Your RDA of Irony

Let’s Have Another Cup of Kaffiyeh….

The sight of Rachel Ray in a paisley scarf apparently is an endorsement of terrorism. Dunkin’ Donuts has acknowledged as much by withdrawing a television commercial featuring Ms. Ray in her chic of Araby. Knowing the intellectual standards of advertising, if there were a subliminal message in the scarf, it would be Kaffiyeh– “coffee yea!”

But the danger is far greater than just a scarf: coffee is an Arabic word! Yes, like any terrorist, qahwah has disguised its real identity by passing itself off under a false name–the Italianized caffe. Generations of Americans have been addicted to this Arabic drug, and recent demographic studies have revealed what must be qahwah’s insidious effects. Americans are become smaller and darker. (I can personally attest to looking Semitic.)

Our national survival demands that we stop drinking qahwah. Without having to acknowledge that the American Revolution was a mistake, we could resume drinking tea. But tea is a Chinese word, and that nation is not exactly trustworthy either. Milk might seem wholesome but it is dangerously similar to the Iranian word melq. (Damn Indo-Europeans.) Perhaps we should adapt the habits of our Founding Fathers. John Adams, Ben Franklin and Button Gwinnett drank hard cider and ale for breakfast. (Washington could afford wine.) Of course, we cannot endorse “alcohol” as our national beverage–if only because alcohol is an Arabic word. But there is nothing subversive about the Dutch word “booze.”

So, for the sake of Western Civilization, start off each day with an Irish coffee–but skip the coffee.

  1. Bob Kincaid says:

    Sidebar: The Founding Fathers were lushes. Not a one could pass a 21st Century American Substance Abuse quiz. Half would be disqualified by the Laudanum alone, while the other half’s cider intake would qualify as “Chronic Alcoholic” at any so-called recovery center in America.

    The Puritans, dull and hateful and hung-up as they were, were loaded, too. They didn’t drink beer, didn’t drink one, and never touched likker. They did, however, rationalize that since the bible says nothing about cider that they were free to consume that and condemn the winos and hopheads.

    When John (“Johnny Appleseed”) Chapman headed west with his seeds and grafts, he carried not a single apple fit to eat. He did, however, carry enough rootstock and cuttings to plant CIDER orchards from Ohio to Illinois.

    Why do ya’ think they call ’em “WINEsaps?”

    The best (in both senses of the word) part of America’s early history is a history of people facing the day with an eye-rattling buzz going.

  2. So the actual quote was, “Don’t fire until you see the reds of their eyes.”

    Keep in mind that booze was healthier than water at the time. The reason that tea seemed so beneficial was because the water first had to boiled.


  3. Peggles says:

    I’ll drink to that!

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