Posts Tagged ‘Rosh Hashahah’

Happy New Year

Posted in General on September 30th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

First, let me wish myself a Happy New Year. (You, too–when applicable.) In the Jewish chronology, this new year is 5769. Of course, that’s just the retail value. Between us, at most it should be 3495.

So, looking back at the last year, what were the high points of being Jewish? Of course, we are all thrilled that Amy Winehouse is still alive. It also is flattering to think that Lindsey Lohan is dating a Jewish girl and might consider converting. (That should more than compensate for losing Gustav Mahler to Catholicism.)

And you cannot describe our pride in knowing that Joseph Lieberman is John McCain’s Rabbi Richelieu. We should also proclaim the tutorial brillance of William Kristol if Sarah Palin now knows the names of three European capital cities.

We also take vicarious pride in Nicolas Sarkosy. The President of France may only be one quarter Jewish but he is 100 percent pushy. You would not want to be in front of him at the lox platter. I could imagine him starring in the French production of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

This year’s Nobel Prizes were a bit unnerving, however. Gentiles won in all the real categories–even medicine. Fortunately, we always have economics as a consolation prize. And the winners–and our saviors–were Leon Hurwicz, Eric Maskin and Roger Myerson.

However, the Smartest Jew of the Year has to be actress Rachel Weisz. She took one look at the script of “The Mummy, part III” and decided to let someone else have the role. (Poor Maria Bello)

So, it is another year for Western Civilization’s Longest Running Road Show. Still under original management!

Happy New Year!

Posted in General on September 13th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

It is the Jewish New Year. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Mel Gibson haven’t wished us away yet.

The stereotype of Jewish intelligence is clearly refuted by our ridiculous calendar. Any attempt at explanation would induce complete befuddlement and possible psychosis. The Jewish calendar is probably just another of God’s zany torments of His Chosen People.

God commanded Abraham to slay his son Isaac. The faithful Abraham prepared to make the sacrifice, But an angel stayed Abraham’s hand. The angel said, “Spare your son, and observe this calendar instead.” And Abraham begged, “Really, it would be easier to kill the boy.”

If the Jewish calendar can’t be intelligible, at least it could be cute. Look what the Chinese have done with a menagerie of symbols. The year of the dragon, the snake…

In fact, we could simply translate the Chinese zodiac into its Jewish equivalents.

The Rat=MBAs and personal injury lawyers

The Ox=Jews in bathing suits in Florida

The Tiger=Hadassah chairlady/family tyrant (Ayn Rand)

The Rabbit=Most of us in gym class

The Dragon=Jewish American Princess

The Snake=Neo-Conservatives

The Horse=Shiksa in-law towering over her husband (Mrs. Henry Kissinger)

The Goat=long-suffering schlemiel who insists on telling you everything that’s wrong with his business and his health.

The Monkey=Show biz!

The Rooster=The family’s most egotistical success (usually married to the Horse)

The Dog=The primary reason we remain a minority group (Pug Dog=sometimes rhinoplasty helps)

The Pig=When it comes to table manners, we are never confused with Episcopalians. (But who worries about the right fork when you are devouring pure cholesterol.)