The following story is true.  One name has been changed to protect the guilty, although I don’t know why I am bothering.  I would win the libel suit.

The proud parents insisted on showing me their son’s business card.  It identified him as a financial analyst at a firm called “Tradere.”  The card also offered a lesson in Latin.  “Tradere means trader!”  I probably was expected to be impressed; courtesy at least required a simpering smile.  However, my response was “That’s wrong.”

I explained to the stunned parents that the Latin word for trade is “mercari.”  It is the root and etymological ancestor of such words as merchant, market and mercenary.  It even provided the Romans with the name of a God:  Fleet-footed and sleight-of-hand, Mercury was the patron of traders…and thieves.

The father, having accumulated a flotsam of facts in his doctoral studies, grudgingly agreed with my translation.  But his wife, in the fiercest tradition of the Jewish mother insisted “But it says so on the business card!”  Her son’s card had to be infallible.  What was the basis of the word “trader”?  This linguistic dispute occurred in my home, so I was only a few steps away from my office–with its shelves of reference works.  After a few minute absence, during which I was probably subjected to maternal wrath, I returned with the answers.

Our word “trade” is derived from the Angle-Saxon “trada” which means “tread.”  The nature of honest labor has its element of drudgery, and the working conditions of the Dark Ages further dampened the soul.  Ready for today’s 12 hours of serfdom!  You would more likely tread than skip to your labors.  Over time–nine centuries of the Middle Ages–the plodding, weary resignation became synonymous with work itself.  Some vocations involved the exchange of goods, and the noun evolved into the verb “trade.”  That is the etymology of the word, and Latin had nothing to do with it.

But I could offer this solace: “tradere” really is a Latin word.  As any Roman or Jesuit could tell you, it means to betray.  “Tradere” is the ancestor of our words traitor and treason.  Given the history of financial firms, the company’s name might be accurate but unwise to advertise.  Yet, checking its website the following day, I saw the proclamation means “Tradere means trader!”  Several months later, I revisited the website.  The company had not changed its name but now had a more modest assertion:  “Tradere loosely translate to trader.”  Yes, very loosely, in the same way that the word murder loosely translates to “Hello.”  Just the other day, I again visited the website and now saw that Tradere offered no explanation of its name.

As for the young man with the business cards, he now has the reputation in his company of being a classical scholar.

Remind me to blackmail him.

Scarlett Johansson has nabbed the plum role of Janet Leigh  in Fox Searchlight’s “Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho”, an upcoming biopic that sheds light on the difficulties Hitchcock suffered during the making of the classic horror film. Leigh was, of course, one of the stars of the film – an A-list movie actress who audiences were shocked to see being violently killed off before the halfway mark.  Anthony Hopkins will portray Hitchcock.

In the two hour film, 100 minutes will be about the shower scene.  Hollywood’s plumbers union was remarkably conscientious.  Union local president Gus Guido (played by Jack Black) was very concerned about the water’s temperature and offered to stand with Miss Leigh in the shower stall.  There was political controversy as well.  J. Edgar Hoover feared that the movie would be interpreted as an assault on American Motherhood.  The FBI Director was brought in as a consultant and proved quite useful in advising Anthony Perkins how to dress like one’s mother.  Mr. Hoover will be played by Rosie O’Donnell.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2011/03/03/bulgarian-rhapsody/

AP sources: Israel wouldn’t warn US on Iran strike

There might be some hints, however….

Dear President Obama,

In two weeks, we will be celebrating the bar mitzvah of the Weintraub twins:  Schuyler and Beaumont!  Our party theme will be aircraft carriers in the Persian Gulf.  We would really appreciate it if you could lend us a fleet for each child, and perhaps two more for any out of town guests.  It should be just for that weekend.

You might be concerned that the party will be a bit raucous and the neighbors might complain.  On the contrary, the usually cranky Mr. Saud has written us a blank check for the “festivities.”  Yes, he addressed it to the “Zionist Vampires” but there will be no problem cashing it.  Furthermore, he wrote a rather endearing note, “I still want to drive you into the sea but you can use my chauffeured limousine.”

Naturally, we understand if you would like a security deposit.  How about the electoral votes of New York, California and Illinois?

Just leave the carrier keys at the front gate.  Thanks.

Chutzpah Party Planners

Until last week, Girolamo Savonarola was a fairly obscure historical figure.  His identification would be worth a $2000 question on Jeopardy.  Somewhat remembered as a tyrannical fanatic in 15th century Florence, the Dominican friar now has had a revival–if only as a simile.  Rick Santorum has been compared to him.

Which of the two should feel more insulted?

https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/05/23/on-this-day-in-1498-2/

Dead for 32,000 Years, an Arctic Plant Is Revived

New York Times

Living plants have been generated from the fruit of a little arctic flower, the narrow-leafed campion, that died 32,000 years ago, a team of Russian scientists reports. The fruit was stored by an arctic ground squirrel in its burrow on the tundra of northeastern Siberia and lay permanently frozen until excavated by scientists a few years ago.

The scientists will next try this on Mitt Romney, but they are less hopeful.

Rick Santorum: Prenatal testing encourages abortions

Politico

Santorum Demonstrates the Value of Home Schooling

“The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical,” former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) told a South Carolina audience. “And that is what the perception is by the American left who hates Christendom.”

Referring to the “American left,” Santorum observed: “They hate Western civilization at the core. That’s the problem.” Santorum also suggested that American involvement in the Middle East is part of our “core American values.”

Jerusalem, 1099:  While the European crusaders were slaughtering the city’s Moslems, Jews and Greek Orthodox, the American crusaders were distributing Hershey bars.  The chroniclers noted the severed hands clutching the candy and found melted chocolate among the ashes of synagogues and mosques.  But with his winning All-American smile Sir Kilroy gushed, “That Hershey bar makes a great last meal.”

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2011/02/21/brilliant-plans-1916/

Charlie Chaplin’s real name a mystery says UK spies

Reuters

The real name and birthplace of legendary silent-film star Charlie Chaplin is shrouded in mystery, Britain’s domestic spy agency concluded after a probe into U.S. claims he was a communist sympathizer, documents released on Friday revealed.

British MI5 agents were asked in 1952 to investigate Chaplin’s background by the FBI, which believed he was using an alias and that his real name was Israel Thornstein, over long-running U.S. suspicions about the actor’s left-wing leanings.

Chaplin, one of Hollywood’s first and greatest stars famed for his “Little Tramp” character, believed he was born on April 16, 1889, in south London.

And here was the response from MI5…

Dear Mr. Hoover,

While we share your bewilderment with heterosexuality, we do not always find it subversive.  And it does apparently predate Communism.  But as for your other suspicion, Mr. Chaplin is small, dark and talented.  Indeed, his somewhat recent wife Paulette Goddard is actually Marion Levy.  But she was his third.  If I correctly remember “Oliver Twist”, only the first wife is expected to be Jewish.  So that would preclude Mr. Chaplin from being Mr. Caplan.

But while we are delving into international conspiracies, we would like you to verify our suspicions of the following radicals:  Sam and Jake Abrams, Benjamin Frankel, Gershon Vashinstein, Al “Chaim” Milton and Tevye Cheffershein.

Yours (at discreet bars),

Guy Burgess–not Bergess

Pekingese Malachy Wins Best in Show at Westminster Dog Pageant

Malachy explained–in perfect English–that his celebrity status would have no real effect on his life.  “I will continue the 80-hour-a-week job for Apple while using my free time to earn a PhD from M.I.T.  But I wouldn’t refuse an invitation for Celebrity Jeopardy.”

The champion explained his fluency in four languages.  “Of course, I was born speaking Mandarin.  I subscribe to the New York Times, Le Monde and Asahi Shimbun, and I read each thoroughly before I go on them.”

Family Values Book Project 

(This is an actual ad for writers.)

We have begun working with a politically oriented first-time author who is looking for help telling her unique, only-in-America story.

The client is a black, Orthodox Jewish, single mother who grew up in the Midwest, now splits her time between her home state and New York City, and serves on the Republican National Committee.

Now the client is interested in writing a book that gives a fuller account of her experiences and uses them as a jumping-off point to address a mix of weighty cultural, moral, and racial issues.

The client is seeking a collaborator to first hone a proposal (we are working on lining up an agent for the project) and then develop the full manuscript.

She would prefer to work with someone who shares and can effectively channel her views on the value of faith and family.

I don’t watch “Downton Abbey.”  Yes, I suppose that I am betraying my stereotype:  the history-infatuated, vicariously-social climbing Anglophile.  But bear in mind that I am also monogamous.  Nearly forty years ago, the young Eugene gave his heart and some 50 hours of his Sunday nights to “Upstairs, Downstairs” which basically is the same story of “Downton Abbey”:  a rich portrait of the classes and characters of a household that was a microcosm of early 20th century Britain.  The servants were often worse snobs than the aristocrats.  In the first season, the housemaid Rose bossed around some old gentleman who got in her way.  Fortunately, Edward VII was very good-natured.  This is not suggest that the “Upstairs” class was consistently warm and lovable.  When Lady Majorie died on the Titanic, I was surprised; encountering her, the iceberg should have succumbed to frostbite.  Her son James was a fatuous, callous rake.  One of the tragedies of the Great War was his surviving it.  (Corporal Hitler missed his chance at a good deed.)  Alastair Cooke, the host of Masterpiece Theatre, opined that Captain James might have justified a Bolshevik coup.  Alas, the closest thing to social justice was a blackmailing chauffeur, a charming rogue named Thomas.  Yes, four decades later, I have yet to forgive or forget.

So, what can “Downton Abbey” offer me?  First love only happens once.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/02/09/turkey-in-distraught-2/

Cracking the Code in ‘Heeere’s Johnny!’

New York Times

February 1, 1328:  Charles IV Ends the Family Curse…

His death was the end of the Capetian dynasty and the likely start of a Dan Brown novel.  (The family was said to be cursed by the Grandmaster of the Templars–while he was being burned alive; the man was entitled to be vindictive.)  Charles was the last of three brothers, whose reigns were a total of 13 years.  Between the three–Louis X, Philip V and the aforementioned Charles–they had been married six times.  Yet, they left no living sons.  There were five healthy daughters but they didn’t count–at least in the royal succession.  That was the result of a law in 1316 and a scandal two years earlier.

At the time, Louis had yet to become the Tenth; but he was already known as “The Quarrelsome.”  His wife Margaret obviously was unhappy but not exactly resigned.  There was a good looking Norman lord at court, and a convenient rendez-vous at the Tour de Nesle.  The Paris palais may have been discreet but Margaret wasn’t.  She told her sister-in-law Blanche, the bored wife of Charles, about the therapeutic locale and also recommended a Norman boy toy.  It is possible that the third sister-in-law Jeanne knew about the activities.  If so, she shared the dirty joke without becoming one.  Since I am telling you (and I am not a Norman stud), the secret evidently got out.  The informant was Isabelle, the sister of the cuckolded brothers.  She was married to the King of England, but she was the lesser queen of the two.  Now, if she had to endure a marital travesty, she was not going to let her sisters-in-law enjoy themselves.  Isabelle informed her father, King Philip IV, of the scandal.

The two Norman lovers were arrested, tortured into confessions and then publicly vivisected.  Margaret, Blanche and Jeanne were all accused of adultery; but since adultery requires at least two people, Jeanne had to be acquitted.  Margaret and Blanche did not have that defense.  They were condemned to life in convents.  The scandal as well as 14th century medicine probably hastened the death of King Philip.  Louis the Quarrelsome became king and he was impatient for an annulment.  By a remarkable coincidence, Margaret died the next year.  Louis was probably more surprised when he died in 1316.  The diagnosis was that the 27 year-old caught pleurisy playing tennis, although some sources think that Duchess Jeanne had served wine after the game.  But Jeanne was not Queen yet.  Louis’ new wife and newer widow was pregnant, and she did give birth to a son.  The infant king lived for only five days.  Some sources think that Duchess Jeanne handled the christening robes.

But Jeanne’s husband was still not the certain successor.  Louis ostensibly and his first wife definitely had a daughter.  The four-year had a better claim to the throne–if she was the daughter of Louis.  Her mother was guilty of adultery in 1314, but there was no evidence of any indiscretion two years prior to that.  Since the child was inconveniently legitimate, the only way to disinherit her was to change the law.  Although it was the 14th century, the aspiring Philip V decided that fifth century German law was the correct arbiter of royal succession.  And according to that law, the royal succession was limited to men and only through male descent.  So the princess could grow up and have sons (she did), but they still would be ineligible for the French throne.

Philip was now the rightful king, but with appropriate irony he and Jeanne had only daughters.  So his successor was brother Charles.  He understandably had his first marriage annulled, then married two more times and had a daughter to survive him.  The throne passed to his first cousin, the direct and purely testosterone-linked grandson of Philip III.  But there was still one male descendant of Philip IV, albeit through a daughter.  Edward III of England was the son of Isabelle, the termagent who tattled on her sisters-in-law, and he claimed the throne of France.  He and his descendants would spend the next hundred years in a brutal form of probate.

The French crown never bothered to change its convoluted succession.  Daughters and nieces were disqualified, as were their sons.  In 1589, when Henry III died without an heir, his cousin Henry de Bourbon rightfully claimed the throne because of his uninterrupted male descent from Louis IX, who died in 1270.  But after all that effort to disinherit the daughter of Louis X…Henry IV was also directly descended from her.