Posts Tagged ‘Michael Jackson’

At the Very Least…

Posted in General on July 6th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments

The funeral of Michael Jackson should begin with 15 minutes of global wailing.

This will be followed by a procession of every Nobel laureate doing the moonwalk.

Then there will be a medley of Michael’s greatest hits.  Representing Hollywood, Ernest Borgnine will sing “Ben.”  As a personal greeting from God, “Ease On Down the Road” will be sung by Pope Benedict XVI, the Dalai Lama and Oprah Winfrey.  “Thriller” will be performed by Barack Obama accompanied by the exhumed and animated corpses of 39 deceased Presidents. 

The United Nations will announce the renaming of the Sun.

Finally, the funeral pyre will be lit and the 3500 reporters covering the event will commit suttee.  Please!

Your RDA of Obituaries

Posted in General, On This Day on June 26th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments

Obituary I

It is day 87 of the coverage of the death of Michael Jackson.  Since his posthumous appointment as America’s Good Will Ambassador, Mr. Jackson has visited 47 countries.

It is a tribute to America’s plastic surgeons as well as Michael’s stamina that the decomposition has been minimal.  No one really is going to notice a disintegrating pancreas.  Ambassador Jackson has been credited with the disarmament agreement with North Korea.  Kim Jung Il was a big fan, and was willing to make any concession to have Mr. Jackson’s visit.

Iran has been omitted from itinerary, but Ayatollah Khamenei tried not to seem hurt.  “Who wants that Jew anyway?  He is no Petula Clarke!”

Obituary II

Alas, on this day in 363, Julian the Apostate was killed.  Ruling the Roman Empire from 361 to 363, Julian was the last pagan emperor and the first management consultant.

Since 312, the Empire had been operating on a new managerial system called Christianity. The prototype of Total Quality Management, Christianity provided the benefits of monotheism without circumcision. It also offered eternal retirement benefits, which proved very popular among the meek.

Constantine imagined that Christianity would be a cohesive and subservient force for the government. Instead, the Christian sects were fighting each other when they weren’t persecuting everyone else. Christianity certainly did not discourage fraticide in the Imperial family. Constantine’s sons killed each other off, leaving the throne to cousin Julian. Having barely survived the carnage, he was not impressed with Christianity.

To save the Empire, Julian tried to reinvent Paganism.But as a graduate of the best schools in the Empire, Julian felt that Paganism needed intellectual dignity: fewer orgies, more seminars. So the Emperor preached Neo-Platonism, a unique combination of philosophy and animal sacrifices. His religion would appeal to the masses’ minds rather than to their fears and hopes.His approach certainly had cerebral appeal. Pagans had fun, Christians had solace but Neoplatonists had metaphysics. There weren’t many converts. The Christians resented Julian, while the pagans were just bewildered. (The Jews liked him because he wasn’t persecuting them.)

Unfortunately, Julian did not have a chance to promote his metaphysical, synergized paradigm. While leading the Roman army against Persia, he was killed in battle. We still don’t know by which side.