Posts Tagged ‘Easter’

How Easter and Passover Ended Up on Separate Schedules

Posted in General on March 27th, 2016 by Eugene Finerman – 1 Comment

The Easter Caesar

In 325, under the protection of the Emperor Constantine, Christians had emerged from the catacombs and now were at each others’ throats. As emperor and referee, Constantine summoned a Church Council to his palace in Nicaea, trying to get the various factions to concur on anything. Yes, the Council agreed that there was a Trinity. No, the clergy did not have to be celibate. (That question would be raised again.) And there was the matter of scheduling Easter.

Traditionally, Easter was based on the Jewish Passover. It was Gospel, literally. But there were those distrusted a reliance on the Jewish calendar. What if the Jews deliberately sabotaged the timing of Passover to embarrass the Christians? How old is Pat Robertson?

But Constantine agreed; his Church should be self-reliable. If Jews could figure out those lunar convolutions for Passover, certainly the Christians could do the same for Easter. The Emperor ordered that Easter would be celebrated after the first full moon following the Spring Equinox.

Easter, the first drafts

Posted in General on April 8th, 2012 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

In the order they were written…

The Gospel of Mark:

And the stone was rolled away, and Yeshua grumbled, “Oy, such a weekend.”

The Gospel of Matthew:

So out schlepped Jeshy.  “At least I got out of two days of matzoh.  Talk about Hell, which is a lot like the Pharisees’ recipe for brisket:  eternal roasting and completely tasteless.”

The Gospel of Luke:

Looking none the worse for the tomb’s post-Spartan decor, Christos exclaimed “By Jove, I would love some souvlaki and ouzo.”

The Gospel of John:

And the Lord first saw Mary Magdalene and said unto  her, “Megs, look what the Jews did to my wrists! Now they will probably try to sell me some cufflinks.  Those people!”




Putting the Awe in Autopsy

Posted in General on February 27th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment


Filmmakers and researchers on Monday unveiled two ancient stone boxes they said may have once contained the remains of Jesus and Mary Magdalene, but several scholars derided the claims made in a new documentary as unfounded and contradictory to basic Christian beliefs.

“The Lost Tomb of Jesus,” produced by Oscar-winning director James Cameron and scheduled to air March 4 on the Discovery Channel, argues that 10 small caskets, called ossuaries, discovered in 1980 in a Jerusalem suburb may have held the bones of Jesus and his family.”

Cameron announced the finding of Jesus’ business card, advertising the services of a “carpenter, public speaker and leper therapist.”

James Cameron?  Jesus must be down on His luck.  Just imagine what a better director would have discovered….

Walking in the Little Italy section of Rome, Director Martin Scorsese found the body of Jesus.  The literal Godfather had been shot in the head six times and His body stuffed in the trunk of a chariot. 

Opening the exhibit of “Sex Toys of Antiquity” at the Baltimore Art Institute and Flea Market, Director John Waters announced the discovery of Jesus’ body and an even bigger surprise!  “Actually, the name should be Jessica Christine.”

Swimming through rivers of lava, fighting through hordes of demons, and balancing his shooting schedule with the demands of the Royal Shakespeare Company, Peter Jackson found the pixels of Jesus.

Michael Moore announced that Jesus had been killed by a right-wing conspiracy of the Military-Industrial Complex.   (Actually, we already knew that.)