Posts Tagged ‘Jews’

Sarah Palin’s Next Career

Posted in General on October 27th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – 6 Comments

Sarah Palin, Republican John McCain’s running mate, tried to burnish her foreign policy credentials by meeting here with Israel’s ambassador to the United States. “We look forward to working with your Jewish agency,” she told Ambassador Sallai Meridor.

Governor Palin seems to be under the impression that any Jewish state would be a talent agency. That is true of William Morris (not his original name), Creative Artists Agency and ICM, but not Israel. (Israel, however, could give Mrs. Palin a good deal for its Philharmonic to play at Bristol’s wedding.)

But the Governor certainly would want a Jewish agent to negotiate for her book deal and Fox talk show. A Gentile agent–if one actually exists–could be raptured in the middle of the negotiations. That is not only inconvenient but unprofessional. No, Gov. Palin would want an agent who expects to be damned–and does business accordingly.

Happy New Year

Posted in General on September 30th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

First, let me wish myself a Happy New Year. (You, too–when applicable.) In the Jewish chronology, this new year is 5769. Of course, that’s just the retail value. Between us, at most it should be 3495.

So, looking back at the last year, what were the high points of being Jewish? Of course, we are all thrilled that Amy Winehouse is still alive. It also is flattering to think that Lindsey Lohan is dating a Jewish girl and might consider converting. (That should more than compensate for losing Gustav Mahler to Catholicism.)

And you cannot describe our pride in knowing that Joseph Lieberman is John McCain’s Rabbi Richelieu. We should also proclaim the tutorial brillance of William Kristol if Sarah Palin now knows the names of three European capital cities.

We also take vicarious pride in Nicolas Sarkosy. The President of France may only be one quarter Jewish but he is 100 percent pushy. You would not want to be in front of him at the lox platter. I could imagine him starring in the French production of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

This year’s Nobel Prizes were a bit unnerving, however. Gentiles won in all the real categories–even medicine. Fortunately, we always have economics as a consolation prize. And the winners–and our saviors–were Leon Hurwicz, Eric Maskin and Roger Myerson.

However, the Smartest Jew of the Year has to be actress Rachel Weisz. She took one look at the script of “The Mummy, part III” and decided to let someone else have the role. (Poor Maria Bello)

So, it is another year for Western Civilization’s Longest Running Road Show. Still under original management!

President Sidney

Posted in General on June 30th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Barack Hussein Obama must be a Moslem because of his middle name. Using that same irrefutable criterion, one must conclude that John Sidney McCain is Jewish. Just say the name Sidney and you conjure the images of a schlub accountant, a wisecracking deli man, or the retired garment worker in Florida. What do they have in common? Certainly not a foreskin.

Yes, I know that Sidney McCain does not look Jewish. But neither did Kirk Douglas until he turned 75. (So any minute now….) And the evidence is already there: Oy, is he a Sidney! Consider his campaign pledges. He denounces pork barrel legislation; so what has he got against pork? He also promises to cut government spending: the man just does not want to pay retail. As for his personal life, the stereotype holds true: his second wife is a younger, blonde shiksa. And what real Gentile would willingly hang around Joseph Lieberman? (Even we Jews are tempted to give the little nebbish a wedgie and steal his lunch money.)

Now that the world knows the truth, beware of a President Sidney. Would you want to see state dinners replaced by Sunday brunches? Do you want “The Star Spangled Banner” to be replaced by a Gershwin tune, even if it is easier to sing? (“Strike Up the Band” sounds patriotic but “I Got Plenty of Nuttin’ would be a more accurate state of the union.) Would you want an America run like a Hollywood studio? Well, that actually might be an improvement. If only we could be sure that Sidney McCain were as good as Louis B. Mayer.


Posted in General on May 16th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

The Republican National Committee has denounced Barack Obama for his “callous indifference to the history of the Jewish people.” This sharp attack was based on Sen. Obama’s revelation that he had not seen the last episode of ‘Seinfeld’.

It is tantamount to denying the Holocaust” exclaimed William Kristol. “The series ended with Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer sitting in a jail cell. They could been awaiting deportation to a death camp in Poland. And did Senator Obama also conveniently forget to watch the last episode of ‘Friends’, not caring whether or not David Schwimmer and Elliot Gould might be murdered. What is Barack Obama missing: television episodes or basic decency?”

The Obama campaign denied the accusation, asserting that the Senator was a Trekkie and long considered the Vulcans to be Jewish. This explanation did not placate Senator Joseph Lieberman: “I’ve always identified with the Ferengi.” William Kristol remained equally skeptical. “If Obama really wants to prove that he is not an Anti-Semite, he should have an affair with Barbara Walters.”

Blue Blooded Fractions

Posted in General on March 13th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Looking up one topic, I often find fascinating tangents. For example, in my research on Generaleastimmo Santa Anna I became diverted to the topic of Spanish snobbery. While Santa Anna was not an aristocrat, he was in the second best stratum: a Criollo. We would recognize the term in its French spelling, Creole. Being a Criollo meant that Santa Anna was of pure European blood. That certainly distinguished him from the vast majority of Mexico’s population whose genetic foundation was Spanish rapists and native victims.

The specific term for Santa Anna’s impeccable pedigree was “liempieza de sangre“–the cleanliness of the blood. Such lineage meant more than social status; it was a prerequisite for any position in the Spanish civil service, an officer’s rank in the army or admission into the Jesuits. (The Jesuits, unlike the civil service or the officer corps, also required brains). To qualify for such distinction, one had to prove a racial purity going back four generations. This strident snobbery was not incited by a fear of an Aztec great-great grandparent but rather of a Jewish one.

In the 14th and 15th centuries, many Spanish Jews found conversion preferable to massacre. These “conversos” initially found no social restrictions on them. The more successful ex-Jews were even encroaching on the aristocracy. A threadbare grandee could be quite ecumenical about marrying the heiress of the nouveau riche, nouveau Catholic. This infiltration was occurring throughout the upper classes, and the Old Order began to panic. Just because “they had stopped being Jewish” did not mean “they” had stopped being insidious. These reactionary “blue bloods” were the first to regard the Jews as an indelible, incorrigible race rather than–in the words of the Church–“a blind people” whom conversion would cure.

So in the 16th century, the Old Guard persuaded the Crown to enact the laws and restrictions of “liempieza de sangre.” Now any aspirant to rank or office had to prove that all sixteen great-great-grandparents were born Catholic, using their umbilical cords as rosaries. Given the fluid social mobility of preceding two centuries, many Spanish aristocrats found themselves either barred or forced to forge Gentiles on the family tree. Consider the irony: it was easier for a Spanish peasant to prove his racial purity. (Sancho Panza brags about it, while Don Quixote maintains an intriguing silence on the topic.)

Furthermore, one exception had to be made to the Blood Laws restrictions: the monarchy. Had the Laws been enacted in 1492, Ferdinand and Isabella would have had to expel themselves. The Queen of Castille was one eighth Kosher, and the King of Aragon was 3/16ths. The fact that they were first cousins did not dilute the fraction in their children. Their grandson and successor Charles V, thanks to his all-Aryan dad, got the fraction down to about 3/32s but then he had to marry his Portuguese cousin (and she was about one eighth). So His Most Catholic Majesty–and pinup of the Inquisition–Philip II is approximately 3/16th you-know-what. In fact, an antagonistic Pope made an Anti-Semitic remark about Philip. Philip and his heirs did make a practice of marrying their Austrian cousins, finally diluting the Jewish factor to an acceptable Gentile fraction–but also increasing the tendency toward congenital idiocy.

And while one could denounce Santa Anna as an incompetent tyrant, he could not be called loud or pushy. His pedigree proves it.