Your RDA of Irony

My Latest Attempt at a Pulitzer

As any Gentile could tell me, Purim is the Jewish Halloween. Yes, each year my tribe’s children dress as witches, trolls or supermen–or their Jewish equivalent–Ayn Rand, William Kristol and Superman.

And here is the translation for the other Jewish holidays.

Hannukah is the Jewish Christmas, in which we celebrate the birth of our many Jewish Messiahs: Moses, Albert Einstein, Sigmund Freud, Lenny Bruce and Bob Dylan.

Passover is the Jewish Easter, commemorating the Jewish rebirth from slave labor to white collar jobs. The holiday recounts how the ancient Jews spent 40 years wandering around New York until they found their way to Florida.

Rosh Hashonah is the Jewish World Series, in which everyone competes at the Temple to flaunt who had the best year.

Yom Kippur is the Jewish Lent where we atone for God’s continued incompetence and His implausible excuses for failing to live up to our expectations. However, in accordance with the highest standards of Jewish parents, we blame ourselves rather than that celestial brat. If only there were a Stanley Kaplan for deities….

p.s.  It is customary to celebrate Purim with a satirical skit.  This year at my Temple, the skit insinuates that Mordechai is a pimp, Esther is a gold-digging social climber and the King is a vacuous dolt.  Now, who do you think wrote such an irreverent satire?  Well, David Mamet would charge too much, Tom Stoppard wouldn’t admit to being Jewish, Tony Kushner would have included a shocking relationship with the King and Mordechai, so I guess that leaves…

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get the skit on to this blog.  (Well, I could type it by hand but–really–are you worth the trouble?  Just the seven who wished me a Happy Birthday.)  What I can do, however, is email it to you.  If you request it, you will get a copy of “The Vizier of Oz”.  I was told to give it an Oz theme; the title was the best that I could do.  With a little more time, I really could have given the skit an Oz interpretation, at least Hollywood in the Thirties.  Joseph Kennedy would have been Haman, trying to drive the Jews out of the film industry.  Louis B. Mayer could be the vacuous king, prepared to go along with the Anti-Semite;  Mayer never seemed to realize that he would be in cattle car, too.  Mordechai can be Irving Thalberg, so then Esther would be Norma Shearer–who did convert to marry Thalberg.  Of course, that puts the Mordechai and Esther relationship in a different light, but you always suspected that, too.)

In any case, if you want to read “The Vizier of Oz”, write to me at

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