Posts Tagged ‘Alberto Gonzales’

How To Thank Alberto Gonzales

Posted in General on November 18th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Former Attorney General’s Legal Fees Mount in Probe

Washington Post

Supporters of former attorney general Alberto R. Gonzales have created a trust fund to help pay for his legal expenses, which are mounting in the face of an ongoing Justice Department investigation into whether Gonzales committed perjury or improperly tampered with a congressional witness.

The establishment of a legal defense fund for the nation’s former chief law enforcement officer underscores the potential peril confronting Gonzales, who is one of a handful of attorneys general to face potential criminal charges for actions taken in office.

A contribution form asking for donations to the Alberto R. Gonzales Legal Expense Trust suggests amounts from $500 to $5,000.

And we can offer these fabulous gifts to thank you for your donation!

For just $500, you can have the recorded telephone calls of any ten Americans you request. You’ll know everything they said in 2007. (Of course, contributers to the Alberto R. Gonzales Legal Expense Trust are protected–which is all the more reason you’ll want this gift.)

For just a $1000 donation, the IRS will audit anyone you wish. And for you bargain lovers, order three audits for only $2500. Better yet, the audit’s tax penalty–and we guarantee one–will be donated to the Alberto R. Gon…well, you know.

With a $2000 donation, you can add anyone’s name to the TSA terrorist list. What a surprise for that frequent flier who suddenly finds himself spending 36 hours in a holding cell. Complimentary Tasering included. And for an additional $500, the arrest will be leaked to Fox News.

For just a $3000 donation, you won’t have to share this country with someone you don’t like. Yes, have his citizenship revoked! We promise you reserved seating at the deportation hearing. And guess what Legal Defense Fund will receive the forfeited social security.

With a $4000 donation, you can send someone to an indefinite stay at an unspecified site. And for an additional $500, you can personally conduct the enhanced interrogation.

And for a $5000 donation, you will receive a Presidential Pardon for whatever you did on this list.

The Attoady General

Posted in General on April 19th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Today, the Senate Judiciary Committee will hear Alberto Gonzales try to explain what he does for a living. Here is a likely transcript.

Sen. Leahy: In your unique performance as Attorney General of the United States, do you find that you are more often a contemptible toady or a nauseating sycophant?

Attorney General Gonzales: Is that a math question? I wasn’t prepared for one.

Leahy: If it is too difficult a question, would like you to “ask the audience”, “pick 50/50” or “call a friend”?

Gonzales: You’re under arrest.

Leahy: You can’t do that.

Gonzales: The President says I can.

Sen. Specter: We will let the Courts decide that. In the meantime, I will take over the hearings. As a cost-savings measure, we have turned off the microphones for the Democratic senators. The money will be donated for the Katrina Flood victims, so if anyone is so heartless and unpatriotic to object….In any case, I will be happy to read some of the questions by my Democratic colleagues.

I will begin. Attorney General Gonzales, could you explain your role in the events leading up to the rather brusque dismissal of those eight federal prosecutors.

Gonzales: I am told that I don’t remember.

Specter: Drat, I can’t read Sen. Feinstein’s handwriting. Next.

Sen. Hatch: If the President wants our Attorney General to be a sociopath posing as a moron, I think that you have done an outstanding job. My only question for this exemplary partriot is this: what’s the President nickname for you?

Gonzales: He calls me “Alburito.”

Specter: Drat, I can’t read Sen. Schumer’s handwriting.

Sen. Schumer:Oh, you never had trouble reading Rick Santorum’s handwriting.

Specter: His spelling was the challenge. All right, if you insist on squandering the taxpayers’ money, please look directly into the camera for Fox News and ask your pointless question.

Schumer: Did you fire those federal prosecutors because they were not fabricating voter fraud cases with the intent of harassing Democratic candidates and voters?

Sen. Sessions: You see. This administration is still committed to having elections.

Gonzales: I am told that I don’t remember. And Schumer is under arrest.

Specter: Sen. Kennedy has the following question: Ginger or Mary Ann?

Gonzales: Neither. As a Republican, I would marry Mrs. Howell for her money.