FinermanWorks

My mother had a wonderful explanation for the remarkable dispersion of Jews around the world: “Someone has to own the stores.” However, the Diaspora originally was not intended to fill a marketing niche. In fact, it was not even our idea. The Emperor Hadrian thought of it, and he really was not trying to do us a favor.

He was quite angry with us.  Here he was having a perfectly enjoyable Pax Romana when Judea spoiled it all by rebelling. History does not even know why Judea rebelled. Hadrian was an excellent emperor. No one else had any complaints. At least when Judea rebelled some sixty years earlier, the Emperor then was the less than lovable Nero. Unfortunately, the Roman army did not consider that an adequate excuse and crushed the Jewish revolt.

Destroying Jerusalem in A.D. 70, Rome seemed to have made its point: Render unto Caesar–or else. However, that still was too subtle for my ancestors and we wanted a rematch. The second round, named for the belligerent and quite abrasive leader Simon Bar Kochba (the Michael Savage of his day) lasted from A.D. 133 to 135.

How would you expect a fight between one Ben Stiller and twenty Vin Diesels to end? Judea against Rome had the same odds.

After crushing this rebellion Hadrian decided that the surviving Jews needed a change of climate. Anywhere but Judea. What is Latin for ethnic cleansing? Even the name of the region was changed to emphasize Hadrian’s Jew-less goal. Invoking the name of the long-gone and now completely irrelevant Philistines, Hadrian ordered that Judea would henceforth be called Palestina.

The massive deportations would presumably encourage assimilation. Perhaps the Jews would learn comedy and medicine from the Greeks. Nonetheless, Hadrian attempted to enforce this assimilation by banning circumcision. (The Emperor was extremely fond of foreskins–and wouldn’t have appreciated Leviticus’ attitudes about his enthusiasm.) He further outlawed Jewish schools or any second century equivalent to Stanley Kaplan tutorials.

However, the prohibitions were limply enforced. How exactly would Roman law punish circumcision? Feed the indicted area to a lion? (The poor lion!) Hadrian’s successor dispensed with the Anti-Jewish prohibitions, realizing that 100 dietary laws were punishment enough.

Lieberman Endorses McCain

Following up that triumph, today Sen. McCain announced that he is being endorsed by every surviving cast member of “Gone With the Wind” who isn’t Olivia de Havilland. Fred Crane, who played Stuart Tarleton, said, “I was just so flattered to be asked. The free lunch was unnecessary.” Alicia Rhett, somewhat remembered as India Wilkes, endorsed the Senator exclaiming, “If he can find me, he can find Osama bin Laden.” This praise was echoed by Evelyn Keyes (alias Suellen O’Hara) except that she kept referring to Mr. McCain as President Roosevelt.

Olivia de Havilland is a Democrat but expressed her attraction to Mitt Romney. “He so reminds me of Sonny Tufts.”

Contrary to our cultural impressions, the refrigerator did not spring forth–practical, functioning and fully equiped–from the brow of Betty Furness during a 1950s television commercial. The earliest prototype was a French invention of 1911; it was nearly the size of a kitchen and had the sole purpose of chilling wine at a consistent temperature. How very French!

You can read my history of the refrigerator in the current issue of Boss Magazine. In the same issue, you will find my history of the Flu Pandemic of 1918. Fifty million died within four months of the virus; by contrast, ten million people were killed in the four years of World War I. The World War did spread the disease. Indeed, the Americans were inadvertently responsible for germ warfare. More than a third of our Doughboys went over there with the Flu. “Lafayette, We Are Here and So Are Our Germs.” Of course, the American public suspected that the Germans actually had created the disease. Having pioneered poisoned gas and submarine warfare, as well as subsidizing the Bolshevik Revolutions, the Germans certainly had not distinguished themselves for scruples. But they really did not have technology for creating viruses.

However, Americans were so suspicious of the Hun that they actually shunned one of the few remedies of the time that alleviated some of the flu’s discomfort. Patriotic Americans boycotted aspirin. After all, Bayer was a German company.

Here is a link to my articles.

http://www.dixonvalve.com/fgal/publications/Boss_Winter_2008_DIXBOS.pdf

The Influenza history is on page 20. The refrigerator history is on page 34.

Celebrity Item #1:

NEW NOSE CAUSES PANIC ATTACK ONSTAGE FOR TISDALE

Pop singer and High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale suffered a panic attack onstage in New York on Friday night after a recent rhinoplasty left her struggling for breath. The pretty blonde was showing off her new nose at the Z100 Jingle Ball – her first public appearance since undergoing the cosmetic procedure in Beverly Hills on November 30. Looking strikingly different, the 22-year-old took to the stage at Madison Square Garden despite a little obvious swelling from the cosmetic surgery. Tisdale reluctantly went under the knife to correct a severely deviated septum.

A deviated septum is the medical term for not wanting to look Jewish. The insurance companies require a good excuse to pay for a nose job. Your claims representative would dispute your need for an ambulance just because your leg was severed by the truck that ran over you (a tourniquet and a bus could get you to the hospital, too–if you really have to go). But that flint-hearted bureaucrat has not yet questioned the “apparent” epidemic of deviated septums in young women of certain affluent suburbs. (A deviated septum might occasionally occur in Kenilworth, Illinois but only as the result of a croquet accident.)

And, oy the irony, these young ladies usually look worse after their nose jobs. True, they no longer have a fleshy or slightly hooked probosis, but now their nostrils are parallel to their eyes. For fear of resembling Barbra Streisand, they now look like Miss Piggy. Furthermore, for all the money and discomfort, the operation really doesn’t fool anyone. Tiffany Tisdale (alias Morris–and you can only guess what it was at Ellis Island), here’s a dubious congratulations. You no longer look Jewish but it is obvious that you used to.

And now to the other ethnic extreme….

Celebrity Item 2:

Aristocrats may be oblivious to everyone but themselves, but on that topic they are usually experts. These two-legged thoroughbreds do know their pedigrees. Princess Diana never read Lord Byron, but she would have known which of her great-great-aunts had affairs with him. So I was quite surprised by a comment from Helena Bonham Carter. We know her as an actress with a decided affinity for the strange (and has two children with Tim Burton for proof). However, judging from the sixty entries for Bonham-Carter in Burke’s Peerage, she is also an aristocrat. She was named for her grandmother, Lady Helen Asquith, whose father was Prime Minister. And no doubt, with a little research, you’ll find some Bonham-Carter ancestress who was impregnated by Charles II.

Yet, as she claimed in an interview, when growing up she had no idea of the historical and social prominence of her family. I find that incredible. Was she brought up in an ashram in Belgravia? Even if her parents, the right honorable Bonham Carters, did a remarkable semblance of humility in her upbringing (Oh, great-grandfather just had a job in the civil service) how did they quarantine her from all the other toffs in their caste? Were the aunts, uncles, cousins and neighbors suppose to feign cockney accents in front of young Helena? Was she home-schooled to protect her from titled and hyphenated-surnamed classmates?

But maybe she was–which would explain why Helena Bonham Carter is strange rather than a snob.

I must really update my musical repertoire: Gershwin, Kern and a medley of World War I songs. However, “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” probably wasn’t meant to be sung in the shower. So I have appropriated another tune that might lend itself to my inner gangsta. (And Harold Arlen and Yip Harburg certainly had ghetto credentials–except that their form of Ebonics was called Yiddish.)

My life would be so much grander
If I knew how to pander.
I wouldn’t seem a wimp.
I could be so chicly seedy
As my ho’s peddle some VD
If I only were a pimp.

Turner Classic Movies will broadcast “The Adventures of Robin Hood ” tonight. So you can expect William Donahue and the Catholic League of Decency to picket the studio because all those Hollywood producers (that is spelled J-e-w-s) never depict Friar Tuck as handsome as Robin Hood.

Donahue’s current crusade is a public boycott of the movie version of “The Golden Compass.” Although the film has been sanitized to an ecumenical blandness, it is based on a book said to be critical of a totalitarian theocracy with excellent artistic taste. That obviously rules out Mormons, Southern Baptists and Moslems. You can bet your Bernini who that leaves.

“The DaVinci Code” also was a target of Donahue’s wrath. He was outraged by the film’s premise that Jesus would have dated a Jewish girl, a scandal hushed up by the Church’s version of Neo-Cons, Opus Dei. For all of Donahue’s fulminations on the talk shows, he did not harm that film’s popularity. Neither did the contemptuous reviews of the critics.

The “The Da Vinci Code” was ridiculous. But that is exactly how Opus Dei planned it. If the nefarious organization couldn’t suppress its scandalous secret, at least it successfully conspired to have the worst possible director make the movie.

Opus Dei would have preferred Ed Wood, but his cryogenic chamber beneath the Vatican failed. The Society nearly picked Garry Marshall; he would have transfigured the sinister plot into a puerile comedy. But there was the fear that the public would love Julia Roberts as Mary Magdalene.

The French members of the Society wanted Woody Allen to do the film. His Jesus would be an elderly Jewish neurotic who fancied himself being pursued by attractive and much younger shiksas. No one would see the film because they had already seen it a few dozen times before.

The more enlightened members of the Opus Dei–the ones who concede Galileo was right–actually wanted Peter Jackson to make “The Da Vinci Code.” Yes, the film would be a hit–but no one would believe it. Furthermore, the Treasury really would have benefited from the commercial tie-ins (McDonald chalices, Da Vinci jeans with codpieces.) Cardinal Ratzinger warned this faction, “Stop thinking like Jesuits.”

No, “The Da Vinci Code” required someone who could turn any plot into a catatonic muddle. And, when every other director in Hollywood was threatened with excommunication or another 2000 years of persecution, Ron Howard was offered the film.

Unfortunately, the film was so popular that Hollywood has to produce a sequel. If you don’t mind my trying to make a fortune, I can offer the studios these possibilities:

The Ameche Code: When read backwards in Latin, the script of “Heaven Can Wait” reveals that all of the moguls of Hollywood were descended from the Virgin Mary’s older sister Marla.

The De Niro Code: Forming Greek letters, Martin Scorsese’s ear hair reveals the truth about Jesus’ death. He was not crucified but shot in the head six times and His body was left in the trunk of a chariot.

The De Grassi Code: The discovery of Jesus’ high school yearbook shows the picture of a Messiah who couldn’t cure his own acne. You can see why He was not picked to be His homecoming’s King of Kings.

Do two wrongs make a right wing? Your standard high school history text will say that the Treaty of Versailles was an injustice to the German people. If you don’t dwell on the barbarian invasions, the Thirty Years War, Frederick the Great, Otto von Bismarck, and certain events of 1914, the Germans never showed a predilection for war. So the punitive and exploitive nature of the Treaty of Versailles was unjustified and unprecedented.

Except, if you are so petty to bring up the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. That was the punitive and exploitive treaty imposed by Imperial Germany on Russia in March, 1918. Germany, with a bit of help but mostly wishful thinking from Austria-Hungary, had won the Great War on the Eastern Front. It is a tribute to Russia’s stamina that her ill-led, untrained, occasionally armed troops withstood three years of slaughter by the very uncharitable Germans. By 1917, however, the Russians had adopted a decisive defensive tactic: killing their officers and deserting. Of course, this left the German army with no opposition to keep them out of Poland, the Ukraine and the Baltic States.

Furthermore, those sly Germans had subsidized the Bolshevik coup that had seized power in November, 1917. The Bolsheviks had pledged to withdraw Russia from the war and Imperial Germany certainly found that a worthwhile goal. The only problem was the details of the Treaty. In return for Lenin’s train fare from Switzerland, Germany demanded that Russia cede Poland, the Baltic States, the Ukraine, Belarus, and Finland. When confronted with those terms, Leon Trotsky walked out of the negotations. So the German army continued to walk into Poland, the Baltic States and the Ukraine. Trotsky walked back and signed away three centuries of Russian acquisitions in Europe. In the lands ceded by the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, Russia had lost half of her industries, nine-tenths of her coal mines and one third of her population.

Of course, that one third of the population did not mind losing Mother Russia but they were not exactly liberated either. While less tyrannical than Tsarist or Soviet Russia, Imperial Germany was no champion of liberal democracy. In the German scheme of things, Finland would be a monarchy; the Kaiser’s brother-in-law was available for that throne. Latvia and Estonia would be merged into a colony of Germany known as the United Baltic Duchy; of course, the Duke would be another German prince. Wilhelm of Wurtemberg was designated to be the King of Lithuania; in a gesture of ethnic sensitivity, however, Wilhelm offered to change his name to Mindaugas. As for Poland, don’t you mean East Prussia? The Ukraine and Belarus would be allowed nominal independence; but you can imagine that Krupp and Siemens would be operating the coal mines. Think of it as Heilaburton.

For all practical purposes, the Baltic Sea would have been a tributary of the Rhine. But the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk only lasted as long as the Imperial Army did. It collapsed before the onslaught of two million Doughboys and a medley of George Cohan songs. (In the wake of the German defeat, the Soviets regained the Ukraine and Belarus. The Finns and the Poles successfully defended themselves. The British guaranteed the independence of the Baltic States, moving in as the Germans left; the Soviets were fighting so many wars that they decided to forgo one over Estonia.)

Now, the peace terms were dictated to Germany. It had to admit responsiblity for the war and pay reparations. Germany found that outrageous; after all, it had only attacked Belgium in self-defense. Yet, as much as Germany protested, the Treaty of Versailles was not as onerous as the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. Otherwise, Bavaria would have been ceded to Italy in reparations for the Visigoths’ sack of Rome, and Bayreuth would have been restricted to performing Gilbert & Sullivan. (Yes, that actually would have been an improvement.)

So, the next time you hear the historical bromides about “the follies of Versailles”, mention Brest-Litovsk and venture what terms the Germans would have imposed on the West. Ireland, Algeria and India would have become independent earlier. After all, the Kaiser had several sons.

You may know that Iran’s President Mahmud Ahmadinejad has a blog. Did you know that I was ghostwriting it? This actually was one of the more reputable jobs that I found on Craigslist. So, of course, you want to know what Mahmud is really like.

I have no idea. I only know what I am told by his p.r. department, the typical collection of burned out reporters and bored debutantes. My supervising editor was Fatima Ahmadinejad. (No relative, because Moslems don’t count sisters.) Her instructions were to make Mahmud folksy, engaging and warm. I asked if he should be humorous. This question required a departmental conference and then a Sharia judgment. I was finally told that he could be funny so long as he did not seem Jewish or gay. So humor was out.

For each column, I was to be paid five barrels of oil. Since the payment is two weeks late, I feel free to offer this expose:

Mahmud does not actually know 47 ways to clean a Persian rug.

He really did dislike the last episode of Seinfeld. He would have had the cast driven into the sea.

He really is not using those centrifuges for nuclear weapons. Centrifuges are great for grilling goats, and they leave fewer ashes. (So you won’t need all those ways to clean a Persian rug.) Children also might enjoy decorating the centrifuges with fingerpaints and sparkle; but remember, no images of Mohammed.

He actually does not speak English but still is confident that he could beat George Bush on Jeopardy.

It is so gratifying when two rotten people find each other, a true meeting of the heartless. Otherwise, they might be afflicting the lives of more innocuous souls. In the case of Edward Albert Christian George Andrew Patrick David Windsor (nee Edward Albert Christian George Andrew Patrick David Saxe-Coburg-Gotha) he would have been ruining an entire nation.

If the British throne were reserved for the greatest upper class twit of the day, Edward VIII was indeed the rightful king. He had impeccable taste in clothing and complete distaste for democracy, tolerance, and any other manifestation of intelligence. In fact, he could not even master the well-mannered hypocrisy to mask his royal snits. As the Prince of Wales, he travelled throughout the Empire and generously conferred his racist opinions of the very people he was visiting. When a guest at a home, he expected the hostess to offer to sleep with him. However, he looked so good in his clothing that the infatuated Press and public never cared to delve beneath that dapper surface.

Since women were always throwing themselves at him, it is remarkable that a homely American social-climber made so great an impression on his self-satisfied mind. Bessie Wallis Warfield, so she was born and in equally pedestrian circumstances, wanted to rise in the world and had the predatory talent to do it. The impoverished Baltimore girl won scholarships to the best schools, but her aim was not the education but the social contacts. That acquired cachet and its admission into better circles afforded her marriage into the minor gentry; from there, she progressed to a second marriage into the nouveau riche. (Mr. Simpson’s family name was originally Samuels; at least he and his wife had social-climbing in common.) But Wallis Simpson aspired to old money, and the heir to the British throne certainly had that.

They met in 1934, and she quickly established herself as his mistress. No one then or now can explain how a homely, married American could have so completely enthralled the Prince of Wales. His mother, the Queen, conjectured that Mrs. Simpson was a sexual contortionist. (Of course, to Queen Mary, that could describe anything beyond the missionary position.) Others have speculated that Wallis Simpson bullied him and gratified some masochistic quirks. They did share a vicious, selfish nature with a soft spot for pug dogs. We can only speculate. Love is blind, probably from a veneral disease.

After the death of his father in 1936, the prince, now Edward VIII, let it be known that he intended to marry Mrs. Simpson and have her reign as Queen. The British government opposed it. Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin could ignore Hitler but not this affront to good taste. Everything was wrong about the twice-married, American social climber, including the fact that she had yet to divorce Mr. Simpson. If the King persisted, then Baldwin threatened to resign. Nor was the King finding any support from the royal family; on the contrary, the Windsors now could empathize with Richard III. And the Press too had finally noticed the King’s behavior. His tantrums didn’t wear as well as his clothing.

So, since he could not rule “with the woman I love”, Edward abdicated the throne and left Britain. Wallis finally got a divorce but not a king; she had to settle for a Duke. Nonetheless, the newly-wed Duke and Duchess of Windsor did have friends. American tabloids were touched by such a love story. There also was that nice little Herr Hitler; in fact, he even expressed a hope to put Edward back on Britain’s throne. The Duke and Duchess would frequently express their appreciation of that thoughtful Herr Hitler. (So Winston Churchill put them unofficially under house arrest in the Bahamas.)

But the Duke and the Duchess lived happily–well-dressed, selfish and vacuous–ever after.

This is the anniversary of his abdication. (And history remembers it as the only decent thing that he ever did.)

For the next four hours or so, I will be a hostage to my local phone company, awaiting a service call. It seems that I am about to be  upgraded, elevated and deified by getting a digital phone line. This state of sanctity really wasn’t my idea but the phone company left me no choice.

A few weeks ago I received the following letter…more or less:

Of course, you realize how inferior your analog phone lines are. Just think, every phone call you ever made was pathetic and primitive. But now you can do better. In fact, we insist on it. If you don’t switch over to our new digital service, we are going to drop you as a customer. That’s right: you won’t have any phone service at all. Better start learning semaphores.

Or you could have all the advances of our new digital service. The quality of your voice will be so improved that people will think you are working for a sex hotline. Furthermore, if you sign up now, you’ll discover that all those problems with our cable television service will somehow disappear. Wasn’t it strange that we always broadcast those civil alert tests during Final Jeopardy?

And best of all, when you sign up for our digital phone service, the Justice Department won’t think that you have anything to hide.

How could I refuse?