering to substitute for Wikipedia and provide our students with the same calibre of scholarship.

For example, Cannes is the capital of Kansas which actually is the abbreviation for Kazakhstan, which was named for the famous Cossack Stanley.

Abraham Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address as the opening act for a Rolling Stones concert.  Incidentally, it was at this concert that Queen Victoria met her future husband Charles Dickens.

Each of our months was named for one of the twelve children of Julia and Gregory Calendar, who owned a stationery store in ancient Greece.  They introduced the yearly chronology to supplement their income after the drop in business for commemorative wedding coffee mugs for Oedipus and Jocasta.

The director’s cut of “The Lord of the Rings:  the Return of the King” lasts 47 hours; the DVD includes all the menus of the cast’s lunches–forty-seven recipes for mutton.  (Wait, that is actually true!)

p.s.  Let’s not forget the patron saint of Wikipedia:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/04/05/the-patron-saint-of-wikipedia/

Did anyone miss me?  If you are feeling neglected, blame Tsar Nicholas II, the Mikado Meiji and the editor who wanted me to write about the Russo-Japanese War.  But even that war had its share of irony, and I would never begrudge you the gossip….

If the Russo-Japanese War had merely been a popularity contest, Japan still would have won.  The newspapers of Britain and America depicted the conflict in terms of David and Goliath.  It was earnest, energetic Japan against big, brutal Russia, and the stereotypes were actually correct.  So what if the Japanese had started the war–or that the fight was over the possession of a prostrate Korea?  If we had to pick a favorite vulture, it was definitely Japan.  (Of course, no one asked the Koreans.)

The war began in February, 1904 with Japan’s surprise attack on the Russian naval base at Port Arthur.  (Yes, the Japanese thought that the tactic would work a second time,  too.)  The Russians may have been surprised, but no one else was. In the preceding two months, American reporters were sent to Japan to cover the impending war.  Apparently, no one in Russia read the Hearst newspapers, but when William Randolph demanded a war, the Mikado wouldn’t have dared refuse.  However, the influx of American reporters caused a problem for the Japanese.  A free press, even an ostensibly pro-Japanese one,  could report casualties and setbacks.  So the Japanese attempted to confine the American journalists to hotel bars and press releases.  (That tactic has also been repeated.)  A few reporters managed to evade their handlers and get to the front.  Of course, the Japanese army was unhappy with the uncontrolled press.  No doubt a few officers were prepared to arrange accidents–but really–many American journalists would have had fatal shaving accidents with samurai swords?  The Japanese thought of a more adroit way to suppress the coverage.  Cameras would be arrested for criminal activity.  Reporters could write unfettered reports, but there would be no photographs for evidence—other than what the Japanese approved.

Russia’s humiliating defeat could be attributed to the imbecilic Tsar, his incompetent generals or his hapless admirals.  But the Russia’s official scapegoat was the Jews.  This seems surprising since very few of those generals and admirals were Jewish.  However, it could have been an honest mistake.  Mikado does sound vaguely Hebrew, one could easily confuse Rashomon with Rosh ha Shonah, and weren’t the Japanese always talking about their Sam and Murray Code?