FinermanWorks

Addressing its gender gap among American women, the Republican Party now disputes women have a right to vote.  “Yes, there was some sort of amendment in 1920” stated Justice Antonin Scalia, “and I suppose anyone who was alive back then would still be entitled to vote.  But from a strict constructionist interpretation, that right does not apply to anyone born since then.”

Chief Justice John Roberts added even 92 year women “cannot  just waltz into the voting booth.  These prospective voters would need ten pieces of identification to verify their age.  That would include their Wellesley yearbooks, notarized cotillion dance cards, medical records of hickeys from F. Scott Fitzgerald.  A written note from their father would also be required.”

Election judges will also have the right to challenge the voter’s gender.  “Medical probes probably won’t be necessary.  A few cellphone photos of the appropriate areas should suffice.”

I have been waiting for the French to get even with us.  For years we have been adapting their films into American.  “La Grande Illusion”, the elegaic portrait of French society amidst the chaos of World War I, simply needed some car chases to become “Smokey and the Bandit.”  And Last Year at Marienbad” actually is a little more coherent as “Meatballs.”

Well, I think that the French now have their revanche.  As I was watching “La Princesse de Montpensier”, I felt an increasing familiarity with the story.  Marie thinks school is a drag; she got to be a countess without learning to write.  That really cool Henri loves her the way she is.  Alas,  her parents would rather she dated that drip Francois.  He is a prince and Henri is only a duke.  And there is that nosy Mrs. deMedici who has an opinion about everything. 

Mon Dieu, I was watching a French version of a 1960s Frankie and Annette movie.  There were a few differences.  “La Princesse” takes place in 16th century France rather than on a California beach, and the sport is killing Huguenots instead of surfing.  Of course, being French this version of Annette didn’t wait until marriage.

Let’s transpose the American cast into the French setting.  Annette Funicello is countess Marie, Frankie Avalon is Henri Duc de Guise, Bob Denver is the Prince of Montpensier, Peggy Cass is Catherine de Medici and Paul Lynde is Nostradamus.

And now we can wait for the American remake of the French remake.

Romney Wins Illinois Primary

Coasting to victory on the slogan “Nauseating but Sane”, Willard “Mitt” Romney expressed his appreciation of Illinois’ culture.  “There’s the freedom, and pioneer courage, and the American spirit in a deep dish pizza.”    His campaign then paid everyone in the audience one hundred dollars to pretend that they hadn’t heard that.  The gesture was praised by Fox News as Romney’s plan to revive the economy.

The rising price of gasoline was an issue during the primary.  (In a completely unrelated story, Koch Industries is donating another $500 million dollars to the G.O.P. this year.)  Romney, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich each offered his idea of an energy policy.  Romney’s plan reflected his own entrepreneurial achievements.  “Each day, I personally ooze four barrels of oil.  Even if I use half of that on my hair, that still leaves two barrels for America.  I urge my fellow citizens to follow my example and start oozing our way to energy independence.”

Santorum’s proposal reflected his traditional values.  “We should burn heretics.  Use them instead of street lamps and headlights.  And they are biodegradable.”

Gingrich’s plan was as expansive and visionary as the man himself.  “We have all these alien technologies in Area 51. Whatever engines the Romulans are using in their warships, we should adapt to our spacecraft and cars.  If lithium is supposed to work on me, why not in our impulse hyperdrives and fusion ion thrusters?  What we don’t have yet, we can get by waterboarding  the Ferengi.”

It was rumored that Governor Romney had a rational response to the Santorum and Gingrich plans, but his campaign suppressed it for fear of offending the Conservative base. 

We have had a remarkably warm March in Chicago; the temperature has been in the 80s and I just killed a mosquito.   However I have been accosted and overwhelmed by a far worse pest:  automated phone calls for the upcoming primary.  For the last week, we have been continually plagued by robocalls, and they are intentionally inconvenient and obnoxious. 

None has said, “Hi, I am interrupting your dinner to tell why I should be your state senator.”

No, the calls would exclaim, “If you knew all the sordid details about candidate Drake Preenwell, you wouldn’t be able to eat.  And he wouldn’t care!  Why he probably would be laughing at you!  Now, what kind of person would be making fun of you while you are lying in your own vomit?  Certainly, not someone you would want for your state senator.  And definitely not Drake Preenwell.” 

“Paid for the Committee to Save You from Drake Preenwell.”

You won’t appreciate the annoyance; and you will be furious when that robocall is left ten times on your answering machine.  And who will you punish?  Drake Preenwell, of course.  You may not realize it but the repeated attacks have nurtured your suspicions about him.  Of course, you know that the call was shamelessly biased and ruthlessly distorted, but there still is that gnawing, visceral doubt?  What if there some truth to the attack?  Maybe Preenwell is half as disgusting as the robo-call said?  Or a third as vile, or even an eighth as grotesque?  Is there an acceptable fraction?    You no longer trust Preenwell, and you are less likely to vote for him.  So, in its devious way, the robo-call has succeeded.

For the last week, my answering machine and I have been subjected to canned recriminations by two democratic candidates for a congressional seat.  One reputedly is a secret Republican, and the other is suspiciously criminal.  Congratulations to the two:  I now am repelled by them both.  I intend to vote for a third candidate–who probably couldn’t afford the robocalls. 

p.s.  If you are nostalgic for old-fashioned ways of lying:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/08/03/the-libel-arts/

A rather significant birthday approaches, and I face the prospect of being 20 for the third time.  It is daunting to realize that I have outlived Henry VIII.  At least I am still younger than William Frawley was on “I Love Lucy.”

However I just received a wonderful consolation from my friend–and fellow Jeopardy relic–Leah Greenwald.  She knows my love of both Byzantine history and marzipan, and so she crafted this masterpiece: an iconfection of the Empress Theodora.

Here is the birthday geezer with his marzipan pinup.

If you are not familiar with Theodora, allow me to introduce her.

https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2007/02/05/the-first-draft/

Yes, I am reluctant to eat this wonderful iconfection.  But at Leah’s urging, I will commit this act of trampsubstantiation.

So you can see that my birthday–this Saturday–is off to a delightful start.

Romney Encourages Rivals to Fold

Dear Newton,

Well, this certainly been a nifty competition.  It reminds me of my wild times at Harvard Business, and those all-night Risk games.  Being MBAs, we developed a more sophisticated version–with navies and sweatshops.   But you and I have gotten to a point in this game where I command all the countries, and Sheldon Adelson can’t buy you any new continents.  

So, let’s discuss your severance package.  If you quit now AND endorse me, I promise you that moon colony.  Yes, I will name it for you, and give you complete control.  But building that colony–and first getting the money from the Chinese–will take the better part of two terms.  So, what can I offer you in the meantime?  You know my daughters-in-law and nieces are younger than Callista.

Yours (if you are practical),

Mitt

————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Richard,

 Well, this certainly has been a nifty competition.  And now I think that you should give up this election for Lent.  It is what Jesus would want.  (Yes, we posthumously converted him, too.)  If you quit and endorse me, I would love to have you as my Attorney General. Or Grand Inquisitor.  We can change the job title.   Of course, we will have to agree beforehand on the definition of heresy.  Please, not all college graduates; maybe just the liberal arts majors.  (I am little more pro-science than you are.)

Besides, Grand Inquisitor is just a temp job for you.  Benedict XVI is not going to live forever.  I can promise that Bain Capital would be very happy to support you in that election.  The firm would be fine with some Raphaels and Michelangelos, and maybe a few cathedrals converted into condos; we already have the buyers in China. 

It is win-win.  Me in this world, and you in the next.

Mitt

The following story is true.  One name has been changed to protect the guilty, although I don’t know why I am bothering.  I would win the libel suit.

The proud parents insisted on showing me their son’s business card.  It identified him as a financial analyst at a firm called “Tradere.”  The card also offered a lesson in Latin.  “Tradere means trader!”  I probably was expected to be impressed; courtesy at least required a simpering smile.  However, my response was “That’s wrong.”

I explained to the stunned parents that the Latin word for trade is “mercari.”  It is the root and etymological ancestor of such words as merchant, market and mercenary.  It even provided the Romans with the name of a God:  Fleet-footed and sleight-of-hand, Mercury was the patron of traders…and thieves.

The father, having accumulated a flotsam of facts in his doctoral studies, grudgingly agreed with my translation.  But his wife, in the fiercest tradition of the Jewish mother insisted “But it says so on the business card!”  Her son’s card had to be infallible.  What was the basis of the word “trader”?  This linguistic dispute occurred in my home, so I was only a few steps away from my office–with its shelves of reference works.  After a few minute absence, during which I was probably subjected to maternal wrath, I returned with the answers.

Our word “trade” is derived from the Angle-Saxon “trada” which means “tread.”  The nature of honest labor has its element of drudgery, and the working conditions of the Dark Ages further dampened the soul.  Ready for today’s 12 hours of serfdom!  You would more likely tread than skip to your labors.  Over time–nine centuries of the Middle Ages–the plodding, weary resignation became synonymous with work itself.  Some vocations involved the exchange of goods, and the noun evolved into the verb “trade.”  That is the etymology of the word, and Latin had nothing to do with it.

But I could offer this solace: “tradere” really is a Latin word.  As any Roman or Jesuit could tell you, it means to betray.  “Tradere” is the ancestor of our words traitor and treason.  Given the history of financial firms, the company’s name might be accurate but unwise to advertise.  Yet, checking its website the following day, I saw the proclamation means “Tradere means trader!”  Several months later, I revisited the website.  The company had not changed its name but now had a more modest assertion:  “Tradere loosely translate to trader.”  Yes, very loosely, in the same way that the word murder loosely translates to “Hello.”  Just the other day, I again visited the website and now saw that Tradere offered no explanation of its name.

As for the young man with the business cards, he now has the reputation in his company of being a classical scholar.

Remind me to blackmail him.

Scarlett Johansson has nabbed the plum role of Janet Leigh  in Fox Searchlight’s “Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho”, an upcoming biopic that sheds light on the difficulties Hitchcock suffered during the making of the classic horror film. Leigh was, of course, one of the stars of the film – an A-list movie actress who audiences were shocked to see being violently killed off before the halfway mark.  Anthony Hopkins will portray Hitchcock.

In the two hour film, 100 minutes will be about the shower scene.  Hollywood’s plumbers union was remarkably conscientious.  Union local president Gus Guido (played by Jack Black) was very concerned about the water’s temperature and offered to stand with Miss Leigh in the shower stall.  There was political controversy as well.  J. Edgar Hoover feared that the movie would be interpreted as an assault on American Motherhood.  The FBI Director was brought in as a consultant and proved quite useful in advising Anthony Perkins how to dress like one’s mother.  Mr. Hoover will be played by Rosie O’Donnell.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2011/03/03/bulgarian-rhapsody/

AP sources: Israel wouldn’t warn US on Iran strike

There might be some hints, however….

Dear President Obama,

In two weeks, we will be celebrating the bar mitzvah of the Weintraub twins:  Schuyler and Beaumont!  Our party theme will be aircraft carriers in the Persian Gulf.  We would really appreciate it if you could lend us a fleet for each child, and perhaps two more for any out of town guests.  It should be just for that weekend.

You might be concerned that the party will be a bit raucous and the neighbors might complain.  On the contrary, the usually cranky Mr. Saud has written us a blank check for the “festivities.”  Yes, he addressed it to the “Zionist Vampires” but there will be no problem cashing it.  Furthermore, he wrote a rather endearing note, “I still want to drive you into the sea but you can use my chauffeured limousine.”

Naturally, we understand if you would like a security deposit.  How about the electoral votes of New York, California and Illinois?

Just leave the carrier keys at the front gate.  Thanks.

Chutzpah Party Planners

Until last week, Girolamo Savonarola was a fairly obscure historical figure.  His identification would be worth a $2000 question on Jeopardy.  Somewhat remembered as a tyrannical fanatic in 15th century Florence, the Dominican friar now has had a revival–if only as a simile.  Rick Santorum has been compared to him.

Which of the two should feel more insulted?

https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/05/23/on-this-day-in-1498-2/