Posts Tagged ‘Declaration of Independence’

Our Foundering Fathers

Posted in General on September 28th, 2010 by Eugene Finerman – 4 Comments

The Tea Party says that it simply wants to restore our founding principles.   Of course, it would have preferred writing them….


Our Declaration of Independence


When in the course of American events, we find it necessary to rebel against foreigners, we’re gonna do it.  Of course, we have our reasons, not that it is anyone’s business.  That’s the whole point of this.


But we do have a few things to get off our chests.


First, how can we be subjects of the King of England if he is not even English.  The guy is a German.  Sure, George III claims that his great-great-great grandmother was 3/8ths British.  Even if you believe that, that makes him 3/256ths of  one of us.  Would that entitle him to a green card, let alone the throne?  And did George von Hanover even have the basic decency to marry an Englishwoman. No, his frau is Charlotte von Mecklenburg-Strelitz?  The Kraut is just rubbing it in.  So he is King of England?  Let’s see his birth certificate.


Next.  Maybe we should have revolted sooner but we really resent this new Gregorian calendar.  It is supposed to be “oh so” scientific and accurate, and all the fancy nations in Europe are using it.  Right, we want to be just like France.  So England forced us to adopt it in 1752 and we lost 11 days.  Our lives were shortened!  And what’s to stop England from cutting a month off of  the next calendar.  Maybe February doesn’t meet the approval of  the scientific elitists?  It may be their science, but it is our time and we will keep it at our own pace. 


Finally, why did there have to be 13 colonies?  That is a pretty Satanic thing for England to do.  And if the jinx weren’t bad enough, the names of the colonies are humiliating.  What grown man wants to be called a Virginian?  Carolinian, Marylander and Connecticutie are just as suggestive.  But at least you can pronounce them.  Do you say Massachusettsian or Massachusettite?  Well, in our America, state names will be prim, neuter and humorless. 


So, despite the breakdown of Mr. Adams, the defection of General Washington and the suicide of Mr. Jefferson,  we of the Tea Party Convention pledge our lives, our sacred honor as well as the generous donations of Versailles Reality and Triangle Trade.

The Commercial of Independence

Posted in General, On This Day on July 3rd, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments

Thomas Jefferson was the copywriter of the Declaration of Independence. Yes, alas, our country’s founding document is a masterpiece of product placement. In fairness to Jefferson, the shameless hucksterism was not his idea. Poor Tom was manipulated and bullied by the business manager of the Continental Congress.

The Congress had hired a young Scotsman, an economics major at Columbia, to get corporate discounts on quills–and maybe a few “comps” at Philiadelphia taverns. But the teenage “go-getter” took the initiative of selling advertising space on the Declaration. The income covered his salary as well as a consulting fee for John Hancock. Any money leftover would be sent to the Continental Army. So Jefferson was told that he had to insert the commercial plugs into his writing.

Some of Jefferson’s most stirring prose was actually ad copy. Consider his evocation of “Nature’s God.” That was not an expression of his deism but an endorsement of a then popular laxative. (The combination of tobacco and pork fat really is effective.) Unfortunately, many of the advertisers were infuriated by misprints in the Declaration. For example, there was to be an ad touting the inn of Aileen and Abel Wright; but no one wants to stay at an “Un.” And you can imagine the indignation of the wig manufacturer The Hirsute of Happiness. The corrections were made on the second printing of the Declaration, but no one apparently read it.

Many of the delegates at the Continental Congress resented the blatant commercialism and their exploitation as celebrity endorsers. (Only Ben Franklin was allowed to market Ben Franklin!) The Declaration was almost voted down; by and large, the delegates preferred the tyranny of George III to that of Alexander Hamilton. The American Revolution was saved when Jefferson added a codicil to the Declaration; only then, the delegates eagerly pledged “our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.” Surprisingly, it took 28 years before a hitman collected on the contract.