As the Republican presidential race narrows down to Jethro Bodine and Eddie Haskell, voters are eager to learn each candidate’s plan for improving the economy.  Gov. Bodine speaks proudly of his record in Texas:  “We execute the unemployed.  So either you get a job or you provide the public some free entertainment.”  The governor also presented his plan for economic expansion: it turned out a history of the War of 1812, with the chapters on invading Canada underlined.  When asked for an explanation, Bodine retorted “I don’t care what a bunch of geographers say.  I don’t believe in Canada, and I don’t see why we don’t take all that empty land.”

After consulting a focus group, former Governor Haskell defended the existence of Canada.  He spoke glowingly of maple syrup, which reminds many people of Haskell’s personality.  He then expounded on his own economic record: the creation of 15,000 jobs at Haskell Metalworks, Waste Disposal, Pharmaceuticals and Catering.  When asked why it was headquartered in Shanghai, Haskell blamed the American economy.

“If only we got back to our founding principles, and my economic plan will do that.  I call it the Secure Employment and Resettlement Foundation.  Under the SERF system, anyone who needs a job or a home would be welcome to stay on the private estates of designated participants.  In return for this hospitality, the guests would be obliged to express their thanks with a little work: cleaning pools or moats, yard work, windows, crops.  In certain locations, the SERF assignments would include building walls along the Mexican border.

“Guests can be reassured: SERF housing and employment would be in perpetuity.  The system includes a food plan–and it is a dietitian’s dream:  all the advantages of root vegetables and none of the risks of meat.  As for healthcare, life expectancy would not be an issue.”

Asked if the SERF system would pay its workers the minimum wage, Haskell replied, “You don’t need to pay your guests.”  The editorial page of the Wall Street Journal praised the plan, noting that it had been used in a previous Dark Ages “And look how well things turned out.”

Lauren Bush marries David Lauren

CBS

The 27-year-old bride, who will go by the name Lauren Bush-Lauren, wore an “intricately embroidered Victorian-style gown” designed by her father-in-law Ralph Lauren.   The groom, 39, wore a “vintage Lincoln era-inspired tuxedo.”

Her parents, Sharon and Neil, who divorced in 2003, walked her down the aisle for the Jewish ceremony.

Guests at the ranch included the bride’s aunt and uncle, former President George W. Bush and first lady Laura Bush, cousins Jenna and Barbara Bush and uncle Jeb Bush, the former governor of Florida.  Her grandparents, former President George H.W. Bush and first lady Barbara Bush, were unable to attend but reportedly sent a video message that was played during Saturday night’s rehearsal dinner.

Could this be the video?

Gramps:  Sorry kids….

Barbara Pierce Bush:  Really Lauren!   Your father is a lecher and an embezzler, your uncle destroyed the country but at least they never married a Lifshitz.

Gramps:  They call themselves Lauren now.

Barbara Pierce Bush:  A leopard can’t change its spots–but the Katz can change their name.

Gramps:  Now, now, they are just trying to be Americans.

Barbara Pierce Bush:  Katz, Lifshitz.  It is all the same–not our type.  Really George, I don’t know why you even let that Greenspan fellow into the White House.  I am sure that he was stealing the silverware.  And now they have taken our granddaughter.

Gramps:  I imagine that Lauren was willing….

Barbara Pierce Bush:   Haven’t you read “Oliver Twist”?  Remember Shylock?

Gramps:  “Merchant of Venice” dear…and I read them both.  I was a Phi Beta Kappa at Yale.

Barbara Pierce Bush:  That would only impress a Jew.  Lauren, our wedding gift will be these annulment papers.

Gramps:  Our lawyer, Mr. Ginsberg, thought that it was rather amusing.

Barbara Pierce Bush:  I can imagine what he charged us….

Gramps:  Nothing!  Said that he was doing the Lifshitz a favor.

I found a spam buffet awaiting me here.  I will spare you the offers of male enhancement; besides, I don’t want anyone to think that I shoplifted a flagpole.

Here are the less sordid missives.

Since the MSM is totally skewed, what blogs/websites have you found that give you information that the MSM ignores?

I, too, noticed that the Main Stream Media wrote nothing last week about Ferdinand II and the Thirty Years War.  Well, that certainly proves that the Reformation was a plot by New York liberals! On the other hand, how many of the Republican presidential candidates would correctly guess the duration of the Thirty Years War?

Our dog usually gets three walks a day, along with one off leash at a park to play fetch game. I am afraid if we may struggle to fit in two a day once the baby gets here… But I know he is surely well behaved when he is exhausted!

This was supposedly in response to my essay on American suffragettes.  So I assume that Susan B. Anthony could have been mollified with a chew toy.

What is the best way to search for blogs you are interested in?

I go to a search engine and type in “Naked Eugene Finerman.”  The results are always fascinating.

And while you are typing that in, let’s not forget these days in history:

September 5:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/09/05/no-good-deed/

September 7: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/07/tudor-tutorial-2/

September 9:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/09/germania-with-the-emphasis-on-mania-2/

September 10:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/10/dracula-was-an-underachiever/

Timing clash settled, Obama sets sights on speech

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama will a deliver rare address to a joint session of Congress next week to introduce a long-awaited plan for jobs and economic growth, but not before being forced to yield in a test of wills with House Speaker John Boehner over not what he would say, but when he would say it.

Obama agreed to schedule his address on Sept. 8 after Boehner balked at the president’s request for a Sept. 7 speech.

From John Bay-Ner (just to be clear):

Dear Alleged President Obama,

Your timing is unfortunate.  As you know, the House of Representatives was planning to take the entire week off to celebrate Mitzi Gaynor’s 80th birthday.  If you don’t mind insulting a great American entertainer, we can permit your brief interruption.  The question is which day.

Obviously, September 4th–Miss Gaynor’s special day–is out of the question.

September 5th might been acceptable except that it turns out to be the birthday of Giocomo Meyerbeer.  I have never heard of him but apparently he was very important to Eric Cantor.  (And you know how those people can whine.)

September 6th would really be in poor taste.  Normally, with the name Boehner, I would be sympathetic to anyone named Leon Czolgolz–but the guy shot President McKinley on that day.  I don’t want to coddle terrorists and I hope you feel the same way.

September 7th is the birthday of Queen Elizabeth I.  We may have cut off all funding for public television, so serving some birthday cake shows that it wasn’t personal.

September 9th is the anniversary of the battle of the Teutoberg Forest.  I don’t know if you should send Germany your congratulations or Italy your condolences.  Either way, it is bad for NATO and not a good day to speak.

September 10th is Saturday and the Moslem Sabbath–not that I am hinting.  But it is also the day that Qin Shi Huang died.  He was China’s first emperor, and if you think that we can afford to offend our creditors….

You will notice that September 8th seems to be open.  However, it is the wedding anniversary of George III and Charlotte of Mecklenberg-Strelitz.  Yes, we revolted against him, but it had nothing to do with his marriage–a sacred institution even between an English lunatic and a German cow.  Why don’t you first get written permission from Queen Elizabeth II to speak on her great-great-great-great-grandparents’ wedding anniversary, and then we’ll consider your request.

We can discuss the specific time later–but I am a big fan of “Burn Notice.’

Yours,

John B.

Reimagined attraction that was born in Windy City looks to open with high-end restaurant, lounge early next year

Chicago Tribune

Oh for the good old days, when megalomaniac tyrants had a sense of style.  Who wouldn’t want to be under Mussolini’s thumb, knowing those brass knuckles were from Bulgari!  And Saddam Hussein’s palaces were obvious homages to MGM classics; at least one of his wives had to be Norma Shearer.  But Muammar Qaddafi evidently shops at Target.  Perusing the architecture and decor of his homes, the New York Times was dismayed by his tackiness.

Given Colonel Qaddafi’s noted flamboyance, the residences of the House of Qaddafi were not quite as grand as people might have supposed.

They lacked the faux grandeur of Saddam Hussein’s marbled palaces. There are no columns that bear the colonel’s initials, or fists cast to resemble his hands or river-fed moats with voracious carp.

His overt support of terrorism apparently is not so abhorent as his interior decorating.  The man’s style is “Seventies”.  His epauletted wardrobe may have been “Sergeant Pepper” but his living room was “The Wonder Years.”  Qaddafi probably had kept plastic covers on his nuclear reactors.

The New York Times is so disappointed in him.

This Week in History:

August 28:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/28/a-fool-and-his-empire/

August 29:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/29/cheeri-opium-2/

August 30:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/08/30/fanny-get-your-gun/

August 31:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/31/in-praise-of-impotence-2/

September 1:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/01/2529/

September 2:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/02/the-regicide-regatta/

September 3:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/09/03/quite-original-sin/

Infinity

Aug 25th, 2011

Piss en Scene

If Gerard Depardieu urinated in the aisle of an airplane, at least it was in character.  He exudes an enthusiastic vulgarity in his roles, and you would expect his hygiene to be as ripe as his acting.  Yet, the great French stars of the past would have shown more finesse.  Under similar stress, Maurice Chevalier, Charles Boyer and Louis Jourdan would have asked for champagne flutes.  Alain Delon would have requested a brandy snifter, although he seemed the type to fling the contents in your face.  Jean-Paul Belmondo would want a glass de “whiskey”.  Yves Montand would settle for an empty bottle of vin ordinaire but Philippe Noiret would prefer a better vintage for his vintage.  And Jean Gabin?  Well, he wouldn’t even be on an airplane but working his passage on a freighter.

This week in history:

August 21:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/08/21/if-only-lincoln-and-douglas-debated-today/

August 22:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/22/the-karl-roves-of-tudor-england-2/

August 23:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/23/history-rumors-and-hollywood/

August 24:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/24/the-best-laid-plans-of-mice-and-queen-mothers/

August 25: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/25/caviar-preemptor-2/

August 26:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/26/von-clueless-on-war/

August 27:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/27/when-in-rome-2/

Sex and the City’ Prequel on Its Way?

Xfinity TV

Will Carrie Bradshaw make a return to television? Talks are underway to develop author Candace Bushnell’s Sex and the City prequel, The Carrie Diaries, for the small screen.

A friend sent me an article on the incidence of abrupt mortality among royalty.  According to a professor at Cambridge (the real one, not Harvard), between A.D. 600 and 1800 approximately one in four European monarchs were killed by someone other than their doctors.  So the professor’s list would count the decapitated Charles I;  however, Charles II was treated for a minor stroke with frequent bleedings, induced vomitings and repeated purgatives.  Which of the two had the more violent death?  But, as always, I digress.  (You wouldn’t want me as a lifeguard in your stream-of-consciousness.)

Selecting as its most gruesome retirement, the article cited:

Andronikos I Komnenos – a 12th-century Byzantine emperor, whose death was spread over three days and included having his teeth and eyes gouged out, being suspended by his feet and gradually being hacked to bits

Since I am widely acknowledged as our foremost Byzantine raconteur, my friend wrote, “Now, my question for you is what the hell did Andronikos I Komnenos do to deserve what he got?”

He was such a disappointment.  Andronikos Komnenos (or Andronicus Comnenus to his Episcopalian friends) should have been the Emperor from Central Casting.  He (1118-1185–explicitly)  was handsome, charming and an excellent soldier.  Charisma is a Greek word.  And whatever the Greek equivalent of Kosher, Andronicus was.  By contrast, his cousin the Emperor Alexius was half-French; to the Byzantines, that was half-barbarian.  Worse, since Alexius was a child,  his mere was the regent.  The Greeks didn’t have to be suspicious of her; she really was pro-Western.  Thanks to her trade concessions, the Venetians and Genoese were taking over the wharves and markets of Constantinople.

Outraged and dispossessed, the Byzantines looked to that magnificent Andronicus to rescue the throne from all these foreigners.  The old charmer could boast of many seductions, but this probably was his easiest.  The Empire was begging for him.  Announcing his intention to be the Regent, in 1182 he marched on Constantinople.  The Imperial navy and army offered homage rather than resistance.  He entered the capital acclaimed.  The supporters of the Regent, including the Italian traders, were somewhat preoccupied being massacred.  Did Andronicus say he would be the new Regent?  He meant co-emperor.  Hagia Sophia was available for a coronation; it also could oblige for funerals.  The Dowager Empress and members of the Imperial family were suddenly dead.  No one asked any questions.  Indeed, the public was grateful.  Andronicus had impeccable taste in murder.  The following year, the Emperor Alexius was dead, too.  That was a little more awkward; Alexius was all of thirteen.  But it was reassuring to see how efficient Andronicus could be.  Unimpeded and undisputed in his rule, who knows what the Emperor would accomplish.

It turned out to be just more murders.  To remedy genuine economic and social problems in the Empire, Andronicus believed in the salubrious effects of executing aristocrats.  Kill enough of them and you certainly end Feudalism.  Of course, the aristocrats preferred to stay alive and so they would plot against the Emperor.  Such selfish disloyalty offended Andronicus and you can imagine his response.  All this blue bloodshed initially might have pleased the public, and the serfs certainly should been grateful; but it was not the winning charm that people had expected of Andronicus.  Besides, the serfs weren’t in charge of the regiments.

In 1185, one treacherous but trivial aristocrat named Isaac Angelos finally made it to be the top of the condemned list.  Evading arrest, Isaac fled to the sanctuary of Hagia Sofia and urged the public to revolt.  The aristocrats didn’t need any encouragement, and the masses just liked the idea of rioting.  Andronicus attempted to flee the city with his wife and his mistress (apparently he still had some charm left), but he was captured.  Isaac,now the new emperor, turned his ousted cousin over to the mercies of the public.  People seemed to take particular delight in maiming the handsome face of Andronicus.

You know the coroner’s report, but what is history’s verdict of Andronicus I.  He obviously was a mad emperor; unfortunately–unbelievably–he still was a better ruler than Isaac, Isaac’s brother or son.

For further details:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2011/07/07/assailing-to-byzantium/