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More Borgia musings….

If “Vatican Hill 90210” turns out to be popular, I wonder how Showtime will stretch the series out to ten or twenty years.  If I recall, the network extended “The Tudors” by giving Henry 47 wives.  (I think the last was Sophie Tucker–the series/dynasty always needed some Jewish humor.)  My guess is that Leonardo invents a time machine, so it turns out Silvio Berluscone is actually Alexander VI.  (Yes, our favorite Borgia was also Casanova and Giocomo Puccini.)

In the meantime, Showtime could have a commercial tie-in with Seven-Eleven or Dairy Queen.  Big Gulps or Blizzards could be served in chalices, each featuring a member of the Papal conclave of 1492.  Get the entire collection!

–Rodrigo de Borja y Borja, bishop of Porto e Santa Rufina, administrator of Valencia, dean of the Sacred College of Cardinals. (Elected Pope Alexander VI)
–Giuliano della Rovere, bishop of Ostia e Velletri, bishop of Bologna, administrator of Avignon.
–Oliviero Carafa, bishop of Sabina, title of S. Eusebio in commendam, administrator of Salamanca.
–Giovanni Battista Zeno, bishop of Frascati.
–Giovanni Michiel, bishop of Palestrina, deaconry of S. Angelo in Pescheria in commendam.
–Jorge da Costa, bishop of Albano, title of S. Lorenzo in Lucina in commendam, archbishop of Lisbon, Portugal.
–Girolamo Basso della Rovere, title of S. Crisogono, bishop of Recanati e Macerata.
–Raffaele Sansoni Riario, title of S. Lorenzo in Damaso.
–Domenico della Rovere, title of S. Clemente, archbishop of Turin.
–Paolo Fregoso, title of S. Sisto, archbishop of Genoa.
–Giovanni de’ Conti, title of S. Vitale.
–Giovanni Giacomo Schiaffinati, title of S. Cecilia, bishop of Parma.
–Francesco Todeschini-Piccolomini, deacon of S. Eustachio, bishop of Siena.
–Giovanni Battista Savelli, deacon of S. Nicola in Carcere Tulliano.
–Giovanni Colonna, deacon of S. Maria in Aquiro.
–Giovanni Battista Orsini, deacon of S. Maria Nuova.
–Ascanio Maria Sforza Visconti, deacon of Ss. Vito e Modesto.
–Lorenzo Cibo de’ Mari, title of S. Marco, archbishop of Benevento.
–Ardicino della Porta, iuniore, title of Ss. Giovanni e Paolo, bishop of Aleria, Corsica.
–Antoniotto Gentile Pallavicini, title of S. Prassede, bishop of Orense, Spain.
–Maffeo Gherardo, O.S.B.Cam., title of Ss. Nereo ed Achilleo, patriarch of Venice.
–Giovanni de’ Medici, deacon of S. Maria in Domnica.
–Federico di Sanseverino, deacon of S. Teodoro.

This is the actual list, which I found on a fascinating (for me, anyway) website:  http://www2.fiu.edu/~mirandas/conclaves.htm

“The Cardinals of the Holy Roman Church” ain’t exactly an objective title, but it is a comprehensive catalog of every papal enclave.  Just pick any papal election in the 12th, 15th and 19th centuries;  you’ll find the Orsini, Conti and Colonna families were producing a supply of cardinals.  (Since the 20th century, however, Italian aristocrats found it more lucrative to marry American heiresses.)

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/04/05/how-to-lose-a-battle-in-a-spectacular-way/

Ave Deus for the Middle-Aged.  Otherwise, The Borgias would be “Vatican Hill 90210” with a cast of quite annoying youngsters.  Yes, the nude scenes of the English actress playing Lucretia won’t be painful–although by the 47th time they may get monotonous.  But Cesare seems more smarmy than ruthless, and I am trying to use my HD television to murder the preening twit playing Juan Borgia.  (I keep lunging at him but I can’t quite get through the TV screen; I am complaining to Comcast!)  However, the series has the saving disgrace of Jeremy Irons–and he is more than enough reason to keep watching.  In Iron’s  portrayal of  Pope Alexander VI and the father of the Borgia brood, you can feel both the pleasure and the hard work of being thoroughly corrupt. 

Of course, in keeping with television’s exacting standards for historical accuracy, the show is a litany of errors.  The series doesn’t even get right the number of the Pope’s children.  Showtime seems determined to present the Borgias as the Renaissance Corleones; so if Vito only had four children, then Pope Alexander can’t have more than that.  In fact, he had at least six–with two mistresses.  (A seventh is in dispute because a third mistress was also “dating” her husband.)  The series also scrambles the chronology of the Borgia brats.    Cesare is introduced as the firstborn; actually, the incompetent Juan was.  So much for the belabored Godfather metaphors; the Machiavellian Michael Corleone was younger than the reckless Sonny.    But I am still waiting to see if Leonardo daVinci is compared to Frank Sinatra, and if the Pope backs Columbus’ plan to discover Las Vegas.

More Borgia gossip, from the archives:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/08/11/machiavellis-role-model-2/

And, for a change of pace, here is today’s  saint:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/04/05/the-patron-saint-of-wikipedia/

 Did man evolve from the lemming?  History often seems to be a road map to a cliff. On April Fools’ Day, we should remember the colossal buffoons who have shaped and sabotaged our world. Their profound stupidity remains our legacy. If only for therapeutic revenge, we hereby recount their calamitous lives. The culprits are in chronological order.

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Andronicus Ducas, 1071 A.D.

Andronicus Ducas became the inadvertent father of Turkey and the Crusades. The Byzantine general simply wanted to kill his emperor but was too finicky for an assassination. Ducas waited until the imperial army was fighting Turkish nomads and then ordered a retreat, abandoning the emperor to the enemy. The general overestimated the army’s ability to retreat, however. It disintegrated, leaving Anatolia — half the empire — defenseless. The Turks weren’t nomads after that. Anatolia is now called Turkey. The Moslem triumph ignited the Crusades, and its hordes of pious killers destroyed what was left of Byzantium.

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Emperor Yung-lo, circa 1415 A.D.

China declared an end to progress. Emperor Yung-Lo had the best of everything. He ruled the most powerful, most prosperous, most technically advanced, most populous country in the world. At a time when English ships never sailed farther than Portugal, the Chinese fleet was exploring East Africa. Considering China’s extravagant superiority, Yung Lo decided that there was no point to improving on perfection. The rest of the world had nothing to offer China. Yung Lo abolished the fleet, discouraged trade and promoted a tradition-bound regimen of education. Yung Lo’s policy lasted for six centuries and so did China’s stagnation.

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Ferdinand of Aragon, 1483 A.D.

The king actually was bright and completely free of scruples; Machiavelli considered him a role model.  However, Ferdinand turned out to be a little too clever.   

He had a get-rich-quick scheme. The wily and avaricious king commissioned a Spanish Inquisition in 1483 with the idea of gouging wealthy suspects who showed any reluctance toward pork. Of course, the bulk of the loot would go to the crown. The Inquisition, however, was not content to be Ferdinand’s pickpocket. It was going to save Spain from tolerance, innovation and whatever else reeked of heresy. To his dismay, Ferdinand could not control the Holy Office’s pyromania. He became its most comfortable prisoner, complying with the rabid dictates of the Grand Inquisitor.  While the rest of Europe had the Renaissance, Spain had the Inquisition.

Pope Leo X, 1517 A.D.

Pope Leo X had more taste than sense. The Medici esthete regarded St. Peter’s Basilica as a medieval barn and insisted upon its complete renovation. Yet even a Medici couldn’t afford the expense, so the pope authorized the wholesale peddling of indulgences to raise the money. The brazen hucksterism outraged Martin Luther, who urged a reformation of the church. In Rome, Leo was more interested in Raphael’s blueprints than in Luther’s protest. The pope didn’t care about theology and he didn’t foresee any political repercussions. Leo waited until 1520 to address Luther’s criticism of a venal and oblivious papacy. By that time, Northern Europe wasn’t listening.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

General John Burgoyne, 1777 A.D.

General John Burgoyne won the American Revolution but not for his side. The British general began his invasion of upstate New York with 30 carts of luggage, a wine cellar, someone else’s wife and 9,000 soldiers. He chose an itinerary that took him through forests, swamps and 20,000 American troops. Burgoyne’s surrender at Saratoga was an unprecedented triumph for the colonists; heretofore, they had claimed successful retreats as victories. The French were elated by the news of a British disaster. Saratoga proved that the colonists could win, and France embraced any cause — even a rustic republic — if it undermined England.

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Louis XVI, 1791-1792 A.D.

Louis XVI overthrew the French monarchy. Except for the unlucky guards at the Bastille, the French Revolution had started as a very polite affair. The original goal was a constitutional monarchy, but Louis XVI opposed even moderate reform.

In 1791, the royal family attempted to flee the country; however, the Bourbons stopped for a picnic and were captured. Louis also was writing to his fellow monarchs, urging them to invade France. When this correspondence was discovered, it did little for Louis’ popularity or longevity. Louis almost did as much harm to the other monarchies. They declared war on France … and lost.

The French Republic promoted officers on the basis of ability rather than pedigree. Lieutenant Bonaparte showed particular promise.

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Fanny Kaplan, 1918 A.D.

Fanny Kaplan nearly killed Lenin. A member of a political party more radical than the Bolsheviks, Kaplan gunned down the Soviet leader. He survived but never recovered. (Kaplan’s execution was an immediate success.)

The once robust Lenin died in 1924, at the age of 53; and the conniving, paranoid Stalin began his ascent. This is one of the great “what ifs” of history. If Kaplan had killed Lenin, the Bolshevik Revolution would have collapsed; Russia likely would have been ruled by a surviving cousin of the imperial family or a Slavic version of Francisco Franco. Stalin would have returned to his previous outlet for sadism as a newspaper editor.

If Kaplan had not tried to kill Lenin, he might have lived another 20 years, Stalin would have stayed in middle management and some 20 million people would have died only of Soviet health care.

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So, there are the Seven Blunderers of the World. In all sadistic likelihood, they have been reincarnated and you know every one of them.

Macy’s Culinary Council Chef prepares an original dish inspired by the Showtime Original Series The Borgias!

Enjoy a special cooking demonstration.  Bittersweet Chocolate & Ancho Chile Budino–an original dish inspired by Lucretia Borgia.

Lucretia Borgia died in 1519, before either chocolate or the ancho chile was introduced to Europe.  (If only Cortes had invaded Mexico sooner!)  So this dish would not be Ms. Borgia’s recipe but perhaps her premonition.

From The New York Times

Farley Granger, Screen Star of the 1950s, Dies at 85

Farley Granger, who found quick stardom in films like Alfred Hitchcock’s “Strangers on a Train”  in the 1940s and ’50s but who then turned aside from Hollywood to pursue stage and television roles, died on Sunday at his home in Manhattan. He was 85….

Mr. Granger’s love life was often as adventurous as his career choices. He had a longstanding hot-and-cold relationship with the actress Shelley Winters — “the love of my life and the bane of my existence,” he called her in his book — which began in his Goldwyn years and included talk of marriage. Another serious love interest was the actress Janice Rule, with whom he had worked Off Broadway in the 1950s. Women who were in his life more briefly included Ava Gardner.

But Mr. Granger, who described himself as bisexual, also had relationships with Leonard Bernstein and Arthur Laurents. 

His amatory achievements included every Academy Award winning actress and actor.  His relationships with Marie Dressler and Hattie McDaniel did require him to break into their coffins.  When later asked if these particular “romances” were somewhat distasteful, Mr. Granger replied “Only because Warren Beatty got there first.”

Mr. Granger also refused to be confined to three dimensions and bragged of his relations with Snow White, the Wicked Queen and all seven dwarfs.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/03/31/on-this-day-in-1492/

Mildreadful Pierce

I gave up watching the histrionic melodrama after 15 minutes of unadulterated annoyance.  Somehow the character Mildred Pierce managed to be offensive and dull, a remarkable tandem in itself.  It might be a compliment to Kate Winslet’s talent or a question of director Todd Haynes’ sanity.  In either case, however, it was not an incentive to watch.  On the contrary, the Pierce character could make baking a pie quite irritating.  I am surprised that her henpecked husband did not push the pie in her face.  I would have; Mohandas Gandhi would have.  Then we meet Pierce’s daughters.  Where was Margaret Sanger when we needed her!  The younger child is completely talentless but still insists on doing Jolson impressions.  The older brat apparently is adopted and is really the child Wallis Simpson had with Benito Mussolini. 

Yes, I am describing a comedy.  Unfortunately,  Todd Haynes did not realize it.  By distending this melodrama, he has made “Mildred Pierce” into an elephantine farce.  In this production, Kate Winslet is hopelessly miscast.  This Mildred Pierce really should be played by Harvey Fierstein or “Dame Edna Everage.”  If you are going camp, you don’t do it in half-measures.  Where was John Waters when we needed him!

Craigslist A.D. 193

There were some advantages to being a Roman emperor. For instance, until the fifth century, the pay was excellent. You would rarely be turned down at an orgy. Furthermore, the job would never be outsourced to India, if only because the Romans had but a vague notion about India’s location.

Longevity, however, was another matter. From an actuarial perspective, an emperor would have regarded murder as a natural cause of death. In a period of five centuries, Rome had more than 80 emperors. The total is imprecise because the imperial reigns often were.

The Emperor Pertinax might have expected a longer reign. He certainly was an improvement over his predecessor, the debauched and incompetent Commodus. (You remember him from “Gladiator.”) Indeed, on his own merits, Pertinax had the makings of an excellent ruler. He was conscientious, honest and capable. You could add frugality to his virtues, but that actually was a flaw in Rome. The people wanted their bread and circuses, and the Praetorian Guard expected “donations”.

The Praetorians could overlook any vice in an emperor but stinginess. Pertinax had every virtue but generosity, so he did not survive his bodyguards. Today is that dubious anniversary.

The impulsive Praetorians seized the throne but had no one to occupy it. Then the extravagantly rich Didius Julianus,  the Donald Trump of his day, simply decided to buy the position of emperor. He showed up at the Praetorians’ camp and proceeded to bid for their loyalty. Another patrician competed in the auction for the Empire, but Julianus outbid him. His purchased Praetorians then cowed the Senate into acclaiming him the emperor.

The Praetorians’ loyalty lasted two months. When an ambitious general marched on Rome, the imperial guard switched sides again. Julianus did not live to regret it. He now is remembered as a joke. (The same might be said of Donald Trump.)

Five Hours Of Mildred Pierce on HBO

My prayers have been answered.  After sitting through the two hour Joan Crawford melodrama, I was left with an insatiable gnawing hunger that could only be satisfied with an additional three hours of overripe histrionics or at least a slice of one of Mildred Pierce’s fortune-earning pies.    (For those of you unfamiliar with the plot of Mildred Pierce, imagine if Marie Callender had married Claus von Bulow and was mother of Lucretia Borgia.)  Well, those clairvoyants at HBO knew what I wanted, and it premieres tonight.

The series actually has received good reviews. The New York Times complimented the historical accuracy of the stars’ full frontal nudity.  I don’t think that we need to elaborate….However, that would be a scholarly contrast to Showtime’s “Spartacus” where most of the topless actress have tattoos of motorcycle  gangs.  (But in their nude scenes on Showtime’s Anne of Green Gables, Anne and Aunt Marilla could feasibly have Harley-Davidson tattoos; the company was founded in 1903.)

Hollywood History

It took me two tries to watch the latest version of “Robin Hood”. No, I didn’t gag at its notion that Robin (Russell Crowe) ghostwrote the Magna Carta.  I went into shock long before that–during the show’s first three minutes.  The film opens with this title card introduction:  “At the turn of the twelfth century…”  The next line should have read, “None of our characters had been born.  In fact, most of their parents hadn’t been born yet either.”  However, the introduction proceeds with an explanation of Richard the Lion Heart’s absence from England and his brother John’s misrule.  Then the action begins–with an attack on both a castle and narrative consistency– with the surtitle:  France, 1199.

This film cost over 100 million dollars to make.  Russell Crowe’s salary alone was $20 million–although that breaks down to $5 million an accent he mumbles throughout the film.  A week’s catering for  the extras cost more than most of us will make this year.  (Megan Barnes–three times champion on Jeopardy–is the glorious exception here.)  So how much more would it have cost to have a proofreader for the prologue, someone who might know when the 12th century actually occurred?

You’re right.  I am asking too much.

The following quote is from an actual ad, appearing in The New York Times. 

Chef Todd English prepares an original dish inspired by the Showtime original series The Borgias.

Todd will present his recipe for recipe for Cibreo, an original dish inspired by Rodrigo Borgia, also known as Pope Alexander VI. 

For ingredients, recipes and to learn more about The Borgias, visit originalborgiafeast.com.

The Borgia cookbook–putting the morte in mortadella.  Borgia banquets were known for their surprise ingredients.  A particular favorite was cantarella, which was said to have a very sweet flavor.  Yet, no one ever asked for a second helping.  If it is in Chef English’s “original dish”, Macy’s may have more than plates to clean up.  However, that might inspire Macy’s to bring out the Sweeney Todd cookbook.

Showtime and Macy’s could have found a safer way to market “The Borgias”.  For instance, Pope Alexander had six children.  Why not bring out a line of Renaissance style Garianimals.  Don’t underestimate the popularity of codpieces.

And from the archives here….

The Borgia Bunch

Showtime, the television network that presented a scrawny, brunet Henry VIII, is planning a series on “The Borgias”. If you are not familiar with the notorious Renaissance family, imagine the Brady Bunch in the 15th century except that Dad is a syphilitic Pope and the children are sociopaths.  (In this case, both Mrs. Brady and Alice are the mothers of the brood.)  It is the kind of heartwarming family story that has such appeal on cable television. 

Of course, the historical sex and violence won’t be ample enough for Showtime, so expect a little–actually an avalanche–of additions.  No doubt the cable Pope Alexander VI will have a passionate affair with Joan of Arc.  (It is possible since he was 4 months old when she died, and he might have been very precocious.)    Queen Isabella of Castille probably will have nude scenes, too–with Lucretia!  You are also likely to see that Gutenberg was a pornographer.  (Leonardo must have invented the video camera 500 years sooner than we realized.) And yes, Leonardo will be in the series; he really was the Borgia’s handyman.  I predict that he will be hitting on Martin Luther.  Have I left anyone out of this menage a mille?  Don’t worry.  Anyone in Europe within 100 years of the 15th century can be part of the orgy! 

At least the casting is not a scandal.  I am relieved to say that the Pope and his boy Cesare will not be played by Jerry and Ben Stiller.  His most dubious Holiness will be portrayed by Jeremy Irons.  Irons has a sly, chilly persona and sepulchral voice that makes him one of the best villains on the screen today.  I can see him weaving plots and relishing his betrayals of less clever men.  Just for his performance, I will start to watch the series.  Perhaps the gratuitous nudity won’t be too much of a bore.

And now for the lecture….Alexander VI certainly is the most notorious Pope, but he was far from the worst.  In the tenth and eleventh centuries, many of the Popes were just Roman gangsters.  During the Dark Ages, it was difficult to distinguish nobles from criminals (We have the same problem with today’s MBAs), and bandit bands would vie for the Papacy.  Get your man on the throne and you’ve got control of Rome property and the relics racket.  One family/gang–the counts of Tusculum–held the Papacy for nearly a century.  A member of the dynasty murdered his predecessor.  Another attempted to sell the Papacy.  John XII–who became Pope at the age of 18–was killed by a justifiably enraged husband.  (Some forms of communion are unacceptable.)

So, why aren’t they the “stars” of a Showtime series?  They were unintentionally discreet, the advantage of obscurity.  However vile they were, who knew other than their Roman neighbors?  In the tenth and early eleventh centuries, the Pope just wasn’t that important.  By the time of Alexander VI, however, the Papacy was far significant than just Tiber property and the relics racket.  And thanks to Gutenberg, there now was a mass media that fed the public appetite for news and gossip.  Even if only one person in your village was literate, everyone else wanted to hear what he was reading.  Alexander VI was never less than interesting.

Furthermore, however scandalous he was, Alexander VI was not incompetent.  Unlike his Medici acquaintance and eventual successor Leo X, the Borgia Pope would not have ignored Professor Luther.  On the contrary, any dispute would have been quickly–if sadly–resolved.  “Young professor dies of food poisoning while falling out of a bell tower–twice.”  Of course, with a Borgia as Pope, Luther’s idea of Reformation might have been to limited to conducting Church bingo night in German rather than Latin.

And there is one more thing to be said in Alexander VI’s favor.  If he didn’t take religion seriously, he also wasn’t a bigot.  When Ferdinand and Isabella demonstrated their idea of Christian virtue by expelling Jews from Spain, Alexander offered the refugees sanctuary in Rome.  He wasn’t providing charity but if they could afford Italy they were welcome and protected.  Compare that to Pius XII, and remind me which of the two is a candidate for sainthood.

To finance its military operations over Libya, the United States is now using coin-operated airplanes.  An American plane will not take off until $50,000 in quarters have been deposited in the coin meter.  A Pentagon spokesman admitted that a credit card system would have been  preferable, but no major bank would approve the government’s card application.  At least with this pay-as-you-bomb system, America can measure the true commitment of its allies.  For example, Saudi Arabia has purchased 12 billion dollars worth of quarters, buying out the entire “Postmaster Generals of the United States” commemorative collection.

Just this morning 14 tons of quarters were delivered to the aircraft carrier the USS Fred McMurray. (Yes, it was built during the Reagan administration; how did you guess?)  Then the coins were duly loaded into each plane’s meter.  However, the additional ton of weight left no room for actual bombs.  So the planes bombarded Libya with the quarters.  However, dropped from ten thousand feet, the coins are as deadly as the regular munitions, frequently more accurate, and still less expensive.

In a slightly related story, the State Department felt obliged to explain why U.S. planes had bombed the home of the Dalai Lama.  “No, it is not a change in policy or anything personal.  This was just a monthly interest payment to China.”

Speaking of insolvent governments, let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/03/22/how-to-run-an-empire-2/

As any Gentile could tell me, Purim is the Jewish Halloween. Yes, each year my tribe’s children dress as witches, trolls or supermen–or their Jewish equivalent–Ayn Rand, William Kristol and Superman.

And here is the translation for the other Jewish holidays.

Hannukah is the Jewish Christmas, in which we celebrate the birth of our many Jewish Messiahs: Moses, Albert Einstein, Sigmund Freud, Lenny Bruce and Bob Dylan.

Passover is the Jewish Easter, commemorating the Jewish rebirth from slave labor to white collar jobs. The holiday recounts how the ancient Jews spent 40 years wandering around New York until they found their way to Florida.

Rosh Hashonah is the Jewish World Series, in which everyone competes at the Temple to flaunt who had the best year.

Yom Kippur is the Jewish Lent where we atone for God’s continued incompetence and His implausible excuses for failing to live up to our expectations. However, in accordance with the highest standards of Jewish parents, we blame ourselves rather than that celestial brat. If only there were a Stanley Kaplan for deities….

p.s.  It is customary to celebrate Purim with a satirical skit.  This year at my Temple, the skit insinuates that Mordechai is a pimp, Esther is a gold-digging social climber and the King is a vacuous dolt.  Now, who do you think wrote such an irreverent satire?  Well, David Mamet would charge too much, Tom Stoppard wouldn’t admit to being Jewish, Tony Kushner would have included a shocking relationship with the King and Mordechai, so I guess that leaves…

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get the skit on to this blog.  (Well, I could type it by hand but–really–are you worth the trouble?  Just the seven who wished me a Happy Birthday.)  What I can do, however, is email it to you.  If you request it, you will get a copy of “The Vizier of Oz”.  I was told to give it an Oz theme; the title was the best that I could do.  With a little more time, I really could have given the skit an Oz interpretation, at least Hollywood in the Thirties.  Joseph Kennedy would have been Haman, trying to drive the Jews out of the film industry.  Louis B. Mayer could be the vacuous king, prepared to go along with the Anti-Semite;  Mayer never seemed to realize that he would be in cattle car, too.  Mordechai can be Irving Thalberg, so then Esther would be Norma Shearer–who did convert to marry Thalberg.  Of course, that puts the Mordechai and Esther relationship in a different light, but you always suspected that, too.)

In any case, if you want to read “The Vizier of Oz”, write to me at eugene@finermanworks.com