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Today is Independence Day in Albania. Let’s celebrate its 96 years of sovereign obscurity.

Albania, like Bulgaria, is generally regarded as a fictional country because no one ever seems to be from there. This anonymity is actually encouraged by the Albanians to avoid conquest. Unfortunately for the Albanians, it is only the second worst place in the Balkans, so invaders do show up–even if it is never worth the effort.

(By the way, Montenegro has the distinction of being the worst. The Turks never bothered to invade.)

Among Albania’s conquerors were the Romans, the Byzantines, the Slavs, the Byzantines again, the French (after the 4th Crusade pillage extravaganza) the Serbs (Slavs with Byzantine culture), and the Ottomans. In a gesture of sycophany that surpasses even the French, the Albanians converted to Islam. It spared the Albanians the infidel tax, but the Turks weren’t particularly impressed. Albania would remain the Mississippi of the Ottoman Empire.

Defeated in the Balkan War of 1912, the Turks were forced to cede Northern Greece, Macedonia and (as if they cared) Albania, Now independent, it took Albania almost a decade to form a government; that is say, find a willing and reasonably competent dictator. The resultant leader was that great trivia question: King Zog.

Zog’s glorious reign ended in 1939, when Fascist Italy invaded Albania. Yes, that was Albania’s ultimate humiliation. Being conquered by Mussolini’s “Iron Legions” is like punched out by a Quaker.

After World War II, Albanian Communists seized the country. (No one else probably cared.) It must have been considerable solace to Stalin that, even if he lost Yugoslavia, he still had Albania. It was isolated from the rest of the Soviet bloc, however. Indeed, the British and CIA attempted covert operations to overthrow the Albanian communists. Unfortunately, the British Secret Service was also the Cambridge branch of the KGB, so those covert operations always failed. With Stalin’s death and the Kremlin’s subsequent denunciation of him, Albania felt even more isolated. The Soviet Union was now too liberal for Albania. So, Albania offered to be Communist China’s ally in Europe. In a rare demonstration of Chinese humor, Mao agreed. So, for over three decades, an impoverished, Slavic/Moslem enclave would broadcast (where there was electricity) the quotations of Mao. During this period, Albania lived in xenophobic isolation from the rest of Europe. It is probable that Europe never noticed.

Today, however, Albania is an impoverished Slavic/Moslem enclave that welcomes tourists. Gypsies flee there to avoid extradition to Italy.

When asked if he’d consider having a Muslim in the Cabinet, Mitt Romney replied, “Based on the numbers of American Muslims … in our population, I cannot see that a cabinet position would be justified.”

American Muslims do constitute less than two percent of the U.S. population. With just 16 seats in the Cabinet, a Romney appointee would have to represent a constituency of at least six percent. Sorry, Jews, you are out of the Romney Cabinet, too. (Just be content with ten percent of American doctors.)

Here is the official ancestry of the Romney cabinet: two and a half Germans, two Irish, two African, one real Angle-Saxon (no Scandinavian substitutes), one legal Mexican and one Italian. Four of the members of the cabinet will be Catholic, two will be Baptist, eight will be the variety pack of Protestant, and two won’t give a damn.

The Romney cabinet would also need one or two homosexuals; only one has to admit it. Twenty-five percent of the cabinet will be undeniably fat. Only one cabinet member will be alcoholic (this might be a drastic reduction). One third of the cabinet members will experience sexual dysfunction, preferably during the cabinet meetings.

And, since Mormons constitute less than six percent of the U.S. population, President Romney would not be allowed at Cabinet meetings.

Sen. Trent Lott plans to resign his seat by the end of this year. The Mississippi senator gave no specific reason but said he has “other opportunities” he wishes to pursue.

He did deny that he would be managing the Presidential campaign of Strom Thurmond. “Strom hasn’t asked me. For the time being, I just want to sit back with the grandkids and watch “Birth of a Nation”.

However, the timing of this resignation only fuels rumors about the fiscal irregularities concerning Mr. Lott’s toupee. Regarded as the only construction by Halliburton that actually works, the $ 8 billion wig was billed to NASA. However, a NASA spokesman defended the value of the expenditure. “That toupee is the prototype of the next generation of space craft. First, see how the wig is suspended from Mr. Lott’s head at a 45 degree angle; it defies gravity. And that titanium structure is so flexible that, despite its two-foot diameter, the wig can still fit under the senator’s hood.”

VIDEO GAME ABOUT SPANISH CIVIL WAR INFLAMES BITTER NATIONAL DEBATE

MADRID: A new video game that invites players to rewrite the course of Spain’s devastating civil war has touched a nerve in a country that is often reluctant to revisit its past, let alone play with it.

Aside from the physical resemblance of Super Mario to Francisco Franco, you have to question the basis for a X-Box version of the Spanish Civil War. The outcome of the real war was not exactly suspenseful. One side had the Spanish Army, Mussolini, Hitler, the Catholic Church and the eager salesmen of American industries. The other side had the moral authority of democracy, untrained militia and liberal dilettantes, plus Joseph Stalin except that he deliberately did more harm than good. Guess who won?

What is the appeal of recreating those odds in a video game, unless you are the type who would enjoy massacres. (The Fox audience might, but it tends to be geriatric and might assume a joystick was anatomical slang.)I suppose that that the FascNationalist player could have a time limit: he has just two turns to wipe out everyone in Spain whose outlook is slightly more advanced than the 13th century.

Or we could improve the odds for the Spanish Republic by adding a few superheroes to its arsenal. For instance, there could be Picassoldier whose searing vision can turn anyone into discombobulated cubes. (He is invincible but can be distracted by femme fatales; if the Nationalists lack them, Leni Reifenstahl or the Mitford Sisters can always be borrowed from Adolf.) Then, there is the Hemingwarlock whose terse incantations can reduce you to a frustrated cipher longing for excitement. (The Hemingwarlock can be drown in alcohol but that could take 20 years.) The Republic also can resort to the cabalistic powers of the Group Theatre; the pugnacious acting of John Garfield, Lee J. Cobb and Howard daSilva probably wouldn’t be much of a deterrent against Franco’s tanks but the Republic definitely would have the more impressive USO shows.

Finally, the outcome of the game and the Spanish Civil War can be determined by listening to the adagio of Concierto de Aranjuez.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxwceLlaODM

This music was composed in 1937; and if it doesn’t leave you melancholy, then Franco wins.

VIDEO GAME ABOUT SPANISH CIVIL WAR INFLAMES BITTER NATIONAL DEBATE
By Victoria Burnett

MADRID: A new video game that invites players to rewrite the course of Spain’s devastating civil war has touched a nerve in a country that is often reluctant to revisit its past, let alone play with it.

“Shadows of War” bills itself as the first video game based on the 1936-39 war, which erupted after rightist forces loyal to Francisco Franco staged a coup against the elected Republican government. It went on sale in Spain on Thursday in the midst of a bitter debate about how to deal with the country’s past, prompted by a new law that would authorize reparations to civil war victims and ban monuments to Franco.

Even before it hit the stores, the game drew criticism from both sides of the political spectrum as a divisive trivialization of a war whose wounds, for many Spaniards, have yet to heal.

Manuel Contreras, a columnist for the conservative newspaper ABC, said in an editorial that the game would “fuel political conflict and reinforce the split between the two Spains.”

In 1936, by a two-thirds majority, the Spanish voters were so tactless as to elect a liberal-leftist majority to its Cortes. Unfortunately, that two-thirds majority did not include the Spanish army which wanted to contest the election results. (No doubt, Antonin Scalia would have ruled in the Right’s favor but at the time he was only four months old and his legal briefs still were diapers.) So, in order to overturn the election, the army decided to overturn the government. However ironic it sounds to us, the liberal and leftist supporters of the government were the Republicans. The supporters of the Army called themselves the Nationalists, but Fascist is more descriptive.

In planning the coup, the Spanish army underestimated the government. Its liberals and leftists were at each others’ throats over zoning laws; those civilians could hardly be expected to mount and coordinate a defense. But the government’s fractious, squabbling nature proved the core of its resistance. However overwhelming the odds, the Republic–and the Spanish majority who supported it–refused simply to surrender. Crushing that heroic obstinacy took three years and as many as a million lives.

The leader of the victorious Nationalists was Francisco Franco, and he remained Spain’s dictator for the rest of his life: until 1975. He certainly was one of Fascism’s most successful tyrants: ruling 36 years, dying of old age, and leaving behind a stable country. As his legacy, Franco had hoped to perpetuate his “conservative” values by supporting the restoration of the Spanish monarchy. Juan Carlos was the descendant of Philip II, and the hand-picked successor of Franco, but he proved to be the heir of the 20th century. To the chagrin of the Old Guard, His Most Catholic Majesty supports a democratic Spain. Juan Carlos personifies Spain’s transition after Franco: a historic, conservative institution adapting itself to a modern, more liberal world.

But this peaceful transition required a compromise between the Right and the Left. The Spanish Civil War would not be discussed or even acknowledged. The Right would never apologize. The Left would not demand justice. Those who had survived would be as silent as those who had not. Contradicting the maxim of their countryman George Santayana, the Spanish wanted to forget the past, in order not to relive it.

This silence has been observed until now. Franco has been dead for 32 years. Early this month, the Spanish Cortes passed “the Law of Historic Memory”, establishing a commission to examine and record both sides’ atrocities during the Spanish Civil War as well as the crimes of the Franco regime. History and justice will finally be heard.

And now you can also buy the video game….

In 1700, Peter the Great, along with the kings of Denmark and Saxony, expected to take candy from a baby. But the baby almost killed them. The candy was actually Sweden and the baby was its teenage king. Today’s Sweden is the kind of country that would make a perfect suburb: placid but sophisticated. (Many of us fondly remember that Swedish films had nudity when Hollywood still apparently believed in storks.) But three centuries ago, Sweden was the bully of the Baltic. With the best army and navy in the North, the overachieving Swedes had won control of Norway, Finland, the Baltic States, and most of the area that would have been Poland’s and Germany’s coasts.

However, Sweden’s resentful neighbors saw their chance for vengeance and territory when a fifteen year-old ascended the throne in Stockholm in 1697. His youth was not the only perceived handicap of Charles XII; the young man was very strange. Some thought him “backward”; we might diagnose him as autistic. He never mastered the charm or the etiquette of the Court; he had no interest in the pleasures and vices that were his royal privilege. All Charles ever wanted to do was to play soldier; but, as it turned out, he was very good at it.

When, in February 1700, Russia, Denmark and Saxony declared war on Sweden and its callow king, the allies must have based their strategy on an accountant’s assessment. Their amassed armies far outnumbered Sweden’s forces; the Swedes would inevitably be overwhelmed. However, Charles did not wait for the inevitable. He attacked. Denmark’s proximity was its misfortune; by the summer of 1700 an overrun, devastated Denmark was suing for peace and ceding more territory to Sweden. In fact, Denmark was lucky that Charles acceded to a peace treaty. He didn’t like treaties because they required him to stop fighting. At least, Charles found solace in that he still had a war with Russia and Saxony.

A Russian army threatened to wrest Estonia and Latvia from Sweden. Peter the Great commanded an impressive number–40,000 men–but the invasion had accomplished little more than trespassing. Cannons and muskets require aiming, but no one had provided the Russian horde with adequate training. Furthermore, many of the Russian soldiers did not even have muskets; they were armed with clubs, axes and halberds, weapons only fairly effective in the 15th century. (But Peter’s officers had the latest fashions in uniforms.) Charles felt that 10,000 of his highly trained soldiers could handle the Russian horde, and he proved it this day–November 30– at the battle of Narva in 1700.

With half of his force dead or captured and the rest scattered, his country at the mercy of an unscathed Swedish army, Peter was prepared for any demand and every humiliation; but he still was amazed by Charles. The Swedish king simply marched away to begin an invasion of Saxony. This was not an act of mercy or generosity but contempt. Charles thought so little of Russia that he snubbed it; he wanted his enemies to have some fight in them. So Russia could recuperate before Charles would demolish it again.

Peter certainly had underestimated the young Swedish king; but now Charles underestimated the Tsar. Having seen–and barely surviving–a highly trained army, Peter proved an apt student. Over the next few years, while Charles was rampaging through central Europe, Peter rebuilt the Russian army along the model of its Swedish nemesis. If Ikea had a military catalog, Peter would have bought out the store. By 1703, the Russian army was ready for a rematch, and this time it successfully invaded the Baltic States. On newly acquired territory along the gulf of Finland, the Tsar ordered the construction of a fortress-with room for expansion–named St. Petersburg.

Yet Charles ignored the reviving Russian menace. He was preoccupied with a relatively unimportant but endless campaign in Saxony and Poland. Did it really matter who would be the next figurehead king of a powerless Poland? Inexplicably, it did to Charles. By 1708, however, he finally turned his attention to Russia; and this time he was going to oust Peter. To do so, Charles would lead his army into the heartland of Russia, through the Ukraine and on to Moscow. At least, that was the plan. His over-extended, precarious supply lines might have seemed an obstacle, but Charles expected to be feted, supplied, and reinforced by the Ukrainians and Cossacks. They were known to hate the Russians, so wouldn’t they regard Charles as their liberator? If so, their gratitude did not extend to fighting along side the Swedes.

Of course, Charles stayed on the attack. What did it matter if the Russian army at Poltava was three times the size of his force? Vell–as they might say in Swedish, eight years of training did make a substantial difference in the Tsar’s army. Most of Charles’ army was either killed or captured. Now, if Charles wouldn’t end a war when he was winning, imagine how he felt when he was losing. Riding south, he avoided capture and managed to get to the Ottoman Empire. There, the celebrity refugee convinced the Turks to declare war on Russia.

Peter welcomed this additional war as a chance to advance Russia’s southern frontiers to the Black Sea. He was so eager that he repeated the same mistakes that Charles had made at Poltava. Now, it was a Russian army deep in enemy territory, with its supplies cut off, and badly outnumbered. There was one difference, however, in Peter’s disastrous loss at Pruth in 1711. He, along with his entire army, was captured. The Turks were in a position to exact any terms that they wanted; and their ally Charles was insisting on the restoration on everything he had lost. However, after two years of Charles, the Turks realized that they did not like him, either. All they asked of the captured Tsar was that he return any territory that the Russians had previously won from the Turks…and that Charles must be allowed safe passage through Russia back to Sweden. Yes, the Turks were that eager to get rid of him. In fact, they placed him under house arrest until he got the message.

When back in Sweden, Charles simply scrounged whatever he could to continue the war. He was oblivious to the fact that the war was irretrievably lost, and that his strickened country had neither the manpower nor the resources left to accommodate his bloody hobby. Of course, Charles would not be content until he was killed in battle; in 1718, in a pointless siege of a Norwegian town, someone finally obliged him. The marksman is unknown; it might even have been an exhausted Swede.

History has had a number of great yet self-destructive generals. Charles XII is unique among them in that he is so colorless. Perhaps that is the consequence of being Swedish. He also could have been an idiot savant whose savoir happened to be war. History remembers him as “The Lion of the North.” He may have had the courage of a lion but he had the common sense of a lemming.

GONZALES DEFENSE FUND SET UP
Former Attorney General’s Legal Fees Mount in Probe

Washington Post

Supporters of former attorney general Alberto R. Gonzales have created a trust fund to help pay for his legal expenses, which are mounting in the face of an ongoing Justice Department investigation into whether Gonzales committed perjury or improperly tampered with a congressional witness.

The establishment of a legal defense fund for the nation’s former chief law enforcement officer underscores the potential peril confronting Gonzales, who is one of a handful of attorneys general to face potential criminal charges for actions taken in office.

A contribution form asking for donations to the Alberto R. Gonzales Legal Expense Trust suggests amounts from $500 to $5,000.

And we can offer these fabulous gifts to thank you for your donation!

For just $500, you can have the recorded telephone calls of any ten Americans you request. You’ll know everything they said in 2007. (Of course, contributers to the Alberto R. Gonzales Legal Expense Trust are protected–which is all the more reason you’ll want this gift.)

For just a $1000 donation, the IRS will audit anyone you wish. And for you bargain lovers, order three audits for only $2500. Better yet, the audit’s tax penalty–and we guarantee one–will be donated to the Alberto R. Gon…well, you know.

With a $2000 donation, you can add anyone’s name to the TSA terrorist list. What a surprise for that frequent flier who suddenly finds himself spending 36 hours in a holding cell. Complimentary Tasering included. And for an additional $500, the arrest will be leaked to Fox News.

For just a $3000 donation, you won’t have to share this country with someone you don’t like. Yes, have his citizenship revoked! We promise you reserved seating at the deportation hearing. And guess what Legal Defense Fund will receive the forfeited social security.

With a $4000 donation, you can send someone to an indefinite stay at an unspecified site. And for an additional $500, you can personally conduct the enhanced interrogation.

And for a $5000 donation, you will receive a Presidential Pardon for whatever you did on this list.

November 16, 1491:  Libel Epoque

Waterboarding works. Without its stimulating edification, Benito Garcia might never have realized that he was the leader of a Jewish conspiracy to murder Christian children and seize control of Spain. Until June 1490 Senor Garcia may have been under the impression that he was only an itinerant woolcomber. His education began with a robbery by some laudably pious thieves. As they ransacked the wayfarer’s possessions, they found a morsel of bread resembling a sacramental wafer. Had Garcia stolen it from a church in order to perform some evil Jewish ritual on the sanctified carbohydrate? The thieves decided to turn Garcia over to the authorities; and the authorities saw only the heresy rather than the irony. Furthermore, if this was heresy, then it was a matter for the Inquisition.

Initially, Garcia seemed unaware of his obvious guilt. Flogging failed to enlighten him. Then the rack also proved uninstructive. However, the water torture convinced Garcia of his guilt. Of course, Garcia’s crime required accomplices; he was persuaded to come up with four names. These people, once they had their tutorials, also had some remarkable self-realizations. More culprits were named and more crimes were confessed. After an edifying soaking, and in hopes of avoiding another, a Yuce Franco admitted to killing a Christian child near La Guardia, Castille as part of a magic spell that would make Spain’s Christians disappear.

Franco’s sensational admission required everyone to be interrogated again. They were persuaded to confess the murder, but no one could agree on the details. They did not concur on the name or description of the child, the site of the crime, or where the body was placed. Even the Spanish civil authorities were uncooperative; they failed to find any reports of a missing child in or near La Guardia. However, the Inquisition decided that those details were irrelevant. The confessions sufficed and could be taken as gospel.

On this day in 1491 Benito Garcia, Yuce Franco, and three others were burned at the stake. So were three corpses of men who had failed to survive until their execution. The trial and auto da fe occurred in La Guardia, but the accusations were known throughout Spain, spread and incited by the Inquisition. Expounding this “conspiracy” as proof of the Jews’ danger and enmity, Grand Inquisitor Tomas de Torquemada demanded the Jews’ expulsion from Spain. Isabella was gullible enough to agree. Ferdinand was craven enough to concur.

So, as Torquemada would have told you, waterboarding works.

Several years ago, I participated in a volunteer program, attempting to be a writing tutor for the gilded youth of my suburb. For a satirist, it was inspiring. I kept a diary of my efforts and here is one of my recollections.

I just had my latest tutorial in the adolescent mind. Today’s middle-class teenager has a selective intellect. He could discuss psychology with Freud and sexual aberration with deSade; but our sophisticated pubescent would not know where or when the good Doctor and the bad Marquis lived. Is historical and cultural context really so important? I think that it might have helped the students’ interpretation of The Scarlet Letter.

The students diagnosed the Reverend Dimmesdale as a masochist. One could argue how the letter A erupted upon the chest of the right reverend. Hawthorne leaves it to the readers’ imagination. Did Dimmesdale carve it himself, was it the physical manifestation of his guilt, or was he a prototype for a letter on Sesame Street? The students, however, were certain that Dimmesdale was a masochist. They repeatedly used the term without understanding it. If Dimmesdale did mutilate and monogram himself, it was not for kinky pleasure. A masochist would not have needed the physical distractions offered by Hester.

In post-modern education, all interpretations are equally valid. So I did not dare refute the students’ theory of sexual aberration. I could proffer the fact that Hawthorne had never heard of masochism, a word that would not be coined for another fifty years. For lack of prescience, the author thought that he was writing about good and evil, nature and society, freedom and repression. The students may have missed those points, but they certainly detected the implicit perversions. I was surprised that none postulated on Dr. Chillingworth’s erectile dysfunction.

Two of the students were unclear as to the meaning of the letter A. I resisted the temptation to say that it stood for Amherst, and it represented the shame of not getting into an Ivy League school.

If you are not fluent in 11th century English puns, the name of Aethelred the Unready sounds rather endearing. The Angle-Saxon English king might seem a vacillating, knee-knocking fumbler, the role model of Senator Harry Reid. In fact, Aethelred was an assertive, bold catastrophe. Whatever his royal ancestors had built and achieved over 150 years, Aethelred sabotaged and destroyed. Had he anticipated his great-great grandson, Alfred the Great would have had a vasectomy. Alfred had saved a ravaged England from the Vikings, and created the foundation of a prosperous kingdom; Aethelred did exactly the opposite.

Names do have meaning; no one thought of Aethelred for its lilting sound. In Olde Anglische, Aethelred means “well-counselled” , prudent or wise. So, as any medieval Englishman could tell you, “unready” means uncounselled or reckless. Adding the epithet of Unready to Athelred was an editorial pun. (It also demonstrates why English humor is best left to the Irish.)

Aethelred ascended the English throne in 978 at the age of ten, over the body of his half-brother. Aethelred’s mother had arranged that assassination; after all, he was only a stepson. (In posthumous compensation, the late king received a complimentary sainthood; the evil queen mother was also a generous benefactor to the Church, so presumably everyone benefited from the regicide.)

At the time, England was a prosperous country. The same could not be said of Denmark. Its King, Sweyn Forkbeard, had to pay tribute to the Holy Roman Emperor. Sweyn’s father, Harald Bluetooth, was unique among Viking raiders in that he actually lost battles. After some disastrous campaigns in Germany, Bluetooth could save his skin only by converting to Christianity and coughing up annual compensation to the Kaiser. Sweyn may have inherited better teeth but he was stuck with his father’s debts. So to pay the German tribute, Sweyn decided to extort tribute to England.

Beginning in 980 what would become an annual tradition, the Danish fleet would arrive in England, brushing aside the always inadequate defense, and rampaging until a satisfactory ransom was paid. Young Aethelred was no military prodigy; his attempts at battles were invariably defeats. He found it easier to amass tax collectors than an army. Gouging England to pay the Vikings’ tribute did not endear Aethelred to his subjects. So he took the precaution of hiring Danish bodyguards. (Of course, that required even more taxes.)

In 1002, however, Aethelred finally decided to free his kingdom from this Danish subjugation. On November 13th–St. Brice’s Day—he undertook this liberation by ordering the massacre of every Dane in England. The Vikings fleet had already returned home, so the Danes remaining in England were just merchants, artisans and tourists. At least Aethelred found Danes whom he could defeat. Hundreds were slaughtered. This certainly was Aethelred’s greatest victory, but was it really that decisive?

To put it in a modern context, imagine if the United States decided to solve our trade imbalance with China by ordering an attack on every P.F. Chang’s. Would the prospect of hundreds of dead waiters really force China to capitulate? Aethelred’s strategy actually did make an impression on Sweyn Forkbeard. One of the massacred Danes happened to be his sister. Sweyn now was determined to overthrow Aethelred.

It took 11 years but the next king of England was named Knut, a nice Danish name. Knut–alias Canute–was Sweyn’s son. As for Aethelred, he was spending his exile with in-laws in Normandy, a family connection that would assert itself in 1066. Any English resistance was left to his son, Edmund Ironside. Aethelred died of natural causes in 1016; his son managed to regain the English throne for a few months while Knut was busy in Denmark seizing that throne. Of course, upon Knut’s return, so did the English habit of losing. Edmund soon died; and very few think that it was from a natural cause. (One prurient theory postures that he was killed in a privy; apparently, his ironside did not extend all the way down.)

And for the happy ending, Canute proved an excellent king.