FinermanWorks

Vanity Pharisee

Warner Bros. has put on hold a controversial Mel Gibson movie project about the Jewish Maccabee revolt in the 2nd Century B.C. after reading the script by writer Joe Eszterhas, TheWrap has learned.

I have the script that Mel Gibson wants…

The Maccabres

Judah, played by Larry David, operates an orphanage and bakery. One day, while looking for some missing students, Aristotle (played by Ian McKellen) passes by and offers Judah all the benefits of Greek civilization: democracy, medicine, theater, philosophy, and physical fitness. In return, Aristotle only asks that Judah and his type be less vile.

Of course, Judah is appalled by the idea of physical fitness and so crucifies Aristotle. But he is willing to steal the other ideas. It turns out that Judah is quite good at theater and medicine, but he drives all the gentiles out. Worse, his form of democracy would only let Communists vote. As for philosophy, Judah makes it completely incoherent; so people mistake him for a financier. With Judah controlling all the banks, the Greeks, the elves and the hobbits have no choice but to revolt against his tyranny.

Alexander the Great (played by Mel Gibson), Confucius (Jackie Chan) and Joan of Arc (Jodie Foster) lead the successful crusade. They burn Judah at the stake and the fire miraculously lasts eight days.

Yes, there are preposterous historical inaccuracies; did you expect otherwise from Mel Gibson?

Mitt Romney, confronted with his unpopularity among women, Hispanics and other vertebrates, hopes to reverse those trends by nominating three running mates.  He explained his polygame changing strategy, “Corporations have more than one vice president, and so should America. I want everyone to feel that they have their very own vice president.”   

His first choice–the Hispanic Vice President–proved somewhat controversial in that Cesar Romero is dead.  “But I just saw him on ‘Batman'” exclaimed Romney!  The campaign later announced that Mr. Romero would remain on the ticket, “because the Constitution doesn’t require a Vice President to be animate.” 

The second vice presidential nominee was praised as “a forceful, commanding executive, one of America’s most memorable women, and a paragon of Southern charm.”  No one could dispute Gov. Romney’s description of Scarlett O’Hara, and her non-existence is no longer considered a drawback.  Many–if not most–of our politicians are fictional characters; Miss O’Hara is simply the first to be openly so.  There was some question about her use of slaves and chain gangs, but Romney extolled her for “providing the kind of full-employment that America needs again.”

Romney then announced his third nominee.  “Every corporation needs one folksy vice president, someone who’ll mingle at the company picnic.  “With that in mind, I am choosing whoever won the last Indy 500.   I haven’t the least idea who he is, but you probably do–and you’re the ones I’m pandering to.”

Finally, he announced the possibility of additional vice presidents.  “It all depends on who else I offend.”

In the order they were written…

The Gospel of Mark:

And the stone was rolled away, and Yeshua grumbled, “Oy, such a weekend.”

The Gospel of Matthew:

So out schlepped Jeshy.  “At least I got out of two days of matzoh.  Talk about Hell, which is a lot like the Pharisees’ recipe for brisket:  eternal roasting and completely tasteless.”

The Gospel of Luke:

Looking none the worse for the tomb’s post-Spartan decor, Christos exclaimed “By Jove, I would love some souvlaki and ouzo.”

The Gospel of John:

And the Lord first saw Mary Magdalene and said unto  her, “Megs, look what the Jews did to my wrists! Now they will probably try to sell me some cufflinks.  Those people!”

Addressing its gender gap among American women, the Republican Party now disputes women have a right to vote.  “Yes, there was some sort of amendment in 1920” stated Justice Antonin Scalia, “and I suppose anyone who was alive back then would still be entitled to vote.  But from a strict constructionist interpretation, that right does not apply to anyone born since then.”

Chief Justice John Roberts added even 92 year women “cannot  just waltz into the voting booth.  These prospective voters would need ten pieces of identification to verify their age.  That would include their Wellesley yearbooks, notarized cotillion dance cards, medical records of hickeys from F. Scott Fitzgerald.  A written note from their father would also be required.”

Election judges will also have the right to challenge the voter’s gender.  “Medical probes probably won’t be necessary.  A few cellphone photos of the appropriate areas should suffice.”

I have been waiting for the French to get even with us.  For years we have been adapting their films into American.  “La Grande Illusion”, the elegaic portrait of French society amidst the chaos of World War I, simply needed some car chases to become “Smokey and the Bandit.”  And Last Year at Marienbad” actually is a little more coherent as “Meatballs.”

Well, I think that the French now have their revanche.  As I was watching “La Princesse de Montpensier”, I felt an increasing familiarity with the story.  Marie thinks school is a drag; she got to be a countess without learning to write.  That really cool Henri loves her the way she is.  Alas,  her parents would rather she dated that drip Francois.  He is a prince and Henri is only a duke.  And there is that nosy Mrs. deMedici who has an opinion about everything. 

Mon Dieu, I was watching a French version of a 1960s Frankie and Annette movie.  There were a few differences.  “La Princesse” takes place in 16th century France rather than on a California beach, and the sport is killing Huguenots instead of surfing.  Of course, being French this version of Annette didn’t wait until marriage.

Let’s transpose the American cast into the French setting.  Annette Funicello is countess Marie, Frankie Avalon is Henri Duc de Guise, Bob Denver is the Prince of Montpensier, Peggy Cass is Catherine de Medici and Paul Lynde is Nostradamus.

And now we can wait for the American remake of the French remake.

Romney Wins Illinois Primary

Coasting to victory on the slogan “Nauseating but Sane”, Willard “Mitt” Romney expressed his appreciation of Illinois’ culture.  “There’s the freedom, and pioneer courage, and the American spirit in a deep dish pizza.”    His campaign then paid everyone in the audience one hundred dollars to pretend that they hadn’t heard that.  The gesture was praised by Fox News as Romney’s plan to revive the economy.

The rising price of gasoline was an issue during the primary.  (In a completely unrelated story, Koch Industries is donating another $500 million dollars to the G.O.P. this year.)  Romney, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich each offered his idea of an energy policy.  Romney’s plan reflected his own entrepreneurial achievements.  “Each day, I personally ooze four barrels of oil.  Even if I use half of that on my hair, that still leaves two barrels for America.  I urge my fellow citizens to follow my example and start oozing our way to energy independence.”

Santorum’s proposal reflected his traditional values.  “We should burn heretics.  Use them instead of street lamps and headlights.  And they are biodegradable.”

Gingrich’s plan was as expansive and visionary as the man himself.  “We have all these alien technologies in Area 51. Whatever engines the Romulans are using in their warships, we should adapt to our spacecraft and cars.  If lithium is supposed to work on me, why not in our impulse hyperdrives and fusion ion thrusters?  What we don’t have yet, we can get by waterboarding  the Ferengi.”

It was rumored that Governor Romney had a rational response to the Santorum and Gingrich plans, but his campaign suppressed it for fear of offending the Conservative base. 

We have had a remarkably warm March in Chicago; the temperature has been in the 80s and I just killed a mosquito.   However I have been accosted and overwhelmed by a far worse pest:  automated phone calls for the upcoming primary.  For the last week, we have been continually plagued by robocalls, and they are intentionally inconvenient and obnoxious. 

None has said, “Hi, I am interrupting your dinner to tell why I should be your state senator.”

No, the calls would exclaim, “If you knew all the sordid details about candidate Drake Preenwell, you wouldn’t be able to eat.  And he wouldn’t care!  Why he probably would be laughing at you!  Now, what kind of person would be making fun of you while you are lying in your own vomit?  Certainly, not someone you would want for your state senator.  And definitely not Drake Preenwell.” 

“Paid for the Committee to Save You from Drake Preenwell.”

You won’t appreciate the annoyance; and you will be furious when that robocall is left ten times on your answering machine.  And who will you punish?  Drake Preenwell, of course.  You may not realize it but the repeated attacks have nurtured your suspicions about him.  Of course, you know that the call was shamelessly biased and ruthlessly distorted, but there still is that gnawing, visceral doubt?  What if there some truth to the attack?  Maybe Preenwell is half as disgusting as the robo-call said?  Or a third as vile, or even an eighth as grotesque?  Is there an acceptable fraction?    You no longer trust Preenwell, and you are less likely to vote for him.  So, in its devious way, the robo-call has succeeded.

For the last week, my answering machine and I have been subjected to canned recriminations by two democratic candidates for a congressional seat.  One reputedly is a secret Republican, and the other is suspiciously criminal.  Congratulations to the two:  I now am repelled by them both.  I intend to vote for a third candidate–who probably couldn’t afford the robocalls. 

p.s.  If you are nostalgic for old-fashioned ways of lying:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/08/03/the-libel-arts/

A rather significant birthday approaches, and I face the prospect of being 20 for the third time.  It is daunting to realize that I have outlived Henry VIII.  At least I am still younger than William Frawley was on “I Love Lucy.”

However I just received a wonderful consolation from my friend–and fellow Jeopardy relic–Leah Greenwald.  She knows my love of both Byzantine history and marzipan, and so she crafted this masterpiece: an iconfection of the Empress Theodora.

Here is the birthday geezer with his marzipan pinup.

If you are not familiar with Theodora, allow me to introduce her.

https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2007/02/05/the-first-draft/

Yes, I am reluctant to eat this wonderful iconfection.  But at Leah’s urging, I will commit this act of trampsubstantiation.

So you can see that my birthday–this Saturday–is off to a delightful start.

Romney Encourages Rivals to Fold

Dear Newton,

Well, this certainly been a nifty competition.  It reminds me of my wild times at Harvard Business, and those all-night Risk games.  Being MBAs, we developed a more sophisticated version–with navies and sweatshops.   But you and I have gotten to a point in this game where I command all the countries, and Sheldon Adelson can’t buy you any new continents.  

So, let’s discuss your severance package.  If you quit now AND endorse me, I promise you that moon colony.  Yes, I will name it for you, and give you complete control.  But building that colony–and first getting the money from the Chinese–will take the better part of two terms.  So, what can I offer you in the meantime?  You know my daughters-in-law and nieces are younger than Callista.

Yours (if you are practical),

Mitt

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Dear Richard,

 Well, this certainly has been a nifty competition.  And now I think that you should give up this election for Lent.  It is what Jesus would want.  (Yes, we posthumously converted him, too.)  If you quit and endorse me, I would love to have you as my Attorney General. Or Grand Inquisitor.  We can change the job title.   Of course, we will have to agree beforehand on the definition of heresy.  Please, not all college graduates; maybe just the liberal arts majors.  (I am little more pro-science than you are.)

Besides, Grand Inquisitor is just a temp job for you.  Benedict XVI is not going to live forever.  I can promise that Bain Capital would be very happy to support you in that election.  The firm would be fine with some Raphaels and Michelangelos, and maybe a few cathedrals converted into condos; we already have the buyers in China. 

It is win-win.  Me in this world, and you in the next.

Mitt