My synagogue will be very disappointed in what I have to say.  Kate Middleton, the fiancee of William Windsor, is not remotely Jewish.  Yes, her mother’s maiden name is Goldsmith–which seems a Jewish moniker as well as occupation.  Furthermore, with the very same name, there is a prominent (and frequently notorious) British family which definitely is Semitic.  Remember the international playboy Sir James Goldsmith; you probably know someone he slept with.  That Goldsmith family founded the University of London at a time when Oxford and Cambridge wouldn’t allow Jews to graduate.  (They could attend the colleges, however;  English Anti-Semitism can be very polite.)

However, Kate Middleton ain’t one of those Goldsmiths–who originally were the Goldschmidts.  No, her Goldsmiths seem to be parishioners all the way back to Stonehenge.

If it is any solace at my synagogue, Prince William may be 1/32nd Jewish.  There were rumors about Prince Albert, the consort of Queen Victoria.  He did seem unusually brunet and intelligent for a Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, and his mother was said to be on very cordial terms with the Court financier.  Prince Philip did consent to genetic testing to help identify the remains of the Romanovs.  But I doubt that anyone in the Royal family will offer a swab sample to prove a relationship with Sacha Baron Cohen.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/01/08/new-orleans-and-salaciously-old-orleans/

I can tell you the date of the battle of Manzikert but I have yet to memorize my cell phone number.  So how would I remember that today is the birthday of Joan Stewart Smith?  Of course, the name Stewart would trigger my mnemonic synapses.  And I would be just as cognizant if she were Joan Hohenzollern Smith, Joan Romanov Smith or Joan Qing/Manchu Smith.  However it really helped that she publicly announced that today is her birthday.  (She is in public relations but I am still willing to believe her.)

Happy Birthday Joan.  I hope that you don’t mind sharing it with Bishop Ussher.  He could use you as a publicist.

January 4, 1581:  Happy Birthday Bishop Ussher

Imagine being remembered for the most stupid thing you ever said.  And I mean “remembered“:  three centuries later, people would still be mocking you.  That is the pathetic legacy of James Ussher (1581-1656).  He’s the one who said that the universe was created in October, 4004 B.C.  Now stop your sneering.  He was not a village idiot or a charlatan, but a highly respected scholar and Anglican clergyman.   However preposterous his calculation now seems, it was a painstaking interpolation of history and the Bible.

His chronology was the culmination of four years of research.  Ussher was so diligent that he would not trust the Greek or Latin translations of the Bible; he went back to the original Hebrew.  (You may question the quality of Hebrew taught in 16th century Dublin, and if he ever practiced it with any merchants in London.)  The polyglot Ussher was also using the works of Greek and Roman historians to weave the pagans’ chronology with the Bible’s.   Finished in 1654, “Annales Veteris et Nove Testamenti” was in fact an unprecedented work of scholarship.

Until Ussher, ancient history had no precise chronology.  Yes, theater goers knew that Julius Caesar died on March 15, but the exact year was a guess.   When did Alexander the Great live?  You’d think that scholars would know; they didn’t.  History since Anno Domini had a defined order; but “before Christ” was a vague progression.  People knew that Rameses came before Cyrus, who came before Hannibal, but the specific dates were unknown.  Ussher changed that and with an impressive degree of accuracy.  He was the first true chronicler of ancient history.  The battle of Marathon–490 B.C.: correct.  Babylonians destroy Jerusalem–586 B.C.: give or take a year.  King David died–970 B.C.:  seems plausible.  Yes, you notice the diminishing precision.

Being a clergyman (an archbishop, no less) Ussher regarded the Bible as an infallible historical work.   So his chronological interpolation would extend to the beginning of history, and I do mean “The Beginning.”  If you take the Bible literally, then Ussher’s calculation cannot be faulted.  The universe was created in 4004 B.C.  But that is a matter of faith rather than history.

Unfortunately, Archbishop Ussher is best remembered for his worst assertion, not his genuine and lasting contributions to scholarship.  But history isn’t supposed to be fair–just accurate.

Client Fulfillment Consultant

 

Description

Responsible for independently acting as the primary interface with the client to establish all connectivity between organizations. Organizes all internal and external project related activities to ensure a timely and smooth client implementation process. Exercises judgment and discretion with respect to client relations and problem resolutions. Must be a team player, take end-to-end ownership, and drive for results to grow the business, sustain intensity and optimism while focusing on the client.

But what if the client’s idea of fulfillment would be coherent English?  Imagine if Aladdin had rubbed that magic lamp and a MBA had appeared.  “You have authorizational capabilities, within tertiary perimeters, to accumulatize your specificities.  Pre-tax status.”

Worse, what if traditional client fulfillment services–brothels–started operating like MBA programs.  A tired businessman or senator simply wants a woman dressed like BoPeep to spank him.  Instead, he is forced to read aloud the Eurodollar trades from the Wall Street Journal.  Yes, MBAs could even ruin masochism.

New Year’s Resolutions

I promise to always wear a helmet when I am riding with Hell’s Angels.

When encountering someone named Justin, I will try to refrain from a lecture on the Byzantine Empire.  (This resolution also applies to anyone named Zoe, Theodora and Nicephorus.)

I will try not to scream at the television whenever I see Ben Stein shamelessly shilling some product.  After all, someone must think that he is adorable–other than himself.

That is about it.  Otherwise, I really am quite content with my stagnant quo and I hope that we will continue our sado-masochistic (but intelligible) relationship in 2011.

Happy New Year!

p.s.  Of course, I have to question the specific year:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/12/31/happy-conspiratorial-new-year-3/

Spam of the Day

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You will be disappointed to know that this masterpiece was not from a porn site.  You will be horrified to know that it was from a medical supply company.  I would not want to buy a bed pan from this person, but this “fan” may be the source of my multi-vitamins or any of my annual medical tests.  Suddenly Christian Science seems like an excellent idea.

The Twelve Answers to My Christmas Quiz

1. Bethlehem is “house of bread” (answer c). If this was intended to be a franchise, it didn’t work.

2. Nicholas managed to be both a saint and a bureaucrat (answer b). In fact, Nicholas was a bishop, which is a bureaucratic job in itself. Furthermore, bishops in the late Roman Empire were part of the civil service, handling the judicial and supervisory responsibilities of their dioceses. The emperor tended to trust the clergy more than his relatives.

3. There would be no office Christmas parties under Oliver Cromwell (answer b). He outlawed the celebration of Christmas: It smacketh of Popery! Nonetheless, it is fun to imagine John Milton (Cromwell’s PR flack) getting drunk and poetically propositioning Mrs. Cromwell.

4. The answer is d: three sons. Don’t worry; Herod still had four sons to spare. He also executed one wife and one son-in-law. None of his daughters were so honored. To his credit, Herod never executed any of his grandchildren.

5. Magi were priests of the Zoroasterian religion, the dominant faith of the Parthian Empire (answer a). Peloponnesia (southern Greece)  Phoenicia (alias Lebanon) and Phrygia (central Turkey) were Roman provinces, and their versions of wise men would have been Hellenized sophists.

6. Prince Albert (answer d), the German-born husband of Queen Victoria, introduced the tannenbaum to England. He also may have introduced both intelligence and hemophilia into the Royal Family. The hemophilia made more of an impression.

7. The Pompeii REIT (answer b) would have been a good investment until AD 79. Being Augustus’ heir would be a terrible bet. All of his heirs had mysterious accidents or succumbed to surprise diseases. The Janus Theology Fund didn’t turn a profit until the fourth century, when a small-cap religion known as Christianity got Emperor Constantine’s celebrity endorsement. While philosophy was the first artificial intelligence, Microsophist would have been too ahead of its time.

8. Unfortunately, the answer is b. Berlin’s first memories were of the Cossacks’ version of “The Easter Parade.” Encouraged by the anti-Semitic policies of Czar Alexander III, the vicious mob could have been called “Alexander’s Rage Time Band.”

9. Would you try growing cotton in December? Neither would Sally Field’s character in Places in the Heart (answer a). In The Lion in Winter, the Plantagenets gather to celebrate Christmas and kill each other. In The French Connection, one of Gene Hackman’s transparent guises was as a street-corner Santa. Between planning escapes and beating up William Holden, the prisoners of Stalag 17 celebrated Christmas.

10. Alexandria (answer d) was the think tank of the Roman world. Its scientists developed the Julian calendar and correctly calculated the Earth’s circumference. One of them, Hieron, invented the first jet engine; however, he had no idea how to use it. Alexandria’s scientific community also successfully promoted a chronological concept called the “week.” The seven-day period once had been dismissed as just another Jewish idiosyncrasy. But when Alexandria adopted the idea, everyone loved it.

11. The Oracle of Delphi (answer c) offered incomprehensible utterances and was worshipped for them. Mr. Greenspan’s unique style of rhetoric would have hindered his career as a messiah. Imagine his version of the Golden Rule: “A proactive behavioralistic mode should be vectored to an optimalized spectrum with expectational reciprocity.”

12. The leaders of the rebellion hated to give up power (answer d). Unfortunately, the Maccabees were better soldiers than kings. The history of the dynasty is a sorry series of conspiracies and civil wars. Maccabee rule and Jewish independence ended in 63 B.C. when two princes were fighting over the throne. Each unable to eliminate the other, the brothers asked Rome to judge who should rule Judea. The Romans accepted the invitation, marched in, and didn’t leave.

Scoring Key

Now add up your correct answers and find your place in the Nativity.

12 correct: The center of attention
10-11: Star of Bethlehem
8-9: Host of angels
6-7: Wise men
4-5: Kindly shepherds (bewildered by Latin-singing angels)
2-3: Kindly sheep
1: Innkeeper

On this day in 1776, George Washington proved himself to be an immoral secular humanist by ruining a British Christmas party. While the Hessian garrison in Trenton, New Jersey was celebrating the birth of Jesus by compressing the 12 days of Christmas into one hangover, the sacrilegious Continental army crossed the Delaware River and attacked. We all know the painting of that Freemason Washington standing in a boat as his men rowed to battle. Of course, truly devout Americans would have walked upon the water.

Yes, the Americans won that day, but the Continental Congress should have disavowed such godless cheating. Why wasn’t George Washington court-martialed for his impiety? In fact, as an apology to Jesus, we should have called the Revolution off.

Boxing Day

This day celebrates the invention of production placement when Arena Sports Productions gave the infant Jesus a pair of authentic Spartacus boxing gloves.  There were tentative plans to arrange a fight between Jesus and the future emperor Claudius.  However, some doubted whether the palsied, stammering Roman would be a fit match for a carpentry major at Nazareth Community College.  It was hoped that Jesus would cure Claudius before beating him up.

As you know, however, that fight never happened.  The first real Boxing Day bout occurred between St. Stephen the King of Hungary and St. Stephen the Very Tactless over whose feast day this was.  Since this was prior to the Marquess of Queensbury rules, Tactless Steve and Paprika Breath fought it out with poison tipped crosiers.     (Fight available on pay-per-view.)  And it was a split decision.

(So, do I have a career with Wikipedia?)

For those of you who care: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Some of you may be curious as to why my ancestors turned down Christianity when it was an IPO. To be honest, it was a question of marketing. We really didn’t need a “new and improved monotheism” when we still were under the original warranty. Furthermore, Jesus was not really addressing our major problem. It was charming that He could cure lepers but what was He doing about the Romans? The Judeans wanted an exterminator, not a carpenter.

Finally and unforgivably, there was that problem with catering. What is the point of fish and loaves without cream cheese? If you going to perform a miracle, do it right!

Nonetheless, Merry Christmas.

Eugene

I. What is the literal meaning of Bethlehem?

a. Realty Developer Lee Hem had a daughter named Beth.
b. Hill of God
c. House of bread
d. Garden of grace

II. What was the actual occupation of St. Nicholas?
a. toymaker
b. bureaucrat
c. Teamster
d. gladiator

III. Which of these ‘CEOs’ would have had the worst office Christmas party?
a. Ivan the Terrible
b. Oliver Cromwell
c. Richard Nixon
d. Benedict XVI

IV. At the time of the first Christmas, Herod the Great was running Rome’s rackets in Judea. The job required a certain talent for killing, but Herod set the standard for slaughter, even within his own family. How many of his offspring did he off?
a. one treacherous rat, even by Herod’s standards
b. two smug ZBT types
c. two smug ZBT types and one treacherous rat
d. three devious daughters, two smug ZBT types and a treacherous rat in a pear tree

V. What was the nationality of the Three Magi?
a. Parthian
b. Peloponnesian                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    c. Phoenician
d. Phrygian

VI. Who introduced the Christmas tree to England?
a. The Venerable Bede
b. William the Conqueror
c. William of Orange
d. Prince Albert

VII. At the time of the first Christmas, which one of these would have been your best investment?
a. Being Augustus’ heir
b. Pompeii REIT
c. Janus Theology Fund
d. Microsophist

VIII. What was the first childhood memory of Irving Berlin?
a. a white Christmas
b. a technicolored pogrom
c. a snowman on Ellis Island
d. caroling on the lower East Side

IX. Which one of these films does not take place during the Christmas season?
a. Places in the Heart
b. The Lion in Winter
c. The French Connection
d. Stalag 17

X. What was the Silicon Valley of the first century?
a. Byzantium
b. Athens
c. Antioch
d. Alexandria

XI. In the first century, Alan Greenspan could have found steady work in which profession?
a. hosting orgies
b. professor of rhetoric
c. Oracle of Delphi
d. messiah

XII. For those of us who are related to Jesus (if only on his mother’s side), here is a Hanukkah question: After the Jewish people won their independence from Hellenist tyranny, which of the following happened?
a. They were immediately conquered by the Romans.
b. They established a theocratic republic.
c. They Hellenized so long as they were not forced to do so.
d. They were misruled by a dynasty of thugs and fools.

If you have the knowledge or foolhardy courage to answer, please do!  What else is the comments section for?  Otherwise, expect my purely subjective–if infallible– answers in a few days.

Vladimir Putin is feeling sentimental today. It is the 98th anniversary of the founding of the Cheka, the first Soviet secret police. In honor of this special day, 98 journalists will be assassinated. (To make that quota, the corpse pile will have to include four movie critics and seven cooking columnists; Russia is running out of journalists.)

We tend to think of Lenin as a misunderstood old dear, just a badly tailored Edmund Gwenn. Of course, that is only because we are comparing him to Stalin. In fact, Lenin wasn’t that old, a mere 47 at the time of the November Revolution. (Now, don’t you feel like an under-achiever.) Nor was he remotely lovable. Although he was not a Stalinoid monster, Lenin was a certifiable creep. He was an obsessed, remorseless tyrant who actually read calculus books for fun. Would you be any less dead if Lenin shot you for the sake of dialectic materialism than if Stalin shot you because it was his hobby?

So, it was not surprising that Lenin would establish a secret police just six weeks after the November Revolution. (So much for the honeymoon.) The first head of the Cheka was Felix Dzerzhinsky who was unique among the Bolshevik aristocracy in that he really was an aristocrat. Anyone who slighted him at a soiree or beat him at tennis probably did not live to regret it. Dzerzhinsky may have betrayed his class but not his tastes. In the midst of revolution and civil war, Dzerzhinsky requisitioned a Rolls-Royce for his personal use. It should be noted that his timing was as impeccable as his style. He died of heart attack in 1926, and so avoided a less natural cause of death from Stalin.

In organizing the Cheka, Lenin was just observiing a hallowed Russian tradition. Since Ivan the Terrible, the Tsars had relied on secret police as well. Indeed, Ivan set the standard. His death squads, the Oprichniki, had a very distinctive insignia: the severed head of a dog on their saddles. The dog’s head presumably would sniff out treason. Ivan distrusted his nobles, and the Oprichniki eliminated the causes of his anxiety. Of course, even the Oprichniki found that Ivan could be a little too whimsical. There is a story of a father-and-son team who had risen high in the Oprichniki hierarchy. While at a feast, Ivan thought of a test of loyalty for entertainment. The son was ordered to strangle the father. Before the guests, the son did as he was ordered. Then Ivan ordered the son to be executed; after all, how could Ivan trust anyone who would kill his father?

At least, subsequent Tsars and their secret police refrained from decapitating dogs for decor. (However, Faberge could have made some wonderful facsimiles.) In the last decades of the Russian Empire, the secret police was known as the Okhrana. Their chief concern was suppressing the growing radical movement. They proved so successful at infiltrating revolutionaries groups that Okhrana agents actually were managing many of the revolutionary plots. In 1911, Okhrana oversaw the assassination of the Russian Prime Minister, Pyotr Stolypin. A political moderate, at least by Russian standards, Stolypin’s attempts at reforms outraged the conservatives. So, Okhrana manipulated a thoroughly infiltrated radical group to kill him. The actual assassin was a genuine revolutionary but his supervisor and his supervisor’s supervisor were all on the Okhrana payroll. It was a perfect Okhrana coup: the reactionaries kill the moderate and frame the radicals.

Yes, the Okhrana even infiltrated the Bolsheviks. One of their double agents was a young Georgian who called himself Stalin. We can surmise that Stalin only gave up the names of the people he didn’t like. Of course, that could have been enough to crowd Siberia.

Oprichniki, Okrana, Cheka, KGB…These are the happy memories that Vladimir Putin is enjoying today. And who says that you can’t bring back the good old days?

Archduke Franz Ferdinand would have been 147 today; but he stopped counting in 1914. His assassination was, at the very least, a disaster for Sarajevo’s tourism. If only the heir to Austria-Hungary had the consideration to have been gunned elsewhere, World War I could have been averted.

The Emperor Franz Josef couldn’t stand his nephew. The archduke was crass, humorless and irritable; there was no Viennese charm about him. In fact, Franz Ferdinand hated Vienna: too intellectual, too artistic and–or is this redundant–too Jewish. The elderly Emperor may have kept living just to keep his repulsive nephew from the throne.

And if Franz Ferdinand had been killed anywhere but Bosnia-Herzegovina, the old Emperor might have chuckled and shrugged. The Hapsburgs were inured to violent deaths. Crown Prince Rudolf, the Emperor’s only son, had suffered depression and alleviated it with a pistol. (If only young Dr. Freud had advertised!).  The Emperor’s brother Maximilian had been executed in Mexico. The Empress Elizabeth had been assassinated in Switzerland. Yet Austria had not declared war on Mexico or Switzerland, and Franz Josef actually liked his wife.

Unfortunately, the assassination of Franz Ferdinand could not be rationalized or ignored. Bosnia-Herzegovina was Austrian territory (whether or not Bosnians liked it) and it really was a breach of etiquette for the Serbian secret service to be encouraging the murder of Hapsburgs there.

So Austria-Hungary had to declare war on Serbia, so Russia had to declare war on Austria, so Germany had to declare war on Russia, and France was only too eager to declare war on Germany, so Germany had to declare war on Belgium (poor Belgium was in the way), so Britain had to declare war on Germany. Turkey hated Russia and didn’t want to feel left out.

On the positive side, the next-in-line to the Hapsburg throne was the Archduke Karl, and the Emperor liked him.