Posts Tagged ‘June 18th’

Spam Buffet

Posted in General, On This Day on June 18th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

I am learning to appreciate pornographic spam.  At least, it is grammatical and intelligible.  None has yet offered to enhance my pensive.

In sorry contrast, consider these messages.  Here is one from devoted reader Accutleroorie:

Converting Measurements Online

The Internet has made it easier to switch sundry measurements. Unprejudiced be appropriate online and type the measurements you after to convert. You pleasure see not too sites. Click one.

You will see fields with labels like “cm to in”, “in to cm”, mm to cm” etc. Reasonable put down the figure you necessitate to change. Click “work out” or “change”. The results will-power be displayed. There are also online calculators you can use.

Worse, I think that this was plagiarized from my television owner’s manual.

And I just heard from my enthusiastic reader Gearldine Delashmutt:

a lot far more webmasters ever before determine all your things internet websites prefer to offer you folks may fit appropriate in preparing to check back

Yes, please do check back and I’ll teach you how to spell Geraldine.  In your case, Ms. Delashmutt, crime doesn’t pay, and high school evidently didn’t either.

I obviously don’t have a criminal mind, despite being in public relations, so I don’t understand the point of this illiterate messages.  Am I supposed to be lured by “Gearldine” to divulge my credit cards or social security number?  I am not offering my editorial services to aspiring felons–other than MBAs–but why don’t you sociopaths just plagiarize my work.  

Really, you are likely to get more readers/victims with this lead:

Today is the 196th anniversary of Waterloo. As you can imagine, I have spent the day comforting Catherine Deneuve, Carol Bouquet, Juliette Binoche and Eva Green. (All right, try to imagine it.)

Besides, the name Eugene Finerman seems somewhat more plausible than Gearldine Delashmutt.

p.s.  And since it really is the anniversary of Waterloo:

My Career as a Scriptwriter

Posted in General on June 18th, 2010 by Eugene Finerman – 3 Comments

Leonardo DiCaprio has been recruited by Clint Eastwood to play former head of the FBI J. Edgar Hoover.

Of course, I would have cast Linda Hunt to play J. Edgar Hoover.  She would be the right height…among other things.  Nonetheless, I believe that Eastwood will do an intelligent and insightful film, which is more than J. Edgar deserves.

Imagine what other directors would do…

Ridley Scott’s “Hoover” begins at the battle of the Argonne, where young Lieutenant Hoover (played by Russell Crowe) defeats the German army and personally arrests the Kaiser.  Pursuing justice becomes the sole purpose of his life, suppressing any other interests.  (Ahem.  Ridley does show that Hoover has an autographed picture of Lawrence of Arabia.)  Hoover will subsequently defeat the 50,000 members of the Capone/Dillinger gang in a shootout at Wrigley Field.  Then, in Korea, he vanquishes the Red Chinese army and its leader Ethel Rosenberg.

 Ron Howard’s “Hoover’ introduces us to third-grade patrol boy (Tom Hanks) who sees how the inherent depravity of jay-walking leads to a life of crime and treason.  In Howard’s interpretation, J. Edgar’s only ambiguity is that he sometimes confuses himself with Herbert Hoover.

 Judd Apatow’s “Hoover” has Jonah Hill realizing that the only way he can get a date is by arresting the woman.  Costarring Katherine Heigl as Bonnie Parker, Scarlet Johansson as Ma Barker and Drew Barrymore as Eva Braun.

Pedro Almodovar’s “Hoover” has Javier Bardem with a crush on Franklin Roosevelt (played by Antonio Banderas).  He hopes to break up the President’s marriage by framing Eleanor (Penelope Cruz) as a Communist bootlegger.

You know, I would be willing to see any of these films–except Ron Howard’s.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: