FinermanWorks

Audition Call: We need 300 “reenactors” for the anniversary of the Council of Nicaea. Yes, the Council opened on this day in 325. Any prospective reenactors should be in excellent health. The Council was literally a La Cross tournament, with the bishops wielding their crosiers as sticks. The Emperor Constantine was both host and referee.

It would be charming to include a descendant of Constantine in the celebrations. Unfortunately, there aren’t any. Constantine did have a large family, but they preoccupied themselves with killing each other off. The Emperor had six children, two grandchildren and no great-grandchildren. That is internecine efficiency. It is the same story for the Emperor’s nephews and nieces, just shorter, with Constantine killing a few himself.

Fortunately, there should be no lack of descendants of the attending bishops. In 325, many bishops and most priests were married. There were a few curmudgeons who advocated celibacy, but they were a distinct minority. The presiding bishop of the Council, Patriarch Alexander of Alexandria, actually encouraged priests to be married. If the Council never issued an official endorsement of married clergy, that was only because it was too obvious to be necessary.

The Church had more important–serious–issues to resolve. By A.D. 325, Christianity was out of the catacombs and in the establishment, the favorite theology of the Emperor Constantine. Unfortunately, religious tolerance gave Christians the freedom to persecute each other. It was not the spiritual monolith that Constantine had expected. The exasperated emperor summoned the bishops to Nicaea, ordering the fractious theologians to agree to a binding definition of the Holy Trinity.

Since the Trinity was now the doctrine of the Church, the Greek intellectuals could fight over the nature of the Trinity. That would be good for about five centuries of debates, denunciations and schisms.

And what is a religion without relics. Here is one of mine:

https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2006/10/27/lets-get-metaphysical/

Neil Jordan knows a good story, and he never lets the facts interfere.  I should be outraged by his travesty of history in “The Borgias” but his fabrications are actually quite entertaining.  For example, Jordan imagines the Borgias murdering an exiled Turkish prince for a bounty that will pay for Lucretia’s dowry.  There actually was a Turkish prince living in Rome, a pampered prisoner whose upkeep was paid by his surprisingly kindly brother the Sultan.  (The usual etiquette for superfluous Turkish princes was to have them strangled with a bowstring.)  However, this prince died–of natural causes– in 1495 but Lucretia’s first marriage was in 1493.  So much for that dowry plot, however clever.

Jordan also appreciates a great historical character and will include him in the series, even if it is wildly inaccurate.  Apparently Nicolo Machiavelli was prime minister of Florence in 1494, and the brains behind the Medici.  Well, Machiavelli was alive at the time but he didn’t enter the Florentine civil service until 1498.  And the Medici couldn’t stand him.  The Florentine bureaucrat was a committed republican and only had steady work when the Medici were out of power.  The fact that he would dedicate “The Prince” to an idiot scion of the family, vainly hoping for patronage, shows how desperate and destitute Machiavelli had become.

However, I truly marvel at the series’ depiction of the French King Charles VIII.  We see an old, ugly, shrewd, remorseless cynic, the type of horrible person who makes an excellent king.  But the real Charles VIII was a young, attractive, vacuous jock–and the series already has one of those:  Juan Borgia.  So who was the inspiration of this horrible but fascinating character?  We actually are seeing a portrayal of Louis XI, the father of the dumb jock.  Unfortunately, the repellent but brilliant Louis inconvenienced Neil Jordan by dying in 1483, nine years before the story begins.  But, as we certainly know, historical accuracy is expendable–especially when it interferes with the story.  The Spider King–as the crafty Louis was known–was too interesting to exclude from the series.  Neil Jordan simply grafted Louis’ character onto the dumb jock.  France should have been so lucky.

Showtime has commissioned a second season of “The Borgias”, so expect Jordan to arrange guest appearances by Thomas More, Erasmus and Michelangelo.  (Leonardo actually worked for the Borgias, so for lack of a creative challenge Jordan may skip him.)  And I imagine this scene.  Cardinal Cesare Borgia, after smoking hashish with the Ottoman ambassador, wolfs down an entire platter of consecrated wafers.  This occurs in front of a young German theology major who had hoped to take communion.  Between us, I bet that young German keeps a grudge.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the romantic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/05/12/wedding-announcements-2/

May 8, 1945 : V-E Day is celebrated in American and Britain On this day in 1945,German troops throughout Europe finally laid down their arms.  Both Great Britain and the United States celebrate Victory in Europe Day. Cities in both nations, as well as formerly occupied cities in Western Europe, put out flags and banners, rejoicing in the defeat of the Nazi war machine.

Of course, the German terms of surrender required a few first drafts….

1. How many umlauts in Oops?
2. Thanks for an exciting match.  How about three out of five?
3. But, all in all, this was great product placement for Daimler-Benz.
4. I don’t suppose that you’ll believe that we are just a troop of Swiss boy scouts….

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/05/08/knuckles-lavoisier-2/

Let’s not forget the sentimental significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/05/09/happy-mothers-day-2/

The most interesting spam of the day:

We are looking for gifted psychics, mediums, and intuitives to join our employment and standards network. Join us at….

A gifted psychic, medium or intuitive would have known my reaction to this:  ridicule!

However, I actually do possess an unique gift of prophecy. In fact, I surpass Cassandra.  She correctly prophesized but no one ever believed her.  I correctly prophesize and don’t believe it myself.   I call it “propathy.”  Of course, you don’t believe me either but I predicted that. 

However, let me give you some examples of my propathetic powers.  In 1987, back when I was still an undefeated God of Jeopardy and awaiting its Tournament of Champions, I thought “Maybe I should study up on football and aviation.”  But I didn’t.  And guess what categories appear in the final games.  And guess who blew a “daily double” on aviation, and guess who was a veritable deaf-mute on the football questions, and guess who ended up in third place.  The clairvoyants among you already know.

What else?  I am a connoisseur of idiots:  stock brokers, certain in-laws, Dartmouth graduates.  Following their advice–and doing the opposite–I could have made fortunes.  I knew a stockbroker who was always wrong.  I merely had to short every company he recommended.  But rather than hurt his feelings, I twice made investments with him; and both companies went bankrupt.  Apparently, I prefer to be polite than rich: the curse of propathy!

Then, there is the Dartmouth rule of investment.  Keep in mind that Dartmouth prides itself on being the role model for “Animal House.”  At least in Hanover, New Hampshire,  blue blood is a symptom of cirrhosis.  In my adventures, I have met a number of Dartmouth graduates, and people who call themselves Kit, Duke and Bobo can be fairly endearing.  I might tag along with themselves to parties, but I would insist on driving; and I know better than to invest with them.  So when I heard that Jack Welch was retiring, and the next chairman of GE was an alumnus of you-know-where, I really was tempted to short the stock.  I could have been rich.  If stock prices were measured in terms of alcoholic content, GE went from whiskey to beer.  (It now is back to the level of sherry.)  Of course, being propathetic, I didn’t short the stock.  I didn’t even sell my shares.  Oh well, I wasn’t that eager to retire. 

Now that you revere me as an oracle, I should warn you that I never have sports premonitions.  (My favorite Chicago team is the Capone gang.)  And my stock market forebodings are not regularly scheduled.  Even when they do occur, I probably will be too skeptical and doubt-ridden to mention them.  But look on the bright side.  If I made you rich, your grandchildren might end up at Dartmouth.

May 5, 1862:  The French Army Has a Faux Pas

Imagine that you have been mugged 47 times but once managed to fight off an attacker.  Wouldn’t you have a holiday to commemorate your token triumph?  Perhaps you wouldn’t but Mexico does.  On this day in 1862, a threadbare, outnumbered Mexican force thwarted a French attack on the town of Puebla. 

But what were the French doing there in the first place?  Napoleon III–unlike Hamlet–admired his uncle and tried to be a world conqueror, too.  Mexico had defaulted on its international debts, and  France decided to collect the entire country.  America’s Monroe Doctrine would have opposed France’s invasion, but we were somewhat preoccupied with the Civil War.  Besides, Napoleon III could tell that the South was going to win; so why worry about the former United States. 

Of course, the battle of Puebla was an embarrassment to the French but hardly a decisive defeat.  The rebuffed invaders  simply awaited reinforcements; the next battle of Puebla would be a French victory.  So was the battle of Mexico City.  With much of the country under their control, in 1864 the French established a puppet government with the affable and very gullible Austrian Archduke Maximilian as the “Emperor of Mexico”. 

Mexican patriots, rallying around President Benito Juarez, remained defiant if not particularly intimidating.  But in 1865, the American government was prepared to offer Juarez more than sympathy:  General Grant and an army of 50,000 were ready to enforce the Monroe Doctrine.  And suddenly the French decided to leave.  Unfortunately, the Emperor Maximilian did not.  He was certain that the Mexican people would like him once they got to know him.  He might have been right; but that evidently wasn’t the case with his firing squad. 

(The humiliated French would attempt to take out their frustration on the Prussians.  Any idea how well that worked out?  I wonder if Juarez sent Bismarck a complimentary sombrero.)

So today Mexico celebrates doing to the French what it wished it had done to us.  

From the desk of Roger Ailes

Why the hurry to get rid of Osama bin Laden’s body?  Who knows what the DNA might have revealed?  Get Frank Luntz to research whether our audience prefers Osama to be the father or the twin brother of Obama.   

Also, wasn’t the public entitled to see the body?  What a great exhibit at the Smithsonian!  And imagine what the Disney folks could do with animatronics!   So much better than taxidermy.  The corpse could have been programmed to dance or say liberal things.  That’s the problem with this administration: no sense of entertainment.  It would rather raise taxes than charge admission. 

How’s this…Obama shortchanges the AMERICAN public because he is sensitive/squeamish about terrorist/Moslem corpses.  Here is something from the research department (good idea hiring Jeopardy hasbeens):  Arabs have no respect for Western corpses!   I see Gretchen Carlson saying this….

In 260 the Roman Emperor Valerian invaded Persia.  He must have been looking for weapons of mass destruction, because he and his army certainly found them.  At least the Emperor survived but as a prisoner. The Persian Shah used Valerian as a footstool. Since it was not a pampered captivity, Valerian soon died and then began his second career. He was stuffed and mounted as a public trophy.

(Note to programming:  change Emperor to President and Shah to tyrant.  Makes it easier for our audience to empathize.)

But Obama wouldn’t do that, cheating the American public of their trophy!  And the President Valerian comparison–repeatedly stressed– makes Obama seem either pro-Iranian or Anti-Italian.  Hell, why not both!  Our viewers can manage two phobias at once.

Next topic:  Baseball programming.  Cover left field less often than right, and make sure it looks worse.

Apr 27, 1667:

John Milton sells the copyright to Paradise Lost

Poet John Milton sells the copyright to his masterpiece Paradise Lost (1667) for a mere 10 pounds.

Obama the Anti-Christ? Maybe in New Jersey

New Jerseyans are apparently having a difficult time figuring out whether the president is the devil or not, the Washington Independent reports. To be sure, a Public Policy Polling questionnaire has 79% of respondents responding “No” to the question “Do you think Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ?” Among “conservative” voters, 18% are sure of it, while 17% are undecided.

Of course, Barack Obama is not the Auntie Christ. How could anyone possibly mistake him for a 2,000 year-old-Jewish woman?

The Auntie Christ actually would be Marla, the older sister of the Virgin Mary. As Mary consoled her Son on the cross, “Believe me, living with Marla is worse.” Marla was the terror of Galilee; no one else had decent taste in togas or a palatable recipe for brisket. Worse, once she bullied her way into being the Chairlady of the Temple Sisterhood, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur had to be scheduled at times convenient for her. (She had season tickets for the Caesarea Repertory Theater and belonged to a Mahjong club.) Never known as the Virgin Marla, for a year or so she dated Herod the Great. Archaelogists attribute to her influence the more garish bathrooms at Masada.

Nothing Mary ever did was good enough for her domineering sister. When told that Mary was with child from the Holy Spirit, Marla said “A Greek God would be better looking.” Indignant at the prospect of an unwed mother in “her” family, Marla threatened to sue God for palimony. A settlement was reached; Mary received a complimentary husband and Marla was promised (God’s word of honor) that all of her descendants would get into the best colleges.

Marla was just as brutal an aunt as she was a sister. When Jesus turned the water into wine, guess who complained about the glassware? Upon seeing Lazarus raised from the dead, Marla chided her nephew, “If you had been a doctor, maybe he wouldn’t have died in the first place.”

Naturally, the writers of the Gospels remembered Aunt Marla as the incarnation of evil. And if her presence heralds the end of the world, who among us fits the description of an ancient, terrifying yenta? It must be Joan Rivers.

Jews throughout the world (in any place big enough for a store) now are celebrating Passover. We recount the miraculous story of how we entered the Sinai looking like Charlton Heston and left looking like Edward G. Robinson.  We speak of Passover as a Feast because Jews have a wonderful sense of humor. Matzoh is the original styrofoam. If the Exodus actually occurred, archaeologists would be finding 3500 year-old matzoh crumbs throughout the Sinai.

But there is no historical evidence to corroborate the story of Passover. You just cannot believe everything that the Bible and Cecil B. DeMille tell you. Egypt was a highly literate and sophisticated society, with a bureaucracy of scribes who would have recorded everything on time-withstanding papyrus.  Someone in the quartermaster’s office would have written–in triplicate–a request to replace those water-logged chariots. And Pharaoh’s media department would have proclaimed “Mission Accomplished” in driving the Jews away.

This is not to suggest that the Jews did not exist at the time. At the height of its empire (from the 15th to the 13th century B.C.) Egypt held hegemony over Canaan. The cities of Canaan repeatedly appealed for Egyptian help against invaders known as the Habiru. Although the Canaanite and Egyptian records never allude to any theological idiosyncrasies among these nomads, there is little doubt as to who the Habiru were and would become.

So there is historical evidence of the Hebrews’ conquest of Canaan. But the invasion came from the East (as a proper Semitic invasion would), not from the West. Why did the Jews claim to be escaped slaves from Egypt? Were the ancient Jews as status conscious as the current readers of The New York Times? Did they fancy the glamour of Egypt over their hardscrabble nomadic life?

On the contrary, the Torah revels in the primitive Bedouin culture of the Jews. Their enemies–the Egyptians, Canaanites and Philistines–lived in cities, an indication of their corrupt natures. The ancient Jews never aspired to Egyptian refinement. However, they may have thought it worth looting. In the 17th century Egypt was conquered by a Semitic horde known as the Hyksos. Perhaps in that invading army, among all those Semitic freebooters, was a contingent of Habiru. (Someone had to operate the P.X. and organize the U.S.O. shows.) And when, a century later, the Hyksos were driven out, the Habiru survivors might have spoken of their hasty departure.

Of course, there could be a theological basis for the story of the Jews’ triumph over the Egyptians. God was padding his resume.