And now, from the people who brought you monotheism, psychoanalysis and the atomic bomb (you must have noticed the similarities) it is the year 5772!

Of course, there is no scientific or historical justification for that number. The Jews have only been around for 3500 years, and the world is somewhat older than 5,772. Yet, that number is not a zany choice or an arbitrary guess. As Milton Friedman explained in his classic work “How Little To Tip a
Waitress Before She Spits in Your Food“, the market will inevitably determine the correct value of everything. So it has to be 5772 if the Jews are willing to buy that.

But how did the Jews originally come up with such a paltry amount for the age of the world? When the chronology was first calculated–21 centuries ago–it seemed a reasonable sum. At the time, Rome only claimed to be 600 or so. Even Egypt couldn’t go back farther than 3,000 years. So, allowing for six days of creation, Methusaleh, 40 years in the desert, 4,000 years seemed a plausible total. (The Greeks had found the skeletons of very large reptiles but that only proved the existence of dragons.)

Even if the ancient Jews had known that the world actually was over 4 billion years old, they would have had trouble writing that large a number. The concept of zero did not yet exist. Yes, Jews did have a vague equivalent to the zero: the nebbish; but nebbish really was more of a metaphysical concept than a mathematical one.

So 21 centuries ago, our chronology was the best we could do. All right, now we know better. Happy 4,500,000,000th New Year might be precise, but 5772 has more eccentric charm.

As we look forward to a new year, let’s mingle nostalgia and nausea over the events of the last year.

We lost Amy Winehouse and can’t get rid of Eric Cantor.  With that smarmy personality, he probably still gets beaten up for his lunch money.  Of course, he would tell himself, “Wedgies are good for your posture.” While Eric was certainly was the most irritating Jew of the year, he actually was an improvement over the previous winner Ben Stein.  Two years ago, you couldn’t avoid the smug, smirking Stein on every television commercial.   “Hi, I’m Ben Stein, and I’m the reason that you’d want a good credit rating, clear refreshed eyes, and a $400 a month bill from Comcast.”  I am surprised that he didn’t foist himself on Jenny Craig:  “Hi, I’m the reason that Valerie Bertinelli left Eddie van Valen and wants to lose 40 pounds.”  Being surrounded by Republicans, Stein would have an exaggerated notion of his brilliance–any high school graduate would– but where did he get the idea that he was adorable?  Standing next to Eric Cantor?

The most embarrassing Jew of the past year was Anthony Weiner.  A congressman should keep in touch with his constituency, but where exactly does he want to be touched?  From a Jewish perspective, however, Weiner’s greatest outrage was waxing his chest.  For Jewish men, body hair is our claim to virility.  Even we Reform Jews still grow beards; they just happen to be on our backs. Sages study our ear hair for interpretations of the Kabala.  But that preening coxcomb Weiner has betrayed four thousand years of tradition and follicles. I hope that at least he waxed with a Yahrzeit candle.

As in any year, we won our usual 200 Emmys.  With categories like best agent for a make-up man, we never miss our quota.  This last year’s Nobel Prizes were a bit unnerving, however. Gentiles won in all the real categories–even medicine. We were about to take credit for one Jewish great-grandmother of physicist Andre Geim. Fortunately, we always have economics as a consolation prize. The winner–and our savior–was Peter A. Diamond. Diamond had the additional distinction of being rejected by Senate Republicans for a position on the Federal Reserve Board.  Apparently, having a Nobel Prize in Economics is not as impressive as having read the Cliffs Notes for “Atlas Shrugged”.

Finally, we end the year 5771  by thanking our cousin Jesus for-once again–not having a Second Coming. If He returned, three-quarters of the world would be proved wrong. But we might take it personally. Even worse, His Believers wouldn’t be too thrilled. The Protestants would be furious that He is a liberal. Furthermore, no one would be very happy that He looks more like Ben Stiller than Jude Law. And guess whom they would blame! We certainly can wait for that.

So, it is another year for Western Civilization’s Longest Running Road Show. Still under original management!

p.s.  Let’s not forget the this week’s historic significance–or at least my inventory of pedantics:

September 25:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/25/what-balboa-really-discovered/

September 27:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/26/happy-anniversary-to-all-our-jesuit-readers-2/

September 30:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/30/a-promising-young-man/

September 17, 2006

Yesterday was the Fifth Anniversary of this website and its pulpit for my pedantics.  I know that you all intended to send me gifts.  For those who did, I won’t mention your names because I will no longer admit knowing you.  Those two raffle tickets for “a steambath with Marcus Bachmann”–you can be sure that I am regifting them to my least favorite in-law.  But I am almost touched by the effort one of you made, coloring a Fruit Loops cereal with a light blue dry mark to disguise it as a gift from Tiffanys.

You’d think after five years I might have run out of history.  Yes, I have nearly exhausted my Byzantine gossip.  But not quite…(You have yet to meet the Empress Zoe.)  And, even to my surprise, I am still learning history.

For instance, I thought that I was quite familiar with that remarkable scoundrel–and possible ancestor–Herod the Great.  He was a masterful tyrant of Judea, extorting and exploiting his subjects but never quite to the point of full-scale rebellion.  And he proved a brilliant contortionist in Roman politics, making himself indispensable first to Cassius, then Marc Antony and then Augustus.  If anyone could be on both sides of a civil war, it was Herod.  The man was such a consummate villain that his notoriety was “borrowed” by the New Testament, adding him to the Nativity for the extra drama.      “The massacre of the innocents” in Bethlehem never occurred; Herod did execute three of his sons but they were adults and well past the innocents phase. 

So, what didn’t I know about this fascinating monster?  His actual name!  I recently was talking with a visiting Israeli and–won’t you be surprised–the topic turned to history.  I was speaking of Herod and the fact that he built the Wailing Wall, which actually was just a support structure for the Temple complex.  However, she was looking at me with bewilderment.  (Yes, I should be used to that.)  But deciphering the historical context, she said, “Do you mean Hordoos?” 

This was a revelation.  Herod was the Greek pronunciation; perhaps he hired a p.r. firm to come up with it.  The Romans, shamelessly plagiarizing the Greeks, repeated the Hellenized Herod and passed on it to us.  But to his miserable subjects, their reigning fiend was Hordoos.  And with its grating and sordid sound, Hordoos really is much more appropriate.

Let’s not forget the historic events of this week:

September 18:  Eugene tells you about Hordoos.

September 19:  Sorry, I owe you one.

September 20:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/09/20/learning-discretion/ or https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/21/how-not-to-die-of-old-age-2/

September 21:  Couldn’t you read the September 20 musings slowly?

September 22:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/22/if-you-thought-the-reign-of-terror-was-excessive/ or https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/09/22/royal-fractions/

September 23:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/09/23/the-repulsive-shall-inherit-the-earth-at-least-one-did/

September 24:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/09/24/cardinal-sins/

Romney faces challenge of winning over evangelicals

The chances for Mitt Romney could be hurt by his Mormon faith.

SpongeBob in hot water from study of 4-year-olds

AP

The cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants is in hot water from a study
suggesting that watching just nine minutes of that program can cause short-term
attention and learning problems in 4-year-olds.

In a series of intelligence tests, viewers of “Sponge Bob” fared consistently worse than 4-year-olds who had just watched three hours of Nova.  PBS viewer Tiffany Smarmley likes String Theory and is fantasizing that her Barbie will marry Neil deGrasse Tyson.  By contrast, SpongeBob fan Dulles Voyde knew that a Portuguese man-of-war was grouchy but saw no corelation to the colonization of Brazil.

Former know-it-all and still precocious Eugene Finerman compared the superior educational offerings of television in his childhood.  “We learned that Hitler was defeated by the Three Stooges, who obviously symbolized Stalin (Moe), Larry (FDR) and Curly (the resemblance to Churchill is too obvious).  However, I am still uncertain whether the pie in the face represented Stalingrad or the invasion of Normandy.”

Mel Gibson Takes on Judah Maccabee

New York Times

As the Republican presidential race narrows down to Jethro Bodine and Eddie Haskell, voters are eager to learn each candidate’s plan for improving the economy.  Gov. Bodine speaks proudly of his record in Texas:  “We execute the unemployed.  So either you get a job or you provide the public some free entertainment.”  The governor also presented his plan for economic expansion: it turned out a history of the War of 1812, with the chapters on invading Canada underlined.  When asked for an explanation, Bodine retorted “I don’t care what a bunch of geographers say.  I don’t believe in Canada, and I don’t see why we don’t take all that empty land.”

After consulting a focus group, former Governor Haskell defended the existence of Canada.  He spoke glowingly of maple syrup, which reminds many people of Haskell’s personality.  He then expounded on his own economic record: the creation of 15,000 jobs at Haskell Metalworks, Waste Disposal, Pharmaceuticals and Catering.  When asked why it was headquartered in Shanghai, Haskell blamed the American economy.

“If only we got back to our founding principles, and my economic plan will do that.  I call it the Secure Employment and Resettlement Foundation.  Under the SERF system, anyone who needs a job or a home would be welcome to stay on the private estates of designated participants.  In return for this hospitality, the guests would be obliged to express their thanks with a little work: cleaning pools or moats, yard work, windows, crops.  In certain locations, the SERF assignments would include building walls along the Mexican border.

“Guests can be reassured: SERF housing and employment would be in perpetuity.  The system includes a food plan–and it is a dietitian’s dream:  all the advantages of root vegetables and none of the risks of meat.  As for healthcare, life expectancy would not be an issue.”

Asked if the SERF system would pay its workers the minimum wage, Haskell replied, “You don’t need to pay your guests.”  The editorial page of the Wall Street Journal praised the plan, noting that it had been used in a previous Dark Ages “And look how well things turned out.”

Lauren Bush marries David Lauren

CBS

The 27-year-old bride, who will go by the name Lauren Bush-Lauren, wore an “intricately embroidered Victorian-style gown” designed by her father-in-law Ralph Lauren.   The groom, 39, wore a “vintage Lincoln era-inspired tuxedo.”

Her parents, Sharon and Neil, who divorced in 2003, walked her down the aisle for the Jewish ceremony.

Guests at the ranch included the bride’s aunt and uncle, former President George W. Bush and first lady Laura Bush, cousins Jenna and Barbara Bush and uncle Jeb Bush, the former governor of Florida.  Her grandparents, former President George H.W. Bush and first lady Barbara Bush, were unable to attend but reportedly sent a video message that was played during Saturday night’s rehearsal dinner.

Could this be the video?

Gramps:  Sorry kids….

Barbara Pierce Bush:  Really Lauren!   Your father is a lecher and an embezzler, your uncle destroyed the country but at least they never married a Lifshitz.

Gramps:  They call themselves Lauren now.

Barbara Pierce Bush:  A leopard can’t change its spots–but the Katz can change their name.

Gramps:  Now, now, they are just trying to be Americans.

Barbara Pierce Bush:  Katz, Lifshitz.  It is all the same–not our type.  Really George, I don’t know why you even let that Greenspan fellow into the White House.  I am sure that he was stealing the silverware.  And now they have taken our granddaughter.

Gramps:  I imagine that Lauren was willing….

Barbara Pierce Bush:   Haven’t you read “Oliver Twist”?  Remember Shylock?

Gramps:  “Merchant of Venice” dear…and I read them both.  I was a Phi Beta Kappa at Yale.

Barbara Pierce Bush:  That would only impress a Jew.  Lauren, our wedding gift will be these annulment papers.

Gramps:  Our lawyer, Mr. Ginsberg, thought that it was rather amusing.

Barbara Pierce Bush:  I can imagine what he charged us….

Gramps:  Nothing!  Said that he was doing the Lifshitz a favor.

I found a spam buffet awaiting me here.  I will spare you the offers of male enhancement; besides, I don’t want anyone to think that I shoplifted a flagpole.

Here are the less sordid missives.

Since the MSM is totally skewed, what blogs/websites have you found that give you information that the MSM ignores?

I, too, noticed that the Main Stream Media wrote nothing last week about Ferdinand II and the Thirty Years War.  Well, that certainly proves that the Reformation was a plot by New York liberals! On the other hand, how many of the Republican presidential candidates would correctly guess the duration of the Thirty Years War?

Our dog usually gets three walks a day, along with one off leash at a park to play fetch game. I am afraid if we may struggle to fit in two a day once the baby gets here… But I know he is surely well behaved when he is exhausted!

This was supposedly in response to my essay on American suffragettes.  So I assume that Susan B. Anthony could have been mollified with a chew toy.

What is the best way to search for blogs you are interested in?

I go to a search engine and type in “Naked Eugene Finerman.”  The results are always fascinating.

And while you are typing that in, let’s not forget these days in history:

September 5:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/09/05/no-good-deed/

September 7: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/07/tudor-tutorial-2/

September 9:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/09/germania-with-the-emphasis-on-mania-2/

September 10:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/10/dracula-was-an-underachiever/

Timing clash settled, Obama sets sights on speech

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama will a deliver rare address to a joint session of Congress next week to introduce a long-awaited plan for jobs and economic growth, but not before being forced to yield in a test of wills with House Speaker John Boehner over not what he would say, but when he would say it.

Obama agreed to schedule his address on Sept. 8 after Boehner balked at the president’s request for a Sept. 7 speech.

From John Bay-Ner (just to be clear):

Dear Alleged President Obama,

Your timing is unfortunate.  As you know, the House of Representatives was planning to take the entire week off to celebrate Mitzi Gaynor’s 80th birthday.  If you don’t mind insulting a great American entertainer, we can permit your brief interruption.  The question is which day.

Obviously, September 4th–Miss Gaynor’s special day–is out of the question.

September 5th might been acceptable except that it turns out to be the birthday of Giocomo Meyerbeer.  I have never heard of him but apparently he was very important to Eric Cantor.  (And you know how those people can whine.)

September 6th would really be in poor taste.  Normally, with the name Boehner, I would be sympathetic to anyone named Leon Czolgolz–but the guy shot President McKinley on that day.  I don’t want to coddle terrorists and I hope you feel the same way.

September 7th is the birthday of Queen Elizabeth I.  We may have cut off all funding for public television, so serving some birthday cake shows that it wasn’t personal.

September 9th is the anniversary of the battle of the Teutoberg Forest.  I don’t know if you should send Germany your congratulations or Italy your condolences.  Either way, it is bad for NATO and not a good day to speak.

September 10th is Saturday and the Moslem Sabbath–not that I am hinting.  But it is also the day that Qin Shi Huang died.  He was China’s first emperor, and if you think that we can afford to offend our creditors….

You will notice that September 8th seems to be open.  However, it is the wedding anniversary of George III and Charlotte of Mecklenberg-Strelitz.  Yes, we revolted against him, but it had nothing to do with his marriage–a sacred institution even between an English lunatic and a German cow.  Why don’t you first get written permission from Queen Elizabeth II to speak on her great-great-great-great-grandparents’ wedding anniversary, and then we’ll consider your request.

We can discuss the specific time later–but I am a big fan of “Burn Notice.’

Yours,

John B.

Reimagined attraction that was born in Windy City looks to open with high-end restaurant, lounge early next year

Chicago Tribune

Oh for the good old days, when megalomaniac tyrants had a sense of style.  Who wouldn’t want to be under Mussolini’s thumb, knowing those brass knuckles were from Bulgari!  And Saddam Hussein’s palaces were obvious homages to MGM classics; at least one of his wives had to be Norma Shearer.  But Muammar Qaddafi evidently shops at Target.  Perusing the architecture and decor of his homes, the New York Times was dismayed by his tackiness.

Given Colonel Qaddafi’s noted flamboyance, the residences of the House of Qaddafi were not quite as grand as people might have supposed.

They lacked the faux grandeur of Saddam Hussein’s marbled palaces. There are no columns that bear the colonel’s initials, or fists cast to resemble his hands or river-fed moats with voracious carp.

His overt support of terrorism apparently is not so abhorent as his interior decorating.  The man’s style is “Seventies”.  His epauletted wardrobe may have been “Sergeant Pepper” but his living room was “The Wonder Years.”  Qaddafi probably had kept plastic covers on his nuclear reactors.

The New York Times is so disappointed in him.

This Week in History:

August 28:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/28/a-fool-and-his-empire/

August 29:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/29/cheeri-opium-2/

August 30:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/08/30/fanny-get-your-gun/

August 31:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/31/in-praise-of-impotence-2/

September 1:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/01/2529/

September 2:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/02/the-regicide-regatta/

September 3:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/03/quite-original-sin/