Your RDA of Irony

Sunday Sundry

Northwestern Wildcats Take Huge 70-23 Loss

Demonstrating far more fortitude than his team, Northwestern coach Davenport “Binky” Whitsblank smiled away what some might consider a humiliating defeat.  “Of course, Wisconsin deserved to win.  It actually wanted to play football.  I have other priorities: protecting my players.  I can’t have them looking battered for their class photos or job interviews.  You know, at Northwestern, students have to maintain a high standard of pulchritude.  Not the theater people, of course.  They can look funny or New Yorkish–if you know what I mean.  But the normal students–they have to maintain their looks; and that is part of my job.”

Sports reporters (naturally, the better looking ones graduated from Medill) criticized Northwestern’s gridiron tactics.  Coach Whitsblank defended the social arrangement of the scrimmage line.  “We tried to pair our players with opponents of similar backgrounds.  Ancestry, religion, trust funds.  It is what their families would want.  So it might create some disparity in the scrimmage.  Obviously, none of our players would want to associate with Wisconsin’s Bruno Szezewski–and he did score 7 touchdowns; but that really is a small sacrifice to uphold our standards.”

Northwestern was gratified to receive 23 points for its half-time performance: a distillation of Maurice Maeterlinck’s “Pelleas and Melisande”  and a tribute to Ann-Margaret.

This Day in History

The Duchess of Windsor gave birth to her love child with Charles Lindbergh.  The Duke, suspecting the infidelity, traded the infant daughter for a pug puppy to the Greenwald family, who named the child Leah.  So Happy Birthday Leah, whoever you really are.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the other historic significance of this day:

  1. Leah says:

    Yep, I’m now a prime number for the next year.

    But I just want to make a factual correction: the love child of that social-climbing, power-hungry adventuress and that brave, dim, genial anti-Semite (she seems to have had a thing for dim anti-Semites, not all brave, of course; and I do realize she tolerated Semites as well) was Steve Forbes. Not so surprising that Malcolm Forbes preferred to obtain a child through deal-making rather than the usual method, and not so surprising that the child turned out like that. And I know you’d agree that it was the smartest trade the Duke ever made.

    I, on the other hand, am the love child of Gertrude Berg and Bennet Cerf; I was traded for a couple of ducats to “New Faces of 1952.”

    Thanks for making my birthday a day in history! L.

    • Eugene Finerman says:

      Dear Leah,

      I stand corrected. You had a much more entertaining genealogy than I imagined.

      The Duchess of Windsor and Charles Lindbergh apparently had their tryst on the island of Molokai. That would explain Steve Forbes’ complexion.

      As for me, I believe that I would have been the child whom Dorothy Parker had with Leon Trotsky.


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