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On this day in 1170, initial reports indicated that Thomas Becket had been murdered in Canterbury Cathedral by four Norman barons acting on the orders of King Henry II. Henry refused to comment, pending the investigation which would begin as soon as a panel of six literates could be found in 12th century England. The panel, chaired by Eleanor of Aquitaine, ruled that Becket’s death was an accident.

Becket apparently had been shaving himself with four swords when his hand must have slipped…repeatedly.

On “Larry King Live” last night a panel of experts tried to explain to Larry the difference between Pakistani, Indians, Native Americans and Armenians. By the end of the hour, it was established that Mike Conners is actually Armenian and that it would be unhealthy for Esther Williams to go swimming in the Ganges.

And while journalists speculated that Benazir Bhutto was pregnant with Kevin Federline’s child, the presidential candidates offered their insights on the death of the Pakistani leader and the ensuing political crisis.

Rudy Guiliani: If I had been President, she’d still be alive.

Barak Obama: Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Fred Thompson: This is a British problem. It’s their empire. I’m sure Errol Flynn can handle it.

Hillary Clinton: Fox News taught me how to duck.

Willard Romney: I remember my father marching with Gandhi. And I have photos to prove it this time. What do mean that’s Lord Mountbatten?

John Edwards: I am more concerned about that poor, underpaid carpenter who made her coffin. The neglected undertaker’s assistant who is sweeping out the funeral home. I want to be their President, too.

Mike Huckabee: Who was she?

NBC extended the life of Benazir Bhutto by one hour this morning. While the other channels were reporting the Pakistani leader’s assassination, the Today Show did not want to disrupt its holiday theme. ABC’s Good Morning America could delay an interview with a veterinarian and his pet pug to report on Bhutto’s murder and its calamitous implications. BUT NBC’s audience saw Ann Curry’s interview with an “inspirational” basketball coach, followed by her visit with a chef and then a profound discussion with Willard Scott about “being home for the holidays.”

Really, the Today Show could have shown a little journalistic responsibility, and tried integrating the news into the show. For instance, Willard Scott could have announced, “And guess who now won’t be 100 years young!” Perhaps Ann Curry could have asked the guest chef, “Do you know any Moslem funeral dishes?”

Finally, at 9 a.m. Central Time, NBC decided that Benazir Bhutto’s current health was worth mentioning. Her death was one of three reported stories, the other two being a tiger attack in San Francisco and “a miracle rescue” of an 12 year-old American girl in Panama.

NBC should change its logo from a peacock to a dodo.

On this day in 1776, George Washington proved himself to be an immoral secular humanist by ruining a British Christmas party. While the Hessian garrison in Trenton, New Jersey was celebrating the birth of Jesus by compressing the 12 days of Christmas into one hangover, the irreverent Continental army crossed the Delaware River and attacked. We all know the painting of that Freemason Washington standing in a boat as his men rowed to battle. Of course, truly devout Americans would have walked upon the water.

Yes, the Americans won that day, but the Continental Congress should have disavowed such godless cheating. Why wasn’t George Washington court-martialed for his impiety? In fact, as an apology to Jesus, we should have called the Revolution off.

VIRGIN BIRTH: FLUKE OR NEW TREND

Is the Halo Worth the Stretch Marks?

NAZARETH ”What’s a girl to do? You want to settle down and have a family. But all the really “hunk” lawyers, Pharisees and commodity traders are in Jerusalem, and you’re stuck in Nazareth. Do you have to settle for some kindly but dull Joe?

Not according to Miriam. She believes that virgin birth is an appealing alternative to the singles scene. “This way you’ll really know if you met Mr. Right,” insisted Miriam.

Of course, not everyone likes the immaculate concept. “It’s not that easy, even if you are,” disputed Miriam’s own sister Marla. “You still have to be cute. God won’t want a dog in a manger.”

December XXV, Annum I

U.F.O. SIGHTED OVER BETHLEHEM

Emperor Stresses Need for Star Wars Program

Three Eastern Bloc Scientists Arrested

ROME ”While school children were being instructed in the use of catacombs as fallout shelters, the panicked Senate investigated reports of a technological breakthrough in Parthian air power. The sightings of U.F.O.s over Judea prompted the Emperor Gustus to call for the development of bigger catapults.

At a mosaics opportunity for his head start program for gladiator schools, the Emperor responded to the reporters’ questions by blaming the previous administration of Marc Antony. It was wasting money on aqueducts and roads when we should have been working on the Satyr catheter. A palace spokesman later insisted that the Emperor said Saturn catapult.

The spokesman refused to confirm reports of the detention of three Parthian magi. Reliable sources on the Senate Intelligence Committee indicated that the three were terrorists posing as a scientific mission.

There remains some doubt as to whether the Parthians actually have achieved air superiority. According to some shepherds in fields as they lay, the aircraft resembled a new star and a host of angels. That bucolic perspective was dismissed by defense analyst Pyrrhus Victorius. “Very few of those shepherds studied aerodynamics at Alexandria or Athens.”

For those of you who care: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Yes, I do observe Christmas–if only as a safety precaution. Look, the Cossacks want to celebrate with us…or on us.

Some of you may be curious as to why my ancestors turned down Christianity when it was an IPO. To be honest, it was a question of marketing. We really didn’t need a “new and improved monotheism” when we still were under the original warranty. Furthermore, Jesus was not really addressing our major problem. It was charming that He could cure lepers but what was He doing about the Romans? The Judeans wanted an exterminator, not a carpenter.

Finally and unforgivably, there was that problem with catering. What is the point of fish and loaves without cream cheese? If you going to perform a miracle, do it right!

Nonetheless, Merry Christmas.

Eugene

BOSTON – Mitt Romney, who earlier this year had to backpedal on his hunting exploits, is explaining himself again after claiming he witnessed his father in civil rights marches he could not have seen.

“It’s a figure of speech,” Romney said Thursday after media inquiries into the Republican presidential contender’s statement

Plowrut, Iowa: Speaking before the local VFW, Willard Romney recalled seeing the Japanese surrender to his father. “In fact, the Emperor personally offered me his throne, but Dad felt that I should finish college first.”

Witchburn, New Hampshire: Addressing a junior high school history class, Willard Romney proudly remembered seeing his father build the Erie Canal. “Dad was tireless despite having a hand cramp from writing the Declaration of Independence.”

Pleasant Haven, Massachusetts: Telling everyone on the nursing home staff, Willard Romney bragged how his father wrote the Magna Carta. “And it was my idea to add ‘Under God’ to each paragraph.”

Christmas has not succumbed to marketing. It was conceived in marketing. The very date–December 25th–was the choice of a fourth century focus group. No one knows the actual date of Jesus’ birth; in fact, we can only estimate the year–sometime between 4 B.C. and 8 B.C.

By the early second century, in between persecutions, Christian scholars flaunted their erudition by mathematically and theologically calculating the specific date of Jesus’ birth. Some of them concluded that Jesus was born in January, April, May or June. There was a general consensus that he died in March or April; the Gospels did provide some basis for that deduction. Based on this assumption, some over-educated Greek Christians felt that there should be a mathematic formulaic congruity in Jesus’ life; in their calculations, if Jesus died in March or April he must have been born in December or January. (I can’t follow that logic; it’s a Greek thing.)

The idea of a December birth may have been intellectually absurd, yet it was very practical. Late December was a traditional time of celebration in the ancient world. Pagans celebrated the Winter Solstice and the Saturnalia; December 25th was honored as the Day of the Invincible Sun. Until the early fourth century, the Church was subject to periodic persecution. The faithful could mask their celebration of Jesus’ birth amidst the pagan antics. Furthermore, the Christian minority would have the psychological crutch of having its own holiday, the same solace that Jews now find in Hannukah.

That Christian sense of inferiority ended with the conversion of the Emperor Constantine (A.D. 306-337) and his decided favoritism. Christianity was the new state religion. Yet, the majority of the Empire’s population–75 percent–was pagan. That was a lot of people to convert. Constantine’s coercion made a certain impact but the Church also relied on its gift for marketing. The celebration of Christmas on December 25th helped win the more extroverted pagans who were fond of their Winter Solstice parties. “Hey, who said that Christianity isn’t fun! You can have eternal salvation and a birthday party for the Savior.”

And since then, the official policy has been to celebrate December 25th as Jesus’ birthday.

Vladimir Putin is feeling sentimental today. It is the 91st anniversary of the founding of the Cheka, the first Soviet secret police. In honor of this special day, 91 journalists will be assassinated. (To make that quota, the corpse pile will have to include four movie critics and seven cooking columnists; Russia is running out of journalists.)

We tend to think of Lenin as a misunderstood old dear, just a badly tailored Edmund Gwenn. Of course, that is only because we are comparing him to Stalin. In fact, Lenin wasn’t that old, a mere 47 at the time of the November Revolution. (Now, don’t you feel like an under-achiever.) Nor was he remotely lovable. Although he was not a Stalinoid monster, Lenin was a certifiable creep. He was an obsessed, remorseless tyrant who actually read calculus books for fun. Would you be any less dead if Lenin shot you for the sake of dialectic materialism than if Stalin shot you because it was his hobby?

So, it was not surprising that Lenin would establish a secret police just six weeks after the November Revolution. (So much for the honeymoon.) The first head of the Cheka was Felix Dzerzhinsky who was unique among the Bolshevik aristocracy in that he really was an aristocrat. Anyone who slighted him at a soiree or beat him at tennis probably did not live to regret it. Dzerzhinsky may have betrayed his class but not his tastes. In the midst of revolution and civil war, Dzerzhinsky requisitioned a Rolls-Royce for his personal use. It should be noted that his timing was as impeccable as his style. He died of heart attack in 1926, and so avoided a less natural cause of death from Stalin.

In organizing the Cheka, Lenin was just observiing a hallowed Russian tradition. Since Ivan the Terrible, the Tsars had relied on secret police as well. Indeed, Ivan set the standard. His death squads, the Oprichniki, had a very distinctive insignia: the severed head of a dog on their saddles. The dog’s head presumably would sniff out treason. Ivan distrusted his nobles, and the Oprichniki eliminated the causes of his anxiety. Of course, even the Oprichniki found that Ivan could be a little too whimsical. There is a story of a father-and-son team who had risen high in the Oprichniki hierarchy. While at a feast, Ivan thought of a test of loyalty for entertainment. The son was ordered to strangle the father. Before the guests, the son did as he was ordered. Then Ivan ordered the son to be executed; after all, how could Ivan trust anyone who would kill his father?

At least, subsequent Tsars and their secret police refrained from decapitating dogs for decor. (However, Faberge could have made some wonderful facsimiles.) In the last decades of the Russian Empire, the secret police was known as the Okhrana. Their chief concern was suppressing the growing radical movement. They proved so successful at infiltrating revolutionaries groups that Okhrana agents actually were managing many of the revolutionary plots. In 1911, Okhrana oversaw the assassination of the Russian Prime Minister, Pyotr Stolypin. A political moderate, at least by Russian standards, Stolypin’s attempts at reforms outraged the conservatives. So, Okhrana manipulated a thoroughly infiltrated radical group to kill him. The actual assassin was a genuine revolutionary but his supervisor and his supervisor’s supervisor were all on the Okhrana payroll. It was a perfect Okhrana coup: the reactionaries kill the moderate and frame the radicals.

Yes, the Okhrana even infiltrated the Bolsheviks. One of their double agents was a young Georgian who called himself Stalin. We can surmise that Stalin only gave up the names of the people he didn’t like. Of course, that could have been enough to crowd Siberia.

Oprichniki, Okrana, Cheka, KGB…These are the happy memories that Vladimir Putin is enjoying today. And who says that you can’t bring back the good old days?