Your RDA of Irony

Eugene Explains the Headlines

SKorean minister: Torpedo likely sank warship


SEOUL, South Korea — An explosion from a torpedo likely sank a South Korean warship that went down near the tense border with North Korea last month, the South’s defense minister said Sunday amid growing speculation Pyongyang may be behind the blast.

Defense Minister Kim Tae-young said the most likely cause of the disaster was a torpedo exploding near the ship, with the force of the underwater blast ripping the vessel apart. Investigators who examined salvaged wreckage separately announced Sunday that a close-range, external explosion likely sank it.

Kim, however, did not speculate on who may have fired it and said an investigation was ongoing and it’s still too early to determine the cause.

But here is a list of possible culprits:

A.  France did it out of uncontrollable revulsion to the idea of kimchee.

B.  Israel did it because no one has blamed the Jews for anything this week–and they missed the guilt.

C.  Dan Brown did it to promote his novel in which he reveals that Jesus was also married to a geisha and the bridal registry is hidden somewhere in Asia.

D.  The features staff of the New York Times did it to see how many times they could put the name Kim in one story.

E.  North Korea–nah, too obvious.


UK apologizes to Vatican over Pope visit jokes


LONDON — Britain’s Foreign Office issued a hasty apology Sunday to Pope Benedict XVI after publication of an internal memo in which officials joked he could open an abortion clinic, launch a range of condoms or sing a duet with Queen Elizabeth II during a four-day visit in September.

The document, sections of which were published in the Sunday Telegraph newspaper, also proposed the pope could bless a gay marriage, and acknowledge the clerical sex abuse scandal by establishing a hot line for abused children, or honoring abuse whistleblowers.

Junior officials wrote the memo following a brainstorming session intended to discuss ideas for the visit, the first to Britain by the head of the Roman Catholic Church since Pope John Paul II in 1982.

Though some included advice for Britain’s government on how to approach the abuse scandal, the ministry condemned many of the proposals as “ill-judged, naive and disrespectful.”

But not all of the proposals?  The dueling divas duet is on!  But if the Queen thinks that she can do a better Marlene Dietrich impression than Benedict, she is going to lose this battle of Britain.  No, he’s the one with the German accent and the fabulous legs. The Pope’s Dietrich impersonation has long been a hit at Vatican parties and at old soldiers’ homes in Argentina. His rendition of “See What the Altar Boys in the Backroom Will Have” will delight the British audience just as it did the College of Cardinals.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic–and melodic–significance of this day:

  1. Michele says:


    I think Benedict is best suited to impersonating Nosferatu. A slight change of costume will do.


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