Your RDA of Irony

Happy New Year!

It is the Jewish New Year. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Mel Gibson haven’t wished us away yet.

The stereotype of Jewish intelligence is clearly refuted by our ridiculous calendar. Any attempt at explanation would induce complete befuddlement and possible psychosis. The Jewish calendar is probably just another of God’s zany torments of His Chosen People.

God commanded Abraham to slay his son Isaac. The faithful Abraham prepared to make the sacrifice, But an angel stayed Abraham’s hand. The angel said, “Spare your son, and observe this calendar instead.” And Abraham begged, “Really, it would be easier to kill the boy.”

If the Jewish calendar can’t be intelligible, at least it could be cute. Look what the Chinese have done with a menagerie of symbols. The year of the dragon, the snake…

In fact, we could simply translate the Chinese zodiac into its Jewish equivalents.

The Rat=MBAs and personal injury lawyers

The Ox=Jews in bathing suits in Florida

The Tiger=Hadassah chairlady/family tyrant (Ayn Rand)

The Rabbit=Most of us in gym class

The Dragon=Jewish American Princess

The Snake=Neo-Conservatives

The Horse=Shiksa in-law towering over her husband (Mrs. Henry Kissinger)

The Goat=long-suffering schlemiel who insists on telling you everything that’s wrong with his business and his health.

The Monkey=Show biz!

The Rooster=The family’s most egotistical success (usually married to the Horse)

The Dog=The primary reason we remain a minority group (Pug Dog=sometimes rhinoplasty helps)

The Pig=When it comes to table manners, we are never confused with Episcopalians. (But who worries about the right fork when you are devouring pure cholesterol.)

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