Your RDA of Irony

The Tower Tour

Thomas Cromwell would never forgive my missing the Tower of London.  I was in the neighborhood, for the first time in 40 years, but I had to wonder if the Tower had changed.  I didn’t think that there had been any additional executions; however, there was always the risk of a new Six Wives theme park.  Would there now be a snack bar called Lady Jane Graze?

No, history still commanded some respect; the grounds looked reassuringly familiar.  Yet, there were changes awaiting me:  the exhibits had been updated.  For example, what is a torture chamber without sound effects:  the creaking rack, the ensuing screams while someone from Tudor human resources demands a confession.

And now, with interactive technology, you can be part of the history.  Have you ever wondered how good an archer you are?  I hadn’t but now I know anyway.  It seems that I qualify as a yeoman, and I could hit a mob of French cavalry or Gerard Depardieu.

In time, this interactive approach will be added to the Bloody Tower.  How would you kill the Little Princes?  Pick your method.

Poisoning them?  That is not English: deport yourself immediately.

Here are some of my stratagems.

A.  The “accidents will happen” approach would entail putting a cannon in their room.  While the boys are shooting at the Tower ravens, the cannon just might explode.   Granted, the damage would be bad for the building but not your reputation.  Dumb kids!

B. Let them kill themselves.  Send them off to France and Italy, with an unlimited expense account, where after a few years of being absolutely adorable they will succumb to alcohol and venereal disease.  The only risk in this plan is that Evelyn Waugh will sue you for plagiarism.

C.  Have the boys disappear, marry their oldest sister and not notice for at least ten years that your brothers-in-law are missing.  Then blame a dead enemy for the murders.  No, too implausible: that would never work.


  1. Joan Stewart Smith says:

    I trust the ravens are still there?

    • Eugene Finerman says:

      Joan, Of course the ravens are still there, and will be so long as there is an England.


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