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AP sources: Israel wouldn’t warn US on Iran strike

There might be some hints, however….

Dear President Obama,

In two weeks, we will be celebrating the bar mitzvah of the Weintraub twins:  Schuyler and Beaumont!  Our party theme will be aircraft carriers in the Persian Gulf.  We would really appreciate it if you could lend us a fleet for each child, and perhaps two more for any out of town guests.  It should be just for that weekend.

You might be concerned that the party will be a bit raucous and the neighbors might complain.  On the contrary, the usually cranky Mr. Saud has written us a blank check for the “festivities.”  Yes, he addressed it to the “Zionist Vampires” but there will be no problem cashing it.  Furthermore, he wrote a rather endearing note, “I still want to drive you into the sea but you can use my chauffeured limousine.”

Naturally, we understand if you would like a security deposit.  How about the electoral votes of New York, California and Illinois?

Just leave the carrier keys at the front gate.  Thanks.

Chutzpah Party Planners

As New Lawyer, Senator Gillibrand Defended Big Tobacco

The Philip Morris Company did not like to talk about what went on inside its lab in Cologne, Germany, where researchers secretly conducted experiments exploring the effects of cigarette smoking.

So when the Justice Department tried to get its hands on that research in 1996 to prove that tobacco industry executives had lied about the dangers of smoking, the company moved to fend off the effort with the help of a highly regarded young lawyer named Kirsten Rutnik.

Ms. Rutnik, who now goes by her married name, Gillibrand, threw herself into the work. She traveled to Germany at least twice, interviewing the lab’s top scientists, whose research showed a connection between smoking and cancer but was kept far from public view.

She helped contend with prosecution demands for evidence and monitored testimony of witnesses before a grand jury, following up with strategy memos to Philip Morris’s general counsel.

Senator Gillibrand now apologizes for what she terms “a misunderstanding.”  “I thought that the tests were for a link between smoking and toboggans.  Of course, you toboggan in cold weather, when you can see your breath.  And that does look like smoke.”

Upon further questioning, the Senator explained “I went to Dartmouth.  So I was probably drunk; in fact, I might be now.”

When Stars Twitter, a Ghost May Be Lurking

In its short history, Twitter — a microblogging tool that uses 140 characters in bursts of text — has become an important marketing tool for celebrities, politicians and businesses, promising a level of intimacy never before approached online, as well as giving the public the ability to speak directly to people and institutions once comfortably on a pedestal.

But someone has to do all that writing, even if each entry is barely a sentence long. In many cases, celebrities and their handlers have turned to outside writers — ghost Twitterers, if you will — who keep fans updated on the latest twists and turns, often in the star’s own voice.

 

 You may know that Iran’s President Mahmud Ahmadinejad has a blog. Did you know that I was ghostwriting it? This actually was one of the more reputable jobs that I found on Craigslist. So, of course, you want to know what Mahmud is really like.

I have no idea. I only know what I am told by his p.r. department, the typical collection of burned out reporters and bored debutantes. My supervising editor was Fatima Ahmadinejad. (No relative, because Moslems don’t count sisters.) Her instructions were to make Mahmud folksy, engaging and warm. I asked if he should be humorous. This question required a departmental conference and then a Sharia judgment. I was finally told that he could be funny so long as he did not seem Jewish or gay. So humor was out.

I ended up ghostwriting his movie reviews. If you are not familiar with the Iranian rating system, here is an explanation:

Excellent film: two thumbs up, and no hostages. (For example, the slightly edited musical “Seven Brides for One Brother”)

Good film: one thumb up, and no more than three hostages. (“The Virgin Suicide Bombers”)

Fair: one thumb cut off, and four to eight hostages. (“Edward Scimitarhands”)

Poor: don’t ask. (Anything with Jews)

John McEnroe Duped in Art Scam

Former tennis champion John McEnroe was duped along with Bank of America, investment firms, art owners and collectors in a sophisticated $88 million art investment scam revealed in New York on Thursday.

 

I am pleading guilty.  I offered time shares in the Sistine Chapel.

You may know that Iran’s President Mahmud Ahmadinejad has a blog. Did you know that I was ghostwriting it? This actually was one of the more reputable jobs that I found on Craigslist. So, of course, you want to know what Mahmud is really like.

I have no idea. I only know what I am told by his p.r. department, the typical collection of burned out reporters and bored debutantes. My supervising editor was Fatima Ahmadinejad. (No relative, because Moslems don’t count sisters.) Her instructions were to make Mahmud folksy, engaging and warm. I asked if he should be humorous. This question required a departmental conference and then a Sharia judgment. I was finally told that he could be funny so long as he did not seem Jewish or gay. So humor was out.

For each column, I was to be paid five barrels of oil. Since the payment is two weeks late, I feel free to offer this expose:

Mahmud does not actually know 47 ways to clean a Persian rug.

He really did dislike the last episode of Seinfeld. He would have had the cast driven into the sea.

He really is not using those centrifuges for nuclear weapons. Centrifuges are great for grilling goats, and they leave fewer ashes. (So you won’t need all those ways to clean a Persian rug.) Children also might enjoy decorating the centrifuges with fingerpaints and sparkle; but remember, no images of Mohammed.

He actually does not speak English but still is confident that he could beat George Bush on Jeopardy.

On this day in 331 B.C.J. (Before Cousin Jesus), Alexander of Macedonia–as well as Greece and every leather bar from Athens to Babylon–completely justified his megalomania by defeating the Persian horde at the battle of Gaugemela. So it can be done. Notify the President immediately.

In fact, I am providing him with this Executive summary.

How to Conquer Iran

Iran couldn’t be more belligerent if it were broadcasting Wagner from minarets. So as long as we are in the neighborhood, transforming Iraq into Norway, we might as well change Iran into Sweden. However, let’s not be as giddy as we were invading Iraq. That adventure was planned by intellectuals who had no military experience, unless you count playing Risk at Cornell. This time we should first consider the successful invasions of Iran.

Iran wasn’t born Moslem, and you can’t attribute the conversion just to Arab charm. In the seventh century, religious fanaticism and cavalry made Islam nearly irresistible. Even the desolation of Iran was no hindrance to an army accustomed to the deserts of Arabia. The conquered pagans were presented with a compelling argument for Islam: conversion or death. Since the indigenous theological mix of Zoroastrianism and animism hadn’t proved much of a protection, the Iranians conceded the superiority of Allah.

So strategy #1: We have to be more psychotically devout than the Iranians. The armed forces could dispense with intelligence tests and let Pat Robertson recruit for us.

In the thirteenth century, Iran was introduced to the renowned entrepreneur Genghis Khan. A master of marketing, he demonstrated free samples of massacres and then let word-of-mouth do the rest. The towns that did not comply with immediate and abject surrender would learn the Mongol hobby of collecting decapitated heads and building them into pyramids. Such recreation perpetrated Mongol rule in Iran for more than two centuries. Over time, the Mongols did convert to Islam; jihads and harems had such a spiritual appeal. Known by the more Arabic pronunciation of Mogul, they overran India and made Islam so very popular there.

So strategy #2: We have to be more barbaric than the Iranians. Our recruiting ads should be developed by Wes Craven and broadcast on “South Park.”

The only successful invasion by a western army was by-who else—Alexander the Great. The unnatural wonder of the world really knew how to shock and awe. Beholding Alexander’s resplendent phalanxes, the Iranians felt so shabby. Chic yet practical, Greek bronze could stop weapons and conversation. The Persian Empire was embarrassed into extinction.

So strategy #3: We have to stress the camp in campaign. Of course, that would require one particular change in military policy. Instead of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” now we would have to insist upon it. However, the transition from Sousa to Sondheim might be surprisingly easy. Our officers already adorn themselves with garish costumes and have a habit of accosting young men.

Of course, any of these strategies would require armed forces; but ours are currently preoccupied in Iraq, on loan to Halliburton. That leaves us with the Byzantine approach: let someone else do the fighting for us. Through guile and manipulation, the medieval Greeks maintained an empire extending from Italy to Persia. Without the military resources to overwhelm Persia, the Byzantines made an art of undermining it. Where there was an idle tribe of barbarians on Persia’s border, Byzantium would subsidize an invasion. If there were a surplus of Persian princes, the Greeks would generously encourage a civil war. Through its pawns and proxies, Byzantium divided and distracted its eastern enemy; yet Constantinople could claim a sanctimonious innocence.

So, strategy #4: find a convenient but unincriminating ally. Israel would love to help, but how would we explain its air force refueling in Baghdad? No, we need an Arab leader who loves war and hates Iran. Fortunately, one comes readily to mind. Unfortunately, Saddam Hussein now is unavailable.

copyrighted 2006

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