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Speaking of Oliver Cromwell, today is the anniversary of his most notorious campaign: the sack of Drogheda in 1649. The Irish remember it as a massacre while the English describe it as a siege: they are both right. Drogheda was an Irish town with Royalist sympathies and a backwater garrison whose heroism far surpassed common sense. The town’s 3000 militia and volunteers faced Cromwell’s 12,000 man “model army” and defied the English demand to surrender. What was that garrison thinking? Were there rumors of Cromwell’s affable nature or his military ineptitude? Had the garrison seen visions of St. Patrick doing a jig on the battlements? The punters in Dublin wouldn’t have given Drogheda good odds.

Now, the terms of a surrender should not be confused with a retirement package. The yielding garrison would have an indefinite term of imprisonment; however, it would be spared massacre or slavery–the very fate guaranteed if the garrison refused to surrender. Furthermore, the choice of surrender or death was not even Cromwellian. It was the standard etiquette of siege warfare–and dated back to Troy and Jericho.

Perhaps it was prospect of English food or mandatory bible classes, but Drogheda preferred to die. And it did. Cromwell’s army stormed the town, massacring the garrison and much of the civilian population. Some desperate souls sought sanctuary in the town’s Catholic churches; could you imagine a worse place to avoid the fury of Puritans? Even by the fairly lax standards of massacres, setting afire a crowded church was unusually odious.

The Irish have not forgotten Drogheda or Cromwell.

A contestant on “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire” was confronted with this question.

$16K The 2007 Showtime series “The Tudors” depicts the youthful escapades of what historic European ruler?
A. Henry VIII
B. Charlemagne
C. Louis XVI
D. Oliver Cromwell

The contestant had to ask the audience for helpl Fortunately, the audience was aware of Henry’s last name; and the lady from Kansas accepted the word of a bunch of New Yorkers (even if she is convinced that they are all going to Hell).

Nonetheless, I was impressed with the tinge of satire among the choice of answers: the youthful escapades of Oliver Cromwell? Now that would be a very short series.

Episode One: Oliver memorizes all 150 psalms.
Episode Two:  At Cambridge, in the throes of youthful silliness, Oliver stuffs two biscuits in his mouth. (He then chastises himself for his “ungodly excess of digestion.”)

However, since this is Showtime, the series will depict him having affairs with Jane Austen and the Duchess of Windsor.

DiCaprio Tapped In To Star On Film Version Of “I, Claudius”

New York, NY (CNS) – Three-time academy award nominated actor Leonardo DiCaprio is in talks to star in the big screen adaptation of the Robert Graves’ novel “I, Claudius.” Scott Rudin, whose credits include “The Queen” and “Notes On A Scandal,” is reported to have paid almost $2 million for the rights to the work that deals sympathetically with the life of the fourth Roman Emperor Claudius.

Dear Mr. Rudin,

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

No one would mind a remake of “Demetrius and the Gladiators”: Vin Diesel as Demetrius, Katie Holmes as Messalina, Morgan Freeman as St. Peter and DiCaprio as Caligula.

Or a remake of “Quo Vadis.” It has been six months since the last version.

But please leave “I, Claudius” alone. I concede that the BBC miniseries lacked battle scenes, special effects and D-cup actresses. It just had a marvelous script and brilliant acting presented over 13 episodes.
“I, Claudius” was a 12 hour masterpiece, and it cannot be supplanted by two hours of pizzaz.

Mr. Rudin, if you are determined to see Leonardo DiCaprio in a tunic, what about a remake of “Ben Hur”? At least, that would have the benefit of offending the NRA.

Sincerely (possibly threateningly) yours,

Eugene

The Petraeus Report today reassured the public that Iraq was “a wonderful show” and “a glorious production.” Describing the progress of democracy in the Middle East,the report stated “some things of human significance are at stake and some things of human value are involved. Thanks to the discerning casting, the values are sensitively preserved.”

Unfortunately, the report also raised a few questions. For example, who is Colonel Pickering? And why were the names of Lerner and Loewe crossed out and replaced with those of Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice? Upon further investigation, the Petraeus Report was revealed to be The New York Times’ original review of “My Fair Lady.”

A White House spokesman explained that the apparent plagiarism was simply the administration’s commitment to recycling. “Everything that Brooks Atkinson wrote could also describe Iraq. Aren’t we trying to transform a primitive society into a refined modern country? Iraq is Eliza and President Bush is Professor Higgins! And thanks to the surge, Baghdad is the kind of place you’d sing “On the Street Where You Live”.

BIN LADEN URGES AMERICANS TO CONVERT TO ISLAM

And here is the infomercial. (It preempted the Montagu Love film festival on Turner Classic Movies)

Tired of being an infidel? Wish you had a friend at OPEC? Well, what’s stopping you! Become a Moslem! We’d love to have you!
Convert now and take advantage of this special introductory offer.

So, the next time I turn to Mecca, I hope to see your backside.

Pope John XIII was killed by a jealous husband. The pontiff was caught in a communion. It is not that XIII was an unlucky number. Pope John XII died the same way–different husband, of course.

Peter the Great had inherited a medieval empire. Unfortunately, the 17th century really was an unopportune time to be medieval. Even Spain was only a century behind the times. The young Tsar was determined to modernize Russia, and he wanted to see western progress for himself. So, in 1697, he travelled “in cognito” through Germany, France, the Netherlands, and Britain. Peter was not as “in cognito” as he hoped, being 6’7″ and traveling with a large entourage. The King of England did not normally greet every tourist. And most tourists ask for fresh towels rather than an alliance against the Ottoman Empire. Nonetheless, Peter found the experience to be edifying and he returned home with plans to impose progress on Russia.

Peter would have a modern army and, for the first time in six centuries, a navy. (The last Russian fleet had been incinerated by the Byzantines.) However, modern armaments would be wasted as long as the Russian mind remained medieval. Peter was determined to modernize the society as well, starting with the aristocracy. The Russian nobility had been recycling Byzantine fashion for five centuries: retro is one thing but this was stagnation. Peter demanded that his nobles look like their peers in the west.

The ladies of the court found the new fashions immodest; in their traditional Muscovite garb, a neckline was literally a neckline. For the men of the court, the transistion was worse. In place of majestic enveloping robes, they now had to wear breeches, leaving no doubt as to the shape of their legs and anywhere else in the area. But Peter made those men feel truly naked by demanding that they shave. Russian men took great pride in their beards, but Peter regained the look as an embarrassing anachronism. No, his subjects would be as clean-shaven as Western Europeans–or else. On this day in 1698, Peter imposed a beard tax of 100 rubles annually on every Russian male except peasants and priests. In fact, even payment was no definite protection. If Peter was in one of his zanier moods, he personally would shave his hirsute subject.

Peter’s policies and tantrums did transform the aristocracy. By the early 19th century, the nobles of St. Petersburg would have been indistinguishable from those of London. (The nobles of Paris generally could be distinguished by their lack of heads or their employment as tutors in London and St. Petersburg.) The Russian aristocracy only spoke Russian to their servants; among themselves, ils parlent francais. Indeed, when Tsar Alexander I met Napoleon in 1807, it was noted that the Russian spoke the better French. The scholarship kid from Corsica had a thick accent and would have sounded like a French Tony Danza.

For the rest of Russian society, however, Peter’s reforms were either meaningless or just an added burden. The serfs probably had to work harder to pay for master’s western wardrobe. Peter had not addressed Russia’s injustices or brooding turbulence. He had merely transformed an isolated, backward nation into an aggressive, backward nation.

WWII BRITISH SPIES FRUSTRATED BY FBI
Associated Press

LONDON – British spies during World War II were frustrated by the lack of information-sharing with the FBI and feared Nazi agents could infiltrate Britain through the United States, newly declassified documents reveal.

J. Edgar Hoover was furious that British actress Vivien Leigh had been cast as Scarlett O’Hara, a role that Hoover felt was rightfully his.

The documents show that in 1941, before the United States had entered the war, MI5 officers were arguing for closer intelligence cooperation with the U.S. agency. They feared German agents could hide themselves among the thousands of American diplomats, military personnel, journalists and businesspeople entering the country in the wake of the Lend-Lease agreement under which the U.S. agreed to supply material support to the Allies.

There were some suspicion when Joseph Kennedy and Charles Lindbergh opened a fish-and-chips shop next to the Ministry of Defense.

Christopher Andrew, MI5’s official historian, said “Even though J. Edgar Hoover was a difficult person to deal with, he was much happier to cooperate with MI5 than he was with the CIA,.”

And that remains a proud tradition of the FBI.

Responding to reports of Senator Craig’s fun-raising activities, the Heritage Foundation has denounced public washrooms. “These cesspools of socialism only encourage the use of bodily functions. These are just liberal vices, the byproducts of digestive permissiveness. It is disgusting enough that anyone would commit such acts at all, and it is certainly not the role of government to facilitate such filth with public lighting or plumbing. Any form of squatting should be restricted to prayer.”

The Heritage Foundation has propose a constitutional amendment to outlaw bodily functions. “This will distinguish America from the rest of the dirty world. A shining city on the hill would not need sewers.”

Henri II deserves to be more popular. The French king (1519-1559) may have been stupid (he never demonstrated any evidence to the contrary) and he certainly was bigoted (ask any Huguenot who survived him), but his form of adultery should earn him considerable admiration. Henri left his wife for an older woman!

And I do mean older. His mistress Diane de Poitiers was 20 years his senior. Freud might have had something to say about that, although it would have only incited Henri to start persecuting Jews. Diane (1499-1566) was a woman of great charm and beauty; that could not be said about Henri’s wife: Catherine de Medici. (Catherine was quite intelligent, but Henri would have resented that.) Unfortunately, in his enthusiasm for Diane, Henri was continually affronting his wife. Guess who received court precedence or the pick of the best chateaux? Henri must have thought that his wife was good-natured. Did I mention that he was stupid?

In 1559, Henri apparently confused jousting with soccer, and attempted to catch a lance with his eye. It was not good for his health, or for Diane’s career. The new king of France was 15 years old and not in the market for a 60 year-old mistress. Besides, the real ruler of France–the Queen Mother–had a definite grudge against Diane. The unemployed courtesan did survive, but it was not a pleasant retirement. From a deluxe suite at the Louvre and a Loire estate at Chenonceau, Diane now found herself in the equivalent of a studio apartment frigidly far from anywhere of interest. She did seem to die of natural causes. Either Catherine did not live up to her murderous reputation or for once really got away with a crime.

Finally, by the standards of the 16th century, Diane had a very eccentric habit. She bathed daily. Of course, we now surmise that was the basis of her allure.