Your RDA of Irony

Our Foundering Fathers

The Tea Party says that it simply wants to restore our founding principles.   Of course, it would have preferred writing them….


Our Declaration of Independence


When in the course of American events, we find it necessary to rebel against foreigners, we’re gonna do it.  Of course, we have our reasons, not that it is anyone’s business.  That’s the whole point of this.


But we do have a few things to get off our chests.


First, how can we be subjects of the King of England if he is not even English.  The guy is a German.  Sure, George III claims that his great-great-great grandmother was 3/8ths British.  Even if you believe that, that makes him 3/256ths of  one of us.  Would that entitle him to a green card, let alone the throne?  And did George von Hanover even have the basic decency to marry an Englishwoman. No, his frau is Charlotte von Mecklenburg-Strelitz?  The Kraut is just rubbing it in.  So he is King of England?  Let’s see his birth certificate.


Next.  Maybe we should have revolted sooner but we really resent this new Gregorian calendar.  It is supposed to be “oh so” scientific and accurate, and all the fancy nations in Europe are using it.  Right, we want to be just like France.  So England forced us to adopt it in 1752 and we lost 11 days.  Our lives were shortened!  And what’s to stop England from cutting a month off of  the next calendar.  Maybe February doesn’t meet the approval of  the scientific elitists?  It may be their science, but it is our time and we will keep it at our own pace. 


Finally, why did there have to be 13 colonies?  That is a pretty Satanic thing for England to do.  And if the jinx weren’t bad enough, the names of the colonies are humiliating.  What grown man wants to be called a Virginian?  Carolinian, Marylander and Connecticutie are just as suggestive.  But at least you can pronounce them.  Do you say Massachusettsian or Massachusettite?  Well, in our America, state names will be prim, neuter and humorless. 


So, despite the breakdown of Mr. Adams, the defection of General Washington and the suicide of Mr. Jefferson,  we of the Tea Party Convention pledge our lives, our sacred honor as well as the generous donations of Versailles Reality and Triangle Trade.

  1. Kate says:

    You think any of them would ever find their way to this web site? Would they comprehend complex sentences? Could they be able to pronounce Massachusettsian?

    And besides THAT, I want my 11 days back!!

    • Eugene Finerman says:

      Dear Kate,

      I am not sure that I can pronounce Massachusettian without at least 8 hours of sleep, followed by two cups of coffee.

      You can get that 11 days (plus another two by now) but only if you join a Greek Orthodox convert. (I trust you are too reputable to try crashing a monastery.) They are still on the Julian calendar.


  2. Peg Pruitt says:

    I once wondered on the Jeopardy! message board whether folks from Massachusetts (like me) are called Massachusettians or Massachussettites. Dan Pawson, Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions winner, ended my speculation. His answer? Bay Staters! Gotta love it!

    • Eugene Finerman says:

      Dear Peg,

      Well, the name “Setters” had already been taken. You also have the all-encompassing term “New Englanders” which also spares your neighbors from having to identify themselves as Hams and Monties.


  1. There are no trackbacks for this post yet.

Leave a Reply