Posts Tagged ‘Mitt Romney’

Polygame Changer

Posted in General on April 11th, 2012 by Eugene Finerman – 5 Comments

Mitt Romney, confronted with his unpopularity among women, Hispanics and other vertebrates, hopes to reverse those trends by nominating three running mates.  He explained his polygame changing strategy, “Corporations have more than one vice president, and so should America. I want everyone to feel that they have their very own vice president.”   

His first choice–the Hispanic Vice President–proved somewhat controversial in that Cesar Romero is dead.  “But I just saw him on ‘Batman’” exclaimed Romney!  The campaign later announced that Mr. Romero would remain on the ticket, “because the Constitution doesn’t require a Vice President to be animate.” 

The second vice presidential nominee was praised as “a forceful, commanding executive, one of America’s most memorable women, and a paragon of Southern charm.”  No one could dispute Gov. Romney’s description of Scarlett O’Hara, and her non-existence is no longer considered a drawback.  Many–if not most–of our politicians are fictional characters; Miss O’Hara is simply the first to be openly so.  There was some question about her use of slaves and chain gangs, but Romney extolled her for “providing the kind of full-employment that America needs again.”

Romney then announced his third nominee.  “Every corporation needs one folksy vice president, someone who’ll mingle at the company picnic.  “With that in mind, I am choosing whoever won the last Indy 500.   I haven’t the least idea who he is, but you probably do–and you’re the ones I’m pandering to.”

Finally, he announced the possibility of additional vice presidents.  “It all depends on who else I offend.”

 

Doing Business With Mitt

Posted in General on March 10th, 2012 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Romney Encourages Rivals to Fold

Dear Newton,

Well, this certainly been a nifty competition.  It reminds me of my wild times at Harvard Business, and those all-night Risk games.  Being MBAs, we developed a more sophisticated version–with navies and sweatshops.   But you and I have gotten to a point in this game where I command all the countries, and Sheldon Adelson can’t buy you any new continents.  

So, let’s discuss your severance package.  If you quit now AND endorse me, I promise you that moon colony.  Yes, I will name it for you, and give you complete control.  But building that colony–and first getting the money from the Chinese–will take the better part of two terms.  So, what can I offer you in the meantime?  You know my daughters-in-law and nieces are younger than Callista.

Yours (if you are practical),

Mitt

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Dear Richard,

 Well, this certainly has been a nifty competition.  And now I think that you should give up this election for Lent.  It is what Jesus would want.  (Yes, we posthumously converted him, too.)  If you quit and endorse me, I would love to have you as my Attorney General. Or Grand Inquisitor.  We can change the job title.   Of course, we will have to agree beforehand on the definition of heresy.  Please, not all college graduates; maybe just the liberal arts majors.  (I am little more pro-science than you are.)

Besides, Grand Inquisitor is just a temp job for you.  Benedict XVI is not going to live forever.  I can promise that Bain Capital would be very happy to support you in that election.  The firm would be fine with some Raphaels and Michelangelos, and maybe a few cathedrals converted into condos; we already have the buyers in China. 

It is win-win.  Me in this world, and you in the next.

Mitt

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sermon on the Mountebank

Posted in General on September 14th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments

Romney faces challenge of winning over evangelicals

The chances for Mitt Romney could be hurt by his Mormon faith.

Chicago Tribune

Responding to questions and prejudice, Mitt Romney will speak about his Mormon faith.  A focus group is telling him what he believes.

Pollster and candidate trainer Frank Luntz recruited 15 insurance agents from a Rotary Club luncheon to find out what they wanted in a Mormon.

Luntz first questioned the focus group about its impression of Mormons.  The group knew that Mormons had big families and liked to sing, but somehow weren’t Italian.  Luntz then asked the group if it preferred Mr. Romney to be Italian.  Romney offered to curl his hair.

Then came a sort of discussion of the Mormon faith.  Since only Mormons are allowed to know the tenets of their religion, Luntz could only describe what he had read on Wikipedia: specifically that Jesus did not drink coffee.  The focus group considered that UnAmerican.  Mr. Romney volunteered to serve decaf for the Second Coming.

Luntz asked the group what it wanted in a Mormon Jesus.  Everyone agreed that He had to speak English and be an excellent golfer.  He also had to a legal alien.  Romney promised to personally check Jesus’ immigration papers and deport Him if necessary.

Confusing Mormonism with Scientology, several members of the focus group thought that a Mormon Jesus travelled in a space ship.  However, since this was not a majority opinion, Mr. Romney vaguely disagreed.

Finally, Luntz asked the audience what Mr. Romney should say.  The focus group recommended a concession speech.

Mitt Romney’s Demographic Government

Posted in General on November 27th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

When asked if he’d consider having a Muslim in the Cabinet, Mitt Romney replied, “Based on the numbers of American Muslims … in our population, I cannot see that a cabinet position would be justified.”

American Muslims do constitute less than two percent of the U.S. population. With just 16 seats in the Cabinet, a Romney appointee would have to represent a constituency of at least six percent. Sorry, Jews, you are out of the Romney Cabinet, too. (Just be content with ten percent of American doctors.)

Here is the official ancestry of the Romney cabinet: two and a half Germans, two Irish, two African, one real Angle-Saxon (no Scandinavian substitutes), one legal Mexican and one Italian. Four of the members of the cabinet will be Catholic, two will be Baptist, eight will be the variety pack of Protestant, and two won’t give a damn.

The Romney cabinet would also need one or two homosexuals; only one has to admit it. Twenty-five percent of the cabinet will be undeniably fat. Only one cabinet member will be alcoholic (this might be a drastic reduction). One third of the cabinet members will experience sexual dysfunction, preferably during the cabinet meetings.

And, since Mormons constitute less than six percent of the U.S. population, President Romney would not be allowed at Cabinet meetings.