FinermanWorks

Once Congressional leaders agreed on the $700 billion Wall Street welfare program, Senator John McCain descended from the ceiling to take credit–and applause–for everyone else’s work.

“Yes, my friends, my selfless example of putting patriotism over politics has been the inspiration for you all. I can’t stress enough how selfless I have been, suspending my campaign because my country needed my economic leadership. I understand the meaning of $ 700 billion; that is like marrying Cindy 3500 times. But I would make that sacrifice for America.”

When asked the specific details of his economic leadership, the Senator reached for his index cards and replied, “Regardless of what Senator Obama believes, I support the decimal system. I would never shortchange the American people by making the dollar worth three quarters. That one quarter might not mean much to my opponent but it does to millions of American children–children that Senator Obama would have aborted. And just for their quarters.”

Senator Obama denied any intentions to kill millions of children for their allowances, although he could offer no disproof of it. However, he did use a dictionary to demonstrate that a three-quarter dollar would be illogical. He was subsequently denounced for elitist arrogance in having a dictionary and flaunting his mastery of fractions.

“DID BARACK OBAMA SELL COCAINE TO GEORGE BUSH?”

Would Barack Obama betray this country by selling illegal–and foreign–drugs to George Bush while America was fighting international terrorism? Could Barack Obama be that evil? And do you think that he would even pay taxes on those cocaine sales–money America needed–undermining and depriving our brave troops of the weapons and supplies to protect themselves AND YOU!

John McCain and Sarah Palin know what made America great–and it wasn’t cocaine!

I am John McCain and I approve this message.

The controversial ad eclipsed the other stories of the day: the nuclear war between Pakistan and India, China’s purchase of the Treasury Department, and Lindsey Lohan’s conversion to Judaism. Journalists were clamoring for more details.

Had President Bush really purchased cocaine from Senator Obama? Press Secretary Dana Perino refused to respond, saying that it would be improper to comment on the investigation of Senator Obama’s involvement in drugs, tax evasion, terrorism or any unsolved murders in Hawaii, Illinois or Washington D.C.

The Obama campaign denied the allegations and–after hours of discussions–called them “lies.” But the media demanded the Democrats prove that the Republicans were lying. The McCain campaign quickly produced this ad.

Barack Obama has called John McCain a liar. A wounded veteran. A prisoner of war. An American hero. But Barack Obama calls him a liar. Is this Obama’s idea of change…the same old politics of personal attacks? Obama should be ashamed of himself. America is.

I am John McCain and I approve of your righteous indignation.

The following news cycle–30 minutes later–the media asked “Should character assassin Barack Obama be forced to withdraw from the Democratic ticket?” After two minutes of questioning by Wolf Blitzer, Nancy Pelosi capitulated. Her Botox showing the strain, Speaker of the House Pelosi said “the Democratic Party needs a candidate beyond reproach-or at least one that the Republicans wouldn’t want to hurt. Maybe Joe Lieberman will take us back.”

Lieberman refused, however, unless he could have John McCain for his co-president. Obama stayed on the ticket despite demands for his indictment and his subsequent treatment for catatonia. Even in an incoherent stupor, Obama still won the Presidential debates if not the election.

In a bipartisan gesture, President McCain granted a blanket pardon to Senator Obama “just in case he actually did any of that stuff.”

John McCain’s campaign ad “The One” has generated a lot of buzz regarding the “Left Behind Series.” Political commentators are comparing McCain’s portrayal of competitor Barack Obama with the blockbuster apocalyptic series’ depiction of the antichrist. But even the series authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins don’t think Obama is the antichrist.

Of course, Barack Obama is not the Auntie Christ. How could anyone possibly mistake him for a 2000 year-old-Jewish woman?

The Auntie Christ actually would be Marla, the older sister of the Virgin Mary. As Mary consoled her Son on the cross, “Believe me, living with Marla is worse.” Marla was the terror of Galilee; no one else had decent taste in togas or a palatable recipe for brisket. Worse, once she bullied her way into being the Chairlady of the Temple Sisterhood, Rosh Hashonah and Yom Kippur had to be scheduled at times convenient for her. (She had season tickets for the Caesarea Repertory Theater and belonged to a Mahjong club.) Never known as the Virgin Marla, for a year or so she dated Herod the Great. Archaelogists attribute to her influence the more garish bathrooms at Masada.

Nothing Mary ever did was good enough for her domineering sister. When told that Mary was with child from the Holy Spirit, Marla said “A Greek God would be better looking.” Indignant at the prospect of an unwed mother in “her” family, Marla threatened to sue God for palimony. A settlement was reached; Mary received a complimentary husband and Marla was promised (God’s word of honor) that all of her descendants would get into the best colleges.

Marla was just as brutal an aunt as she was a sister. When Jesus turned the water into wine, guess who complained about the glassware? Upon seeing Lazarus raised from the dead, Marla chided her nephew, “If you had been a doctor, maybe he wouldn’t have died in the first place.”

Naturally, the writers of the Gospels remembered Aunt Marla as the incarnation of evil. And if her presence heralds the end of the world, who among us fits the description of an ancient, terrifying yenta? It must be Midge Decter.

The Republican National Committee has denounced Barack Obama for his “callous indifference to the history of the Jewish people.” This sharp attack was based on Sen. Obama’s revelation that he had not seen the last episode of ‘Seinfeld’.

“It is tantamount to denying the Holocaust” exclaimed William Kristol. “The series ended with Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer sitting in a jail cell. They could been awaiting deportation to a death camp in Poland. And did Senator Obama also conveniently forget to watch the last episode of ‘Friends’, not caring whether or not David Schwimmer and Elliot Gould might be murdered. What is Barack Obama missing: television episodes or basic decency?”

The Obama campaign denied the accusation, asserting that the Senator was a Trekkie and long considered the Vulcans to be Jewish. This explanation did not placate Senator Joseph Lieberman: “I’ve always identified with the Ferengi.” William Kristol remained equally skeptical. “If Obama really wants to prove that he is not an Anti-Semite, he should have an affair with Barbara Walters.”