Posts Tagged ‘Mitt Romney’

Sermon on the Mountebank

Posted in General on September 14th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments

Romney faces challenge of winning over evangelicals

The chances for Mitt Romney could be hurt by his Mormon faith.

Chicago Tribune

Responding to questions and prejudice, Mitt Romney will speak about his Mormon faith.  A focus group is telling him what he believes.

Pollster and candidate trainer Frank Luntz recruited 15 insurance agents from a Rotary Club luncheon to find out what they wanted in a Mormon.

Luntz first questioned the focus group about its impression of Mormons.  The group knew that Mormons had big families and liked to sing, but somehow weren’t Italian.  Luntz then asked the group if it preferred Mr. Romney to be Italian.  Romney offered to curl his hair.

Then came a sort of discussion of the Mormon faith.  Since only Mormons are allowed to know the tenets of their religion, Luntz could only describe what he had read on Wikipedia: specifically that Jesus did not drink coffee.  The focus group considered that UnAmerican.  Mr. Romney volunteered to serve decaf for the Second Coming.

Luntz asked the group what it wanted in a Mormon Jesus.  Everyone agreed that He had to speak English and be an excellent golfer.  He also had to a legal alien.  Romney promised to personally check Jesus’ immigration papers and deport Him if necessary.

Confusing Mormonism with Scientology, several members of the focus group thought that a Mormon Jesus travelled in a space ship.  However, since this was not a majority opinion, Mr. Romney vaguely disagreed.

Finally, Luntz asked the audience what Mr. Romney should say.  The focus group recommended a concession speech.

Mitt Romney’s Demographic Government

Posted in General on November 27th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

When asked if he’d consider having a Muslim in the Cabinet, Mitt Romney replied, “Based on the numbers of American Muslims … in our population, I cannot see that a cabinet position would be justified.”

American Muslims do constitute less than two percent of the U.S. population. With just 16 seats in the Cabinet, a Romney appointee would have to represent a constituency of at least six percent. Sorry, Jews, you are out of the Romney Cabinet, too. (Just be content with ten percent of American doctors.)

Here is the official ancestry of the Romney cabinet: two and a half Germans, two Irish, two African, one real Angle-Saxon (no Scandinavian substitutes), one legal Mexican and one Italian. Four of the members of the cabinet will be Catholic, two will be Baptist, eight will be the variety pack of Protestant, and two won’t give a damn.

The Romney cabinet would also need one or two homosexuals; only one has to admit it. Twenty-five percent of the cabinet will be undeniably fat. Only one cabinet member will be alcoholic (this might be a drastic reduction). One third of the cabinet members will experience sexual dysfunction, preferably during the cabinet meetings.

And, since Mormons constitute less than six percent of the U.S. population, President Romney would not be allowed at Cabinet meetings.