Posts Tagged ‘Benedict XVI’

Eugene Explains the Headlines

Posted in General on April 25th, 2010 by Eugene Finerman – 1 Comment

SKorean minister: Torpedo likely sank warship


SEOUL, South Korea — An explosion from a torpedo likely sank a South Korean warship that went down near the tense border with North Korea last month, the South’s defense minister said Sunday amid growing speculation Pyongyang may be behind the blast.

Defense Minister Kim Tae-young said the most likely cause of the disaster was a torpedo exploding near the ship, with the force of the underwater blast ripping the vessel apart. Investigators who examined salvaged wreckage separately announced Sunday that a close-range, external explosion likely sank it.

Kim, however, did not speculate on who may have fired it and said an investigation was ongoing and it’s still too early to determine the cause.

But here is a list of possible culprits:

A.  France did it out of uncontrollable revulsion to the idea of kimchee.

B.  Israel did it because no one has blamed the Jews for anything this week–and they missed the guilt.

C.  Dan Brown did it to promote his novel in which he reveals that Jesus was also married to a geisha and the bridal registry is hidden somewhere in Asia.

D.  The features staff of the New York Times did it to see how many times they could put the name Kim in one story.

E.  North Korea–nah, too obvious.


UK apologizes to Vatican over Pope visit jokes


LONDON — Britain’s Foreign Office issued a hasty apology Sunday to Pope Benedict XVI after publication of an internal memo in which officials joked he could open an abortion clinic, launch a range of condoms or sing a duet with Queen Elizabeth II during a four-day visit in September.

The document, sections of which were published in the Sunday Telegraph newspaper, also proposed the pope could bless a gay marriage, and acknowledge the clerical sex abuse scandal by establishing a hot line for abused children, or honoring abuse whistleblowers.

Junior officials wrote the memo following a brainstorming session intended to discuss ideas for the visit, the first to Britain by the head of the Roman Catholic Church since Pope John Paul II in 1982.

Though some included advice for Britain’s government on how to approach the abuse scandal, the ministry condemned many of the proposals as “ill-judged, naive and disrespectful.”

But not all of the proposals?  The dueling divas duet is on!  But if the Queen thinks that she can do a better Marlene Dietrich impression than Benedict, she is going to lose this battle of Britain.  No, he’s the one with the German accent and the fabulous legs. The Pope’s Dietrich impersonation has long been a hit at Vatican parties and at old soldiers’ homes in Argentina. His rendition of “See What the Altar Boys in the Backroom Will Have” will delight the British audience just as it did the College of Cardinals.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic–and melodic–significance of this day:


Posted in General on April 16th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Upon arriving in the United States, Pope Benedict found himself forced to attend an audience with George Bush. Here is the likely transcript….

Commandude Bush: Ya know, Poppie, ya oughta be confessing to me. Why aren’t ya supporting us in Iraq? The Crusades were your idea.

Pope: Ve lost der crusades.

Dude: Ya did? So ya let the terrorists win?

Pope: Actually, everywun said ve vere der terrorists.

Dude: Don’t need that loser talk! And I’m gonna give ya a second chance to join my team.

Pope: I prefer mein coach.

Dude: Ya haven’t heard my offer, yet. How would ya like a seat on the Supreme Court? I think that ya’re pretty reliable on pro-life, and the Cadalik Church ought to be pro-corporation. Your guys invented it.

Pope: I am not a lawyer.

Dude: But who’s gonna vote against ya? Besides, ya can judge on all them child-molestation cases. Save the Church a lot of money. In fact, if ya need any cash, it seems we might owe ya some. My lawyers–smart Jews, ya don’t know what ya’re missing–anyway they tell me your folks have the original patent on waterboarding. So, I guess every time we use it, we have to pay ya a fee. We could be talkin’ some serious money.

Pope: So, as der patent holders, ve can insist that you schtop vaterboarding.

Dude: Don’t ya get high and mighty on me. A man who dresses like my mother! I can have ya in Guantanamo faster than ya can say….whatever ya say in Cadalik. I’ll just tell people ya made a pass at me.

Pope: You vouldn’t dare.

Dude: Fox News already has the story–and they are just waitin’. And I’ll punch ya in the mouth to make it look real.

Pope: All right, I vill say something encouraging about you und Iraq.

Dude: And ya’ll demand Cadaliks vote Republican and endorse Jeb as Vice President.

Pope: Dis is der second time dat I have surrendered to Americans. 1945 vas easier.

Dude: That’s when we still had the Geneva Convention.