October 17, 1346:  The Battle of Neville’s Cross

King David II of Scotland thought that he was being clever. Imagining that the English army would be spending the next hundred years fighting in France, the sneaky Scotsman invaded his presumably defenseless neighbor. On this day in 1346, at the battle of Neville’s Cross, the English Home Guard could only amass 3500 retirees and 4-Fs to face 12,000 of Scotland’s stoutest lads. However, the English hobby of archery evidently proved more useful than the Scots’ caber toss. (You really could not expect the English to await patiently for a log to fall on them.)

The Scots were routed and King David II was captured. He would spend the next 11 years as an English prisoner, while the Scots and the English negotiated over his ransom. The Scottish opening bid likely was 8 sheep and a gallon of oatmeal. Scotland finally acceded to the sum of 16,000,000 pence. (The Scots refused to think in terms of paying pounds.) Of course, it hardly mattered because the Scots reneged anyway.

King David was actually rather lucky. Most of his successors died fighting the English: James II, James IV and James V. Mary Queen of Scots did not exactly fight the English but she ended up just as dead. James III had the originally to be killed in a civil war with his son, who evidently was in a hurry to be James IV.

Republican congressional candidate Rich Iott is bewildered by the hostile reaction to his fondness for Nazi SS uniforms.  The poor man just couldn’t think of another way to express his enthusiasm for beer and marzipan.  Well, I can empathize.  After watching “Going My Way”, I thought it perfectly natural to impersonate Torquemada.  (His way of getting people to reach high notes was as effective as Bing Crosby’s.)  The restraining order from the Archdiocese has persuaded me otherwise.  Now wiser, I can suggest to Mr. Iott a number of historical roles where he still get away with mass murder. 

For instance, he could be a Crusader.  Both the costumes and religious wars are chic.  Even if Mr. Iott can’t find any Saracen impersonators, he can always stage a siege of  Dearborn, Michigan.  He can also attack colleges as bastions of heresy.  (The Cathars really weren’t liberals, but none of them are left to protest.  That Crusade was a success.)  The Greek Orthodox are also fair game; robbing a coffee shop could be considered a reenactment of sacking Constantinople.  As for the Jews, those massacres are well past the statute of limitations; Eric Cantor might offer his endorsement as well as thanks for not killing him.

But if Iott would like a historical role that expresses family values, hatred of liberals, and a successful healthcare policy, he should impersonate Catherine de Medici.  Having nine children and sponsoring the massacre of Huguenots, Catherine de Medici embodies the Republican pro-life platform.  She also is remembered for her innovative way of providing medicine.  Laced into books and gloves as well as delicious additions to meals, her pharmaceutical treatments were remarkably effective.  Mr. Iott could recommend a similar program for Medicare and Medicaid recipients.

And if Mr. Iott tires of portraying Catherine de Medici, he can use the same dress to impersonate J. Edgar Hoover.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/10/15/laffaire-and-balanced-2/

School cafeterias to try psychology in lunch line

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced what it called a major new initiative Tuesday, giving $2 million to food behavior scientists to find ways to use psychology to improve kids’ use of the federal school lunch program and fight childhood obesity.

A fresh approach is clearly needed, those behind the effort say.

About one-third of children and teens are obese or overweight. Bans on soda and junk food have backfired in some places. Some students have abandoned school meal programs that tried to force-feed healthy choices. When one school district put fruit on every lunch tray, most of it ended up in the garbage.

When dealing with the adolescent mind, remember that there is no such thing.  It is a cauldron of hormones, overheated with anxieties and fears.  If you want the young to improve their eating habits, try a combination of temptation and terror.

First, convince the students that there is a direct correlation between the food’s appearance and theirs.  What 12 year-old girl wouldn’t want to improve her melons?  And boys would see the value of carrots and bananas.

Now, to discourage consumption of the wrong foods, create a traumatic identification with them.  Next to the pizza, post photos of lepers, the hideously deformed or the columnists of the Weekly Standard.  For added emphasis, have the kitchen staff work nude.

Finally, and admittedly this is a radical idea, but how about not serving junk food in the first place.  Since when are public schools a free market?  I don’t recall having much freedom of choice in the curriculum.  No one offered me the choice of taking geometry or reading Playboy Magazines.  (“Really, Eugene” chided his guidance counselor, “Geometry will be more useful in the long run.”)  I did take geometry and I assure you that I remember more about the centerfolds from the Sixties.  (Sue Bernard was the first Jewish one.)

So, forget about offering our students a choice.  Find out what the high school students in China are eating, and force-feed it to our brats.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/10/14/hastings-makes-wastings-3/

October 12, 1492:  Christopher Columbus Is Killed by the Aztec Navy

At least, that is what happened in an alternate, more logical universe.  In our three-dimensions Columbus simply mistook the Bahamas for Japan.  Other than desperation, he had no reason to think so.  The Arawaks did not exactly look Japanese.  Both the Mongol invasions and Marco Polo had provided Europeans with a fairly accurate stereotype of the Oriental appearance.  And even if the Japanese were just a third-rate, hand-me-down imitation of China, the Arawaks still failed any cultural or sartorial comparison.  On the other hand, if Columbus acknowledged his obvious failure, a very disappointed King Ferdinand might have turned the Genoese over to Torquemada.  Yes, the flammable Columbus was safer to insist that he had landed at the nudist colony of Kyoto.

And that is why Italian-Americans celebrate October 12th or at least its nearest Monday.  Columbus might have appreciated the attention but he certainly would have wondered why those people were claiming to be Italian.  Genoa and Naples may have shared a peninsula, but nothing else.  As any Lombard, Tuscan, Roman or Venetian would have agreed, the real Italy only extended as far south as Gaeta.  Beyond that–Campania, Calabria and Sicily–was western Greece.  Ironically, those Neapolitans, Calabrians and Sicilians (the forebears of most Italian Americans) would have agreed.  They did think of themselves as Greeks.  When Rome was just an obscure village Sicily and Southern Italy were valued regions of the Hellenistic world.  Naples originally was Neopolis, and Athens lost the Peloponnesian War because of its disastrous campaign in Sicily.

This Hellenic identification continued in the Middle Ages. The Byzantines held Sicily until the Arabs invaded in 827; and the Greeks and Sicilians put up such a tenacious resistance that the Moslem conquest of the island took more than a century. Indeed, the Moslems were too exhausted to effectively threaten the Italian mainland.

Southern Italy remained Byzantine until the 11th century, when a less heralded but equally profitable Norman invasion conquered the region. The final schism between Rome and Constantinople began at that time when the Catholic Church, under the auspices of those Norman parishioners, began appointing clergy in what had been Greek Orthodox dioceses.  Even after the loss of their Italian provinces, the Byzantines maintained their covert ties to the Sicilians and Southern Italians. In the 13th century, a weakened Constantinople could no longer reconquer its lost lands but it could help determine who would rule them. A French dynasty in Southern Italy seemed more hostile than its Aragonese rival. Demonstrating a genius for conspiracy that our CIA would envy, in 1282 the Byzantines helped organize an uprising against the French that we know as “The Sicilian Vespers.” The French were driven out, and the Aragonese moved in.  They then would spend the next two centuries dueling for control of Southern Italy, leaving the Byzantines free of further threats from the West.  (The Turks were coming from the East.)

Even today,  in isolated areas of Southern Italy the populace speaks a dialect of Greek.  So Columbus certainly would wonder why all these Byzantines were claiming to be his paisanos.

Times are tough, so I have had to take a job as the drama critic for Fox News.   Here is my first review.

Once again Public Television and those fancy English writers show their contempt for American values, especially normal sex, with a heavy-handed portrayal of a working class family.  The dialogue is unintelligible, no doubt PBS’ idea of Redneck accents, so I could barely understand the plot of “Mac and Beth”.  They seem to be a struggling couple. Mac apparently is a migrant gas worker.  First, he is working for Methane of Glamis, then for Methane of Cawdor.  Beth thinks he can do better.  So he sees these three social workers, who get him into some management program.  

But even that evidently doesn’t bring in much more money.  He still can’t afford cable television.  With lousy reception, Mac can’t tell “Is this a dagger which I see before me?”  Beth apparently has a job as a manicurist but must take her work too seriously.  Mac’s workplace seems to have a lot of industrial accidents and, without socialized European healthcare, everyone has to walk around like a corpse.  (By the way, doesn’t Banquo sound like a Hispanic name?  Mac’s entitled to his suspicions.)  

The play, reflecting the social bias of British liberals and PBS subscribers, also offers a none-too-subtle attack on American education.  What happened to Mrs. MacDuff certainly is an outlandish criticism of home schooling.  We know in real America the children would be better armed than bureaucrats from the Department of Education.

Of course, Mac and Beth end badly but nothing happens to the three social workers.   They are still around to interfere in our lives, corrupting us with their big government liberal promises.  And you will hear the same story tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.  It is a tale told by Fox News.

Hollywood has always defeated the Vikings. There has yet to be a good movie about the Norse adventurers and marauders.

(No, you can’t count “The Virgin Spring.” Bergmann’s film is set at a time contemporary to the last Vikings, but it deals with the sedate Scandinavians. These are the ones who stay home, make Lutefisk and observe the new, allegedly more passive theology.)

I have seen four films that attempt to be Viking sagas.

The 13th Warrior might actually be a docu-drama: the truth behind “Beowulf”! A troupe of Norse warriors, accompanied by an Arab chronicler (Antonio Banderas who apparently can’t pass as a Dane), contend with a horde of cannibal troglodytes. In a meticulous observance of historical detail, none of the troglodytes are wearing Nascar decals. The battle scenes are good but the film has the subtlety of Cliffs Notes. For instance, the troglodytes are called the Wendols; gee, doesn’t that sound like Grendel! All these comparisons will be pounded into your head–so now you won’t have to read “Beowulf”.

The Long Ships has Richard Widmark as a brave but luckless Viking hoping to repay his debts by finding/stealing a fabulous treasure: the world’s largest solid gold bell. Apparently, everyone else has lost track of the bell, so it is just awaiting Widmark to collect it. However, the sight of a Viking fleet off North Africa does get the attention of the local Emir, played by a humorless Sidney Poitier who obviously is furious at his agent. The Saracens will vie and fight with the Vikings over who gets the treasure. And you will marvel at your stamina, watching the film while muttering “this is so stupid.”

“Eric the Viking” is actually a theological comedy, the saga of the title character’s visit to Valhalla. Written and directed by Terry Jones, this “Grim Pillage Progress” really is only one-fifth as good as Monty Python.  However, there is a very interesting explanation of the Norse Gods: they are vicious children.    That could be the most rational explanation of most theology.

And finally, there is that epic of miscasting “The Vikings” with Issur Demsky and Bernard Schwartz leading the Norsemen. Landing on the lower east side of Old York, in their dragonhead pushcarts….Actually, that would have been more believable. Perhaps Issur could pass for a Kirk Douglas or even a Viking; but Bernard? If there is ever a Tony Curtis Museum of Elocution, the shrine must include his invocation of “Toar” and “Oodun”.

If anyone here has seen a good Viking film, I await your review.

Yugin of the Arched Eyebrow

Brown Campaign Apologizes to Whitman Over Slur

New York Times

A political aide to Jerry Brown, the Democratic candidate for governor in California was heard suggesting that  the Republican candidate Meg Whitman is “a whore.”

The Whitman campaign expressed its outrage.

 

And so do I.  With a MBA from Harvard, Meg Whitman would be a madam.   A Harvard pimp would know exactly where to put Adam Smith’s invisible hand.  Just imagine the pro-active, synergized win-win managerial cliches that Madam Whitman would bring to the brothel.  For the sadists and masochists, there would be a frequent flayer program.  (With 25,000 welts, you are upgraded to a Gucci face mask.)  Since Ms. Whitman would register her business as a medical research center–Whorvard– the client’s investments would be tax-deductible.

Of course, the workers (alias stakeholders, teammates, add your favorite HR gibberish) would have to be downsized, and I don’t mean replacing Ukrainians with Thais.  Instead of wasting money on forged green cards and penicillin, the MBA brothel would replace those superfluous humans with cheaper and far more compliant plastic dolls: the Whitman Vamplers.  All will have pre-recorded cassettes to exclaim the client’s manhood and unparalleled stamina.  Custom recordings can also accommodate fetishes and political preferences.  (Senator David Vitter likes his dolls to talk dirty about Charles Darwin.)  In short, the Whitman vamplers would be everything a client would want in a second wife. 

And Meg Whitman offers the same managerial efficiency to government.  What MBAs would do to a brothel, she’ll do to California.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2007/10/09/leif-ericson-day/

Last night the family and friends celebrated my wife’s birthday at a popular restaurant, part of the California chain not founded by Father Serra.  (Mind you, think of how well he might have done offering pepperoni and avocado communion wafers!)  At the bottom of the check was the now all too familiar enticement:  “Tell us about your experience for a chance to win $500 in our weekly cash drawing.”  Go to a drugstore for coughdrops and your receipt will have a similar survey request.  I will admit that I have occasionally gone online to fill out these surveys.  It is my way of thanking some anonymous MBA for doing nothing more harmful than crafting a ridiculous questionnaire.

So what did I divulge to the marketing department of “California Pizza Kitchen”.  Here are some of the questions–at least how I remember them.

Why are you here?

• 1.  I like the food. 
• 2.  There’s got to be something on the menu to please my picky nephew, although he then will waste half of the food.
• 3.  To atone in this life for the undeserved success in my previous incarnation.  (Was I Louis XV or James Dean?)

Would you notice if your server had a hideous skin disease?

• 1.  Yes.
• 2.  No.
• 3.  I might have mistaken the eczema flakes for croutons.

Name your three favorite signatories of the Treaty of Westphalia.

Are you still here?

• 1.  I was a history major and a Hapsburg junkie.
• 2.  I made up the names of the three signatories, as if a second-rate MBA like you would know the difference. 
• 3.  For the chance at $500, I went to Wikipedia for the answers.  It says the Treaty of Westphalia established standards for baked ham.

Do you really believe that we are giving away $500?

• 1.  Yes, but I am obviously an idiot.
• 2.  Of course not, but my boss just passed by and I didn’t want to be caught looking at a porn site.
• 3.  It’s me, Scott from your Marketing class at Northwestern.  Hope you don’t mind but but I am plagiarizing this survey for Burger King.

October 6, 1891:  The proper thing to do

Charles Parnell (1846-1891), the leader of the Irish representatives in Parliament, was a veritable kingmaker. Shifting his bloc to the Tories or the Liberals, he could determine who would be Prime Minister. However, Parnell was not quite so adroit in his personal affairs. A Captain O’Shea noticed that his wife’s younger children seemed to resemble Mr. Parnell, and the indignant husband began divorce proceedings. Mr. Parnell’s name was conspicuous in the accusations.

One can’t be monogamous with someone else’s wife.  Of course, Parnell attempted to do the “proper thing” but a certain Church prominent in Ireland does not approve of divorce. He only outraged the Church further when he married his divorced mistress. From pulpits and in the Irish press, Parnell was condemned.  With his status as a pariah, he was abandoned by the Irish members of Parliament. Under the strain, Parnell died soon after of a heart attack.  It was on this day in 1891.

“The Uncrowned King of Ireland“, Parnell had been a proponent of Home Rule for this country. He alone seemed capable of controlling the sectarian rifts between the Ulster and Catholic Irish members of Parliament. Prime Minister Gladstone needed that solid Irish bloc to support his bill for Irish Home Rule. Without Parnell’s leadership, the Ulster members joined with the Tories and blocked the passage of Home Rule. The majority of Ireland’s population would remain unwelcome guests in their own country.  The best chance for a peaceful integration of Ireland into the United Kingdoms was lost, and the consequence was to be rebellion and civil war.

Parnell might have been consoled to know that he would be portrayed by Clark Gable in a Hollywood saga.  Unfortunately, it also was Gable’s worst role.

October 4, 1957:  Those Filthy Communists Start the Space Race

What was a Sputnik?  On October 4, 1957, the news of a Soviet satellite eclipsed the premiere of “Leave It to Beaver.”  Didn’t the Cleaver Family realize that it now was in peril?  (Eddie Haskell was too evil to die.)  Our American sense of complacency was shattered.  Of course, we could have blamed Hollywood for the Communist triumph.  After all, in the early Fifties we had blacklisted Larry Parks and Howard DaSilva for losing  China to the Reds?  With Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis, Hollywood even had a new crop of New York Jews to scapegoat….

Strangely enough, however, the country remained surprisingly sedate.  Yes, considering that Soviet missiles probably were targeted at every grade school, we now would have a national policy of air raid drills.  Fortunately, hiding under a desk or lining up against a wall of metal lockers are equally effective safeguards against a 8000 degree thermonuclear blast.  And now the American dream house would include a fallout shelter.

And some of the other reactions were actually useful.  Public schools now were encouraged to teach science.  If the Soviets were endoctrinating their little Red Pioneers with chemistry and physics, America’s children could no longer afford to be blithely ignorant.  “Knowledge is power!” said Frank Bacon (Francis doesn’t sound sufficiently American), and that would be our national policy.  Naturally, we weren’t going to forfeit the skies to the Commies; we would build satellites, missiles and rockets too.  We would race them to the Moon, and may the best socio-economic system win!

True, the Space Race didn’t turn out to be as fantastic as Stanley Kubrick imagined, but it was pretty cool.  The youngsters will just have to take our word for it.