I came across this entertaining verse on English history, written in the 19th century, distinguishing the first four King Georges.

George the First was always reckoned
Vile, but viler George the Second;
And what mortal ever heard
Any good of George the Third?
When from earth the Fourth descended
God be praised, the Georges ended.

–Walter Savage Landor

It is good doggerel but poor history.  Let’s see if I can do better.

I’ll answer with candor
The errs of Walt Landor…
George First was the worst, unspeakably vile.
So reckon the Second inversely mild.
The Third, be assured, a well-meaning churl.
His diligent efforts lost the New World.
The Fourth, I discourse, was shamelessly bad:
A gluttonous wastrel, bigamist cad.
(The year of his death, 1864,
Kept Landor from rhyming for two Georges more)
The Fifth was a stiff, a true head of staid,
But fought cousin Wilhelm’s attempt to invade.
The Sixth stood affixed and showed majesty
In “their finest hour” of Brit’ history.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/23/history-rumors-and-hollywood/

Elon Lindenstrauss, Ngo Bao Chua, Stanislav Smirnov and Cedric Villani are awarded the Fields Medal for their work in mathematics.

 Fields Medals are awarded every four years to mathematicians no older than 40, and two to four mathematicians can receive them each time they are presented. Canadian mathematician John Charles Fields created the medals, which were first awarded in 1936. Along with a gold medallion inscribed with the winner’s name, the awards bring a cash prize of about $13,300.

The prize winning topic was “Mathematics doesn’t pay.”  In his research, Israeli Elon Lindenstrauss showed how he could earn more working part-time at H&R Block.  Vietnamese Professor Ngo also proved that the cash was barely equivalent to what he makes at the Hewlett Packard Call Center; Ngo further noted that “the math wasn’t as much fun as deliberately misinforming Americans”.  Frenchman Villiani postulated that only accurate mathematics does not pay; in his research as a headwaiter at a three-star Michellin restaurant, he demonstrated how you can make a three look like a nine on a check. 

As both a Russian and a mathematician, Smirnov proved that money is a foreign concept.  Smirnov also offered the most interesting response when asked how he would spend his prize money.  “I will give the money to the first person who threatens to kill me.”   Being civic-minded, he hoped that it would be a Russian policeman rather than some other criminal.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:

If Only Lincoln and Douglas Debated Today

On this day in 1858, Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas held the first of seven debates in their campaign for the U.S. Senate. Each debate lasted three hours and addressed only one question. Somehow the two men carried on without an interrogating panel of reporters or pundits. It evidently was a more primitive time. Here is how a modern debate would have been….

Reporter: Mr. Lincoln, you are quoted as saying that “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” What is the basis of your harsh criticism of the American construction industry?

Lincoln: You misunderstand me. It is a quotation from the Bible which I used as metaphor reflecting the divisive issue of slavery.

Douglas: I refuse to believe that the Bible is critical of the American construction industry. May God forgive you, Mr. Lincoln!

Pundit: Mr. Douglas, you were known to have courted Mary Todd before she married Mr. Lincoln. Do you believe that she is too promiscuous to be a senator’s wife?

Douglas: Let me assure the public that I will never be the first to exhibit daguerreotypes of the naked Mrs. Lincoln for political purposes. And I invite Mr. Lincoln to make the same pledge.

Lincoln: What?

Commentator: Mr. Lincoln, during your one term in Congress, you opposed the Mexican War. Do you hate our soldiers or do you just prefer Mexicans?

Lincoln: I oppose unnecessary wars.

Douglas: While I would not question the patriotism of my craven, timorous opponent, I have always been a full-throated supporter of victory–and I am adamantly opposed to defeat.

Psychologist: Mr. Douglas, you are a proponent of popular sovereignty. Yet, being an embarrassingly short man with a pompous personality, you certainly are not as popular as the affable Mr. Lincoln. What in your miserable childhood led you into politics?

Douglas: My dedication to public service and the opportunity for revenge.

Lincoln: Do you really have naked daguerreotypes of my wife?

Bed Bugs Found at Times Square Theater

In a triumph for the environment, New York bed bugs have vowed to eat only local produce.  An insect spokesman denied that this reflected any xenophobia.  “I am sure that the U.N. delegations provide wonderful sustenance, but our loyalty is to New York–and you can’t find a better buffet anywhere.”

Nonetheless, the presence of bed bugs in theaters did raise serious labor issues.  Would they be required to join Actors Equity?  A union spokesman said, “If bed bugs are part of the entertainment and provide some ambience or impact to the theater, they deserve the full benefits and protection of the union.”  In a current production of “Rent”, the New York Times critic particularly praised the bed bugs for giving the production “an infectious realism.” 

And this promises to be a trend.  A planned revival of “Cats” is casting for fleas.

A new poll showed that nearly one in five people, or 18 percent, believe Obama is Muslim.

And what exactly does this polled public know about Islam?

It was founded:

a. As a tax shelter for OPEC
b. By the divinely inspired Muhammed
c. As a protest against Israel
d. As an operating manual for flying carpets

Of those polled, 59 percent also identified Muhammed as the meanest of The Three Stooges. 

But how about some actual facts about Moslem history?

On This Day in 636

In the news reports from Iraq, if you still bother to pay attention, you would have heard of the Yarmuk Hospital. It is that dilapidated, pathetic locale for hapless Iraqi civilians to get some facsimile of healthcare. So, who was this namesake Yarmuk? An outstanding physician? A generous (or guilt-ridden) philanthropist?

In fact, Yarmuk was a battle. (So much for Iraqi charm. Wouldn’t you want to go to a hospital named for Iwo Jima?) Of course, Yarmuk was an Arab victory and–however obscure it may be to you–it was one of the most significant battles in history. But for Yarmuk, the Middle East might still be Christian.

Until 636, Islam was still confined to Arabia. The Caliph of the new religion had sent large raiding parties to plunder the infidel neighbors; and the affluent Byzantines certainly had lots worth stealing. In fact, given the lethargic Byzantine defenses, the Arabs burglarized the entire city of Damascus. That heist finally got Constantinople’s attention. (We’ll have to postpone this theological debate over whether or not the Christ child was born potty-trained.) The Emperor Heraclius ordered the army to stop the Arab incursions.

The approach of perhaps 80,000 Byzantines convinced the Arab expeditions to make a prudent exit from Syria. Having one third as many men, the Arab forces retreated as far south as the Yarmuk River valley, which forms the border of modern Syria and Jordan. There they took up defensive positions and awaited the Byzantine attack. And waited and waited and waited. The Byzantines had stopped on the other side of the valley, and began a three-month-long staring contest.

During that three months, the Byzantines made several attempts to negotiate. Considering the Imperial forces’ numerical superiority, the Arab Commander must have been impressed with the Byzantines’ generosity or stupidity. Had the situation been reversed, he would not have hesitated to attack. However, under the circumstances, he was willing to negotiate if only to stall for reenforcements. They arrived, but he still had half as many men as the Byzantines. So the staring contest continued until the Byzantines blinked.

They had no choice in the matter; they were downwind of a sandstorm. And they soon found themselves downwind and under the Arab cavalry. Taking advantage of Allah’s gift of weather, the Arabs attacked. At least half of the Byzantine army was annihilated, the survivors were in disorganized flight. Syria and Palestine were defenseless; the Arabs’ strategy was no longer smash and grab. They were there to stay, and they soon found that Egypt and North Africa were easy pickings as well.

So on this day in 636, Byzantine incompetence lost half of an empire, gave the Arabs the Middle East and left us with the consequences.

August 18, 1920:  American Women Can Vote!

And throughout the rest of the world, the response was “So What“!  Women in Australia had been voting since 1902.  Of course, you would expect such aberrational behavior from a nation descended from convicts.  But prim, staid Canada had also allowed women to vote since 1918.  (In fact, as a concession to the War Effort, women with sons or husbands in the Army were allowed to vote in 1917.)

Great Britain, herself, regarded women’s suffrage as a war debt.  In the years preceding the Great War, the British Suffragette Movement had violated Edwardian decorum as well as the law..  Demanding the vote, its protesters had disrupted sessions of Parliament, chained themselves to Ten Downing Street, set afire mailboxes.  Some had even attempted to make bombs.  Those who were arrested began hunger strikes in British prisons.  For punishment as well as sustenance, the fasting women were force-fed.  (Having a gruel-filled hose forced down your throat actually may be an improvement over British cuisine, but that was not the intention.)

But once the War began the Suffragette Movement ceased its protests, deferring to the more urgent cause.  And the women did their part, working all the shifts at the hospitals and armaments factories.  And in 1918, the Crown acknowledged its gratitude to the women of Britain.  For four years of tireless labour, for killing your husband and sons, and leaving you to spend the rest of your life pushing your legless brother in his wheelchair, how would you like to vote?  However, the British government was not quite generous.  A woman had to be 30 before she could vote; a man only had to be 21.  (In 1928, the British government ended the age discrimination.)

Still, with most of the English-speaking world permitting women’s suffrage, America looked rather petty in denying it.  Hadn’t Mary Pickford–selling war bonds–earned that right?  (Actually, in her native Canada she could vote.)  In 1919, both the House of Representatives and the Senate passed the 19th Amendment.

The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.

Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

President Wilson was a supporter of the legislation.  ( He had yet to have his stroke; but even if he had, Mrs. Wilson would have signed the bill.)  So, then it was left to the states to ratify the amendment.  On this day in 1920, Tennessee became the 36th state to accept the 19th Amendment, making it the law of the land.  Mississippi was the 48th state, acquiescing in 1984.

And the enfranchised women of America voted for Warren G. Harding.  Well, he was good-looking.

Old West Showdown Is Revived

New York Times

SANTA FE, N.M. — Billy the Kid is dead and buried. So is the lawman who shot him. But in this city of adobe homes and historical plaques, the past and present are sometimes as hard to separate as the Kid’s finger was from his trigger.

Gov. Bill Richardson, a history buff, has a special chair in his office, a facsimile of the one that a predecessor, Lew Wallace, used in the late 1800s. Mr. Richardson, his time in office dwindling fast, also has a piece of unfinished business from the Wallace administration on his desk: the proposed pardon of Billy the Kid.

In opening a review of the former territorial governor’s deal to grant clemency to Billy the Kid, Mr. Richardson has revived the classic Old West showdown between the Kid and the sheriff who arrested him — and later shot him — nearly 130 years ago.

The governor sat down with three of Sheriff Pat Garrett’s grandchildren and two great-grandchildren in his office recently and listened to what he described as their “heated” defense of their ancestor.

“This is our history, and it’s important to New Mexico and we can’t arbitrarily alter it,” said Susannah Garrett, 55, a granddaughter of the sheriff.

Historical documents show that Mr. Wallace struck a deal with the Kid that if he would testify before a grand jury about a killing he had witnessed, the governor would grant him a pardon for his many crimes. Billy the Kid did testify but the pardon never came, something the outlaw grumbled about as he managed to escape the law, get caught and then escape again, only to be gunned down in the dark by the frontier lawman in 1881.

Pardons are granted by governors across the country, especially departing chief executives like Mr. Richardson, who has served eight years in office and is prevented by term limits from running again.

The pardon probably slipped Lew Wallace’s mind; he was busy checking the proofs of his 1880 novel about chariots.  He might have confused storylines and pardoned Messala while granting Billy a cure for leprosy.  Wallace’s omission really doesn’t matter, however;  Hollywood pardoned Billy the Kid long ago. 

William Bonney was the hero of westerns as early as 1911.  Occasionally he is the good kid who is misunderstood; more often he is the Robin Hood of New Mexico, defending the small farmer from the evil big ranchers and the rapacious railroad magnates.  In one camp classic, Billy even protected humanity:  “Billy the Kid versus Dracula.”  And yes, there was also a singing Billy, played by Roy Rogers in “The Return of Billy the Kid.”

In “The Left Handed Gun” Billy was portrayed by Paul Newman.  That is better than a gubernatorial pardon; that’s deification.     

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/17/the-first-tax-lawyers-2/

Japan, Checking on Its Oldest, Finds Many Gone

New York Times

TOKYO — Japan has long boasted of having many of the world’s oldest people — testament, many here say, to a society with a superior diet and a commitment to its elderly that is unrivaled in the West.

That was before the police found the body of a man thought to be one of Japan’s oldest, at 111 years, mummified in his bed, dead for more than three decades. His daughter, now 81, hid his death to continue collecting his monthly pension payments, the police said.

Alarmed, local governments began sending teams to check on other elderly residents. What they found so far has been anything but encouraging. 

A woman thought to be Tokyo’s oldest, who would be 113, was last seen in the 1980s. Another woman, who would be the oldest in the world at 125, is also missing, and probably has been for a long time. When city officials tried to visit her at her registered address, they discovered that the site had been turned into a city park, in 1981.

TOKYO:  The Imperial Veterans’ Administration has announced that it will audit its listed number of survivors of the Russo-Japanese War.  VA officials now concede that its total of 350,000 veterans of the 1904-05 conflict might be inaccurate “although with our low cholesterol diet, it is not impossible.”

Given the statistical discrepancies, this might explain why none of the listed 120 veterans of the battle of Sekigahara attended the quadricentennial commemoration. 

On a related subject, the Harvard Alumni Association still intends to dun the family of the late Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto (class of  ’21) for contributions.  “We knew he has been dead for 68 years.  So what?  We’re still collecting for Cotton Mather.”

`Cathy’ comic strip ending after 34 years

Associated Press Writer

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – The comic strip “Cathy,” which has chronicled the life, frustrations and swimsuit season meltdowns of its namesake for more than 30 years, is coming to an end.

How should “Cathy” end? 

The Rapture would be useful.  Wouldn’t we all like to see Cathy earn her long-sought reward:  an eternal size two. 

Of course, the strip could resort to brutal realism.  The United Press Syndicate fires all the characters and replaces them with cheap Asian replicants.  The new strip would be called “Cathay.”

Many of us would settle for a little justice.  No one would mind if Cathy murdered her annoying, whining, Oedipal nebbish of a husband Irving.  (She’d get fan mail from Mel Gibson.)  Imagine Irving’s dying scene;  riddled with bullets, he is worried about staining the furniture.  And as the strip ends, we see Cathy arrested by Dick Tracy–and we’ll surmise that they will have an affair. 

However, the perfect ending would be Cathy running off with Dilbert.  (Yes, Dilbert would rather have Brenda Starr or even Blondie, but he has to be realistic.  An overweight stick figure is about the best he can do.)  As for Cathy, at least she will find herself in a relevant comic strip for the first time in ten years.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/08/13/on-this-day-in-1961-the-berlin-wall/

Of course, I get my share of spam.  Some are prurient offers:  “Would you like people to think that you are shoplifting a flagpole?”  (No, I wouldn’t.)  Then, there are barely incoherent scams:  “Very brilliant writing you make.  Please link to sweatshopsareus.com.”  However, I was intrigued by this intrusion.

Hello, just to let you know that a superb estate is now for
sale in St-Nicolas, Québec, Canada. The 1,888 sq.ft. house
is build on a 45,000 sq.ft. woodland next to the chaudière
river and offer a magnific natural waterfall. It’s a must
see !

I wonder what I wrote that somehow sent a gullibility alert to this realtor.  Was it my essay on Captain Dreyfus? 

“Who cares about your disgrace and vilification when you can be imprisoned in beautiful St-Nicholas?  None of the heat and inconvenience of a dark cell on Devil’s Island.  Here you’ll wish that really were guilty, and would that Emile Zola stop all the annoying exoneration!”

Perhaps it was my discussion of the Hundred Years War and an obviously unbalanced shepherdess…;

“Is there that special someone in your family who hears voices and makes all sorts of psychotic pronouncements?  We all have a niece like that.  Why have her humiliate you in public when you can stow her in rural Quebec.  Beautiful, and all so conveniently isolated St-Nicholas is the perfect site for indefinite confinement.  And if you’ve any other solution, we won’t notice or just assume that you are burning leaves.”

And now I have to wonder what type of spam this musing will incite.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/07/profiles-in-futility-2/

Greta van Susteren Sick Over Shirley Sherrod-Maxine Waters Mix-Up

During a segment about the ethics violations California Democrat Maxine Waters is accused of, “On the Record with Greta van Susteren” producers actually showed footage of another black woman in the news:  Shirley Sherrod.

Fox News would like to clarify the following points.

Viewers may have gotten the impression that Rep. Charles Rangel is a  pedophile.  By accident, we showed a picture of Bill “Bojangles” Robinson tapdancing with Shirley Temple.  Miss Temple assures the Fox audience that Mr. Robinson always knew his place. 

Viewers may have gotten the impression that Rep. Maxine Waters was guilty of medical malpractice by claiming to be an obstetrician.  By accident, we showed the wrong film clip.  That actually was Butterfly McQueen saying “she didn’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies.”  Olivia de Havilland assures our viewers that, to her knowledge, Miss McQueen performed no abortions on the set; but Leslie Howard certainly would have been the father.

Viewers may have gotten the impression that Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is a promiscuous slut in a Puerto Rican gang and indirectly responsible for the death of Richard Beymer.  By accident, we showed the wrong film clip.  That actually was Rita Moreno in “West Side Story.”  However, if Sotomayor had killed Richard Beymer, we certainly wouldn’t blame her.