Romney campaign touts his tax return transparency

AP

Romney released two large sets of documents Tuesday on his campaign website.
The 2010 federal return shows that he paid about $3 million on nearly $22
million in income. The 2011 return indicates he will pay $3.2 million on nearly
$21 million income. Much of Romney’s earnings came from investments made by his
blind trust and associated with his long career as a private equity manager.

From a reading of the finally released documents, Romney seems heavily invested in Wite-Out.  According to his 2010 taxes, Romney’s $21 million income was derived from his newspaper route, getting the deposits on soda bottles and the Viking gold found in his backyard.   His 2011 taxes report the same.

His rival Newt Gingrich accused Romney of being an accessory to “Viking secular-humanist crimes” and demanded that the gold be returned to the looted Irish monasteries.  Immediately amending the tax forms and press releases, the Romney campaign then insisted the regularly found treasure was Carthaginian gold and “we refuse to return it to suspected Arab terrorists.”

Mr. Gingrich’s 2010 income was $3 million, one seventh of Romney’s total.  Gingrich explained, “My chief income is the immense satisfaction of inspiring anyone who knows me.  So what if Mitt made $21 million?  I would have won twice that much on Jeopardy, but they won’t let me on the show because the liberal media doesn’t want the public to appreciate my brilliance.”

If you sensed a cosmic disturbance and had nightmares of Adam Sandler and Joan Rivers in “Brigadoon”, let me explain the cause.  Last night, in a gesture of ecumenicalism and anthropological curiosity, my synagogue had a “pulpit exchange” with a Presbyterian church.  We welcomed our guests with tartan yarmulkes.  Their minister’s sermon spoke of the common bond between Scots and Jews, specifically comparing Robert Burns and George Burns.  (They were born the same year; it says so in Wikipedia.)  I will add that the Mourners’ Kaddish did sound better with bagpipes.  We should consider using them instead of shofars.

After the service, my temple hosted a reception catering to our guests’ classic cuisine:  oatmeal and Scotch.  You know, the oatmeal does taste better with the Scotch.  After my fourth bowl, I performed a one-man reenactment of the battle of Culloden.  Of course, the historical accuracy was impeccable, but I may have overstepped propriety by using the Torah as a claymore sword.  In fairness, however, we are a Reform congregation and this was the most use of the Torah since October.

This Sunday, our rabbi will speak at their church and no doubt compare the patterns on their kilts and our sports jackets.

Wikipedia protests US antipiracy proposals

AP

NEW YORK — January 18 is a date that will live in ignorance, as Wikipedia started a 24-hour blackout of its English-language articles, joining other sites in protesting pending U.S. legislation aimed at shutting down sites that share pirated movies and other content.

In desperation, American students will be forced to open textbooks.  Over the next 24 hours, our nation’s healthcare system will collapse as hospital emergency rooms will be confronted with millions of cases of papercuts and hernias.

To alleviate this crisis, I am offering to substitute for Wikipedia and provide our students with the same calibre of scholarship.

For example, Cannes is the capital of Kansas which actually is the abbreviation for Kazakhstan, which was named for the famous Cossack Stanley.

Abraham Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address as the opening act for a Rolling Stones concert.  Incidentally, it was at this concert that Queen Victoria met her future husband Charles Dickens.

Each of our months was named for one of the twelve children of Julia and Gregory Calendar, who owned a stationery store in ancient Greece.  They introduced the yearly chronology to supplement their income after the drop in business for commemorative wedding coffee mugs for Oedipus and Jocasta.

The director’s cut of “The Lord of the Rings:  the Return of the King” lasts 47 hours; the DVD includes all the menus of the cast’s lunches–forty-seven recipes for mutton.  (Wait, that is actually true!)

p.s.  Let’s not forget the patron saint of Wikipedia:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/04/05/the-patron-saint-of-wikipedia/

Did anyone miss me?  If you are feeling neglected, blame Tsar Nicholas II, the Mikado Meiji and the editor who wanted me to write about the Russo-Japanese War.  But even that war had its share of irony, and I would never begrudge you the gossip….

If the Russo-Japanese War had merely been a popularity contest, Japan still would have won.  The newspapers of Britain and America depicted the conflict in terms of David and Goliath.  It was earnest, energetic Japan against big, brutal Russia, and the stereotypes were actually correct.  So what if the Japanese had started the war–or that the fight was over the possession of a prostrate Korea?  If we had to pick a favorite vulture, it was definitely Japan.  (Of course, no one asked the Koreans.)

The war began in February, 1904 with Japan’s surprise attack on the Russian naval base at Port Arthur.  (Yes, the Japanese thought that the tactic would work a second time,  too.)  The Russians may have been surprised, but no one else was. In the preceding two months, American reporters were sent to Japan to cover the impending war.  Apparently, no one in Russia read the Hearst newspapers, but when William Randolph demanded a war, the Mikado wouldn’t have dared refuse.  However, the influx of American reporters caused a problem for the Japanese.  A free press, even an ostensibly pro-Japanese one,  could report casualties and setbacks.  So the Japanese attempted to confine the American journalists to hotel bars and press releases.  (That tactic has also been repeated.)  A few reporters managed to evade their handlers and get to the front.  Of course, the Japanese army was unhappy with the uncontrolled press.  No doubt a few officers were prepared to arrange accidents–but really–many American journalists would have had fatal shaving accidents with samurai swords?  The Japanese thought of a more adroit way to suppress the coverage.  Cameras would be arrested for criminal activity.  Reporters could write unfettered reports, but there would be no photographs for evidence—other than what the Japanese approved.

Russia’s humiliating defeat could be attributed to the imbecilic Tsar, his incompetent generals or his hapless admirals.  But the Russia’s official scapegoat was the Jews.  This seems surprising since very few of those generals and admirals were Jewish.  However, it could have been an honest mistake.  Mikado does sound vaguely Hebrew, one could easily confuse Rashomon with Rosh ha Shonah, and weren’t the Japanese always talking about their Sam and Murray Code?

Episcopalians have new US home in Catholic church

AP

Pope Benedict XVI named a married former Episcopal bishop Sunday to head the
first U.S. organizational structure for disaffected Anglicans and Episcopalians
who want to join the Roman Catholic Church.

The Pope has offered the following concessions to the Episcopalians.

1.  In depictions of the Last Supper, the table will have place cards.

2.  Edith Wharton is an acceptable substitute for the Virgin.  So is Henry James.

3.  In deference to Episcopalians’ politics, the Beatitudes may begin “I suppose”.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/01/02/granadir/

Happy New Year–but it is not the year you think!

According to the most charitable calculation, our A.D. chronology is off by at least four years. The mistake dates back to the early sixth century. Until then, even the Church was using the pagan calendar. That chronology was based on the legendary founding of Rome; as a cross-reference, it also cited whichever sycophant or relative of the emperor was serving as a Roman consul. For example, if you check the Vatican archives, the notarized date for the Nicene Creed should read “in the 1,078th year of Rome and the term of Sextus Anicus Paulinus.” (Who? Exactly. The Emperor wouldn’t have trusted him, otherwise.)

Western Civilization obviously needed a shorter and less pagan date. In the 1278th year of Rome (alias A.D. 525), the Church finally converted its calendar. The new chronology, based upon the birth of Jesus, was calculated by a Byzantine monk named Dionysius Exiguus. Dionysius is not the most trustworthy name for a mathematician or a monk. In fairness, however, the poor guy was working with Roman numerals. (MCCLXXVII minus DXXV =…) It is amazing that his chronology was wrong by only four years.

He reckoned that Jesus was born in the 753rd year of Rome; that year was christened Anno Domini I. Unfortunately Dionysius had not bothered to check his answer with the New Testament or any of the Roman histories available at the local Byzantine library. The Bible is quite specific that Jesus was born during the reign of Herod the Great, Rome’s designated thug of Judea. But Herod died in the 750th year of Rome, four years before Dionysius’ timetable would have permitted it. So by A.D. 1 Jesus was hardly an infant; he may have been halfway to His Bar Mitzvah. The Church apparently caught the error, because Dionysius was not made a saint. Yet, it never corrected that mistake. The Church seems to be quite ecumenical about arithmetic.

Ironically, the Reformation never publicized the mistake, either. Consider how the Protestants initially rejected the Gregorian Calendar, preferring the less accurate but un-Catholic Julian calendar. They could have taunted the Church, “We may be 11 days off but you Papists are wrong by four years.” Yet, the followers of Martin Luther, Jean Calvin and John Knox were surprisingly silent. You would expect them to wish you a dour but mathematically precise New Year.

No, all of Christendom went along with the cover-up. The secret was confined to faculty lounges. Then Johannes Kepler broke the silence. In 1613-14 the mathematician published his exposé De Vero Anno quo Aeternus Dei Filius Humanam Naturam in Utero Benedictae Virginis Mariae Assumpsit. Of course, the only people who even understood the title were college professors and Jesuits, and it was no secret to them. His book was not worth burning, even in Spain. Kepler would have to become famous for astronomy.

Since then, historians mention the chronological error as a point of pedantic pride. They are indisputably right and best ignored. In this case, the truth would be messy. The four-year discrepancy is rooted in our world. If Anno Domini is not a standard of history, it is a matter of faith for many, and a matter of convenience for all.

1st US museum dedicated to Greek culture opens: 

Mel Gibson Loses $425 Million After Divorce Is Finalized

eonline
Sat Dec 24
EST

Mel Gibson ‘s ex-wife Robyn is getting for Christmas half of his net worth of $850 million. That’s the estimated take in a divorce settlement finalized today.

He and his wife of 28 years (and seven children) had no prenuptial agreement.

Robyn filed for divorced in April 2009 citing irreconcilable differences.  Gibson split with Robyn after announcing he was having a baby with Oksana Grigorieva.

Robyn Gibson’s attorney is Laura Wasser.

But how should Robyn Gibson spend that money?  She might want to endow the Laura Wasser School of Talmudic Law at Brandeis, although Laura Wasser can now afford to do that, too.

And just imagine how many trees Mrs. Gibson can plant in Israel? The foliage could be the designated the Meshugge Schmuck National Forest.

At least we know what she will be giving out for Christmas this year:  Tiffany Mezuzahs for everyone!  Every Nativity Scene should have one.

New Focus on Incendiary Words in Paul’s Newsletters

Kim Jong-il Dead

At such times, I miss Larry King…

Welcome to Larry King Live. My guests tonight are former secretary of state and not bad golfer Colin Powell, former secretary of state and still a looker Madeleine Albright, and classy historian but regular mensch David McCullough.  Our topic tonight:  What is the impact of the death of Kim Novak, and how did a beautiful Chicago Polish girl become dictator of North Korea?  Of course, I am not surprised that she had the atomic bomb.  Did you see the way she danced with William Holden in “Picnic”?

Powell:  “Picnic” was a very good movie, but I think that there is some confusion here.

Larry:  You weren’t suppose to look at white women that way?

McCullough:  Kim Novak is still alive.  It is Kim Jong-Il who is dead.

Larry: So will Alec Baldwin get custody of their child?  Let’s call Alan Dershowitz to find out.  Hello eminent professor and killer lawyer, have you been watching the show?

Dershowitz:  God help me, yes.  Alec Baldwin was married to Kim Basinger. He has never been married to Kim Novak, Kim Stanley, Kim Hunter, Kim Darby, Akim Tamiroff or Kim Jong-il.

Larry:  You know Akim Tamiroff looked sorta Jewish, but I think that he was Armenian.  Madeleine, do you ever confuse the two?

Albright:  No, I try to mistake myself for Episcopalian.  But weren’t we suppose to discuss Korea?

Larry:  Absolutely, and after this break, Paula Deen will join our conversation on the death of Kimchee.