FinermanWorks

(To be read aloud in a brogue:)

And how should we be celebrating Bloomsday?  James Joyce is easier to revere than read.  Otherwise, the Muppets would have done a production of “Ulysses.”  When you want to sound brilliant but have nothing to say, give a Joycean display of verbal pyrotechnics. Recite two puns in three languages in four words, and the world will be awed. Err-sick carrion liaison. (In English, Latin and Greek, that dubiously translates to “Lord, have mercy on Ireland.”) The words may have no relevance or meaning, but genius is beyond coherence.

Fortunately, King John was Anti-Semitic; so it was unlikely that he would have married Ayn Rand. She would never have let him sign the Magna Carta on this–or any other day–in 1215.

You could imagine their conversation at Runnymede.

John: Well, I’ve lost another war. This never happened to Richard. Perhaps heterosexuals don’t belong in the army. In any case, the barons are demanding that I sign this charter guaranteeing them all sorts of rights and protections.

Ayn: Only a weakling wants anything in writing. If these barons want their rights, they must seize them.

John: If I don’t sign, they’ll kill me.

Ayn: Only a weakling dies.

But John did sign–and immediately reneged on the terms. The barons decided to oust the little weasel and invited the French crown prince Louis (what else) to be king of England.

John, who had the remarkable ability of being both unscrupulous and incompetent, was losing this war, too. England seemed likely to be ruled by King Louis I. But John took the initiative and actually did something decisive that completely undermined his opposition: he dropped dead. The death was suitably ridiculous: a surfeit of peaches and ale. Yet, it effectively ended the rebellion.

The barons realized that John’s heir, his nine year-old son Henry, would make a much more malleable king than an adult French prince. In return for the barons’ allegiance, the regency of Henry III un-reneged the Magna Carta. And it has been in effect ever since.

As you may have suspected, I scribble on public washroom walls “For a pedantic time, contact Eugene.”  One magazine editor did so, assigning me to write a 1200 word essay on the causes of World War I. I would seem perfect for the task.  In fact, I may have been too perfect.  I turned in an 1800 word article; I just couldn’t say less than that. 

Perhaps in one sentence I could have blamed Kaiser Wilhelm II and Germany.  That would be somewhat accurate.  Wilhelm II was a dangerous buffoon, but he did not have a monopoly on stupidity.  Tsar Nicholas II would have had a lower score on “Jeopardy.”  And each of these reckless dolts had a skein of alliances that would embroil all of Europe in the war.  All of the grudges, ambitions and errors could not be summarized in 1200 words.

And once the editor read my article, she had to agree. 

The article is in current issue of Boss Magazine, on page 20.  I invite you to read it.  http://www.dixonvalve.com/fgal/publications/Boss_Summer_2007_DIXBOS.pdf

In fact, I think that you will enjoy the entire magazine.  Boss is an attractive, interesting periodical.  Of course, my article should be your priority.

Everyone knows of Mad King Ludwig of Bavaria. But he was a paragon of sanity compared to his younger brother and successor Otto.  Otto actually thought that he was a dog.  He was not given the chance to build extravagant kennels or to commission Dickie Wagner to compose six hours of barking. A regency was immediately established and Otto was just locked away.   A series of cousins actually ruled Bavaria.

And was Ludwig really insane? He was spending Bavaria into bankruptcy, but that is a royal prerogative. Ludwig’s only real manifestations of insanity were his fondness for Wagner and his public dislike of Bismarck. The latter could be regarded as a death wish and–on this day in 1886— Ludwig did drown under mysterious circumstances.

“The Sopranos” Ends

4000 Italian Actors Thrown Out of Work

The end of the HBO series may be the worst setback for Italian actors since the Vandals sacked the Roman production of “Grease”.  Employment prospects seem grim.  Williamsburg does not have many re-enactor roles named Vinnie.  HBO has hired an unemployment counselor who is hoping to persuade state fairs to put on productions of “Aida.”

And the less attractive Italians can “pass” and perform in “Fiddler on the Roof.”

Has it really been 2,330 years since Alexander the Great died?  I thought that Oliver Stone had embarrassed Alexander to death just three years ago.

I started watching Stone’s travesty “Alexander” but I gave up faster than a Persian.  (Will anyone here explain to me the appeal of Colin Farrell. He seems like a scrofular pub lout–which by a remarkable coincidence he is.)

Tell me, when did the Greeks have Irish accents? Given Stone’s pathological reinventing of history, I was surprised that we didn’t see James Joyce tutoring the young Alexander. And with computer graphics doing the casting, imagine Barry Fitzgerald as Ptolemy and Victor McLaglen as Philip. Furthermore, Maureen O’Hara is still available for the role of Olympias. If only John Ford had made the film….

However, I don’t think that Ford would have been comfortable with Alexander’s libido.    Scrolling through my papyrus editions of Asia on Five Denarii a Day I see that Alexander ‘s favorite bar was called The Hung Gardens of Babylon.   

Someone asked me if are we less educated than the people of 60 years ago. I would say that we have raised the lowest common denominator of education. There is a higher rate of literacy than in the past. However, there also seems to be a lower standard for the well-rounded education. Today’s students can be very sophisticated and yet appallingly myopic.

Two years ago I participated as a writing tutor in an educational program at the local high school. I would assist the students in attaining some semblance to coherence and logic in their essays. Talking with these teenagers and reading their writings, I observed a skewed direction in their education. In their interpretations of The Scarlet Letter, they could discuss the psychological aberrations and even the sexual deviations in the characters; however, they really had no idea when the story took place. When I asked them, some guessed the 19th century.

Did the English teachers feel that a little historical context would overload the adolescent mind?

Although as a free-lance writer, I have only a tenuous acquaintance with money but I do know what it looks like.  And I don’t like what I see!  Our dollars are a waste of space!  What are George Washington, Abe Lincoln and the rest of those celebrity corpses doing?  Nothing.  We should put them to work promoting various products.

The dollar is a perfect place for product placement because it is unavoidable.    People can flee the room during a TV commercial, they can skim past magazine ads, but they’re not going to stop using money.  And every time they handle a dollar bill, they would be getting a dose of the sponsor’s message.

Picture this!  We know that George Washington would have loved Poli-Grip, so why not show him on the dollar bill conferring his new-found smile on his favorite denture adhesive.  And a number of food companies would pay millions to take credit for rotting his teeth.  As long as he has two hands, he could be shown holding Poli-Grip and a Coke. 

Imagine what Honest Abe could shill on the five dollar bill!  There are a number of products that we easily could associate with him:  Prozac, Aunt Jemima and life insurance.  Ulysses Grant also has a certain product credibility.  Think of him cradling a bottle of Johnny Walker on the $50 bill. 

But the $10 bill is a real marketing opportunity.  Do people actually know what Alexander Hamilton looked like?  We could rent his niche to Ronald McDonald, Shrek, the Tidy-Bowl Man, or anyone else who is willing to pay for six months’ advertising.

Furthermore, our commercial opportunities are not limited to product placement on money.  Think of Mount Rushmore.  How much would Grecian Formula pay to color Abe’s beard?