FinermanWorks

THEN–2005

In a special session of the Senate’s Energy and Self-Righteous Committee, the suddenly alert Senators grilled the titans of the Oil Industry over their appalling (or mouthwatering–depending on your party) profits.

Sen. Ted Stevens (R., Pleistocene): I am sure that we all want to thank our delightful guests for the honor of their company.

Lee Raymond (Extort Mogul): And it is an equal pleasure to contribute to your campaign.

James Mulva (ConPhilch): Really, Teddy, whenever you need a billion for a bridge in Alaska, just ask us.

Sen. Stevens: Seeing how important–and wonderful–you are, we can forego anything so demeaning as swearing to tell the truth. Anything you say is Gospel with me. In further deference to you, the senators will be limited to two minutes of questions. And they cannot use any word with the letter “E.”

Is that okay?

Various senators: Yes.

Sen. Stevens: Ooh. Yes has an “E”. You all lost your turn.

Sen. Diane Feinstein (D., Cal–and three marriages to prove it): I didn’t okay it, you old coot.

Sen. Byron Dorgan (D.–N. Dakota, believe it or not) I didn’t, too.

Stevens: I will start. Plastic is from oil, right. It is hard to pry off child-proof caps off of my drugs.

Extort Mogul: Why don’t we just send over a beautiful nurse to help you?

Feinstein: What will you say to our angry public about this scandalous cost of gas?

Stevens: Hold on, that was a lot of words. Did you say a you-know-what?

Feinstein: No, I didn’t.

Stevens: What about that word starting with “scan”?

Feinstein: Scandalous? That is an “a”!

Stevens: I will adjourn this hearing while we investigate this matter. We thank again our charming guests from the oil industry, but ask them to be possible witnesses in Senator Feinstein’s perjury trial.

ConocoPhilch: Thank you, Ted. But I think that she is right about the spelling of scandalous.

Stevens: The committee will determine that; and with me here, you’ll never have to spell scandal.

NOW: 2008

Pleading executive privilege or a really important golf game, the chairmen of the leading oil companies were absent from today’s hearings of the Senate Energy and Racketeering Committee. Representing the oil industry were Mitzy Puddell, vice president of pro-active communications for Extort-Mogul, “Bobo” Hoffmeister, the 16-year-old grandson of the Chairman of Shill, and Jorge Castillo, a custodian at ConocoPhilch. Of the three, Mr. Castillo seemed the most coherent even if it wasn’t in English.

Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy began the questioning: How do you justify the exorbitant profits of your industry?

Ms. Puddell: Isn’t the Free Market wonderful? Who’d have thought that there was so much money in it! But if God chooses to make our industry rich, who are we to deny His Divine wisdom?

Bobo: Gramps does not use steroids. Here is a cup of his urine to prove it.

Castillo: They don’t count the money in front of me. Occasionally, I get leftover food from corporate meetings. And they are serving roast beef and sushi more often.

Senator Arlen Spector: Let’s talk about the future and how your industry is investing these shall-we-say-impressive profits?

Puddell: We, at Extort-Mogul, are doing our patriotic best for the balance of trade. You won’t see us at Wal-Mart buying anything from China. Well, I do have those Ming vases but I bought those at Southeby’s but I think that’s probably Jewish despite the name.

Bobo: Gramps is spending some 25 million at Stanford on some building–a gym or a lab–…en-entitlement or something…

Castillo: Endowment.

Bobo: Yeah. Thanks. Gramps says that it’s the only way to get me into the school.

Castillo: I am receiving better quality dust rags. Old Brooks Brothers shirts–some of them are still worth wearing. See!

Sen. Spector: I was referring to alternate energy.

Bobo: Gramps is opposed to cocaine.

Puddell: We are working on nuclear-powered oil drills.

Castillo: I am your alternate energy.

Senator Diane Feinstein: According to the Petroleum Institute, your industry recommends placing an oil rig every 8 square feet in the United States. Do you think that might have an adverse effect on the environment?

Puddell: Not if we color-coordinate the oil rigs. White rigs in Alaska, earth tones in the Southwest, something pine-green in New England.

Bobo: And the ones at Stanford could be in the school colors!

Castillo: I am already biodegradable, but I am in no hurry.

Sen. Leahy: Where are the other Republican senators?

Sen. Specter: Executive privilege or a really important golf game.

Today, the Senate Judiciary Committee will hear Alberto Gonzales try to explain what he does for a living. Here is a likely transcript.

Sen. Leahy: In your unique performance as Attorney General of the United States, do you find that you are more often a contemptible toady or a nauseating sycophant?

Attorney General Gonzales: Is that a math question? I wasn’t prepared for one.

Leahy: If it is too difficult a question, would like you to “ask the audience”, “pick 50/50” or “call a friend”?

Gonzales: You’re under arrest.

Leahy: You can’t do that.

Gonzales: The President says I can.

Sen. Specter: We will let the Courts decide that. In the meantime, I will take over the hearings. As a cost-savings measure, we have turned off the microphones for the Democratic senators. The money will be donated for the Katrina Flood victims, so if anyone is so heartless and unpatriotic to object….In any case, I will be happy to read some of the questions by my Democratic colleagues.

I will begin. Attorney General Gonzales, could you explain your role in the events leading up to the rather brusque dismissal of those eight federal prosecutors.

Gonzales: I am told that I don’t remember.

Specter: Drat, I can’t read Sen. Feinstein’s handwriting. Next.

Sen. Hatch: If the President wants our Attorney General to be a sociopath posing as a moron, I think that you have done an outstanding job. My only question for this exemplary partriot is this: what’s the President nickname for you?

Gonzales: He calls me “Alburito.”

Specter: Drat, I can’t read Sen. Schumer’s handwriting.

Sen. Schumer:Oh, you never had trouble reading Rick Santorum’s handwriting.

Specter: His spelling was the challenge. All right, if you insist on squandering the taxpayers’ money, please look directly into the camera for Fox News and ask your pointless question.

Schumer: Did you fire those federal prosecutors because they were not fabricating voter fraud cases with the intent of harassing Democratic candidates and voters?

Sen. Sessions: You see. This administration is still committed to having elections.

Gonzales: I am told that I don’t remember. And Schumer is under arrest.

Specter: Sen. Kennedy has the following question: Ginger or Mary Ann?

Gonzales: Neither. As a Republican, I would marry Mrs. Howell for her money.