The Attoady General
Today, the Senate Judiciary Committee will hear Alberto Gonzales try to explain what he does for a living. Here is a likely transcript.
Sen. Leahy: In your unique performance as Attorney General of the United States, do you find that you are more often a contemptible toady or a nauseating sycophant?
Attorney General Gonzales: Is that a math question? I wasn’t prepared for one.
Leahy: If it is too difficult a question, would like you to “ask the audience”, “pick 50/50” or “call a friend”?
Gonzales: You’re under arrest.
Leahy: You can’t do that.
Gonzales: The President says I can.
Sen. Specter: We will let the Courts decide that. In the meantime, I will take over the hearings. As a cost-savings measure, we have turned off the microphones for the Democratic senators. The money will be donated for the Katrina Flood victims, so if anyone is so heartless and unpatriotic to object….In any case, I will be happy to read some of the questions by my Democratic colleagues.
I will begin. Attorney General Gonzales, could you explain your role in the events leading up to the rather brusque dismissal of those eight federal prosecutors.
Gonzales: I am told that I don’t remember.
Specter: Drat, I can’t read Sen. Feinstein’s handwriting. Next.
Sen. Hatch: If the President wants our Attorney General to be a sociopath posing as a moron, I think that you have done an outstanding job. My only question for this exemplary partriot is this: what’s the President nickname for you?
Gonzales: He calls me “Alburito.”
Specter: Drat, I can’t read Sen. Schumer’s handwriting.
Sen. Schumer:Oh, you never had trouble reading Rick Santorum’s handwriting.
Specter: His spelling was the challenge. All right, if you insist on squandering the taxpayers’ money, please look directly into the camera for Fox News and ask your pointless question.
Schumer: Did you fire those federal prosecutors because they were not fabricating voter fraud cases with the intent of harassing Democratic candidates and voters?
Sen. Sessions: You see. This administration is still committed to having elections.
Gonzales: I am told that I don’t remember. And Schumer is under arrest.
Specter: Sen. Kennedy has the following question: Ginger or Mary Ann?
Gonzales: Neither. As a Republican, I would marry Mrs. Howell for her money.