Your RDA of Irony

The Wailing Wall Street Journal

December XXV, Annum I

New Management, New Image for LORD & Co.

How to Teach an Old Dogma New Tricks

JERUSALEM ”In a land this poor, it is not surprising that the Jews could not afford more than one God. Nor could the choosing people offer their deity the customary “perks” of divinity. Their generic God has to be invisible: it saves a fortune in marble. The Almighty can also forget about hosting theater, orgies and gladiator games. Here Heaven has a low overhead.

The question is can this religion be marketed? Gaius Phelonius of the Janus Theology Fund sees the potential. “Paganism is a headache. You have to sacrifice to all these Gods. You forget one, and you end up in a Greek tragedy. Now, if you had one all-purpose God, and a very cost-conscious one at that, think of what you’ll save in this world and the next.

“Monotheism can sell. Our focus groups show a decline in brand loyalty. People don’t see a real difference between Ceres and Isis. This is the biggest market erosion since the collapse of the Mother Earth cult. The public is ready for a change, and they are going to love this product. Think of it: a God with morals. A deity you can trust with your daughter.”

Phelonius did concede that monotheism had certain image problems. “All right, in terms of charisma, He’s no Apollo. That can be overcome. He’ll seem more likable if He has a wife and Son. The real challenge is to make Him less ethnic. Right now, he’s a little too East Coast. His idiosyncrasies about pork and foreskins won’t sell in Ephesus or Corinth. But it’s only a question of packaging.”

  1. Dennis Pennington says:

    Apparently he couldn’t be trusted with Mary .

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